M is for Marriage

I'm recently engaged, so marriage has been on my mind a lot lately.

Before I was engaged, I looked at other women's hands for rings. There have been many times I've been the only woman at the workshop, class, dinner party, without a ring. I'd wonder what that said about me that I noticed.

I wasn't looking out of jealousy. Maybe there was some longing, but it was mostly curiosity. Who is married and who isn't? Is that the only difference between us as women?

Now that I wear an engagement ring, I still look at other women's hands but in a different way. I think of all the love and planning that went into me having this ring and the sweet story that I have to tell about it. I wonder about the story behind each ring now.

When I got engaged, my best friend, who is a photographer and has worked with many brides, prepared me for the fact that everyone was going to have input about my wedding, and boy was she right! When I was picking out my wedding band, the gal behind the counter gave her opinion of my choices, warning me that I might feel differently once I'm wearing a wedding band.

The funny thing is, I have worn a wedding band before. I've done all of this before. I got married 13 years ago, and while I was a different version of myself back then, it was still me. I know what it feels like to wear that band constantly, to work in it, to get it snagged on things, to tug gloves over it.
My future husband has been married once before as well. Trust me, we know what didn't work for us the first go around!

While it's fun and exciting to be planning a wedding, it's also felt strange at times. I've been divorced for 10 years but a lot of memories and feelings have come swirling to the surface for me recently. I've experienced a whole world of personal growth, emotions and changes in those years. I've learned what I want and need in a partner but also what I don't. I know that what the wedding looks like doesn't reflect what the marriage is going to be like.

The life lesson I've learned about marriage is that it's different for everyone. The only thing that matters is that it's the same for the two people entering into it together. You would think that's a given, but it's not. It's something that should be discussed in great detail. Marriage is about more than loving each other. I didn't realize that the first time around.

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper, but that piece of paper is really important. You can live as a married couple without that piece of paper but it's still not exactly the same as when you have it.

For years after my divorce, I swore I'd never get married again, never ever. I'm glad I don't have to be held to that!

Image from she knows.com

Divorce Song by Liz Phair

This is one of the few songs that has played a big role in my life but I don't particularly enjoy listening to any more. In fact, I listened to it several times to write this piece and it makes me a little sweaty and nauseous. I was a Liz Phair fan before I stumbled onto this song although I can't remember exactly how I discovered it. I had recently separated from my husband and was confined to the house I was sharing with roommates due to a broken foot. I know when I first heard the lyrics I thought I was imagining them because they applied so perfectly to my feelings at the time. Since I couldn't drive because of my walking boot, my ex had to drive me to and from the appointments with our divorce attorney. You want to talk about an awkward car ride? We had a couple of those! When he dropped me off after one of the meetings, I made him come inside and listen to this song. "Can you believe this song exists?" I exclaimed. "It's like it was written just for me!" I don't think he appreciated it to quite the degree I did... 

There's a line near the end that goes "And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead. But if you're tired of of looking at my face I guess I already am".  It's strange to look at that now and know I felt it so absolutely back then but I did. I thought my life was over. I didn't know how I was going to go on without that man in my life. This song helped me through that. Look at Liz Phair, I thought, She made it through a divorce and she's a bad ass. I can do this! 

It took me a long time to recover but I did. It was one of the first experiences in my adult life that showed me I was capable of something I didn't think was possible. When I listen to this song now it brings back some of the feelings I had at the time and I can barely recognize myself as the same woman I was then. I don't know that I'll ever say I'm glad I got a divorce but I can say I'm grateful for all the things I learned from the experience. 

Save The Date

Today marks eleven years since I got married. I realize this may be a strange thing to acknowledge, considering I've been divorced for over eight years. This date also marks eight years exactly since I brought home my incredible dog Ritz, who passed away in May. My ex-husband and I had been separated for six months when Ritz came into my life. It was the first wedding anniversary since our split and I was not at a good place in my life. I've always known the timing was not a coincidence. That puppy was in desperate need for being rescued and so was I. And so, this date has always been bitter sweet for me. Not a year has gone by that I haven't thought of both events on this date, and the ways they have shaped me as a person. This is my first October without Ritz. Today I feel no bitterness, some sweetness and a great deal of sadness.

Last week I traveled to North Carolina for the first time since leaving there in 2007 (with Ritz in the passenger seat as my loyal co-pilot). The trip seemed like a great idea when we booked it in August. One of my boyfriend's relatives was getting married in a town a few hours away from the one I had last lived in, so it seemed foolish to travel all that way and not visit my friends who were nearby. What I hadn't anticipated was the amount of dread I felt in the week before the trip, when it occurred to me that I had left North Carolina at my personal rock bottom. The thought of returning and dealing with the memories, made me queasy. I'm a different person than I was when I left. "But aren't you proud of that?" my boyfriend asked when I shared my anxiety with him. "Don't you want to show off how much you've changed?" Sure I'm proud, (although I didn't feel a need to show off) but that didn't make the thought of facing my past any easier.

When I saw my closest friends last week, I gave each woman a lengthy embrace. I could practically visualize the time melting away, along with all my distress. It felt so good to be in the company of each of them. I'll admit I wasn't on the best of terms with them all when I moved away, something I feel a lot of sorrow about, but we had reconnected through FaceBook and I was genuinely glad to spend time with them.

As we traveled around North Carolina and visited with my friends, I was reminded of my past life there in a way I hadn't been in years. I thought of my ex-husband, of our failed marriage, of the beautiful house we had owned, of Ritz and the comfort he had brought me as I moved and left those things behind. I was hoping to return home with a sense that I had come full circle, that I had gone back to face my demons. But instead of feeling separate from the woman I was, I feel more connected to her. I see that even though I'm different in many ways, I'm still the same at my core. I still feel a strong connection to the people I knew there and the different places I lived. It's all a part of me. Looking at those words typed out, it sounds a bit cliche but I can't think of a better way to say it. I feel Ritz's absence a bit stronger today than I have in a while. I'm glad our anniversary came so close to my trip to where we moved from. It reminds me of how far I've come in the past eight years and how far I will probably go in the next eight.