Tuesday, December 31, 2013
We Made It!
As I sit here in my pajamas drinking coffee on the last morning of 2013, I am overwhelmed with a sense of relief because this year is over. Seriously, I'm giddy about it! I opened my eyes this morning and let out a huge exhale of "Whew, I made it". Not that I ever had any legitimate doubts that I would physically survive to see 2014, it just felt that way sometimes. While I spent a few months this summer under a heavy blanket of sadness, I knew in a far off part of my brain that things would improve. I knew it as a fact, but my heart and soul were too burdened to believe it for a while.
When looking at the past year in review, it's easy to think of the negative things, the sad things, the hurdles. But for each of those things there's at least two positive things, happy things, times when I was lifted up. I find myself thinking of 2013 as a "bad" year because I lost my sweet canine companion but that event was a catalyst for so many amazing changes in my life. Over the past few days I've been working on a short list of things I've learned this year to post as a FaceBook status today. Here's what I came up with:
1. If you hate your job you should quit it.
2. Dogs are truly amazing.
3. I am no longer a "city person".
4. I am loved.
5. Everything is going to be okay.
Looking at that list makes me feel happy and full. There are a couple things on there that I thought I knew before but hadn't actually experienced in my heart. I'm glad I took time to make the list because it's a great reminder of how much I've grown and loved throughout this year.
Another thing I've done over the past few days is read the book The Four Agreements. It's been on my "To Read List" for close to two years. I even own a copy I picked up at a yard sale but for some reason I'd always skipped over it. Right after Thanksgiving my life coach sent me a link to an article she had come across after our most recent session, saying the topic reminded her of me and our discussions. The article referenced The Four Agreements so I said "Okay Universe, I get it. It's time to read this book." Reading it right before the new year was perfect timing. The four agreements are: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do your best. These are concepts I work on constantly in my life. It's a tough cycle to break: You make an assumption about another person then you take that personally and that affects your actions and that personal makes assumptions about you and one and on. It's toxic behavior but it's what we do naturally. This book spoke clearly to me. There were a couple times when I'd be reading along and then my jaw would drop open because I was shocked by a line that seemed to be written specifically for me. I know this book will be an important tool in the work I have yet to do when it comes to accepting and loving myself. I highly recommend it.
Along those same lines is one more awesome thing that's crossed my path in the last few days. One of my derby sisters shared a link on FaceBook for The Year of Enough. The title sparked my interest so I followed the link and was practically in tears by the time the video was over. One of my personal mantras that I've developed with the help of my life coach is "I am enough." I scanned the contents of the webpage, thinking over and over "This is for me! This is for me!". It's a network of people who have come together to share positive messages that each person is enough, just as they are. I immediately signed up to participate. If you have a second, follow the link and check it out. Sign up for you feel so inspired and please let me know if you do. It's such an amazing concept, isn't it? That we are enough just as we are. I have my moments of feeling confident but I don't know if I even go a whole day at a time feeling totally sure that I'm enough. I'm not good enough at roller derby, at writing, at cleaning the house, at keeping in touch with my friends. The list can go one and on. I'm too short, I've gotten too heavy, I'm too anxious, too lazy. I can beat myself up over anything. But just like the tiny part of my brain that knew I was going to be okay when I was depressed this summer, there's a tiny part that tries to call out "Look at you go! You're such a bad ass! You're beautiful and tough and funny and kind." I know it's there, I just have to tune in better. So here's to 2014! This will be the year I realize that I am enough, that everyone I love is enough, that my life is enough. It's a great life. A full, fun, life that I've worked hard for. It's time for me to enjoy it!
I'm so grateful that all these things came together to create a perfect storm of inspiration for me. I have a wonderful support system of people (and pets) who have helped me get this far in life. I'm excited to ring in the new year with some of them tonight and start off from a place of love and celebration. Happy New Year to you!