Crossing The Finish Line

I'm almost done! This is the last day of this Ultimate Blogging Challenge and I'm not going to lie, I'm relieved. Don't get me wrong, I've thoroughly enjoyed participating but I'm ready for a break. The hardest part for me was feeling pressure to produce something on days when I just wasn't in the mood. As much as I love writing, I can't turn it on and off at will. Some days I felt powerfully drawn to write and others it was just going through the motions to get something finished. I enjoy journaling every day but that's a whole different level. I rarely post anything that comes from my journal writings, or if I do it's after some heavy editing!

Despite the fact that I've produced 30 relatively positive blog posts this month, I've been struggling with some not so positive feelings. I'm still recovering from the loss of my sweet dog, from leaving my job in a field I worked in for almost 15 years, and I'm trying to figure out how to go about looking for work again. Honestly, I don't feel like it. I'm fortunate to have a partner who supports me taking as much time as I need to recover and figure out what I want to do but I worry I might not ever feel like it. Do I force myself to go through the motions of finding a job I don't really want? No, and I don't think I even could force myself. I struggle with feelings of guilt and inadequacy being the partner not working. In theory, I think I should be compensating by at least keeping the house super clean but I haven't  felt like doing that either. In fact, I hate housework. All the guilt in the world probably couldn't inspire me to do a perfect job! Some days I have half of my To Do List checked off by noon, other days I'm not even out of my pajamas at that time. I'm honestly not sure what I'm expecting. Everybody's advice is different and I truly appreciate it. I think I'm still trying to figure out who I am now, after all these changes and I guess I can't really put a timeline on that.

This blogging challenge came at a perfect time for me. It has given me something to do each day, given me a reason to interact with people and a chance to share my stories, all of which have helped my healing process. And while I'll miss the routine of posting for the challenge each day, I'm looking forward to days without a deadline! I'm glad to have my brain in writing mode again and while I don't plan on posting daily, I have plenty of ideas to work with to post regularly. I'd like to again thank everyone who hosted the challenge for making it happen and for everyone who participated, either writing posts or simply being my audience!

My Life Tastes Good

My boyfriend and I are both self proclaimed "food snobs".  My friends call me a "foodie", that sounds a bit nicer! Before I started dating Reggie, I appreciated good food but not to the degree I do now. The main difference between him and I is that he enjoys creating beautiful food before eating it, where as I'm just looking to indulge. Sure, I can cook and I enjoy cooking sometimes but only to a certain degree. I don't choose recipes with more than say six main ingredients, and I have trouble with timing all dishes in a meal to be done at once. If it's a recipe a little beyond my comfort zone, Reggie will serve as my sous chef.  I've read articles in magazines that give step by step instructions on how to cook a meal with your spouse without fighting. That's not an issue for us. We have never fought over cooking and honestly have only had a few actual arguments in all the time we've been together. He has done the majority of cooking our meals but since I've been out of work this summer, I've pitched in more than usual. But it goes like this: I'll make a few meals, stuff like baked fish with veggies or chicken enchiladas and then he'll make one meal that is fancier than all of mine combined: a whole chicken on the grill with green beans in yogurt sauce and sliced tomatoes with herbed mayo!

My female friends are typically surprised to see how much he loves to cook and even more so when I tell them we often cook together. They say "You're so lucky to be with a man who likes to cook" and I say "Oh yes, I know". We've both been married before, him to someone who was  picky about food, and me to someone whose motto was "If it hasn't been processed more than twice, I'm not eating it". Now, we both truly appreciate having a partner who shares our love of good, fresh food and adventurous eating. One of my favorite food stories is on our first Valentine's Day together, Reggie cooked us and amazing meal of steaks, baked potatoes and asparagus with lobster risotto.

What girl wouldn't love that, right? Well I was a vegetarian for seven years and although I'd been eating meat for two years at that point, I'd never had lobster before. I took one bite and said "Eww, what's that fishy taste?!" Apparently that's lobster and I don't like it!

We plan out our meals for the week, usually trying at least two new recipes per week. We grow a large garden and preserve some of our harvest, we make as many things from scratch as possible. For Reggie, cooking is a way to decompress after his day at work. He makes fresh bread, pasta, pies, salsa, you name it. Meal time is more than just eating for us. We were both raised in traditional households where Mom cooks the meals and the whole family eats together. We rarely eat anywhere but the dining table, which is always set nicely, even though it's just the two of us. We talk about our day and current events. We also make amazing meals with our family and friends. Just last weekend we had a sushi night with another couple. Well, I drank wine and took photos while everyone else rolled sushi! It's always a fun, bonding experience to make food with other people that you eat together.

Any time we eat at a restaurant, we're always inspecting our meal and saying "Oh we could make this at home"!  We're constantly amazed by the amount of prepared, processed foods in the grocery store. But even though we're "snobs", we know we're fortunate. I can't imagine what it would cost to feed a family of four (or more!) the kinds of foods we eat. I'm constantly frustrated by the fact that you can buy ground beef and Hamburger Helper to create a meal for only a few dollars when buying whole foods and fresh ingredients is often 3-4 times as much. I don't understand the politics of it but I wish there was a better solution. I'd much rather know we were the norm than a rarity.

The Power of a Good Book

As I've mentioned before, I'm an avid reader and I tend to devour good books quickly.  I spent the majority of my day today glued to Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I started it less than a week ago but have barely been able to put it down over the past few days.  Today, I simply couldn't handle the thought of closing the book and having to wait until tonight to find out what happened next. I folded laundry and loaded the dishwasher with the book open beside me. When I walked the dog, my brain was going crazy, thinking about what might happen to the characters. Finally I gave in and laid on my bed for over and hour and plowed through. I feel a great relief and sense of closure but also a little loopy from spending so much of my day staring at printed words. Now I have to rush through the rest of my To Do List before leaving for practice this evening. Totally worth it.

Reading is one of the hobbies I've been able to fully indulge in this summer. Reading and writing go hand in hand for me. The more I do of one (especially when it's good), the more I want to do of the other. Good writing has a lot of power.

Ironically, I also received a book in the mail today. I won it in a give away on Goodreads.com a few weeks ago. It practically makes me giddy, getting a book for free!

Thank You

As part of this blogging challenge, I've been reading 2-10 other blogs per day. That's a lot of posts over the past 28 days! One thing that I've been continually impressed by is how many of these blogs focus on positivity and gratitude. I just don't think there's enough of either of those things in our world today. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority, being a person who believes we all have something to be thankful for each day. This challenge has been a blessing for me in many ways but this is probably one of the biggest: It has restored my faith in humanity a bit, you might say. I feel a sense of relief, seeing how many other souls out there are similar to my own. We're plugging away each day, sharing our thoughts and experiences with positivity and humor. We give each other feedback and inspiration, sometimes intentionally but mostly just by being present and true to ourselves. I have been moved to tears more than once so far by a friend's or fellow blogger's comment on my posts. Knowing that there are people out there who enjoy reading what I write is a feeling I haven't experienced to this degree before. It has motivated me to write more and more and to push myself further than I have before. I have more ideas than I know what to do with right now which is an incredible feeling!

While I've been doing this challenge all month I've also been participating in a 30 day photo challenge on FaceBook. Each day has an assigned subject so I go through my day looking for an opportunity to take the photo. Combine that with also thinking about writing a blog each day and I've been a regular idea factory this month! I have more ideas than I know what to do with right now which is an incredible feeling! I've been taking tons of photos and carrying a notebook with me at all times so I can jot down thoughts and descriptions. I'm documenting my life in a way I never have before.  It's the first time in a long time that I've really felt this sense of worthiness about what I create.

I believe everything happens for a reason. There were some sad and unfortunate events that led to me being home by myself this summer but if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the time to write for this challenge each day. I definitely wouldn't have produced the material that I have. I have questioned a few of the posts I've written this month. More than once I've cringed when clicking the "Publish" button thinking people would give negative feedback or think less of me for writing it. But I clicked it anyway and I am glad I did. I'm sure everyone hasn't loved every single thing I've written (I sure don't) but I haven't gotten any feedback that was less than positive. I'm already looking forward to the next challenge!

Where Is It?

My creative genius appears to be absent today. I've shown up and attempted several posts but nothing is coming out right. I have some ideas but they're stalling out. So I've decided to go with this:

I took this picture one afternoon earlier this week when my creative genius was present. I was soaking up the sun by my koi pond, listening to good music and writing, writing, writing. The drink in my hand is ice water with lemon. I was on a roll and feeling great! In the past, on the days when I'm "not feeling it" with my writing I would tend to get frustrated with myself. Recently though, I've learned that it comes and goes and that's normal. I'm grateful for this blogging challenge because I've been able to connect with other writers and I have seen more than a few posts this month that show others deal with the same thing. Why is it so hard for us to accept that? Some days we produce greatness, others not so much.

So here's to today! I spent time with my family, I went to a movie and I didn't write much.

Be Here Now

As much as I strive to be present in the moment, I''ll admit I sometimes struggle. As long as I can remember, my brain has always been on, always going a hundred miles and hour. Even when I'm doing something I enjoy, there's usually a list running in the back of my head "Okay, when I'm done here I have to stop at the grocery store for milk, then I'll go home and start the laundry, put meat out to thaw for dinner, walk the dog, check the mail, work on my essay..." and that list is never ending. As I prepare for an up coming event, even if I'm looking forward to it, it's always been an item to check off the list "This weekend we've got the bar-b-que at So & So's on Saturday then we're taking that hike on Sunday, I've got practice on Monday, the concert on Thursday, the next weekend is the camping trip, the weekend after that we're going to Denver..." I'm a planner. That's just how I'm wired. I want to know what's happening next so I can be prepared, get finished and on to the next thing. It's allowed me to do a lot of things but it's also caused me a lot of grief and quite honestly it's exhausting.

This is one of the reasons I started seeing my life coach. I felt like I was missing out on life because I was worrying so much about the next thing on the list. I knew I needed to make some changes but I honestly didn't know how to go about it. A lot of the work we've done has been focused on slowing down, being present in each thing I do, experiencing it completely and then moving on to the next thing. It's been hard work. During this time I've been unemployed, I've been taking things one day at a time. When I first left my job, friends wanted to know "What's your plan? What are you going to do next?" and for the first time in my life I could answer "I don't know and I'm okay with that" and truly mean it. It's been scary and liberating at the same time. I know that eventually I want to be a taxidermist but there's a lot of unknowns between here and there. I'm currently not generating any income and while at times that can be a little unnerving, I've decided to accept this time as a gift. I'm probably not going to have a phase like this again. I'm trying to enjoy it instead of letting it stress me out.

One of my mantras during my work with my coach has become "Be here now". I've jotted into the margins of my notebooks, I've repeated it to myself during both enjoyable experiences and unpleasant ones. I considered getting these words tattooed inside my left wrist but that didn't feel quite right. I started looking for a piece of jewelry with this phrase on it and still couldn't find exactly what I had in mind. That's when I called on one of my roller derby teammates who is a metalsmith. I tossed the idea out to her and she was more than enthusiastic to make me something that will help serve me on my journey. I could see it in my head so I gave her some ideas, she drew up some sketches, got my feedback and then got to work.

I wear the bracelet every day, for just about everything I do. I look down at it when I start to feel restless or simply need a reminder that this very moment is worth experiencing to it's fullest. When I'm waiting in a line and I'm bored or when I'm on the phone with my mom and she won't stop talking, these are times I need to say "Okay brain, slow down. What's going on here that's worth noticing?" It's definitely easier said than done. There are still times when I get impatient or rushed. Even so, I think it's cool that I can look down at this little thing that was made just for me.

Step Outside

While I've been doing this blogging challenge, I often scroll through my photos, looking for inspiration for posts. This is a sketch my life coach drew for me while encouraging me to step outside my comfort zone and try something new. This happened back in February when I was contemplating doing something "scary". It was a way of looking at things that I hadn't considered before and it has inspired me many times since then to "put myself out there". About two months ago, I was texting with a friend who was about to embark on a new journey. She talked about how she was excited yet nervous because she didn't like to step out of her comfort zone. I immediately thought of this sketch and scrambled to dig through my notebooks and find it. I took this picture and texted it to her. She loved it and she appreciated knowing that I deal with similar feelings. I came across the picture today and decided to share it because I'm sure there are people out there who could use the inspiration! I think we often get caught up in our own lives and the battles we fight, and we forget that there are other people close to us who are dealing with something similar. 

Ah ha!

There are few things in life I treasure as much as a great "Ah ha!" moment. The older I get, the more of them I seem to have. When I've been struggling with something for a long time and then suddenly the answer is in front of my face as plain as day, I used to beat myself up asking "Why didn't I think of that sooner?!" but I've learned to be grateful for that moment. I know that things align themselves when I'm ready, whether I realize it or not.

At the beginning of my most recent session with my life coach, she asked me how I've been feeling lately, meaning since the recent death of my dog. I said that at first I had good days and bad days, then a good week or two followed by a bad one. Last week was really good, this week not so much. I gave her more details and it wasn't until later in the conversation when I repeated that I was having a bad day that she stopped me. "What you're doing is labeling your whole day", she explained. "None of it's bad. None of it's good. It just is." I was quiet for a moment, then I said "Huh. That makes a lot of sense" and I scribbled it into my little notebook. I went through my day repeating that line in my head and feeling pretty mellow. Later that night while reflecting on the events of that session, I realized what an impact that sentence had on me. That was my ah ha moment. With all the progress I've made in my life, I still spend a lot energy worrying about following the rules, being on time, doing what I "should". I try to balance that out with taking care of myself and doing what I feel like doing. Maybe if I stop labeling everything as good or bad, it will ease some of that pressure I feel. I don't need to do chores in the afternoon to even out the fun I had while out of the house in the morning. They're all just things that I get to do, all part of my full days that I am very fortunate to have.

I've been waiting for myself to feel "better" since my loss. I now see that's an unrealistic expectation to put on myself. I just feel what I feel. There's a sense of relief that comes with this ah ha moment, with this potential for a new mind set. It's exciting, like I have the power to make a change that could  be a major one for me. I know I can't make a change like this overnight but I can sense that it's already begun and I look forward to what it brings.
 

Who Is Your Guru?

I recently read a book called The Dude and the Zen Master by Jeff Bridges and Bernie Glassman. It's basically a transcript of conversations between the two men, who have been friends for over a decade.  They discuss life and the importance of doing good as they explore the idea of The Dude is considered by many Buddhists to be a Zen master. It's a pretty fun book, easy to read and quite inspiring. If you're a fan of Jeff Bridges, you should definitely read it.

My favorite line in the book is when Jeff says "Everyone you meet is your guru, teaching you something." This is a personal philosophy I have had for a long time, although not exactly in those words. I've written a lot lately about judging others and how it prevents us from seeing things through a wider lens. I believe that everyone we come in contact with has something to teach us. If you write someone off because of a snap judgement, be it how they're dressed or what kind of car they drive, you're missing out on a potentially great learning opportunity. I like that line so much because of the word guru. Sure you could say everyone you meet is a teacher, but guru implies that they're a "master", that they're really worth listening to. Everyone is a master of their own ways. With that thought in mind, it also goes to say that the people I come in contact with have something to learn from me as well. I like the thought of myself as a guru. I truly do believe that just by being me and sharing my experiences with others, I teach what I have learned. I have seen that happen. Even if the other person doesn't realize they're learning from me or don't want to, I know that just by sticking with what I know and believe, I can inspire someone. That's a pretty big deal.

                          

Showing My Colors

At some point during all the blog hopping I've been doing for this challenge, I happened across a post that discussed coloring as stress relief for adults. I always enjoyed coloring as a kid but I can't remember the last time I used crayons, probably 20 years ago or more. The post made sense to me and I briefly thought "Hmm...I should give that a try" but after after leaving the post I didn't think about it again. A couple days later, I was shopping with my other half when he called to me from an aisle away "Hey honey, these crayons are only $1.68! We don't have any at home, do we?" I knew it was a sign from The Universe! I trotted over and said "Let's get them! I just read an article about coloring as stress relief for adults" and into the cart went a box of 64 crayons. Next I needed a coloring book but discovered they were $5 for only a few flimsy pages. Reg suggested I draw my own pictures but I'm more of a "stay inside the lines" kind of person so he said he thought I could find some online to print out.

My initial search for "pages to color" turned up lots of sites that provide coloring books to pages to download for a fee. I added "free" in there and found  Crayola's website. They have a lot of options for all sorts of crafty stuff. Of course it's geared towards kids, so this is what I ended up with:

Don't laugh! I did a couple of those and while they're cute and fun, it wasn't quite what I had in mind. Over the weekend I had some time to look again and got the same sort of results so I decided to change it up and Googled "free coloring pages". Autocomplete kicked in and gave me some suggestions: the first was "for children" and the second was "for adults". I'm not sure what it says about me that I hesitated for a moment, thinking "coloring pages for adults" would mean X-rated. I honestly didn't even want to come across those, but I took the chance and thank goodness no one is as perverted as I was suspecting. Well, I'll take that back and say I bet someone is but thankfully it wasn't easy to stumble upon.

With a bit of searching, I have been able to find several sites that offer free designs I can print out. This makes me feel better because at least now I know I'm not the only grown up looking for coloring books! I tried to find the blog post that originally gave me the idea but I've had no luck. However I did find several other articles on the subject.

As to whether or not coloring actually reduces my stress levels, I can't say for sure yet. I certainly found it to be a soothing activity. The smell of the crayons takes me right back to childhood. My mom colored with me a lot. I remember I had a Planet of the Apes coloring book that I loved (How in the heck did I get that?!). It definitely is a nice alternative to staring at FaceBook. One thing I noticed right away is that coloring encourages me to slow down and sit still quietly, which isn't something I do very often. It's not something I can do "real fast" and it's the only thing I can think of that I've done lately with no agenda. I'm coloring the pages and then putting them in a pile on my desk. That's it. I'm not finishing them to meet a deadline or gain knowledge or to give them away.

Even though I'm staying within the lines, I'm still using the creative part of my brain. It's something different and it feel nice. I encourage you to give it a try. Sit at your kitchen table in the evening, when the house is quiet, and color a picture.

Let The Sun Shine (but be careful)

Since I've been out of work for the past couple months, I've gotten something this summer that I haven't had in years: a good tan. Now don't worry, I am fully aware of the dangers of sun exposure. I know, I know, I know. I probably shouldn't be in the sun as much as I am. I just can't help it. It feels good.

I grew up in the 80's, before we knew we should be avoiding sun exposure. I clearly remember my mother lying on one of those plastic tri-fold lawn chairs using coconut scented "suntan lotion". She even had one of those reflectors that looked like it was made from tin foil. She always had a dark tan. And yes, my mother has had skin cancer. So has my grandmother on my father's side and she's always avoided the sun. I recently asked my mother if she would have avoided the sun, had she known in the 70's and 80's that she was increasing her risks. She paused for a moment to consider and tilted her head to one side. "Probably not" she replied. She also smoked cigarettes for twenty years, quitting when I was about twelve and she developed asthma. I don't smoke. Although I gave it a try briefly when I was a teenager, it's never appealed to me. Why would I pick up on one risky behavior but not the other?

Maybe I'm over thinking it. I know we need sunlight to survive and that it improves our mood, among other things. I even have one of those "Happy Lights" to get me through the long dark winters. But for me, it's more than that. It's almost as if it warms my bones and keeps me moving. I like to be warm. I'd much rather be hot than cold. My other half is the opposite. In fact, when we first started dating I feared we wouldn't be able to stay together when I learned he likes to sleep with a fan blowing on his face! We've managed to make it work, although it seems like he's always struggling to cool off and I'm always trying to get warm. The funny thing is, my mom and step-dad are similar. When I visit in the summer, the central air is blasting and he's wearing shorts with no shirt while she's pulling on socks and a sweatshirt.

I'm quite curious about the discussion of nature versus nurture. In what ways am I who I am because I learned it from my mom? And what are the things she passed to me that I can't avoid? My love of the sun is one trait that makes me wonder, my anxiety issues are another. I've spent a lot of time blaming my mom for stuff like that. I've learned that it's unproductive and unnecessary. When my folks visited me last month, we were all sitting out by our pond watching the koi and chatting. At almost the same time, my step-dad and my boyfriend both declared "It's too hot, I'm going inside!" My mom and I stayed on the bench and sat together quietly for a little while by ourselves, something we haven't done in years. That was a moment I'll remember for a long time and I'm glad it was created for us by our love of the sun.

Nice Work!

Montana is the only place I've ever lived where people say congratulations when I tell them I'm harvesting from my garden. As I've mentioned before, gardening here is an ambitious effort. With an average growing season of 74 days, we often see our last frost in early June and our first one at the beginning of September. We live at a high altitude, deal with frequent high winds, hail, and poor soil conditions. At this time of year, we're often dealing with drought conditions combined with water restrictions, which can make caring for the plants extra tricky.

I will admit that my other half and I are a bit above average when it comes to our gardening efforts. This is our fourth summer gardening together and I like to think that we're starting to get the hang of it. We've learned what plants do well (peas, lettuce, squash) and what isn't worth the effort (corn, cabbage,  melons). We've brought in soil, which was deposited in our driveway in a hill and we moved it to the back yard with shovels, wheelbarrows and the help of family members. We start planning our garden in January and order seeds which we plant indoors beginning in March. This year we had a common problem in that our tomatoes were six inches tall and ready to go in the soil but it was still too cold to put them out.

The first few weeks that things are in the ground are always nerve wracking. Sometimes we have to cover plants overnight with tarps to avoid frost. But once June is in full swing and the days are long and sunny, things start to take root and flourish.

This summer is unique because I'm not working. I've been able to send much more time in the garden than previous summers. It has been therapeutic for me as well, as I've cried over and recovered from my loss, and thought about my future with my toes in the dirt. I'm usually pretty emotionally invested in the garden but this year I am even more so. I haven't decided if that's good or bad! I've lost a couple plants for various reasons and it really bums me out. My carrots are doing better than they ever have and I attribute that to all the time I've spent thinning, weeding and tilling around them. Earlier this week I harvested my first sugar snap peas. I bit into one right there in the garden. It was warm from the sun, sweet and crispy. I felt full inside, with pride and a sense of accomplishment different from previous harvests.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. There's never a good time for bad things to happen but the timing of everything that happened to me this spring couldn't have been better. If it was winter and I was cooped up in the house, I know my rough few weeks would have stretched on and on. Instead, even though I was sad or worried, I'd make myself go outside at least once a day to water the plants and check on them. I look forward to eating from the garden as the summer goes on, but especially this winter, when we'll eat salsas, jams and frozen veggies we've preserved. Even though it might remind me of a sad time, it will be proof of what I was able to do during that time. Sometimes it's amazing to me that I've accomplished anything at all over the past two months. If I can do this now, I know that when I'm healed and motivated, I will be able to conquer anything I put my mind to!

Get Motivated

I wore glasses as a child (and was teased for it, as is the custom), but didn't need them in my teens and early twenties. About six years ago I had to start wearing them again, but only for distance. I wore glasses to drive, watch a movie, or look at the stars. I would intentionally not wear them if I was out, say in a crowded bar, and I didn't want to run the risk of recognize anyone! I went for an eye exam this past December because I was having some vision related issues. This was a new doctor. He said my prescription was too strong for me to go back and forth so much during the day (why didn't the doctor who prescribed them tell me that?!). He suggested I try wearing my glasses all the time to see if some of my symptoms resolved. It was an almost instant fix.

I have always been resistant to wearing contacts. "I don't want to touch my eyeball!" constant refrain. Plus, the idea of having something in my eye all the time was weird and sounded uncomfortable. After several months of wearing my glasses all day, I knew that I needed them all the time. The only problem was I can't wear them when I play roller derby. For a while I tried to make do but I would get dizzy and I just plain couldn't see well. In derby, the game takes place behind you and there is one girl (the other team's jammer) who you are trying to stop. When everything is blurry, she's either hit me or blown past me by the time I realized she was there. It just wasn't good. So I knew I had to bite the bullet and get contacts.

My eye doctor is great. He's kind and soft spoken and takes a lot of time explaining things. He knew I was nervous about getting contacts and made sure I was comfortable with them before I left the office. While he was preparing to fit me with the first pair, I asked him if most people have trouble getting the lenses in and out when they first start wearing them. He said "Well, it really depends on how motivated you are" and I said "Oh, I'm pretty motivated"!

I've actually been amazed at how easily I adjusted to wearing my contacts. I can't believe I was against them for so long. It has gotten me thinking about what my doctor said and it goes for more than just contact lenses. When it comes to change, your results are dependent on how motivated you are. It certainly proved true for me in this situation and for roller derby in general. When I first started skating, I was a mess. I fell and hurt myself and my first practice. It took me months to be able to complete the skills test. There were definitely a couple times I thought about quitting BUT I knew I could do it and I wanted it so badly.  I guess motivation can be synonymous with stubborn sometimes!

Just One Cup

                                                    My morning routine




I've always liked coffee but it wasn't until I moved in with my other half that I became an "every morning I can't function til I have it" coffee drinker. I don't know how much of it really is a caffeine addiction versus habit and routine. Regardless, it's a part of my day that I enjoy.

Reg had a regular old Mr. Coffee pot when I moved in, but I brought my Keurig so we started using it. Then it broke. Keurig sent me a new one and then it broke. I'll just say I'm no longer a fan of Keurig. At this point, it was obvious to us that we needed to use a different machine but we were spoiled by being able to make one cup at a time. This was back when I was getting up three hours earlier than he did so if we set the Mr. Coffee to start brewing for me, it was cold by the time he got up.We did some research and decided we wanted an automatic espresso machine but they are pretty expensive so we went back to using the Mr. Coffee and pouting about it.

One day about two years ago, we were in Macy's "just looking" at coffee/espresso machines and lo and behold we hit the jackpot. Long story short, we ended up with this glorious DeLonghi machine. It is amazing. It grinds the beans as it makes your cup of coffee, has a hot water spout and even a milk steaming pitcher. I'll say it again, it's glorious. When friends come to visit, they actually get excited to have coffee. It's that good. Occasionally we make lattes and iced coffees but mostly drink regular coffee. Besides being able to make a cup at a time, you can customize how much comes out. We have a small setting of 4oz, a regular of 6oz and a long of 8oz.

I love to linger over a mug of creamy sweet coffee (preferably while in my pajamas) so I usually make myself a double long, in a giant mug. Most days I'll have two of these. So yes, I'm drinking 32oz of coffee each morning but it's a half-caf so it's not as bad as it sounds. It doesn't look significant until you put it next to Reggie's cup. The joke around our house is when I say "But honey, I've only had two cups of coffee today". I only have three mugs that will hold this much at once, plus the cream and this green one is my favorite. It fits perfectly in my hands and reminds me of a mellow coffeehouse vibe.

 I know there are different schools of thought on whether caffeine, and coffee specifically, is good or bad for us. I'm a believer in doing what works for you as an individual. I truly enjoy coffee and it is part of my routine. I do most of my web surfing/FaceBooking/news reading during this time and even some of my writing. It gets my day off to a yummy, positive start plus it gets my brain working. I don't worry about housework or running or the rest of my day until I've finished at least one cup. That makes me think maybe I need to find a bigger mug!

Just Show Up

Back on day ten of this challenge, I was feeling stuck and having trouble writing a post. I wanted to write and had ideas but nothing was flowing. Yet somehow, I managed to write about being unable to write! When I shared my post on FaceBook, one of my friends responded by saying "At least you showed up", and she shared a link to a TED Talk by author Elizabeth Gilbert about creative genius. If you write, or do anything else creative, take the time to watch her talk, it's not long and it will make you feel much better about the days you struggle to create.

During this challenge, I have been reading a lot of other blogs and there seems to be a common debate on whether bloggers are writers. I wasn't aware that was an issue. It seems like a no brainer to me. We're writing our blog posts, aren't we? It reminds me of when I first started running and doing races (5Ks and 10Ks). People would say "Oh you're a runner?" and I would answer "Well, I run but I'm not a runner". In my head there was a big difference between me and "actual runners". I don't know why. I've done the same sort of thing with roller derby too. I was putting myself on a different level than everyone else just because I'm less experienced. I've been working on that a lot lately and I've noticed what a huge difference there is in my performance when I change my self talk.

Oddly, my opinion of myself is much different when it comes to writing. I am a writer. Maybe not a professional one (yet!) but I've always loved it and been good at it. I've taken many writing classes and been involved in writing programs. I've even written a few articles that have been published. If I don't write regularly I become a mess inside my head, all these thoughts and feelings rolling around. I've got to get them out! I've kept a journal since I was 16. I've written every day for years and now I post it, people read it and they like it!

Last week I was talking with a friend who has been reading my posts for this challenge. We were discussing the subject of that particular day's post and it was a great feeling. As I told her then, we probably wouldn't have been having that conversation if I didn't blog. A lot of the things I write about wouldn't come up in a normal conversation. I put my thoughts out there and people can take them or leave them. When someone approaches me and wants to talk about what I've written, that bonds us a little bit, I think. The fact that people read my blog is extremely flattering.  I know how hectic everyone's lives are and they're taking precious minutes from their day to read what I have to say. That's amazing. I've started carrying a notebook with me everywhere I go because I love all the odd little things that happen during the course of a regular day that most people don't notice. I like to write about those things with wit and a positive attitude. It helps remind me that we're all human and deal with the same issues. Knowing that other people relate to my feelings and experiences motivates me to keep going. I don't write just for myself. That's why I show up every day. Sometimes I create something I'm proud of and sometimes I'm stuck but I'm always there with my notebook giving it a shot.

Another Lesson Learned (or the same one again)

Last week I wrote about how easy it is to judge others, even when we don't mean to. I got a lot of feedback on that post and I was glad to see that the struggles I face are familiar to others. I definitely think this is a subject worth revisiting.  Zen Buddhism teaches me to be detached, not judge anyone, not take anything personally. I can certainly see myself progressing but it's much easier said than done, even when I'm aware. One thing I do know is that The Universe will continue presenting me with the same situation until I learn the lesson at hand. I'm getting much closer.

Earlier this week I put an ad on Craigslist to sell my old iPhone. I got a response within 30 minutes. We exchanged a few emails, the person (with a gender neutral name) asking if it was still available and then if I would go down on the price. I replied that I would be willing to take less if no one else was interested in the phone at my asking price. The response I got was this "Ohh. Cause I'm a poor high schooler with no job and it's tough getting 100$". My first thought was "Are you freaking kidding me?"  It's so easy for me to immediately project my values and experiences onto this teenager and his/her parents: When I was in high school I worked, it's summer so why isn't/he/she working, I never had anything as nice as an iPhone, etc. I didn't respond to the email right away because it wasn't necessary. Today I was able to write and explain that I'd sold the phone for my asking price. I believe that all people/things/situations come in to our lives for a reason, for either me or the other person to learn from. This wasn't a big deal but it was a nice little reminder and I wagged my finger at myself "There you go again..." I don't know anything about this kid or his/her family or their situation. The world surely is different than when I was in high school, almost twenty years ago.  I bet it's even tougher than it was back then, now that there's social media and cyber bullying. I've often said I can't imagine what school would have been like for me if FaceBook had existed. All the teasing and cliques are probably magnified many times over. The only thing I envy is that nowadays kids can do research online instead of lugging around those old encyclopedias!

One thing I've really enjoyed about this blogging challenge is that it has changed the ways I look at my day to day life. When something happens I think "How could I write about that?" I've taken to carrying a notebook with me at all times. I even tuck a tiny one in the waistband of my shorts when I walk the dog because I never know when inspiration will strike! I like that I can take a minor event, like the email exchange yesterday and share it with people to start a discussion. What would you think if you got that message? What do you assume about people?

My Accidental Garden

I picked my first bouquet of flowers from my garden today. It's not much but it's pretty and I'm proud of it. Gardening in Montana is especially difficult but these flowers manage to thrive without much of the backbreaking work that the vegetable garden requires so I'm particularly fond of them.

The sunflower was the first to bloom of the many growing in random spots throughout the garden. They're a result of me throwing the heads from last year into the garden with a shrug of "We'll till 'em in and see what happens". It's not terribly convenient to have them where they are, but they look cool!

Marigolds are one of my favorite flowers. They make me happy because they remind me of my childhood. Just the smell alone triggers memories. My mother always had marigolds growing in her flower beds. In fact, these particular ones came from a pack of seeds she sent me a couple years ago. I planted them and let them go to seed, not expecting much to happen in the spring due to our harsh Montana winters. They came back. Then last year I left them alone again and they came back in full force this year. I'll admit now that I made a mistake. There are literally thousands of marigolds growing in my side garden, around the lettuce, chard and peas that I planted in the same spot, not expecting the marigolds to go so crazy. I'm not exaggerating when I say the area has gotten out of control. Last weekend I finally decided I needed to address the situation because it had gotten so dense, between the veggies, flowers and weeds, that it was almost impossible to see what was what. I decided I would transplant a bunch to my front yard and give some away to friends. Once I have removed about thirty plants and a bunch of weeds, I stepped back and took a look, expecting to see a huge difference but I was disappointed. When my boyfriend came over to look, he could barely tell I had removed any plants at all. In a nice way, he called the marigolds invasive weeds and gave me the cold hard truth: I'm going to have to thin them out and throw them away. I looked at the crowded garden and nodded slowly "There's too many. I understand."I knelt down in the dirt and spent about a half hour pulling more weeds and some flowers. I know they're plants but they're so crowded and overgrown, it made me feel sad and guilty for allowing the situation to get to where it is.

It's been almost a week and I still haven't removed any more plants. I know I need to. I'll do it, I promise. I was just so pleased to see the flowers blooming when I went outside today that I picked them, brought them in and didn't go back out. I just hate the thought of having to discard so many plants that grow here easily when everything else fights so hard to survive. Hopefully the marigolds I transplanted will thrive in their new location and I won't have to face this awful task again!

Choose Wisely

Last night I skated in my first roller derby bout at our home venue. For most of my friends and family, this was their first chance to see me play. I had a busy week leading up to the event and a stressful day running around getting everything done so I could be in the locker room on time. The game was awesome. I had a ton of fun playing and enjoying the after party. I crashed into bed last night with a beer buzz, feeling exhausted and thrilled with the experience.

As I drank my coffee this morning (and stretched my sore muscles), I scrolled through photos from last night. Most of the ones on my camera were taken by my boyfriend's sister and there were a bunch on FaceBook already, posted by friends and teammates. As I took in all the images, I was struck by great feelings of love and gratitude for all these amazing people who are in my life. My teammates have supported me and cheered me on when I was feeling low and ready to quit. My boyfriend and his sister dressed up for the Kentucky Derby theme so they could sit in the front row. A friend I went to high school with is pregnant, yet she drove two hours each way to volunteer because we were short handed. Friends who I didn't expect to show were in line at the end, giving my whole team high fives. Even my life coach was there! To say that roller derby has changed my life is an understatement, so to see all these people come together to support me and celebrate was incredible. There was so much happening at once last night, that it wasn't until I was alone with my thoughts this morning that I realized how amazing it was.

One of the most important things I've learned as an adult is that I can choose who I allow into my life and who I don't. It took me until I was thirty to figure it out but once I did, my quality of life improved immensely. When I first moved to Montana I didn't know many people and I made one close friend. Long story short, in less than two years I figured out she wasn't a good person and I didn't really want her as a friend any more. I'll admit I probably didn't handle the situation in the best possible way, but I did what I thought was right at the time to make a clean break. I was lonely as hell for a while. Then, I reached out to some acquaintances I had always admired. Going forward, I made the choice to associate with people who I felt were well intentioned and would support me in my journey.

Sometimes a person turns out to be different than what I originally thought. Or a situation arises that stresses someone and they show their true self and it isn't pleasant. This has happened to me a few times over the years and I find myself at a crossroads: do I continue a relationship with someone or choose a life without them? It isn't ever easy but the older I get, the better I know myself and what I want from the people I share my life with. Now that I find myself with an extraordinary partner and friends who are funny, positive and supportive. Sometimes, like last night, I am amazed to see all of these people together having fun. It makes me feel good to know that I created this support system and contribute to it. In turn we are all providing for and supporting each other, enriching each others lives.

I Rescue The Unwanted

Last week I went to my local Salvation Army store on 50% off day. I came home feeling proud of the bargains I'd found and was eager to show off this lovely stack of books which I had purchased for a total of $4.13. My boyfriend and I both adore books so he darted over to look at the titles as soon as I took them out of the bag.   He pointed to the one on the bottom (Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert) and said "Oh you found a copy? Good. But I thought you already had it." I avoided his eyes as I sheepishly admitted that I did in fact buy a copy of the same book two months ago at Goodwill. "But" I explained "That was a paperback copy and this is a hardback. Plus this one was only 75 cents, and this way I can lend out a copy and I'll still have one." I'm not sure it made sense but he'd never ask me to justify buying a book that called out to me.

Committed is one of those books that felt as if it was written just for me at this time in my life. It's part memoir in regard to the author's marriages and part history of marriage and common customs. I borrowed an audio copy from the library last fall and listened to it while I drove. There were times I wanted to talk to Elizabeth Gilbert as she read. It felt like there was a friend in the car with me, telling me her story. She wrote about experiences and feelings she's had that are similar to my own. I'm glad I experienced the book in her own voice but there were many times I wished I could highlight a specific section and absorb the words from the page. I searched for a used copy for months until I finally found one.

This isn't the first book I've felt so strongly about. In fact, there's a David Sedaris paperback in the above pile that I already own on audio but it was 37 cents! I snatched it up immediately! I like being able to give or lend someone a copy of a book I think they would enjoy. After I read Lucky by Alice Sebold, I bought every used copy I came across and gave it to a woman in my life. If someone makes the effort to recommend a book to me, I usually put it on my list and read it as soon as I can get a copy. Even if I don't like it I appreciate the gesture, that someone thought of me.

When I go to yard sales I'll get on my knees next to a box of books to dig through. A person's book collection can say a lot about them. Last summer I came across a couple who, among the usual yard sale wares, were getting rid of a box full of books about shapeshifting and witchcraft. I've seen people selling their books on infertility, troubled marriages, death in the family or any number of illnesses and I think that's such a personal thing to sit out in your yard for a stranger to root through. But for the person who comes across those books and needs them, what a great find!

What Do You Do?

I'm currently unemployed and not looking for work, both by my own choice. This is the first time in my adult life that I've ever been in this position.  Lots of people say "That must be nice" and it is, but to be honest, it feels kinda weird. I'm trying to relax and enjoy it but that isn't really in my nature.

I got my first paying job when I was 15, at a dog kennel. I held that job through high school and into college, where I also held a work study job on campus. I worked around my classes and on weekends.  When I was 20,  I moved to North Carolina. I began looking for work immediately and had a job within two weeks. When I moved to Montana eight years later, I transferred with the company I was working for. In 2010, I lost that job and was unemployed for three months. It was an incredibly stressful time and I searched for work daily. I was offered a good job and although it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, I took it. I was at that job for over three years even though I knew after the first two weeks that it wasn't for me. There are lots of things that added up to me leaving my job when and how I did but when I finally did, there was a huge sense of relief that I wasn't expecting. It was incredibly difficult for me to come to the realization that I didn't like my job and wanted to leave the field of veterinary medicine.

My "plan" was to take some time to decompress and go from there. I've been out of work for six weeks now (but who's counting?) and I'm still in that first stage, which is frustrating at times. I keep thinking I should get a job but the truth is I don't really want to. Not yet at least. I do have an eventual goal, which is to pursue taxidermy. The thought of a new career is exciting to me but at this point, there's so much work to do between here and there that it's overwhelming and I just don't have the energy for it. I have faith that I will eventually, or that I will at least know when I'm ready to start the process. I've been thinking about working on my resume this week so that's a step in the right direction!

As I've gone about life in the last few weeks, I've met some new people and been asked "What to do you?" At first, I said I was unemployed and felt embarrassed. Sure, the implied question is what is your job, but just because I don't have a job doesn't mean I don't do anything. Our society ties who you are to what job you do and taking a break from it has been eye opening.  I've been working for over 20 years but I'm just not working right now. What  do I do? I play roller derby, I write, read, garden, run, care for my pets, do chores around the house. I do a lot of things, I just don't get paid for them. I'm not any less productive or less of a gift to my loved ones. It's funny that the person most in need of convincing of this has been me!