Good Grief

The news of Alan Rickman's death, announced a mere three days after David Bowie's, sent me reeling for the second time this week. Although I've never met either of these men, my life has been affected by both of them through their careers.

I was raised by music loving parents through the 70's and 80's. I don't recall a time in my life when I didn't know who David Bowie was. I can't pinpoint the first time I saw Labyrinth or heard Let's Dance, I've always known them. From the posts I've seen on Facebook, I know there are scores of us with vivid memories of The Goblin King from our childhoods!

Similarly, there's now a whole generation of people who have grown up with the Harry Potter world and Rickman's embodiment of Severus Snape.

Personally, my favorite of Alan Rickman's film roles is that of Harry in Love Actually. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, despite the fact that I'm not generally a RomCom type of gal. When I was starting out on my own after my divorce, I watched that movie so many times. I connected with each of the characters in some way, as I navigated through cycles of hope and grief. It's a beautiful story that shows all sides of love and loss, whether it be romantic or family or friendship. If you've never seen it, please watch it this weekend. If you've seen it before, watch it again this weekend. I know I will!

I received the news of the passing of both of these great men from Facebook posts. (Whether or not it's a healthy habit to have, I check my Facebook first thing in the morning while I'm still lying in bed.)

For all the negative press social media gets, and Facebook in particular, it cannot be denied that it is a place of unity, a place where we come together in times of crisis, or joy or outrage, to share our opinions and connect with like-minded souls.

I know people who say "So what? Celebrities are people just like the rest of us. No big deal." I both agree and disagree with this line of thinking. Yes, celebrities are people just like us, but they are a big deal and we are all a big deal. Maybe it's not on a global scale or Harry Potter level but we all affect each other every single day.

As I've scrolled through my social media accounts, and read posts from people who knew David Bowie and from fans who never met him, I was struck by these strong connections. Then I saw it again in regard to Alan Rickman. If you haven't already, you need to read this post Daniel Radcliffe wrote about working with Rickman. That's powerful stuff. I'm sure it brought Daniel comfort to be able to share those feelings with his fans.

Social media has changed the world in many ways. Some can be viewed as negative but the frivolous uses of it so often over shadow the positive, loving uses: connection, finding your tribe, sharing your thoughts with the world. Previous generations didn't have the opportunities that we do when it comes to this so I hope we are not wasting them.

Connect with someone you love today. Or better yet, more than one person. Tell your friends you love them. Then tell your favorite singer/actor/writer you love them as well! When we fill The Universe with those loving vibes, there's less room for the negative ones!

Get Ready For Gratitude

Tomorrow is the last day of October. That means a few things: Halloween, candy, Daylight Savings Time ends, and then it's November. 

Your Facebook news feed will first be flooded with photos of your friends and their children (and dogs) in Halloween costumes, and then with a month's worth of status updates about what people are thankful for. 

I enjoy participating each November, posting each day about what I'm grateful for. I've written about this before. More than once. 

Over the summer, I was in a class with a woman who announced that gratitude is over rated. It took every ounce of energy I had to stay seated and not climb up on my soap box to tell that woman about everything she's missing out on!

Fortunately for me, this blog is my personal soap box! Instituting a gratitude practice changed my life. I can't emphasize that enough. Life is difficult. Some days have me in tears. If at the end of these days, I'm not grateful for a glass of wine, my hot tub and a spouse who is present, then what are these things for?

I've heard complaints about people who post negative updates all year long but are suddenly thankful every day in November. So what? Good for them! The beauty of Facebook is that it's optional. You don't have to log-on or read someone's status updates or engage with anyone. The "Unfollow" option is the greatest feature ever added, use it! And while we're on the subject, I'd like to remind you: these people are supposedly your friends. If you're not glad to see what your friend is grateful for, then maybe that person isn't truly your friend. (I'm a big advocate of frequent re-evaluation of one's friend list.)

Even if those people annoy you, even if you think it's hokey, even if you think gratitude is over rated, I challenge you to do it anyway. You don't have to post to Facebook. Just sit down once each day in November and write down three things you are thankful for that day. If you can't find three, start with one. 

If you need some more convincing, try this book: The Joy of Appreciative Living, it's one of my favorites. The facts are impossible to ignore: people who list things they are thankful for each day are genuinely happier. 

Make this November about you and your gratitude! Then please tell me about it!

Crushing It

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm addicted to Candy Crush. Go ahead and laugh at me, I deserve it. But I know I'm not alone...

If you have a smart phone or a FaceBook account, you've probably heard of this game. If you've been able to avoid getting sucked in, I admire you. I discovered it when an ad for it popped up while I was playing Words With Friends. I hadn't heard of it before but I enjoy iPhone games and I love candy, (plus it was free!) so I downloaded it. I was immediately drawn in by the bright colors and carnival style music. The music got old real fast so I turned it off, but the game has kept me hooked.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining the game because a) You already play it b) You're going to start playing it as soon as you finish reading this post or c) You don't need to know so you can continue being blissfully unaware.

What I'd like to talk about is the way my life is affected by Candy Crush. I started playing a little over a year ago and my addiction is cyclical. What I mean by that is I play frantically until I get to a level I can't beat. Sometimes I'll try the same level over and over for weeks before I finally give up. I'll stop playing, always vowing never to start again. Once, I almost deleted the game! But then time will pass, a few weeks or even a month or two, and I forget how frustrated I was and I decide to give it a try again. Usually I'm able to go back to that baffling level and complete it on one of the first few tries. I have no idea why that happens. And then I'm hooked again.I  don't want to be hooked, but man when you're doing well and beating levels it's so fun! And you really do have to think smart, look ahead to plan your moves. I'm not trying to justify it, okay yes maybe I am but it's not totally mindless.

I've read all sorts of articles about why the game is "addictive" for so many people. I don't know if any of it's true. I heard one news story that reported the game makes $650,000 a day from people who pay for the various tricks and tools that are offered. I'd like to say I've never contributed to that number but I'd be lying. I'm sure this happens to the best of us: you're waiting in line some where killing the time by playing Candy Crush when you run out of lives. I'll admit I've paid to avoid waiting the 20 minutes for more lives. Waiting 20 minutes? That would be so boring.

I started playing again when I was sick in November, after not playing since the summer and I have noticed one major thing: my quality of life is much better when I'm not in the throes of playing Candy Crush. Sometimes I have to physically hand my phone over to my boyfriend and say "Don't let me
have this or I won't be able to get to sleep." It's true, if I look at my phone or laptop laptop for any reason in the 30-60min before I go to bed, I'll lie there restless and not able to get sleepy. There have even been nights when I've closed my eyes and I can still see those shiny candies sliding around. That's bad. Once I was standing in line at the post office playing and the lady behind me started giving me tips. My friends play it and their kids play it. Everyone gets hooked!

I didn't intend for this post to promote the game but to look at how my life can be affected by one little device. I've written before about the joys of iPhone ownership and I still stand behind that, as it can be a great tool, but it's interesting to me how often it straddles the line between helpful and destructive/distracting. One of the New Year's Resolutions I made is to be less connected to my phone. It's usually beside me at all times but for the past week I've left it in a different room when I'm going to watch TV or eat a meal with my boyfriend. It's difficult but gosh, it's been nice. I have a tendency to multitask when I watch TV, either to play on my phone or look at a magazine or crochet. This year I'm making an effort to be present in each activity I engage in. If I'm going to watch a movie, then I want to give it my full attention. So far I've only broken this once while watching football and I was a little disappointed in myself but I hardly ever watch network TV and man, there are so many commercials.

I probably won't delete Candy Crush any time soon but I'm taking a little break again. This time it wasn't forced by a difficult level but by my desire to be more present and engaged with the world around me and sadly I'm quite proud of myself!

Gratitude In Review

Yesterday was the final day of my Gratitude Project. I'm proud to report that I succeeded in posting a FaceBook status every day in November to list three things I was feeling thankful for. As a strong believer in the power of positive thinking, I jumped into the challenge looking to strengthen my own gratitude practice and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Initially I found the project easy and fun.  I posted my list each evening as I reflected on my day. I challenged myself to ignore negative things that had happened and find the silver lining when I encountered an undesirable situation. And then I got sick...

I am not one of those stoic people who can continue on when they're sick without disruption of daily life. I am not a pleasant sick person. I try to be, but I can never pull it off. Instead, I'm a weepy pouty sick person who shuffles around wearing a bathrobe all hours of the day, leaving a trail of damp snotty tissues. It's been more than two weeks since I first felt the inklings of what I thought was a head cold but turned out to be a sinus infection, which turned into bronchitis. For more than half the month, when I was supposed to be focusing on feeling good and thankful, I felt like crap and I was grumpy! At first I tried to power through. I truly tried. I had to leave a roller derby practice when I got nauseous after skating a few laps despite feeling dizzy. I went to a football watching party and a game night (in the same day) even though my ears crackled and felt like they might burst. I took NyQuil and DayQuil and rested for a few days, but I kept getting worse. After witnessing a violent coughing spell that forced up my breakfast, my usually mellow boyfriend approached me with a stern look on his face and convinced me it was time to go to the doctor. So I went. That was Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, the same day his parents and two siblings arrived at our house for the holiday.

Each day I managed to find three things I was grateful for but I'll admit there were a few days there that were rough. There were a few nights when I spent a long time staring at my bright white FaceBook page, logged on much later than usual, racking my brain to come up with positive things to list. I struggled to get through a couple days with company in my house, trying to not be a miserable bitch. On Thanksgiving Day I found my puppy chewing on a prescription medicine capsule belonging to one of our guests. I lost my cool and dropped a couple of f-bombs on my in-law family. I'm not proud of it and I tearfully apologized, but that's when I realized I was maxed out. After everyone left the next day, I put on yoga pants with a sweatshirt and parked myself on the couch, getting up only to eat turkey and cranberry sandwiches and pie. Yet I still made that post each and every day. I knew that even though it felt like everything had gone to crap, I really did have a lot to be thankful for, like having leftovers so I didn't have to cook and having people who love me even when I'm not at my best!

As I've mentioned before, there's been some negative feedback to the gratitude movement on FaceBook this month. Fortunately, the responses I've gotten personally have been nothing but positive. Just yesterday I received a message from an acquaintance that re-newed my faith in myself, that I had lost while feeling low. She agreed that I could share her note here:

"Hi, I know we never got to know each other much but I wanted to thank you for sharing your work and positive affirmation with your coach. I have struggled my whole life with negative thoughts and need to concentrate on happiness. If you have any advice I would appreciate your input on how to do it. I need to retrain my brain... Lol. Thank YOU for putting yourself out there."

Isn't that beautiful? I responded and let her know I thought it was. I took on this Gratitude Project hoping to inspire others and look, I did it! It made me stop and think about the past couple weeks in a different way. One of the things I work with most with my life coach is not being so hard on myself, especially when it comes to making mistakes. She taught me one of my favorite mantras "Nothing is good or bad, it just is." I've been beating myself up for pushing myself when I felt so sick, for not being able to keep my cool. There's nothing I can do about it now but forgive myself and learn from my experience. Looking at those words written down, it seems so much simpler than it is in my head!

I'm finally starting to feel like myself again, even though my bronchitis symptoms still linger. The house is back to normal after having guests, the dining room table takes up less space without the leaf and dogs have taken back their spots on the couch. The holiday didn't go perfectly but then again nothing ever really does. We just expect it to and then feel disappointed when it doesn't. I've learned a lot this month, about some of my FaceBook friends and about myself. Today marks the start of the final month of the year. It's a time I typically spend reflecting on the year that's past and planning for the one to come. But this year my goal is to stay in the present, to continue to look for things in each day to be grateful for.

Gratitude Project

For the past two years, I have posted FaceBook statuses throughout November to mention at least one thing I was thankful for that day. I'd seen other people do it and thought it was a lovely idea. Last year in particular, I received a lot of feedback from friends who enjoyed seeing my posts and some who were inspired to do the same. This year one of my friends, who is also a writer/blogger, took it one step further by inviting her friends and readers to join her in what she is calling a Gratitude Project. I love that name, by the way. She has challenged us all to post three positive things each day. She is posting to both her blog and her personal FaceBook page. It brought me joy to see her suggestion, to have a friend who obviously values a gratitude practice as much as I do so I've committed to join her by posting to my personal page as well.

Among my 400+ FaceBook friends, there is a mix of optimists and pessimists, along with a few fairly apathetic souls. Everyone seems to have a different view of what FaceBook is for and how it serves them. Sadly, I think I'm in the minority when I say that I find FaceBook to be useful and beneficial, although I will admit it can also be a huge time suck. I have quite a few friends on there who are a real part of my personal support system, even if they live far away and/or I haven't seen them in fifteen years. The older I get, the more I appreciate the people I know who grew up in the same area I did. We may be scattered all over the world and be different types of people, but we all started in the same place and I think that's a special thing to share. What I'm trying to say is I have lots of types of people as FaceBook friends so I'm curious to see who joins the Gratitude Project.

Since I won't be blogging every day this month, I thought I'd share a list of some of the things I am feeling most grateful for in my life right now:

         Having a supportive partner who "gets me"

         My dogs

         My life coach

         Books

         My above mentioned friends/support system.

         All the time I get to spend writing

         Good food

         Running

         That everyone I love is healthy

         The fact that I've recently been learning about my family history and tracing my ancestry

         Playing roller derby and having amazing women as teammates.
       

Of course there are many more things that make me happy but these are the ones that come to mind that have been making my life awesome lately.

To everyone reading this, I challenge you to take time this month (and every month!) to think about what you're truly grateful for and make a list. Even if you don't want to share it with anyone, write it down and look at it every once in a while. I've found this to be helpful on a crappy day when it feels like everything is going wrong. I can just flip through my notebook and see how much good stuff can be packed into a "bad" day: a nice bottle of wine, seeing a rainbow, catching every traffic light green. If you want to share your list, I encourage you to do so here or on my friend's blog or on your own FaceBook page. I promise you that people will notice your positive way of looking at things and they will appreciate it!
       

You Know What They Say...

      Over the past few days, one of my childhood friends passed away and another one gave birth to a baby girl. I've found myself thinking in cliches, inserting "life is short" into conversations. I've had that Byrd's song stuck in my head "To everything (Turn! Turn! Turn!), There is a season (Turn! Turn! Turn!)".  I've been pondering my existence, asking myself what have I done with my life? Or not done? Or have to show for my 34 years on this planet? It's left me exhausted and grasping to right my world again.
       One thing that has been undeniably clear to me these days is how thankful I am for FaceBook. That's probably not what one would expect to hear as a response to my contemplation of The Universe. Both of the amazing women I mentioned were classmates of mine from elementary through high school. I'd lost touch with them both but about five years ago, we found each other through FaceBook and I consider them "real" friends. They both have been loving and supportive as I've faced challenges and successes in recent years. For the past week, I'd been checking FaceBook non-stop, waiting for news of the baby's birth and instead, first received the news of a different nature. I'll admit it's a strange beast, FaceBook, but I don't think people give it enough credit. I know my life is different and fuller thanks to all the people I've reconnected with that never would have crossed my path again.
         As I pounded through my run today, I looked around and thought,I have it pretty darn good. The things that were a big deal on Saturday suddenly weren't a big deal anymore compared with the sad news I received on Sunday. I don't know the answers to the great questions of life. I do know most of the cliches are true. Life is what you make it. What have I done with my life? I don't really know how to answer that, but I've been reminded that every day truly is a gift.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Thankful

       




             This year I've participated in what seems to have become a social media tradition. For each day of November, I wrote a FaceBook status describing something I was thankful for that day. Some days the post was long and meaningful, being thankful to have a loving supportive partner or being on a sports team that has encouraged my personal growth. But some days were simpler, like being thankful for my new tires after a big snow or at the end of a long stressful day being thankful for my hot tub or new pajamas. I typically write my post each evening so that I can reflect on the day and write about what I had appreciated most. There have only been a couple of days when I struggled to find one good thing, but there was always something there. I've made sure to pick a new thing each day. It was uplifting to see that I could recognize the good there is in my life, even after a crappy day. I've also really enjoyed seeing others posting what they are thankful for. It's inspiring to see my friends finding joy in their lives and realizing how similar we are, even at our most different. My friends are thankful for a nice glass of wine, a good meal, their child getting over a cold. Yet what I've noticed just as much as those posts are the people who aren't participating and instead are posting their regular updates, complaining about having a cold or a sore back or being called in to work on a day off. It's funny that I always can think of a response like "Be thankful that you have a job to be called in to" but I rarely share my opinion because I know it likely won't be appreciated. I wish I could help those people see the silver lining but I know from my own past that no one can force you to see it until your ready, and some people never do.
         So in this season of gratitude, here are some photos of the things I am most thankful for this year: My partner, my dogs, my roller skates, the beautiful place where I live and amazing home cooked meals.