Monday, August 18, 2014

Does It Matter What You Call It?

I knew I was going to leave roller derby the day I got injured. The moment I was injured, in fact. I recall quite clearly, stopping on the track (which is a no no), holding my hands to what I thought was my broken nose and having a feeling of finality wash over me, a voice that said "All done". I probably could have walked off the track at that exact moment and been satisfied. But that wouldn't be fair to my teammates or to myself. I  put over two years of my life into this sport, literal blood, sweat and tears. I can't just quit, right?  I've spent the last few weeks recovering and thinking about a potential future with derby, but I came to the conclusion that there isn't one for me.

Taken just seconds before the hit that caused my concussion


Friends have asked me how I made the decision but I didn't make a decision as much as it simply became clear to me. This is a time for transition for me. I've gotten a message from The Universe that I need to slow down and re-evaluate my priorities.

But just because the conclusion was clear cut for me didn't mean it was easy to follow through. I went to my life coach for guidance, "I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it". I wrote about it, meditated about it and talked about it with my loved ones. I packed away all my gear and derby clothes, just to see what it felt like.


I'm not quitting, I'm retiring. I keep telling myself that, but does it make a difference? I turned to my dictionary for clarification:
          Quit: to stop doing something, to give up, to resign from, to stop trying, to go away from
          Retire: to give up one's work, to remove from a position or office, to go where it is quieter, to retreat from battle

Well, all of those sound accurate to me! Why is there such a negative connotation with quitting? I battled in that sport for two years and now I'm done. Sure there are women who play for a lot longer but I've known many who played for a shorter amount of time. That doesn't make any of us wrong.

I'm four weeks out from my concussion and I'm still not back to my old self. I'm driving and working and (knock on wood) this past weekend was my first one in a month that didn't include me getting injured or terribly ill. I even worked out on the elliptical yesterday for 15 minutes straight! I'm definitely making progress. But my memory sucks and I have a headache at some point every day. Externally I look like I've healed but I still don't feel like myself. I feel slow and foggy which is the opposite of me at my best. It's frustrating and depressing. But when I push myself (like trying to paint the living room or help my sister in law move), I get sick and I backslide three steps.

The words of wisdom from my life coach were: surrender to what is. I like the sound of that-very Zen. But how do I actually do that? I'm still figuring it out. For now it means eliminating as many distractions and obligations as possible and the biggest one was roller derby. I can't commit to calling my mom every Monday or showing up someplace at a specific time. I'm trying to change my thinking from "This isn't me" to "This is me now". I'm trying to read, rest, watch movies and just be who I am right now. Hopefully I won't be this me forever and I think I'll appreciate that I was kind to myself during this phase.

I always have faith that everything will work out. Sometimes it's just tough getting through that middle part. But for now this middle part is all I've got.


Resting on the couch with my dogs


13 comments:

  1. Though I am sad to see you leave, I respect your decision. For the record, that bout was your best ever! I look forward to watching you conquer more life goals, as I'm sure you will..

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  2. You are such a beautiful, strong, and real woman! I am honored to have been a small part of your roller derby journey.

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  3. Woman. Please do not be hard on yourself. Truth be told, head trauma is what keeps me from trying a lot of new things. Roller Derby is one of those things.
    I've suffered several concussions as a child, and have been a passenger in several car accidents (one with a misdiagnosed concussion as a result.)
    I have suffered from migraines since I was 14. Some say migraines are hereditary--true. Mine are not. My neck and head cannot take any form of sudden impact.

    You're going to feel foggy/groggy for upwards of a year. That's not uncommon. So, be patient with yourself. Sadly, since we're older, it could take a bit longer.

    When I get blasted with a migraine, I'm "off" for several days after. My vision isn't quite right, I can't recall simple words, my memory is shot. Sometimes this reduces me to tears because on the outside I look fine, but internally, I'm scared.
    I've had brain scans done, MRI'S, x-rays, etc JUST to make sure I'm okay. I'd lie if I said I didn't worry about what (if anything) this means for my future.
    It IS frustrating.
    I TOTALLY understand how you're feeling. It SUCKS.

    Hard as it was, you made the right decision. You can still support your friends & be involved in their volunteer work (I'm sure.) Hell, you can focus on writing for them, for the sport.

    It's not "dead," it's just different.

    Take it easy. Baby steps. You'll get there.

    I'm proud of you for all of your hard work and dedication to your team, to the sport. I'm sure they are too. :)

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  4. Proud of you, Ramona. There will be a big hole on our team where you skated. I'm thankful to have gotten to know you through derby, look forward to keeping a relationship with you off-track. Chin up!

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  5. While I shall miss seeing you at derby, taking care of yourself is so much more important. And listening to yourself. Please give yourself a high five for not only hearing what your body was telling you, but being smart enough to pay attention =0)

    Serious note: head injuries are super crazy. My dad has had several (he keeps getting hit by cars, long story) and he's still struggling with them. The only "words of wisdom" to relay are just be patient with yourself, and know that your life coach is 5 bajillion percent awesome with their words of acceptance of what it is. If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask!

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  6. While I shall miss seeing you at derby, taking care of yourself is so much more important. And listening to yourself. Please give yourself a high five for not only hearing what your body was telling you, but being smart enough to pay attention =0)

    Serious note: head injuries are super crazy. My dad has had several (he keeps getting hit by cars, long story) and he's still struggling with them. The only "words of wisdom" to relay are just be patient with yourself, and know that your life coach is 5 bajillion percent awesome with their words of acceptance of what it is. You also get 5 bajillion awesome points for realizing it's not fair to yourself to compare how you are to how you were. No bueno.
    If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask!

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  7. Thank you so much, that means a lot! I am grateful to have gotten to know you through derby and I know that some of the relationships I developed will last a long time.

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  8. Thank you so much for sharing how you can relate. It is most frustrating trying to explain to people who don't understand concussions why I am still not well. As always Shelly, I appreciate that you are a fan of my writing and provide such thoughtful responses. Love you.

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  9. Thank you so much for your support and understanding.

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  10. Thank you girl. I agree that was some of the best derby I'd ever played so I feel comfortable with it going down as my last bout! I'm hoping to get a few of the photos printed as keepsakes. I am so grateful for your friendship!

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  11. Thank you for saying that. I appreciate your kind words. I am thankful to have gotten to know you through derby and have appreciated all your encouragement on and off skates. I hope our friendship continues!

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  12. Ditto to everything Shelly said. Head injuries are nothing to mess with. We actually call concussions "TBIs" now, or "Traumatic Brain Injuries." You can heal, but you definitely need to take it easy and give your brain a break. You wouldn't go dancing on a broken leg, would you?

    The other thing is: even if you're "quitting", why is that bad? At one point, you played with Barbies, and then you "quit." You probably don't even remember the last time you played with them because it wasn't a big deal. It was just a life transition, and you moved on. You're moving on from the role you previously played in roller derby, which is not to say you can't have a different role now. We can't stay in one place forever.

    When you started derby, I remember you said that you almost didn't start because you were worried about getting hurt, but then you decided to do it, because it will be a hell of a thing to remember as you get older. It was still awesome, and still something that you did. Transitioning out of it doesn't diminish the awesomeness. It just means the Universe has something different in store for you.

    You are where you are, and the more you try to resist where you are, the harder everything will be. Just be where you are and the rest will fall into place.

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