T is for Try

Chocolate bacon sundae

If there's one phrase I utter more often than any other, it's probably "Try it!" This is often followed by "You'll like it!"

 It's easy to fall into patterns and hold onto comfortable things in life. Going out to eat and ordering the same thing every time is safe, right? You know you're going to like it. I get that. Sometimes I want familiarity too. But when we cling too it too tightly, we miss out on new experiences.

I can't tell you how many women I've encountered who say some version of "I've thought about playing roller derby but I'd never be able to do it because  ________________." Fill in the blank with any excuse you can imagine. My response always is "You never know. You should try it." There's always a rebuttal. The truth is, you really don't know what it'll be like and if roller derby is something you think you'd like, you should try it.

Suiting up in my derby gear for the first time

I'm a pretty adventurous eater but there are a few things I was sure I didn't like: avocados, eggplant and onions come to mind. Last year, a friend suggested I try avocados in a smoothie. I was skeptical but I gave it a try and lo and behold, that has become one of my favorite quick breakfasts! 

I do not like white water rafting. I've only gone once and I was terrified the entire time. I'm generally not a fan of being on water in any way, shape or form. My other half, however, loves white water rafting and asked me to go with him at least once. I did and I doubt I'll ever go again but he appreciated that I was willing to face my fear and get in that raft! Now I do something on my own while he goes rafting with his siblings but at least I know what I'm missing!

Suited up for white water rafting

My life lesson here is simple: Try it. Whatever it is, give it a go. Take one bite of something, try on an outfit that isn't your usual style, take a class or lessons for a new hobby.

I believe that we, as human beings, are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. This goes back to my first post of the month, that you can do anything!

So, what is it you'd like to try that you never have?

That's me in green!

S is for Sex

I vacillated between whether or not I should go with this topic for my S post. I don't want to offend any A to Z participants, or break any of the rules. I had other ideas for S subjects: self care, social media, stress, solitude. I certainly could write about those things, but when I looked at my list of S words, I kept coming back to sex. (If you know me well, I'm sure that line mad you chuckle!) When I think about all those other words, I don't see one that holds as many life lessons for me as the subject of sex.

If I have to sum it all up into one, my life lesson when it comes to sex is this: It is totally okay to be a woman who likes sex. It's nothing to be ashamed of and there are healthy, positive ways to go about it!

My mother discovered I had lost my virginity by doing some snooping. I was a senior in high school at the time, less than a month away from graduation. She got mad at me,  I was grounded. There was never an explanation other than I was young and shouldn't have done it. Maybe this is why I developed a sense of shame around sex that lasted through my marriage. It wasn't until I was divorced and approaching thirty that my attitude changed.

I've taken a lot of slack for being a gal who admits she's looking to get laid on occasion. I've been called names and judged by others. I'll admit I've made some poor choices in this arena, but not only do all my experiences make me who I am, I also know that my sexual confidence contributes to me being an honest, loving partner in my current relationship.

I am not advocating promiscuity here. Not at all. I just think there is a double standard in our society when it comes to attitudes about sex and gender. A guy who has a lot of sexual partners is a stud but a girl who does is a slut. It isn't fair! I believe there are ways to talk and teach about sex that advocate healthy relationships and sexual behaviors without shaming.

I also think it's extremely important for women to talk to each other about sex. Keeping all your secrets to yourself perpetuates that air of shame. If I didn't have friends who I could vent to and ask personal questions, I wouldn't be writing this post!

R is for Return

When I left my home in January, I didn't expect I would ever return. But then, we all know what I've learned about expectations this year!

My decision to return home was one made from a place of love and learning but it wasn't exactly easy. When I left, I was confident I wouldn't return and I couldn't help but think of how I would appear to others for coming back. And of course, I struggled with the question of why the heck did I leave in the first place?

I had been home for about a week when I received this beautiful image via text from a friend. My eyes filled with tears as I read the words. It was exactly what I needed at that moment.

I left because I had to. That's clear to me now. Things would not be exactly as they are now if I hadn't gone. Returning was exactly what I needed to do as well. Mr. Pratchett's words couldn't be more fitting for my situation. Sure I could have stayed but I would have spent the rest of my life wondering What if? 

So the lesson here is borrowed from that wise quote: Returning to where you started isn't the same as never having left.

Do you agree?

Q is for Quitting

I'm going to cut right to the chase for today's lesson: If you hate your job, you should quit it.

I've experienced this lesson first hand. I've seen what happens when I stay too long at a job (The Universe forces a change) and I've also seen what it's like to finally quit a job that's been crushing my soul for years.

Now, I know all the reasons you say you can't quit your job. I even know that some of the reasons you stay at a job you hate are legit. But this is where Saturday's post about priorities comes in handy. You can get another job. You might not make as much money or have the same schedule but contrary to popular belief, there are other jobs out there.

I've been told that some of my life lessons are "easier said that done." I'll agree this is another one that falls into that category. But guess what? Life is hard.

I think quitting gets a bad rap. I'm not just talking about jobs. When I retired from roller derby last year, I struggled with the fact that I was quitting. We're conditioned to think that quitting means we're a loser, weak, scared, that it's always a bad thing. The truth is sometimes it's time to quit.

I've done my fair share of quitting. I've quit jobs, hobbies, relationships. It can be difficult to stand up and say "Okay, I'm all done here," but it almost always comes with a rush of relief. Getting that proverbial weight off my chest in knowing that I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not saying quit anything at the first inkling of discomfort. I played derby for over two years and I can't even count how many times I thought of quitting before I finally did. The same with my soul sucking job. The older I get, the shorter that time frame gets where I'll tolerate feeling bad. But it's still exists. I'll wait it out to make sure quitting definitely feels right.

Our society floods us with motivational posters telling us to never give up, never quit, keep going, etc. And yes, there's a time and place for pushing yourself and persevering. Maybe at the gym but not in a work place.

P is for Priorities

One afternoon this winter, I was soaking in my hot tub with my finance's niece and nephew. At the time they had been living in Montana less than six months, after spending all of their lives growing up in Boston. As the eight year old girl bobbed around amid the jets, she surveyed our back yard and sighed "Wow, this is nice. It's like you guys are rich." I didn't want her to perpetuate that misconception. I realize she isn't used to visiting people who own homes and have back yards. "Well, " I began gently, "This is called having priorities. You spend your money on the things that are most important to you. We have a hot tub but we don't have fancy cars or expensive furniture." Her 11 year old brother nodded his head enthusiastically, to indicate he was familiar with this concept. She tilted her head to the side as she tried to understand. "But you still have a really nice car!" she exclaimed. I had to admit that yes, to her and I, my 2008 Volkswagen Rabbit is a "nice car" but as far as price and luxury go, it's fairly low on the list.

It's a difficult concept to explain and I'm not sure I should expect an 8 year old to understand it when I know plenty of adults who don't! Priorities is a subjective term too. My priorities are constantly shifting and dynamic. Sure, there are a top few: spouse, self, family, work, pets, home but even those can change from day to day. And sometimes something pops up that needs to take priority for a short time, like planning a wedding, and everything else gets rearranged for a while!

The life lesson I've learned here is that it's important to re-evaluate your priorities from time to time. AND, it's okay to have some on your list that are unique to you, like our hot tub! I don't believe there's one thing that should always be the number one priority in life. Not every single second of every day. Any one who thinks otherwise is not realistic.

So take some time to look at your priorities and make sure you're on the list!

Mimosas in the hot tub

O is for Outside

When I moved in Montana in 2007, I was seeking change and a fresh start. I got much more than I bargained for!

Montana has changed me in ways both physical and non. I'm stronger and more independent. I appreciate solitude and nature, and enjoy a slower pace to my lifestyle.

The most valuable lesson Montana has taught me is that sometimes, I just need to get outside!

There is a power and energy that comes with being out in nature that cannot be replicated any other way. The serenity that I find while riding a chairlift is something I have not experienced elsewhere. Being suspended above the earth, gliding through the tress during a lightly falling snow, is incredible. Hiking to a mountain peak and viewing the entire valley that is my home is invigorating. Living in a place that provides me with the opportunity to have honest to goodness adventures on a regular basis was something I hadn't considered when I moved here. I'm glad I didn't have any preconceived notions about this aspect of my lifestyle because I was able to discover  activities that I enjoy without being on a search for them.



Being outside doesn't always have to be an epic adventure. Sometimes it's as simple as a walk through the neighborhood with my dogs or sitting beside my backyard pond. For me it's about taking breaths, maybe getting my heart rate up, and feeling sunshine (or snow or rain!) What it comes down to is feeling alive!

I came upon this video on YouTube a couple years ago and fell in love with it immediately. Not only do I adore Jason Mraz and anything Muppet related, I appreciate the message the song is sending. It's sweet and fun but also important.

What does being outside do for you? What are your favorite ways to enjoy nature?

N is for No

I was raised to be accommodating. If someone asks you to do something, you do it. If you commit to something, you follow through. Putting oneself first is viewed as selfish. As I got older, the world reinforced these tendencies in me. People who recognized my tendency to put others before myself took full advantage of me. 

Any time I was asked to cover an extra shift at work, I'd do it. If a boyfriend disregarded my interests, I'd let it happen. I took on other's demands and expectations without much thought about how they affected me. I just wanted everyone to be happy and like me. 

By the time I reached my thirties, I was exhausted and resentful. 

When I started seeing my life coach, one of the first things she said to me was it seemed like I had too many burners going on the stove and needed to choose one to turn off. What? No way! Work, home, partner, hobbies, family, pets. How could any of those be turned off? My coach helped me see that there wasn't a burner labeled as self. Because I wasn't putting any energy into treating myself well, I was doing a lousy job of maintaining all those other hot burners. 

One of the most important skills I've learned as an adult is how to set boundaries. It can be uncomfortable at first, if you aren't used to doing it. Even now, I occasionally struggle with feeling guilt, as if I'm letting others down by speaking up for myself. But actually I'm doing us both a favor!

Boundaries aren't always fun!

Learning that it's okay to say no was a HUGE life lesson for me. Sometimes people in my life don't understand. They aren't used to hearing "no" and don't say it often themselves. Sitting down with a boss or a boyfriend and saying "This isn't working for me" takes a lot of guts. Trust me, I've done both and it sucked. It's a big step, to recognize when it's time to say no and when the response is negative or the person lashes out, it can make a tough situation even worse. 

Fearing another's response to no isn't a reason to accommodate him/her. In fact, you're doing each other a huge disservice if you don't speak up. You can trust me on this one too because I've been there as well! 

I like to use the example of airplane emergency procedures when it comes to self care: Secure your own oxygen mask before you begin to assist others with theirs. 

Taking care of myself first doesn't mean I'm selfish. It means I value myself and my loved ones enough to know when I'm on the verge of becoming overextended. I was spread thin for far too long and that me isn't nearly as healthy and positive as the me that takes time our for herself!

If you're feeling pulled in too many different directions, I challenge you to say no to something. Say it nicely and with kindness but say it. I promise you will be glad you did!

Bison without boundaries in Gardiner, MT