Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Crossing The Finish Line
I'm almost done! This is the last day of this Ultimate Blogging Challenge and I'm not going to lie, I'm relieved. Don't get me wrong, I've thoroughly enjoyed participating but I'm ready for a break. The hardest part for me was feeling pressure to produce something on days when I just wasn't in the mood. As much as I love writing, I can't turn it on and off at will. Some days I felt powerfully drawn to write and others it was just going through the motions to get something finished. I enjoy journaling every day but that's a whole different level. I rarely post anything that comes from my journal writings, or if I do it's after some heavy editing!
Despite the fact that I've produced 30 relatively positive blog posts this month, I've been struggling with some not so positive feelings. I'm still recovering from the loss of my sweet dog, from leaving my job in a field I worked in for almost 15 years, and I'm trying to figure out how to go about looking for work again. Honestly, I don't feel like it. I'm fortunate to have a partner who supports me taking as much time as I need to recover and figure out what I want to do but I worry I might not ever feel like it. Do I force myself to go through the motions of finding a job I don't really want? No, and I don't think I even could force myself. I struggle with feelings of guilt and inadequacy being the partner not working. In theory, I think I should be compensating by at least keeping the house super clean but I haven't felt like doing that either. In fact, I hate housework. All the guilt in the world probably couldn't inspire me to do a perfect job! Some days I have half of my To Do List checked off by noon, other days I'm not even out of my pajamas at that time. I'm honestly not sure what I'm expecting. Everybody's advice is different and I truly appreciate it. I think I'm still trying to figure out who I am now, after all these changes and I guess I can't really put a timeline on that.
This blogging challenge came at a perfect time for me. It has given me something to do each day, given me a reason to interact with people and a chance to share my stories, all of which have helped my healing process. And while I'll miss the routine of posting for the challenge each day, I'm looking forward to days without a deadline! I'm glad to have my brain in writing mode again and while I don't plan on posting daily, I have plenty of ideas to work with to post regularly. I'd like to again thank everyone who hosted the challenge for making it happen and for everyone who participated, either writing posts or simply being my audience!