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O is for Sharon Olds

When I took my college placement exams, I tested into Remedial Math and Advanced English Composition. I got an A on every paper I wrote in that class and my Professor recommended me for a new writing program the English Department was developing. It was in this group that a professor showed us a video of Sharon Olds reading her poem Topography and I fell in love with it.

As soon as I could, I bought the book containing that poem and poured over the pages. I've never liked writing fiction, and it was here that first I saw a way to tell my story and write non-fiction. Sharon Olds is the first writer who made me say "I want to do that!"

Her writing showed me that poetry isn't always fluff or over my head. Her poems tell stories that are ripe with emotion and the gritty rawness of life. She writes about her father's death, her divorce, about love and sexuality.

I was 18 at the time, and while I didn't have a ton of life experience to draw on, I still managed to fill pages and pages of notebooks with poems. I wrote about love and lust, about boyfriends and family issues. I had been keeping a journal for a while but writing poetry was the first time I tapped into the guts of my writing, the first time I was able to truly express myself with my written words. I still some of those poems tucked away.

I'm not sure when I made the transition to writing personal essay style, which is my preferred style now. I still love poetry and try my hand at it occasionally. I find it helpful for intensely emotional topics, when I can't quite string sentences together yet.

If you haven't heard of Sharon Olds before, or if you think you don't like poetry, do yourself a favor and give her stuff a try!

Good Morning by Brook Noel

I happened upon this book in 2009 while perusing the Self Help section of Borders on my lunch break. Having recently watched The Secret, I was at the beginning of my spiritual transformation. I didn't know anything about this book but I followed my intuition and seven years later, I still read it most days. I give this book a lot of credit for helping me transform my life into one of optimism and gratitude, and I've written about it before. 

I thrive with structure and routine - this is the first way Good Morning has helped me. I'm a morning person, so dedicating a chunk of time to myself after I first wake, for coffee, writing, list making and intention setting has transformed my days.

The times I strayed from this routine, (because I love sleep and hated my job so stayed in bed as long as possible each morning) my quality of life decreased. In turn, other parts of my life suffered including my relationship and my physical health.


The book's format is simple and easy to follow. For each day of the year, there is a page with a theme. Fitting into that theme is a quote and a "message" which is the author's entry.  Then there's "Your Turn" which is a paragraph or two on how to apply this Good Morning theme to your daily life. At the end, there is a positive affirmation, which is my favorite part.

I highly recommend this book, or one similar to it, if you feel your life is lacking a structure you would like to have. Establishing morning routine could likely be a first step in making other changes.

Dry by Augusten Burroughs

I chose a lot of non-fiction books for this challenge. I wasn't anticipating that when I got the idea for my theme. Because I mostly read fiction, I expected my list of books here would be mostly fiction. (I think it's going to come out to about half and half.)

This list isn't about my favorite books, it's about the books that have been significant in my life. When I started, I didn't realize there was a difference. I could certainly chose a novel I loved for each letter of the alphabet, but when I looked closely at my list I realized most of the books that have affected me deeply are non-fiction. That makes sense, since I write non-fiction. I believe our personal stories are powerful, so much more than we give them credit for. I also believe the true things I have experienced in my life are far more bizarre than any fiction I could ever write!

I'd read three of Augusten Burrough's non-fiction books before Dry and I liked them just fine. I like his writing because it's gritty, and he certainly does not sugar coat anything. This memoir of his alcoholism knocked my socks off. The raw-ness of his story telling here is incredible.

I am aware of the power alcohol can have over a person. I have my own experiences of submitting to that power in times of weakness. My stories aren't like the ones told here, but I can understand how the slope could become so slippery as to lead to such situations. Everyone's version of Rock Bottom looks different. I thoroughly appreciated this brutally honest look into someone else's.

A to Z Challenge 2016

 

This year will be the fourth time I've tackled the A to Z Blogging Challenge. The challenge involves posting 26 blog entries in the month of April! It's one of my favorite things about blogging and I typically look forward to it all year. This year it snuck up on me. The thought occurred to me while I was in the shower last week (As in Oh sh--, it's almost April!) and I thought for a moment about skipping it this year: I usually like to prep ahead of time, I have a work trip coming up in April,etc. But when I sat with the idea of not doing the challenge, it didn't feel right. I like to choose a theme for my blogging challenges because it makes it easier for me to think of topics. In the past, my A to Z  themes have been my favorite things,  songs that move me, and last year I wrote about life lessons I've learned.

As soon as I made the conscious decision of Yes, I'm going to do the challenge this year, my idea for a theme hit me: I'll write about the books that have been significant in my life. I've been wanting to start regular posts about the books I read so this will be a great way to get on to the topic!

I only have a couple of friends who read as much as I do, and one of them happens to be a writer and the person who introduced me to the A to Z Challenge. I invited her to use the same theme and she agreed. I can't wait to compare our lists because even though we both read a TON and even swap books at times, our reading preferences vary quite a bit. We also vary greatly in our writing styles yet we do a lot of proofreading and critiquing for each other. That's part of what I love so much about books, about reading, and writing, there's something for everyone.


I hope you enjoy learning about the books that have been significant in my life. My friend's blog can be found here, so you can follow along with both of us! Keep watching for those posts to start April first! (And hopefully you'll hear something else from me in the mean time!)

Don't Be Normal

I've decided that I would like to eliminate the word normal from my vocabulary.

According to Roget's Thesaurus, "Normal implies conformity with the established norm or standard for its kind." Synonyms listed include ordinary, usual, regular, typical, natural, average, common, run of the mill.

So if you don't conform to the establish norm, you're not normal? Who established that norm and did they ever tell us what it is?

I don't think normal has any synonyms that carry the same weight as it does. Common and average, I like to use. Those are tangible concepts, you can measure them. But what's normal? One can ask "What's the average age for a woman to get married?" then do research and come up with a number. When you ask "What's the normal age for a woman to get married?" that puts a different spin on things.

Part of my motivation to discard the word normal has come from my work in the flower shop. Each week we receive shipments of fresh cut flowers. I can have a bucket of 36 red roses and while they all look the same at first glance, each one is a tiny bit different. Instead of holding up a flower with misshapen petals and asking "Is this normal?" I've learned to ask "Is this one okay to use?"  because there is a wide range of traits that are considered acceptable. This should apply to all living things!

On the 4th, my Boston Terrier sat on my lap in our front yard while our family lit off fireworks in the driveway. His head would follow each hiss and woosh from the ground to the sky and he never flinched at the boom. My other dog laid at my feet as relaxed as if we were inside watching a movie. Someone said "Those dogs are not normal!" and I will agree this is certainly not the common reaction most dogs have to fireworks, but it's certainly preferable to them being frightened or needing to be sedated.

My thesaurus states that abnormal means strange, irregular, unnatural, unusual. Every time we say "That's not normal," what we're actually saying is "That's strange and unnatural," but I don't think that's what we usually mean.

As a writer, my thesaurus is my favorite tool and helps me hone my craft. When I write a first draft, I write by hand, putting down everything that comes to me. I type it, print it, read it through once, then start editing. One of the first things I do is circle words that need to be removed or replaced, such as very or huge or happy.  I want to use as few words as possible to say what I mean and I have an entire shelf of reference books to help me with that.

One thing I've learned from those books, besides an abundance of synonyms, is that sometimes we use words when we don't know exactly what they mean. I once wrote an entire essay about a trifecta and when I was done thought I better look that up to make sure I'm using it right, and it turns out I wasn't! I used it anyway and included a preface to explain why but the point is, I could have looked quite foolish if I'd not caught that. It's like how not all the examples Alanis uses in Ironic are actually irony. It's still a catchy song but I can't take it seriously.

Perhaps it's because I'm a writer and have a strong appreciation for words, but I believe we should be careful with the words we use. Technology has made it so that our lives are crammed full with people's opinions, with their words. Getting the opportunity to have someone listen to what you're saying is a gift that shouldn't be squandered. When someone chooses to read my blog or magazine article, I'm flattered because there is an endless list of other things for them to read and they chose my words. If someone uses their precious time to read my writing, I want it to be worth their while. I want to make them laugh or smile or give my piece thoughtful consideration.

Likewise, when I speak to someone I want to add to their day. We all have people in our lives with whom conversation is difficult or draining. It's not necessarily their fault. I think they simply haven't become aware of the power their words hold.

I'd like to challenge you. Over the next couple of days, keep your ears open for the word normal. And pay attention to the words you use often or that others use with you. I'd love to know what you hear and think about it!

The Power of a Good Book (and Google)

So far this year I've read 30 books. This may seem like a lot, but in the good natured competition I have going with my husband and my dear friend Lea, I'm in last place.

I've always adored books. As a child, before I was literate, I would carry my books around "reading" out loud to myself, making up stories to go with the illustrations.

For a couple of my elementary school years, we lived in an old apartment building next to a massive stone library in Phoenixville, PA. This is where my passion for books was truly nurtured. On hot sticky days of summer vacation, I would escape to the library's children's section which took up the entirety of its cool, damp basement. Some days I would check out the maximum, which was ten books, take them home and start reading immediately. I'd return them all the next day in exchange for a new stack.

I rarely ventured into the upstairs of the library, the boring adult part. It smelled different up there, dry and musty, and the aged wooden floor boards creaked, no matter how hard you tried to be quiet. When I did accompany my mom (who also loves to read and has always encouraged my passion for books, ) I would stare up in awe at the incredibly tall shelves. There were so many books in there. And someday, I would be a grown up and I could read all of them! I'll never accomplish that, but I'd think that young me would at least be proud of the effort I've put forth!

One of my many cluttered bookshelves

So obviously I read a lot of books. I usually have two or three going at a time, typically a fiction, a non-fiction and an audio book. I like to read from all genres and subjects.

Some books affect me more than others. What I treasure most is a novel whose story and characters pull me in so that I hate to put the book down and am still thinking and feeling about it days or weeks after finishing it. A few books that have done this for me: The Lovely Bones, The Time Traveler's Wife, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

If a book doesn't keep my interest, if it puts me to sleep or I just plain struggle with it, I quit. This is a new habit for me in the past few years. I used to push myself to finish any book I started, but I've realized that my time is too valuable to waste on any task I don't enjoy. Plus, there are countless amazing books out there waiting to be read! Not every book is for every person. Sometimes, the phase of life I'm in has an effect on how I interpret what I read.

Recently I've experienced something in my reading life that I hadn't noticed before. I've read a couple of novels that have made me feel just plain yucky. The one I'm reading right now is doing exactly that. Every time I pick it up, I shudder because I dread the detailed horribleness that awaits me. While reading in bed the other night, I turned to my husband and announced firmly "I do not like this book," and proceeded to explain why. He replied "Actually, it sounds like that's a very well written book," and I've realized he's right. The subject matter is dark, the story is sad and depressing, I find the narrator pathetic and unlikable. The fact that the author can invoke all of these emotions in me is impressive! ( I'm intentionally not naming the book or author here because I don't want to give you any pre-conceived opinions about it in the event that you stumble across it!)

I have a friend who is a writer, her first memoir was published a couple years ago. She's told me about reading her Amazon reviews early on and one particular woman who hated the book so much that she wrote a long scathing review about how terrible it was. My friend said at first it pissed her off but then she realized she would rather have someone have such a visceral reaction to her book than to just read it and say "Meh." My friend is right. Often as a writer, I've been afraid that what I'm writing might offend someone. Sometimes before I publish a blog post I torture myself with "What ifs." I've realized that if the words I write trigger any emotion in a reader, that's a good thing.

Earlier this month I read Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn. Her books always make me feel uncomfortable. The stories are super compelling but contain terrifying subjects. I always feel torn between wanting to stop reading yet needing to know what happens next! After I posted my review of that books on GoodReads, a couple of my friends commented they feel the same way about her writing. It's such an interesting concept to me, that here we are reading these books that disturb us yet we can't resist! That's such great writing!

I don't think I'll spoil anything here when I tell you that the story line in Sharp Objects is about some young girls who go missing from their neighborhood. ( I won't give you any more details!) While I was reading this book, following the stories of these fictional girls, I was transported back to the summer of 1998. I was living in the small town where I'd graduated high school and was on break from the community college I attended there. Suddenly one day, the town was covered with flyers for a missing 8 year old girl who had disappeared one evening.

All I had to do was Google the town name + the year + "missing girl" and there in front of me was her smiling red headed self from the missing posters. That image has been burnt into my brain for years, even though I couldn't remember her name. Good samaritans volunteered to help the police and search and rescue, combing the land for signs of her. It was all anyone talked about. Surely she would turn up somewhere, we all repeated, hoping that saying it enough would make it true. Two weeks later, the girl's body was found in the local landfill and the entire town grieved. I'll just say she had been killed by a neighbor and leave it at that. But we all knew the gory details that were in the town's weekly newspaper.

I was nineteen at the time and I had not witnessed anything such as this before. I attended the funeral, even though I never knew the little girl or her family. I felt compelled to be there, as did most of the town it seemed. It was the first of many instances in which I become fixated on stories of crisis, especially if it hits close to home. This is the reason I've stopped watching television news. I empathize so much with families affected by crisis that it drains me and I have a hard time focusing on anything else. The Newton shootings, the recent riots in Baltimore, these events get my attention and I have to shut it out. Otherwise I grieve for the victims and all the families involved. I grieve for how after each tragedy our world will never be the same as it was before.

And so while I was reading Sharp Objects, the summer of 1998 came flooding back to me, even though I hadn't thought of it in years. And then I felt guilty that I hadn't thought of that poor girl for so long. I'm sure her family thinks of her every day. And even though I knew the girls in the book were fictional, they felt so real to me. When I finished the book, I closed the cover, set it on my desk and then went to the bathroom because I thought I might throw up.

Wow.

That's a good book, isn't it?

So What Have We Learned? A to Z Reflections

My reflection in The Bean in Chicago Jan. 2015

This is the third year I've participated in the A to Z Blogging Challenge and my easiest to complete by far. The challenge came at a good time for me this year. I think I'm in a groove with my writing that I haven't quite found before. I like doing this challenge because it shows me that I can write every day. Like most writers I know, I struggle to carve out time in my daily life for writing. Posting daily, and seeing the list of thousands of other participants who are doing it as well, inspires me and motivates me to write more. I think a daily post is not something I could maintain long term but I still write every day and hope to post at least twice a week.

I spent the month of April blogging about what I believe to be the most valuable lessons I've learned in my life so far. Let's take a look at the full list:

Anything can happen.
Breakfast is important.
Crisis is sometimes needed to facilitate change.
I need to have dogs in my life.
Expectations are bullshit.
I wouldn't be who I am without my friends.
Practicing gratitude improves quality of life
Finding humor in difficult situations makes them bearable.
Ice cream makes everything better.
One woman's junk is another's treasure.
Kindness is a cycle, dole it out and you will receive it.
Things always look better in the light of day.
Marriage is different for everyone.
It's okay to say no.
Sometimes, I just need to go outside.
It's important to re-evaluate your priorities from time to time.
If you hate your job, you should quit it.
Returning is not the same as never having left.
It's totally okay to be a woman who likes sex.
Try new things.
Trust The Universe.
Eat vegetables.
Write things down.
Find your own xanadu.
Don't yell at people.
Have a zest for life.

Looking at that list makes me proud of myself! Not only did I write every day but I was able to look at some of the most crucial events of my life, find meaning in them and put it into words to share with others. That's pretty impressive, if I do say so myself!

One of the things I love most about doing this challenge is that it connects me with likeminded folks who connect with my posts and respond to me. This month I've gotten blog comments, personal emails, and text messages from people who relate to my experiences and enjoy my writing. That fills my heart with joy because after all, this is why I write. I'd like to say a huge heartfelt thank you to everyone who read my posts in April. Your support and feedback makes me a better writer and human being.

W is for Writing

Glennon Doyle Melton is one of my favorite bloggers (momastery.com) and general all around motivational humans. On the subject of writing, she says "When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone."

That line stuck with me like crazy glue from the second I read it. It struck me as so utterly true because it sums up the feelings I've had for years about why I write and also why I read avidly. The potential for connection with others when I share my writing is endless. I get comments and messages regularly from people who relate to what I write about or simply enjoy reading what I write. Either way, it's incredible! 

Last summer, I was being treated for food poisoning at our nearest urgent care facility (Avoid meat on a stick at outdoor festivals, folks.) My other half was in the waiting area and heard an elderly lady start telling her husband positive things about a magazine article she'd read that day about an animal rescue group in a neighboring state. I wrote that article! I wish I hadn't been suffering miserably in the next room, but I still think it's super cool that was overheard!

I've kept a journal almost daily since I was eighteen. Writing is a part of who I am. I shelf recently filled journals on my desk but I have a big box of old ones that have stored in a closet. Every time I move, I lug them along. For the most part, they just stay in the closet but I've consulted them occasionally for a piece I was working on and once for a legal matter! Sometimes it's nice to be able to verify dates and events as I recorded them.

Kermit sits above my filled journals

It was only in the past couple of years that I began to say "I am a writer" with confidence,  instead of "I want to be a writer." I've been one all my life, always able to BS my way through a book report or essay question! I frequently encounter people who say "I've always wanted to be a writer," or "People tell me I should write a book." I've even taken writing classes with folks who want to write regularly but for whatever reason aren't able to make it a regular practice in their lives. To all of those people, I say: Just write!

What I've learned in my life is that it's so important to just write it down, whatever it is. Regardless of what you feel you need to get down on paper, whether it's your life story or your To Do List! 

Writing by hand is a completely different process than typing. I write everything by hand before I transfer it to my blog or a Word document. I like a specific brand of pencil and notebook to write and  I need to be sitting upright at a flat surface. This is how I work best!

The experience of writing is different for everyone and I recommend to anyone. Treat yourself to a brand new notebook and start by keeping a journal or even just a gratitude list. Allow yourself to write whatever you feel the urge to put onto the paper. I promise you will surprise yourself!

G is for Gratitude

I've written a great deal about gratitude because it's a concept that's important to me.

After a rough break up in 2009, I was hit with the realization that things happen for me, not to me. That's when I started a regular gratitude practice and began to notice a huge shift in my quality of life.

Being grateful is not about being happy every single second of every day. It's not about glossing over undesirable situations. It's about seeing beyond what's right in front of you, to see the big picture.

Terrible things happen in life. Sometimes I make poor choices. Having a gratitude practice doesn't change any of that. I still have days where I am down in the dumps. Since 2009, I have dealt with grief, heartbreak, regret, anger, frustration and illness. But in each of those situations, when I'm finished crying and feeling sorry for myself, I can wipe my snotty nose and say "Okay, well I'm grateful I'm alive." For me, it's about being able to deal with the death of my sweet dog by being grateful he didn't suffer through a long illness or dealing with my brain injury by being grateful it wasn't worse, being grateful I had loved ones to care for me.

Each day, I write down at least three things I am grateful for that day. Sometimes they're deep thoughts and sometimes not so much. Some days I'm grateful for the love and support that is in my life, for kindness and acceptance. Other days it's chapstick, white wine and a good book. All of those things are important in their own way!

Making my gratitude lists has helped me evaluate my priorities in my life. It points out what's important in day to day life and that can come in handy when I need to make decisions about work.

Here's my advice: Just start saying it every day, "I am grateful." Back in 2009, I put a sticky note on my bathroom mirror with those those exact words written on it. Stand in front of your mirror, look at yourself and say "I am grateful," even if you don't believe it. Because the funny thing is, after a while you will start to believe it. To believe it and to know it and to see it all around you.

Digging Up Dirt

As of today, I'm half way through an eight week memoir writing class that I'm taking at a local writer's collective. I've wanted to take a class from Molly for the past three years but it each time she announced  her upcoming courses, something would come up to prevent me from enrolling; work, finances, life, you know how it is...

I got the email announcing this fall's courses within days of getting my concussion. At that point I was still struggling to sit up without feeling like I was going to puke and I was panicking at the thought of life without roller derby, without that social circle. The timing of this email was perfect in that it reminded me that there was so much I loved to do besides derby, things that I needed my brain to be functioning for!

So I signed up and crossed my fingers that by the time the class started in late September, my brain would be recovered enough that I could participate without feeling like a zombie!

During the very first session, I felt like my sternum had cracked open and my heart was pouring out (in a good way!) Finally, a place where I belong, where my desire to tell my stories is appreciated. Each week, I sit at the long unfinished wood table with five other writers as we complete free writing exercises and share what we come up with. It's incredible how much I can produce in six short minutes, given a prompt such as "Write about something you wanted but didn't get." Our pens scritch and scratch on our notebooks as we frantically try to get out all the thoughts that come flooding in the gate that the prompt has opened.

The exercises we do in class have tapped into experiences I've had that I'd forgotten about and memories I've tucked away in places I haven't wanted to go to again. There are some things I've always wanted to write about but have been afraid to: worried about what people will think of me, worried about the people who play roles in my stories-what if so and so finds out? But I've come to realize that what my hero David Sedaris so eloquently told me this summer is true, "Ramona, you're over thinking it."

So I've gone there. I've started digging in the dirt. I'm working on a piece about experiences from my childhood. Many of you who know me well may have never even heard these stories. I don't talk about my experiences much but I've come to realize they're a huge part of who I am. The reasons I don't want kids, why I'm afraid of getting re-married, why I have very little faith in our legal system. All of these things have do with my baggage, my junk that I carry around. By writing down my stories and sharing them with others, I'm unloading a little bit of my junk and making room for more!

It's amazing to me what it feels like to revisit some of these old places inside myself. Yesterday I was writing about the death of my childhood dog and I started to cry! Sometimes I have to get up from my desk because the air around it becomes heavy and clouded with memories.

I've been told that depression comes from living in the past, while anxiety comes from living in the future. I've spent the majority of my life bouncing back and forth between the two, missing the here and now. This is something I work on with my life coach and by having a gratitude practice.

So why then do I want to go back to the past with my writing? I've been asking myself that question a lot since this class has started. I've learned that we all ask ourselves these questions as writers: Why am I telling this story? What's the point of this? Who is going to want to read this? I certainly don't know the answers. What I do know is that I feel compelled to tell my stories. If one solitary person reads a story and relates to it or laughs at it, then I've made a change in the world and I'm happy with that.

I might never be a famous writer or blogger (or I might!) but I know that by just following through and doing what I feel so inspired to do, I'm setting an example for others. If I can do it, you can do it! No matter what that "it"is!

Look Around

On a recent afternoon, I was waiting in line at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, standing behind the canvas rope at the placard on the floor that tells you where to wait to ensure the privacy of other customers ahead of you. I always want to stand directly on those footprints but I never do. In front of me at the counter, being helped by a pharmacy technician, were two Asian men, one in his 30’s and the other maybe a decade older. They wore colorful dress shirts with khaki shorts and carried messenger bags. In this small town, which houses the only airport in the area and is one of the last stops for provisions before Yellowstone National Park,  these gentlemen were obviously tourists.

As the cashier was tallying up their purchases, the younger man called out “Wait, wait!” as the older guy darted away from the register to grab two rather large boxes of condoms. Interesting choice while on vacation, I thought to myself. As the male cashier took the boxes he asked “Two more, huh?”. When he slid them into the partially translucent white paper bag, I could see it already held three such boxes of Trojans. The younger man appeared to be the only one of the two who was speaking English. He listened to his companion briefly and then before the second box was tucked away, he asked “Are these all one size?” The cashier turned the box every which way, closely examining the small print on each side and declared that they were in fact all the same size. That seemed to be acceptable to the older guy.

Once the purchase was complete, the cashier asked the men if they were headed to the larger town a few miles away and if they were driving. They said yes, but they were with a tour group so they had no need for the coupon for gasoline that came with their receipt.

I watched the entire interaction from my spot at the line marker, obviously that distance is not quite enough to provide the privacy it is intending, and I tried to imagine all the possible scenarios for which these two gentlemen from out of town would need approximately 120 condoms. Are they hoping to get extremely lucky on this vacation? Maybe they’re lovers on a rare getaway together? Maybe they don’t have easy access to prophylactics in their country of origin? Or perhaps they are leaders of the tour group simply thinking ahead and trying to provide their fellow group members with protection?

When it was finally my turn to approach the counter for my medication, I gave the cashier a smile but he was as expressionless as a brick wall. Then I realized I shouldn’t have been surprised by his stoicism. I would guess that selling large quantities of condoms to tourists is far from the strangest task his job requires of him. This got me to thinking about my role as a veterinary technician. I’ve always been proud of my ability to remain calm and professional when dealing with emergencies and oddities. I once had a client casually tell me that she examines her own stools each day. I’ve had owners confess to me that their ill pet has recently ingested pot or used condoms or thong underwear, and I’m always able to maintain a straight yet friendly face while I assure them that we will be able to treat their beloved pet properly. Years ago in an exam room, I asked a female client why she had brought her beagle in to be seen and she stated matter of factly “She has a filthy pussy.” I didn’t even pause before I replied, “Alrighty then, let’s see what we can do about that.” It was clear to me that these were simply the only words she had to describe her observations.

Working with the public can be challenging at times. Clients often expect their current problem to take priority over the other things I’m dealing with and that’s not always appropriate. I often have to do a lot of assessing in a short amount of time in order to respond properly. But my work can be incredibly rewarding. There’s no feeling that compares to helping save a family’s pet or providing a grieving owner with solace during euthanasia. My job can be fun, difficult, dirty, heartbreaking and it challenges me physically and emotionally; usually all in the same day. When I took a brief break from working in the veterinary field, I realized there is literally nothing else I would rather do as a job.

I don’t know how that pharmacy clerk feels about his job but I’m guessing there are rewarding parts to helping provide people with their medications as well as frustrating parts. I’ve found that to be true of all the jobs I’ve ever had. Those tourists were fortunate to have someone help them who took the task seriously, even as I observed in disbelief. I guess this all just proves my personal philosophy that everyone is good at something, has a purpose, and we’re all in a certain place at a certain time for a specific reason. What was probably a simple interaction to all parties involved was incredibly interesting to me and gave me a lot to think about.

This is why I enjoy writing non-fiction and why I carry a notebook everywhere I go. There’s always amazing things happening around us, sometimes funny things or examples of kindness or just something spectacular; a week later I pulled up to the same grocery store and saw a man getting arrested for fighting in the parking lot!

It’s a reminder to keep my eyes open all the time, to focus on the moment I’m in, instead of worrying about what I’m doing next. 

Be Careful What You Wish For

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while, which is frustrating because I've actually been doing a ton of writing.

A while back, I clicked on an obviously targeted Facebook ad stating that a news site was looking for writers. One of my biggest hang ups as a writer is that because I've never gotten paid to write I've had a hard time considering myself a "real" writer (whatever that means). So I jumped at the chance to apply for a paid position. It was a fairly involved application process and long story short I'm about half way through an internship that only one out of every ten applicants gets accepted for and I'm getting paid to write. The ironic thing is it turns out I'm not enjoying it much.

Because the site is geared towards trending news, that what everything I've been writing (about 5 pieces a week) is about. It's not something I've ever had any training in or interest in doing. The cool thing is it turns out I'm not bad at it so I'm putting out articles each week and getting clicks. The down side is I feel my creativity is squashed and I'm dying to write something that reflects my personality and opinions.

Between my job at the veterinary clinic, my roller derby team and my personal life, I often struggle to find uninterrupted time to write. Now the majority of the time I have for that is spent doing these articles. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the opportunity! I'm also proud of myself for trying something new and recognizing that it's not a match for me. There was a time in my life where I wouldn't have tried at all or I would have signed on and felt unable to change my mind for fear it would reflect poorly on me as a person.

I'm going to finish the internship because I take my commitments seriously and it's been a positive experience. I've learned a lot and gone outside my comfort zone, which is exciting and fairly new for me.

It's also been beneficial to me because it's reinforced what my passion truly is, which is writing personal essays and sharing my experiences.

My posts may continue to be sparse over the next couple of weeks but hopefully after that I can turn my attention back to doing what I love for no pay!

Stay Tuned

When it rains it pours, right? Not only is that fitting for spring time in Montana (lots of rain on top of all that snow can make for terrible flooding) but also for life. I worked three days in January and I spent a great deal of my down time sitting around reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, that it was good for me to be home with my thoughts for a while and that things would pick up again. I was right, or course and now I'm reminding myself that things will slow back down again! I've gotten more work offers through  my temp agency, so much so that I've had to be careful not to over extend myself, and when I took my dogs in for vaccines on Saturday, their veterinarian offered me a job (for the third time!). So I went in to sit for an interview with her today and I'm considering taking a part time job at her clinic. It's funny how things can change from one month to the next, from one day to the next...

I haven't been blogging much lately but I promise you I have been writing! So please bear with me because you're going to be seeing a lot of posts from me really soon!! Last year was the first time I participated in the April A to Z Blogging Challenge but I've been looking forward to it all year and am gearing up for it again! I have a theme in mind this year and I hope my readers will enjoy a month's worth of alphabetized posts! Right now I'm in the process of getting them planned and hopefully most of them written and scheduled so that I won't be frantically writing every day in April!

Another thing I've been doing that I'm excited about is writing for Bozeman Magazine. I had written a couple articles in 2012 but they were in the journalistic style where I was assigned a topic and I wasn't crazy about it so I didn't continue. I'm not sure why it took me so long but at the end of 2013 I approached the editor again, gave her the link to my blog and basically said "This is what I enjoy doing, could you have a use for me?" and she said yes! March is my third month writing a "local living" article.

Spring is around the corner and the quiet winter doldrums are behind us (maybe? hopefully?). Who knows what the next cycle of the year will bring. I'm still working on my personal goal of living in each moment instead of focusing on or worrying about what lies ahead. It can truly be a challenge for me sometimes. There's so much to do, things to prepare for, places to go... But even on the days I struggle I can see I'm miles ahead of where I've been before. No matter what happens next, I'll be okay!

Phone It In

The saying "Write what you know" is one of my biggest motivators as a writer. I have it written inside a couple of my notebooks to serve as a reminder when I think I've run out of ideas. I enjoy reading fiction but I've never been a fan of writing it. I was uncomfortable turning in fiction assignments in school and if I had to read it out loud, oh man I would squirm in my seat. I hated making stuff up. I always thought people would assume anything I wrote was fact based, since that's what I preferred to do. I've always chosen to write personal based pieces because I believe that truth is often stranger than fiction. Amazing things happen to us every day and we take it for granted or miss out all together because we're too busy looking for something else. My iPhone has changed my life in a lot of ways but the biggest one is that I've started snapping photos of random things that I encounter throughout my days. Now I know I'm certainly not the only one doing this, and the people I work with and hang out with chuckle at me, but I don't mind. What I'm noticing are these tiny, fleeting moments that might seem uninteresting but when you stop and think about it, there's a cool story attached.

I was recently working a shift in the kitchen of a hotel. I prepare food and put it out for the guests' complimentary dinner. At the end of the dinner service, I bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies to set out at the front desk. It's pretty straight forward, the same type of cookies are made at the same time every evening. It's just one task on the checklist of many for that shift. But I'll tell you something, people appreciate those darn cookies! Those who are regular guests of this particular hotel chain expect those cookies! People can smell them baking and can be practically giddy at the thought of a free warm chocolate chip cookie. When I worked that most recent shift, the cookies looked and smelled perfect when I took them out of the oven. I looked at them and thought "It's pretty cool that I get to bake these cookies and take them out there for people" so I took a picture. I firmly believe that we always have a choice of at least two ways to look at any given situation. I know it's not always easy but I try to find that silver lining because it's always there, even when we choose to ignore it.

Good Morning!

I've written in a journal almost every day since I was 18. I'll admit I go through phases where I write very little or not at all, but that hardly lasts more than a couple weeks. I've got boxes tucked away in a closet that hold all the notebooks I've filled over the years. Generally, I don't like to read my old entries but every once in a great while I'll flip through one looking for something specific. It's comforting to have them all together. I like the fact that I've recorded so much of my life on paper. My habit has almost always been to write in the evenings, reflecting on the day's events. Sometimes I have little scraps of paper I've tucked into my purse or pocket during the day, where I've jotted down a great thought or funny incident. I'll tape them onto my journal pages or transcribe them in with my other writings.

Although I'm a creature of habit, last month I made a switch. On the advice of my life coach, I've been writing in the mornings. She suggested I strengthen my gratitude practice by making time each morning to write before I start my day. Now that I've started working again, I set my alarm extra early (previously unheard of!) so that I have time for myself, without feeling rushed, before the rest of my morning routine. Initially, I thought I'd be too groggy to be productive right after rolling out of bed. Now, I will admit that I don't sit down without a cup of coffee but I've been surprised at how easily the words start flowing. I also have a great tool that I highly recommend. It's a book called Good Morning: 365 Positive Ways To Start Your Day by Brook Noel. I've had this book for a few years and I've read it intermittently but obviously I wasn't making time for it and I hadn't looked at it in a long time. So I dusted it off and have made it a part of my daily reflection. For each day of the year there is a topic for which there is an entry by the author that's related to the quote she has chosen for the day. Next, there's "Your Turn", which guides you on how to apply today's message to your life and a daily affirmation. Each day is filled with positive messages and reminders to help the reader slow down, identify and focus on the important things in life. I write down each day's affirmation as part of my journal entry. Then when I'm all finished writing, I slide off the recliner onto the floor and meditate for a few moments, usually on that affirmation along with my specific personal intentions for the day. I'm not sure why this hadn't occurred to me before, since I'm a planner! I paired this new habit with my return to the work force last month and I honestly can't believe how good I feel leaving my house each morning. I used to dread getting up for work. I'd set the alarm as late as possible, rush around trying to get everything together,  stumble out the door, then spend my commute figuring out what I forgot at home. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't happy at that job was a big factor in all of this, but of all the things I've learned in the last few months, it all comes back to making time for myself and showing myself kindness.

I know I've suggested this before (and I'll probably suggest it in future posts!), but if you don't already keep a journal, give it a try. It doesn't have to be a "diary", just jot down your thoughts or goals, make a list of things you are thankful for, or if you're feeling inspired, get a copy of this book and make it a part of your day. I guarantee you will notice a difference in your days! If you already have a practice similar to mine, please tell me about it! I love to hear what techniques people use to show gratitude!

The Power of a Good Book

As I've mentioned before, I'm an avid reader and I tend to devour good books quickly.  I spent the majority of my day today glued to Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I started it less than a week ago but have barely been able to put it down over the past few days.  Today, I simply couldn't handle the thought of closing the book and having to wait until tonight to find out what happened next. I folded laundry and loaded the dishwasher with the book open beside me. When I walked the dog, my brain was going crazy, thinking about what might happen to the characters. Finally I gave in and laid on my bed for over and hour and plowed through. I feel a great relief and sense of closure but also a little loopy from spending so much of my day staring at printed words. Now I have to rush through the rest of my To Do List before leaving for practice this evening. Totally worth it.

Reading is one of the hobbies I've been able to fully indulge in this summer. Reading and writing go hand in hand for me. The more I do of one (especially when it's good), the more I want to do of the other. Good writing has a lot of power.

Ironically, I also received a book in the mail today. I won it in a give away on Goodreads.com a few weeks ago. It practically makes me giddy, getting a book for free!

Just Show Up

Back on day ten of this challenge, I was feeling stuck and having trouble writing a post. I wanted to write and had ideas but nothing was flowing. Yet somehow, I managed to write about being unable to write! When I shared my post on FaceBook, one of my friends responded by saying "At least you showed up", and she shared a link to a TED Talk by author Elizabeth Gilbert about creative genius. If you write, or do anything else creative, take the time to watch her talk, it's not long and it will make you feel much better about the days you struggle to create.

During this challenge, I have been reading a lot of other blogs and there seems to be a common debate on whether bloggers are writers. I wasn't aware that was an issue. It seems like a no brainer to me. We're writing our blog posts, aren't we? It reminds me of when I first started running and doing races (5Ks and 10Ks). People would say "Oh you're a runner?" and I would answer "Well, I run but I'm not a runner". In my head there was a big difference between me and "actual runners". I don't know why. I've done the same sort of thing with roller derby too. I was putting myself on a different level than everyone else just because I'm less experienced. I've been working on that a lot lately and I've noticed what a huge difference there is in my performance when I change my self talk.

Oddly, my opinion of myself is much different when it comes to writing. I am a writer. Maybe not a professional one (yet!) but I've always loved it and been good at it. I've taken many writing classes and been involved in writing programs. I've even written a few articles that have been published. If I don't write regularly I become a mess inside my head, all these thoughts and feelings rolling around. I've got to get them out! I've kept a journal since I was 16. I've written every day for years and now I post it, people read it and they like it!

Last week I was talking with a friend who has been reading my posts for this challenge. We were discussing the subject of that particular day's post and it was a great feeling. As I told her then, we probably wouldn't have been having that conversation if I didn't blog. A lot of the things I write about wouldn't come up in a normal conversation. I put my thoughts out there and people can take them or leave them. When someone approaches me and wants to talk about what I've written, that bonds us a little bit, I think. The fact that people read my blog is extremely flattering.  I know how hectic everyone's lives are and they're taking precious minutes from their day to read what I have to say. That's amazing. I've started carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go because I love all the odd little things that happen during the course of a regular day that most people don't notice. I like to write about those things with wit and a positive attitude. It helps remind me that we're all human and deal with the same issues. Knowing that other people relate to my feelings and experiences motivates me to keep going. I don't write just for myself. That's why I show up every day. Sometimes I create something I'm proud of and sometimes I'm stuck but I'm always there with my notebook giving it a shot.

I Love A Challenge

Welcome to my first entry of The Ultimate Blog Challenge. I learned of this challenge earlier today, when a blogger friend of mine posted a link on my FaceBook wall. I opened the link, saw it was a daily blogging challenge and immediately clicked to sign up. It was only after I registered for the challenge that I thought "Oh shoot, it's July 1st. I need to start this right away. Uh oh, what have I done?"!

I'm currently unemployed by choice, for the first time in my adult life. I have an incredibly supportive partner who has encouraged me to take this time to decompress and figure some things out. Part of my very loose plan for this time has been to make time for my writing. I've been writing on a daily basis but I often find it difficult to sit and write when there are other things to be done. This challenge will be great for me because it will give me a reason to post every day. I have notebooks full of partially written essays and even more in my mind. I'm glad to have a reason to dig through them all and see what I can come up with!

A to Z Challenge Reflections

It's the second day of May and I'm missing the A to Z challenge! I'd never posted on a daily basis so my brain has shifted into writing mode and I hope it doesn't go away! I was excited yet nervous to take on the challenge and was pleased to find it easier and more enjoyable than I had expected. I'm really pleased with the ideas I had and the topics I chose. I also found it easier to write the farther I got into April.

Halfway through March I started an a to z list in my writing notebook and wrote down every idea I had for each letter. Since I only picked one topic per letter, it has left me with a great list to choose from for future posts. The toughest part of the challenge for me was simply making the time to write each day and get the posts scheduled. Most nights I would type up the next day's entry and schedule it to post at 3am the next morning. Each day when I got home from work, I would log on to see how many views and comments my posts had gotten. I truly appreciated the things people had to say, especially strangers who could relate to my posts. My favorite thing about blogging is that I get to share my stories and thoughts with people. I like pushing myself and just putting things out there. The other cool thing I got out of the challenge is discovering a lot of other great blogs/writers. It feels really good to be connected to other people through my writing.

The only downside to blogging through the month of April is that I didn't really get to comment on much that was going on in my life at the time. On the plus side, that gives me more material for future posts!