I Really Want To Judge You But I Can't

Image courtesy of totallandscapecare.com

There’s one particular house in my subdivision that always has lovely seasonal decorations, and not just major holidays! I pass it on the days I take my longer loop through the neighborhood with my dogs. I so enjoyed the red sparkly hearts swinging from the tree branches in February, that I’ve been considering writing a note and taping it to the front door, to let the owners know their efforts make my walks a bit more pleasant. I think about it each time I pass, but then promptly forget about it until I approach the house the next time.

Last week I was admiring the giant Easter Eggs dangling in the trees and thinking Dang it, I’ve got to remember to write that note, when my eyes moved from a cute concrete bunny to a sign staked into the grass that read: TRUMP: Make America Great Again. My thought was Oh, son of a B, and my heart sank. I continued walking, wondering if I still want to write that note or not?

I automatically made a LOT of assumptions about that homeowner in a split second. That sign tells me all I need to know, right? 

That’s what I thought at first. But what if someone put that sign on a friend’s lawn as a joke? (Talk about a total dick move.) Maybe it’s a rental and the landlord put the sign out or perhaps one spouse supports Trump and the other doesn’t. Could they be getting paid to have the sign in their lawn? There could be a myriad of reasons as to why that sign is there... 

Of course the most logical (and “worst case scenario”) is that the person who lives in the house and hangs décor that brings me so much joy believes Donald Trump is a great choice for a leader of our country. 

I do NOT believe that. I see Donald Trump as a hateful human being and I fear for the future of our nation if he is elected President. 

However, my politics may differ from that households’ but clearly we celebrate the same holidays and enjoy colorful decorations. Surely we may have other things in common?

I was working on my initial thoughts for this post over the weekend, writing by hand at my mother-in-law’s kitchen table, my ten year old niece was across from me coloring. We worked in comfortable silence for a while, then she asked “What are you writing about?” I looked down at my pages in a panic. My initial  thought was Oh just stuff for my blog, but she deserved a legitimate answer. 

I pushed my notebook aside and explained. I was impressed by how intently she listened, smiling at my description of the decorations and nodding in appropriate places. I finished by explaining my blog and saying "I like to write about the ways people are connected that we don't realize. Like how that person's decorations make me really happy but they don't know it. Even though that person likes Donald Trump and I don't, it doesn't make me like the decorations any less." She tilted her head to one side while considering, then nodded and said "That makes sense."

  

And right then, I knew I had my answer. I need to write that dang note.

To be continued…

A to Z Challenge 2016

 

This year will be the fourth time I've tackled the A to Z Blogging Challenge. The challenge involves posting 26 blog entries in the month of April! It's one of my favorite things about blogging and I typically look forward to it all year. This year it snuck up on me. The thought occurred to me while I was in the shower last week (As in Oh sh--, it's almost April!) and I thought for a moment about skipping it this year: I usually like to prep ahead of time, I have a work trip coming up in April,etc. But when I sat with the idea of not doing the challenge, it didn't feel right. I like to choose a theme for my blogging challenges because it makes it easier for me to think of topics. In the past, my A to Z  themes have been my favorite things,  songs that move me, and last year I wrote about life lessons I've learned.

As soon as I made the conscious decision of Yes, I'm going to do the challenge this year, my idea for a theme hit me: I'll write about the books that have been significant in my life. I've been wanting to start regular posts about the books I read so this will be a great way to get on to the topic!

I only have a couple of friends who read as much as I do, and one of them happens to be a writer and the person who introduced me to the A to Z Challenge. I invited her to use the same theme and she agreed. I can't wait to compare our lists because even though we both read a TON and even swap books at times, our reading preferences vary quite a bit. We also vary greatly in our writing styles yet we do a lot of proofreading and critiquing for each other. That's part of what I love so much about books, about reading, and writing, there's something for everyone.


I hope you enjoy learning about the books that have been significant in my life. My friend's blog can be found here, so you can follow along with both of us! Keep watching for those posts to start April first! (And hopefully you'll hear something else from me in the mean time!)

Feeling All The Feels Is Hard Work

I went to a church service yesterday to see my husband sing. During the prayer at the end of her sermon, the Pastor referred to four victims of two separate tragic crimes which occurred in our town last week. I was tearing up as we said Amen. My husband's solo was immediately afterward and then the congregation sang Amazing Grace. Talk about a triple whammy. I couldn’t stop crying.

I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t look at anyone. All I could do was cry. And feel. All the feelings at once: proud of my husband, grateful for him and our marriage, love for his family who was there, and for my family that is far away, grief for the crime victims, grief for losses in our family, for friends fighting cancer. Each feeling was connected to the next until they became one giant pulsing emotion.

After the service, my husband received several compliments on his solo. “You brought your wife to tears,” commented one white haired lady with a smile. My sweet husband smiled and rubbed my arm. He knew the truth.

I don’t know the victims of the homicides in our town. That doesn’t make the violence any less senseless, the losses any less tragic and horrific. I think of their grieving families and my heart breaks.

 

At home, my husband came downstairs after changing out of his suit to find me lying on the couch weeping again. He came over to comfort me but didn’t speak. “You know what’s weird?” I sniffed, “Right now, I’m crying because I’m so grateful that everyone I love is alive.” 

He sat with me for a while, then left to make us some tea. I got down on the floor with my dog Charlie. He’s a very emotionally intelligent creature. (I have a friend who refers to him as a Buddha.) I curled up beside him and he touched his nose to the top of my head and we stayed this way for a while. I called to my husband to come and take this photo because this was real. This is what it looks like to be a sensitive, emotional human being who gets overwhelmed by feeling and thinking and loving. Sometimes I just can’t move. 

My husband is a sensitive empathic soul as well. He says “It’s a blessing and a curse.” I don’t necessarily think it’s ever a curse but it isn’t always easy or fun. 

Friends who read my blog and Facebook posts often compliment me on my positivity and gratitude practice. I appreciate that people notice. That’s the upside. I usually don’t discuss the flipside, but I feel called to talk about it today.  

As one of my favorite writers/self-help Gurus, Glenn Doyle Melton says, “Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.”

When we live fully, when we love fully, when we appreciate life as much as we can, life is difficult. That shit hurts. When we drift through our days without looking around or being passionate about things, it can be easier. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve thrown up my head back and wailed “Why do I have to care so much?" knowing that if I cared less, I'd hurt less.

The thing is if I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t be me. If I didn’t check cardboard boxes along the road to make sure there aren’t kitten inside, if I didn’t weep when I read the last Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book, then I also wouldn’t connect with the performers I work with or be in tune with my pets’ health. It’s all the same muscle. Is it my brain or my heart or my soul? Or a combination of the three? I have no idea but it’s real. 

I know I'm not the only soul like myself out there. We're trained from a young age to be ashamed of our emotional selves and hide them. So what do you do when the feelings get to be too much?

What the Trump is Going On?

I've noticed something interesting happening in my Facebook feed lately: People who usually don't discuss politics are going there. Big time. And the folks who do commonly discuss politics are RAGING.

I like seeing people get fired up. I enjoy seeing the people I care about passionately express their views. Even when I don't agree with them.

I have a lot of Facebook friends who are conservative, who are Christian. I might not I hang out with them on a regular basis, but they are people I like and respect. I am not Christian and I consider myself liberal but contrary to what you may think, I do have quite a bit in common with those friends. We all believe in a higher power, we believe in showing kindness and love to others. We understand that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round.

I usually don't chime in on political discussions on social media because I don't want to argue. I once ended up in a heated debate with a friend of a friend over the use of antibiotics so I can only imagine how I might get if the subject was a bit more "touchy." Occasionally I'll comment on a discussion, but for the most part I read what other people write and process that on my own.

Over the last couple weeks I've seen a comment more than once that has struck fear in my heart and made me realize I need to speak out. The comment went along the lines of "I'm disgusted with all of the candidates so I'm not going to vote," and was followed by a "Me too" and a "Me three" and so on. These particular folks were discussing the Republican candidates so I can feel their pain, however I don't think not voting is a solution.

I didn't say that on my friend's post. Now I wish I had, but it seems creepy to scroll back three weeks and comment. I saw similar posts from other friends, including comments about the Democratic candidates. I've had a real life discussion with an acquaintance who admitted apathetically "Oh I don't know that I'll even vote. I don't know enough about what's going on."

I didn't speak up to any of those people. I'm going to blame it on the fact that I'm a writer! I function better when I can take time to process my thoughts and express myself in writing. So here it goes:

Come on people, get your shit together and vote. If you're disgusted with all the candidates, write in the one you think would do the best job. If you "don't know what's going on," educate yourself. Every candidate has a website, go to it and read their positions on the issues. Do research. If you don't vote, you're perpetuating the problems.

The reason it's easier to be apathetic is because otherwise you need to look inside yourself and say "How do I truly feel about this particular issue (abortion, healthcare, war, drones, gun laws, etc,) and which candidate is closest aligned to my view?" It's not easy and I know I haven't done it about every issue but I took some time to look and said "Okay, now I know what they stand for so I'll think on it." 

Apathy is not the answer. Throwing your hands up and saying "Everybody sucks" doesn't change anything. I've realized that my saying "I'm going to stay quiet and not give my opinion" is a different version of that.  So let's talk about it.

Does This Blog Post Make Me Look Fat?

My friend Amber is participating in a 365 Grateful Project this year. Each day, she posts a photo to her social media of someone/thing she is grateful for that day and a little blurb about the person/thing. As we hung out one evening, she asked if she could take my photo for that day’s post. I was honored.

When I got home and logged on to Facebook, her post popped up right away. The first thing I thought was Oh God, I look so fat.

 

Here’s what she wrote: “1/14/16 - Ramona - I am so happy to have this woman as part of my tribe. She is fierce and strong and sensitive and kind. She has taught me so much in the past couple years of friendship.” That’s incredible. You wish someone would write that about you on Social Media, right? It’s wonderful. But before I could let in sink in how kind and true her words were, I sat there berating myself for a fat face, bad haircut and wide body. 

Would I ever say anything like that to one of my friends? Never. I don’t think I’d even talk like that to someone I dislike. So why do I do it to myself?

I could list all the reasons I’ve gained weight since I've retired from roller derby. Some are valid reasons, some are excuses, but I’m not going there. I’m working on accepting that yes, my body is different than it was two years ago. It’s not good or bad, it's different. It simply is. 

The thing is, I know my body is amazing. This body of mine has played roller derby, given and taken hard hits, run races, hiked to mountain peaks, skied down mountain faces. It walks my dogs every day. This body has worked many long hours on tired feet. My body has danced, laughed, cried, taken lovers. This body has hugged some of my favorite people in the whole world. My body has healed from severe illness and injury, miraculously recovered from hangovers and migraines. It displays my beautiful tattoos, houses my soul. 

All of those things are astounding. They require strength, compassion, perseverance. Why is it so difficult to remember that my body is me? It's not a separate entity to be fought against.

Now, I want to go back to Amber’s 365 Grateful post because do you see what I did? I made it about me when it isn’t at all. 

So what's the post about if not its subject? Is it about Amber? Not really. Each post is about love and connection. Most of her photos are of people and in every single one of them, that person has a big smile and is obviously feeling loved.

With each post, Amber is giving love, showing appreciation, putting it out into The Universe without asking for anything in return. Maybe the least I can do is accept that graciously. Instead of disliking my photo, I try to look at it and see what she sees.

There's a gap between perception and reality. Sometimes it's bigger than others. The way I see myself is not the way others view me but what is true?

My sweet friend has inspired me so much with her posts, and I plan to start my own 365 Grateful Project on February 1st!

I Live Life, That's What I Do

  

On Christmas Eve, my family engaged in a particularly competitive game of Taboo. This isn't surprising considering my husband and his four siblings can make anything super competitive. (I’m an only child so I don’t get it, but I do my best!)

It was my nine year old niece’s turn. When the timer was flipped she looked at her first card, thought for a second, then gave a clue: “This is something Ramona does.” Her team members immediately starting shouting out guesses:

                “Roller skating!”

                “Vet tech!”

                “Arrange flowers!”

                “Writing!”

It turns out the answer was “pen.”

I was on the opposite team so I couldn’t guess. I sat back laughing until my face hurt, watching our family frantically try to remember all the different jobs and hobbies I’ve had!

This funny incident has been on my mind lately because I’ve attended a few functions recently where I’ve gotten the question “What do you do?”

Ever since I left my work in veterinary medicine, I’ve been more aware than ever before of that question and my response. It used to make me self-conscious because I know people are going to judge me based on my answer. Now I usually say something like "I do a lot of things. Are you asking me what my job is?"

As I’ve moved through the past three years trying different jobs, I learned what I don’t want to do more than what I do want to do. As I’ve made my happiness a priority (work related and in regard to relationships and other interests) The Universe has noticed and guided me toward a life that is more focused on what I enjoy instead of what I “should” do. But that’s not easy to sum up in a quick answer to a four word question!

For a decade and a half, I worked as a vet tech and wrote on the side as a hobby. Now, I write for work and volunteer at the local animal shelter. Everything is still there but my priorities have shifted and my quality of life has improved.

I see my current job as a Karmic reward for following my heart and striving to increase my happiness. It’s never been more clear to me how each thing I’ve ever done connects in some way to the next. If I didn’t play roller derby, if I didn’t befriend my teammates, if I didn’t blog and share it on social media, if I wasn’t honest about my journey to pursue a more satisfying line of work, if I didn’t do any one of those things, the connections would not have made it all the way through and I never would have found my job.Or rather, my job wouldn't have found me.

When I meet new people, I’m often interested in what they do for work and for fun as well. If I want to know about a job, I come right out and ask “What do you do for work?” but I’ve started looking for more creative ways to learn about someone I’ve just met. “What do you do for fun?” is one of my favorites. I also like “Where did you grow up?” because almost everyone has strong feelings about their birth place. I ask people if they have pets or what their favorite book is, because those are both topics that are important in my life, and I like to connect with people about them.

We all do a lot of things. Work is one of those things but it’s not the only thing. It’s not what defines us. Maybe the line of work you've chosen says something about who you are as a person, but it might not. What you do with this life you've been given speaks for you, not what you do from 9-5.

So the next time you want to ask someone what they do for a living, stop and think about how you want to present that question. Chances are there’s something else you’d rather know about that person. And if you genuinely want to know what that person's job is, just ask!