R is for Return

When I left my home in January, I didn't expect I would ever return. But then, we all know what I've learned about expectations this year!

My decision to return home was one made from a place of love and learning but it wasn't exactly easy. When I left, I was confident I wouldn't return and I couldn't help but think of how I would appear to others for coming back. And of course, I struggled with the question of why the heck did I leave in the first place?

I had been home for about a week when I received this beautiful image via text from a friend. My eyes filled with tears as I read the words. It was exactly what I needed at that moment.

I left because I had to. That's clear to me now. Things would not be exactly as they are now if I hadn't gone. Returning was exactly what I needed to do as well. Mr. Pratchett's words couldn't be more fitting for my situation. Sure I could have stayed but I would have spent the rest of my life wondering What if? 

So the lesson here is borrowed from that wise quote: Returning to where you started isn't the same as never having left.

Do you agree?

A Stranger In A Strange Town

Me in the bank vault at a Starbucks!

As I've traveled from town to town in the U.S. during the past several weeks, I've noticed a few things. While every community is a little different, they're all pretty much the same. There's an Applebee's, a Wal-Mart and a Home Depot. One morning I walked my dog outside my hotel, staring out at the vast Sam's Club parking lot and beyond to a strip mall behind a busy intersection, groggy before I had any coffee, and I actually forgot where I was for a moment! There were no distinguishing characteristics to remind me what city I was in. 

I'm sure people who live in these places would disagree with me. I know each town has its own history and appealing qualities. I found one Ohio suburb particularly charming after noticing an abundance of repurposed buildings. I browsed in a book store that used to be a church and visited two Starbucks that used to be banks, one of which still features a vault! I saw a liquor store that used to be a church and a Christian academy topped with a giant lighthouse, which I'm guessing was previously something sea food related! 

In each chain restaurant sits a familiar cast of characters, the hung over college kids having breakfast at IHOP, the elderly couple having a 4pm dinner at Bob Evans, blue collar men in grease stained Carharts having beers at the restaurant bar. People complain about the weather or politics, they cheer the local sports team playing on the flat screen TVs. 

For the most part people are friendly, if maybe a bit cautious. A waitress who asked to see my ID wanted to know what brought me from Montana to an O'Charley's in Ohio on a Tuesday night at 10pm in the snow. 

A couple weeks ago I went to a Columbus Blue Jackets hockey game, to root for the away team which is "my team", the Philadelphia Flyers. I felt a little guilty, wearing my bright orange and cheering against the home team but since I grew up outside of Philadelphia, I couldn't help it! When a group of Philly fans started a chant of "Let's go Flyers!" the twenty something guy seated in front of me (who gave me a nice view of his hairy butt crack each time he stood, despite the fact that he was wearing a belt) returned the cheer in the same tune with "You live in Ohio!" It struck me as interesting that he assumed all of the several thousand sports fans in the arena live nearby. I don't live in Ohio and I was there. I think it's interesting to see how some people aren't able to see much past their own personal bubble.

As I've aged, I've noticed that people's opinions are based on their own life experience. And if they don't have much of that, they tend to go with what they've seen or been told while growing up. That young guy at the hockey game probably couldn't yet imagine a life where he traveled to a different city to see his favorite team play. Just like the people who didn't support me going on this adventure probably haven't ever had the opportunity or desire to take bold action, to demand change in life, to shake things up. 

There are things I miss about home: my purple comforter, my sweet little Boston Terrier, home made food, having a daily routine. And there are things I certainly don't miss: house work, obligatory dinner parties, shoveling snow. It's nice to go to the hotel desk when I need more toilet paper, trash bags and even coffee. There's a part of me that could maintain this lifestyle indefinitely and another part that's just really tired. Not having a place to settle is fun and appealing. It's not as scary as I thought it might be. One of the most frustrating parts has simply been figuring out how to operate a new shower/faucet every few days! But I'm also constantly reminded that I don't have a home base right now which can sometimes leave a gal feeling a bit disconnected.

I've learned some incredible things about myself in the weeks since I left Montana, and about the people I love. I've learned who my real friends are and what parts of the country I'll choose to bypass in the future! I've realized how important adventure is to me, experiencing new places and things. I've seen my toughness and my weak spots. And although I already knew it, I've realized how important and amazing my dog, Charlie, is. He's made more friends on this adventure than I have! 

I know I still have a lot to learn about myself and about life. In the near future, I will face a lot more unknowns. They're intimidating. I don't know exactly where I'm going next. That's exhilarating and terrifying both at the same time, which is the evidence I need to know I need to push ahead. 

We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Blog Posts

Me at The Bean in Millennium Park in Chicago last week

One of the most frustrating, yet most beautiful things about being human is that the Earth keeps spinning when we're faced with a crisis and it feels like everything has screeched to a halt. Even if it's not a catastrophe, life altering change can make me want to hang a sign on my front door that says "This household is dealing with some serious shit, please come back another time" and hide under my bed until I've recovered. But life doesn't work that way. No matter what I'm dealing with, the world continues to move along; my work place is still busy, my mother still calls (and calls and calls), UPS still knocks to deliver a package. Summer before last, shortly after my dog died, the home owners association sent a letter stating people were complaining about the unsightliness of our lawn and I thought How in the hell can anyone care about the lawn at a time like this? But they did care, because everyone else's life went along as usual.

Fortunately, I have not been dealing with a catastrophic loss such as that recently, but life as I know it has changed and that's always scary, even when it's exciting. Over the past few years, The Universe has nudged me a couple times. It gave me opportunities for change and I turned it down, both times, instead choosing the safe, comfortable route. And so The Universe has brought a battering ram this time and it is speaking to me loud and clear.

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while. I apologize. I know it makes some of my friends nervous. This tends to happen to me when I have a lot going on in my personal life. If I'm dealing with a situation I can't publicly write about, I have a hard time "ignoring" it and writing about other stuff. I still write a ton, but I can't bring myself to post. Such is the life of a non-fiction writer, I suppose...

Details will be emerging shortly, I promise. I'm on an adventure and I'm documenting it every step of the way, and I'll share it when the time is right! In the mean time, know that I'm safe and writing A LOT, and prepare for lots of pictures of my dog, Charlie, as he accompanies me on my journey!

Me & Charlie, nap time at the hotel