Winter Doldrums

                      

I haven't seen the sun in four days. Four cloudy, gray, winter days. I feel groggy and unmotivated, never quite able to shake that foggy headed morning feeling. The last time it was sunny was in the middle of an exceptionally cold spell that lasted several days. Temperatures were in the single digits with night time lows well below zero, but still the sun was shining.That can make a big difference between winter feeling like a tolerable necessity rather than a constant state of gloom. Now we're up to a balmy thirty five degrees in the afternoon but still no sun! Even the dogs seem to grow weary of the long days indoors. They ask to go out, circle the icy patio and ask to come back in, where they lay on the doormat and peer into the yard as if they're watching for spring to arrive. It will be a long wait. Typically I'm not such a Debbie Downer when it comes to winter. Montana has a lot to offer during the snowy months (and there are many of them). Personally I find the mountains even more spectacular when they are snow covered. However when clouds settle in and disrupt the views for days at a time, it can be tough to remember why one chooses to live in such a place. I will remember why in February when I am skiing on a perfect blue bird day and my winter doldrums are long gone, or in June when I'm hiking in a field full of blooming wild flowers. So today I'll just stay inside with the dogs and take a nap.

Resolutions

            We’re now five days into the New Year and I’m happy to say I’ve been sticking to my resolutions with relative ease. I made three resolutions for 2013:

1)    Write daily

2)    Meditate regularly

3)    Be kind to myself

These are personal goals I’ve had for a while but have had trouble sticking with for one reason or another. I figured a brand new year was a perfect time to change my habits. I spent the last couple weeks of December thinking about my goals and ways to go about meeting them and I feel The Universe has given me some hints that I’m headed in the right direction.

On New Year’s Day, I was in the mall (working on #3) when I came across a video game for my Xbox Kinect called “Deepak Chopra’s LEELA: mind, body, spirit, play”. At first glance it seemed cheesy (a meditation game? How is that even a thing?) but it was cheap and I decided to give it a try. I’ve played it a little each day and so far it seems neat. I haven’t had a change to unlock all the features but it provides me with time and space to settle my mind and that’s what I needed most.

Later that same afternoon I was  browsing in a bookstore. I wasn’t even looking for a writing book when I saw A Writer’s Book of Days by Judy Reeves and knew I had stumbled across something big. I’ve been looking for something similar for a long time and had even bought a couple other writing books but hadn’t found one that felt like the right fit. The book is a writing coach of sorts, providing advice, information and suggestions on how to make writing a priority in your life. What I thought was so great is that it is designed to give a year’s worth of guidance with one chapter for each month, breaking the information down into catergories and most important to me, it gives daily writing prompts that already have me writing about things outside of my normal comfort zone.

My third resolution is the hardest. The first two are straight forward, physical actions but being kind to yourself? Most people probably think they already do that. I know I thought I was. About half way through 2012, I started seeing a life coach and so far this one of the biggest realizations I’ve had during our work together. It’s interesting because I consider myself a kind person. I’m thoughtful and compassionate when it comes to other people and to animals but it seems I’m also pretty good at beating myself up. I’m starting to see how much time I’ve wasted “shoulding myself”, as I like to call it. I should keep my house clear, I should work out more, weigh less, be better at roller skating. I can’t even imagine how much time I’ve spent dwelling on just those issues alone, then add in my worries about my job, relationships, finances, etc.  I’m never doing exactly what I think I should be and it’s exhausting- no wonder I’m so tired all the time! Becoming aware of this has been a huge breakthrough for me and becoming aware is a first step to initiating change but after spending thirty-some years in a specific pattern, it’s though to know where to start to be different.

So I guess maybe that’s the sum of all my resolutions for this year: to work on being different, changing my patterns. I’ve already started and noticing change is the biggest motivator for making more. Because it’s really a big process and I’m proud of the fact that I’m even doing it. 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Thankful

       




             This year I've participated in what seems to have become a social media tradition. For each day of November, I wrote a FaceBook status describing something I was thankful for that day. Some days the post was long and meaningful, being thankful to have a loving supportive partner or being on a sports team that has encouraged my personal growth. But some days were simpler, like being thankful for my new tires after a big snow or at the end of a long stressful day being thankful for my hot tub or new pajamas. I typically write my post each evening so that I can reflect on the day and write about what I had appreciated most. There have only been a couple of days when I struggled to find one good thing, but there was always something there. I've made sure to pick a new thing each day. It was uplifting to see that I could recognize the good there is in my life, even after a crappy day. I've also really enjoyed seeing others posting what they are thankful for. It's inspiring to see my friends finding joy in their lives and realizing how similar we are, even at our most different. My friends are thankful for a nice glass of wine, a good meal, their child getting over a cold. Yet what I've noticed just as much as those posts are the people who aren't participating and instead are posting their regular updates, complaining about having a cold or a sore back or being called in to work on a day off. It's funny that I always can think of a response like "Be thankful that you have a job to be called in to" but I rarely share my opinion because I know it likely won't be appreciated. I wish I could help those people see the silver lining but I know from my own past that no one can force you to see it until your ready, and some people never do.
         So in this season of gratitude, here are some photos of the things I am most thankful for this year: My partner, my dogs, my roller skates, the beautiful place where I live and amazing home cooked meals.

     

Just The Sheets

           One of my coworkers has recently moved here from the south. Talking with her has me remembering what it was like to make that transition, as I moved here from North Carolina five years ago. One of the things that took some getting used to was how much “stuff” you need. If you want to be active and do fun stuff outdoors, you need a lot of gear. I think it's especially true for women because nine months of cold weather is a long time to be stuck wearing just a single coat and hat! When this winter began to set in, I gave her a couple of my older coats and a pair of like new hiking shoes that hurt my toes. My new friend has been very appreciative of my hand me downs. I’ve gotten a lot of joy out of sharing now only my things but my experiences.

            Over the weekend I went into my storage closet to dig out some sheets to give her for her new guest bed. I had a full bed when I lived alone but got rid of it when I moved in with my boyfriend and we now only have queen mattresses. I’ve boxed up a lot of my things left over from my single days that I don’t have use for but haven’t wanted  to get rid of. Initially I was glad that I could pass on my nice comforter set but as I pulled it from its box, I remembered how much I like it and a dreadful thought came to me: What if Reggie and I split up and I have to live by myself again? I was flooded with the memories of living on my own after my divorce and how proud I was of myself as I bought myself new things and made a life on my own. I was overwhelmed by a sense of panic: I don’t want to go through all that again!, I don’t want to get rid of my things! I love my things! Panic!

            “I can’t decide what to do about my sheets”, I said to Reggie sheepishly as we folded laundry together later in the evening.  He looked puzzled. What didn’t I know? Either I give them away or I don't, right?  So I explained myself: I have X number of sheet sets, dust ruffles and comforters. We have no use for them right now and I want to help my friend by giving them to her “But what if I have to live along again someday?” I sniffled, “I’ll want to have my things.”

            No amount of comforting from my boyfriend could ever convince me that I’ll never be single again. No one knows for sure what’s going to happen. I understand that and I honestly think I’m okay with it, as much as one really can be with the ever looming sense of the unknown.

            It’s just amazing to me how much emotion can be entwined with the objects we hold dear. Sure it’s a bedding set that can be easily replaced. But what it represents to me is so much more. So much history and it makes me feel better  to know it’s tucked away. 

Welcome Back, Motivation

     It's obvious that I haven't updated this blog in quite a while. I feel the need to clarify that it hasn't been for lack of wanting on my part or even lack of ideas. In fact, I think about writing a lot, every day. It's the time to do it that I've been lacking lately. Or rather, the ability to prioritize my time so that I do some writing each day. I enjoy writing a great deal but I've always felt like conditions have to be perfect in order for me to be productive. I want to feel inspired then sit down at a nice clean work space and write a great piece start to finish. This is a fantasy, I realize that, but for some reason I haven't found a way to regularly work writing in to my routine that feels good to me.

     A few days ago I went to see my favorite author, David Sedaris, give a reading. His writing is what I aspire to. I've read all his books and listened to them on audio. I get my hands on anything that he writes and watch any interview he gives. I've had the tickets for months, held to the front of my refrigerator by a bright shiny magnet. I knew he'd be signing books at the event so my favorite paperback had been on the coffee table awaiting the big day. I'd been wracking my brain trying to come up with a whopping compliment to deliver. I sprang out of bed that morning like a kid at Christmas and all day long I chuckled to myself imagining all the witty banter I would exchange with my idol. I got to the venue early and shot straight to the signing line, scoffing internally at the comments I overheard from people who clearly don't know David Sedaris as well as I do and certainly haven't read all his books as many times as I have. Finally, my turn came and there I stood there in awe, not able to complete a single sentence. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm rarely ever at a loss for words, yet I nodded my head like a bobble head doll and could barely manage simple responses to his attempts to chat with me. He took some markers out of a ziplock bag and did a one of a kind drawing for me: the bleeding severed arm of a snowman. I took my book back and immediately clutched it to my chest as I sputtered out a thank you. I've met my favorite musician, plus plenty of others, comedians and even an Oscar nominated actress and managed to have conversations and not appear starstruck. This, however, was the first time I met someone famous who is doing something I want to do, who is living out my secret dream. There are so many things I'd love to ask or talk about yet I couldn't think of a single one.

     After the reading, the house lights came on and there was a Q & A session. Thankfully other people had the wherewithal to ask the questions I wish I had thought of. I leaned forward in my chair, trying to soak in as much of his knowledge as possible. He talked about how one of the stories he had read us was in its 19th draft and I nodded, thinking what an important fact that is for someone who expects to write something perfect in one sitting. "I get up every day and I write", he said "That's all I've got going for me." I've gone over that evening in my head over and over, trying to take in as much as I can from the experience and it's that line that has stuck with me the most. Get up every day and write. I can do that!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Silhouette

I'm not ashamed to say that my dog Ritz is not a normal dog. His guardian breed instincts, combined with the fact that he grew up in a house full of cats, often result in odd behaviors. This is a perfect example of how he will do pretty much anything he has to, to be able to see out a window. We refer to him as "the neighborhood watchman" when he is in this position. You can rest assured that no solicitors make it to our door undetected.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Big

I usually like to choose photos that are meaningful to me or have an interesting story. This one is neither but it's fun! This is a picture of me with a giant stuffed moose in Cost-Co last winter. At the time I had a co-worker who loves moose so I knew I had to share this find with her. I had my boyfriend take the photo, much to his embarrassment, in the middle of the store, and my co-worker said she squealed with delight at the sight of me with this big guy.