My Trifecta

I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm aware I may not be using the word trifecta properly here. In the midst of my writing, it occurred to me that I'd better check on the word's actual definition so I had to do a little research. I came up with mixed results; some sources say it's strictly a betting term but others say it's appropriate for a winning trio, which is what I feel this post is about, so I decided to stick with it!

A couple of years ago I was going through a particularly rough patch at my job at the time. I felt out of place and unwanted, as if I had to suppress my true self when I was there. I dreaded going into the office each morning, sometimes I cried on my way there. I usually listen to music when I'm driving and in a situation like this, I'll often choose Dave Matthews Band songs to cheer me up. Their music always reminds me of happier moments and that whatever I'm dealing with isn't permanent. After a while I realized that I had three particular songs I'd listen to on my drive to work each morning, always in the same order: Two Step, #41 and Lie in Our Graves. I started to think back to other trying times in my life, and noticed that these songs have always been part of my go to play list when I need to feel better or psyche myself up. Music has always been therapeutic for me. A specific song played at just the right moment can influence me in a huge way. I have many custom made play lists in my iTunes library: songs for when I'm sad and want to cheer up, songs for when I'm sad and need to wallow in it, songs for when I'm happy, excited or pissed off. There's music for running, cleaning, driving, relaxing. You name the scenario and I can probably give you a list of at least ten songs that would be fitting! All of those playlists contain at least one song by Dave Matthews Band, some contain several. The music of DMB has been a huge portion of the soundtrack to my life. Any time I'm in public, especially if I'm nervous about the situation at hand, and I hear a DMB song come on, I take it as a sign that everything is going to be okay!

It was around that time that I started referring to those songs as "My Trifecta". They're three of my favorite songs by the band, off of my favorite album. They contain some of my favorite of Dave's lyrics as well. From Two Step "Celebrate we will, because life is short but sweet for certain", from Lie In Our Graves "Would you not like to be, sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free?" and "I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well". They're also some of my favorite songs to see the band perform live. All DMB remind me of the concerts I've been to and how joyful those experiences are. They're also each tied to certain people from my life; an ex-boyfriend, a former roommate, a friend from college who I'm still close to. These three songs together encourage me and calm me at the same time. I've made a tiny playlist that only contains these songs and sometimes I listen to it on repeat, over and over.

When it came time to choose my number for roller derby, it was a no brainer: I'm #41. Not many people get it, and I don't mind. It's just another way that I've been able to root myself to the music and people who have been so present in my life.

I got the idea for this post because I've been working on writing about the songs that have influenced me post in my life, for an A to Z blogging challenge this spring. Most of the songs on my list are ones I consider favorites but some of them are ones I don't listen to very often but were significant to me at a particular phase of my life. Music has been a comfort, a cheerleader, a constant companion to me over the years. I don't know who I'd be without it, without these songs I cherish so much. My mother and father are both passionate about music as well so I'm grateful to them for passing it on to me!  

Enough

So here we are two weeks into the new year. What have you been up to?

I haven't worked a single day in 2014. Not since before Christmas, actually. I'm not thrilled about that but the funny thing is,  I'm not stressing out about it. My temp agency assures me that this is a slow time of year and that I'll have plenty options for work soon. Sure, I'd like to be making some money but I have faith that things will turn around and that I'm being given this time at home for a reason. I'm trying to take advantage of this opportunity by doing things I don't always have time for when I'm working regularly, like cleaning out closets, writing as much as I can, reading and sleeping in.

I know this time would be a bit tougher on me if I wasn't currently participating in The Year of Enough this month. Each week day I get an email that contains a link to an audio interview with a self help "guru" and a challenge for the day, like meditating for three minutes or writing a letter to myself. All the interviews focus on the fact that we are all enough and have enough, just as we are. These interviews apply the concept to every aspect of life, from finances to career to diet, etc. What I've loved about the interviews is that so far the speakers all have had one thing in common: At some point, each one was struggling in life and had an "awakening" (or whatever you want to call it) when they said "Okay, something needs to change here" and they made it happen. I've done that! And no matter what the subject or how it's presented, the core message is consistent: you have to take care of yourself and make decisions that are true to yourself. I think that sounds a lot easier than it is in real life, but it means making sure you eat right, get enough sleep, exercise and have a support system. Even though I already "know" those things, it has done me an immeasurable amount of good to hear it over and over again each day. I usually listen to the interview in the evening, while drinking a cup of tea, as a part of decompressing from my day. As I listen, I take notes. I'm such a nerd. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken out loud, responding to the speaker! The Year of Enough also includes access to a special FaceBook group for participants. Each day, there's discussion of the interview or posts from folks who simply have something they want to share or get feedback on. It's been a great to see people from all walks of life who can say to each other "I've been there and here's what worked for me".  It's renewed my faith in humanity, to see all these people connecting and supporting each other. It's been a huge boost for me to know that all these people are out there, sharing the world with me!

In other January news, I'm proud to report that I've stuck to my New Year's Resolutions so far! The first two weeks of 2014 have been pretty calm and positive for me. I haven't had any fast food or soda and I've survived my return to a new roller derby season. I have everything I need. I bet you do too! But we don't always believe that do we? I can't figure out why that is. I know two weeks isn't very much time and I might be getting ahead of myself by thinking I can maintain this attitude all year long. Or maybe not!

Crushing It

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm addicted to Candy Crush. Go ahead and laugh at me, I deserve it. But I know I'm not alone...

If you have a smart phone or a FaceBook account, you've probably heard of this game. If you've been able to avoid getting sucked in, I admire you. I discovered it when an ad for it popped up while I was playing Words With Friends. I hadn't heard of it before but I enjoy iPhone games and I love candy, (plus it was free!) so I downloaded it. I was immediately drawn in by the bright colors and carnival style music. The music got old real fast so I turned it off, but the game has kept me hooked.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time explaining the game because a) You already play it b) You're going to start playing it as soon as you finish reading this post or c) You don't need to know so you can continue being blissfully unaware.

What I'd like to talk about is the way my life is affected by Candy Crush. I started playing a little over a year ago and my addiction is cyclical. What I mean by that is I play frantically until I get to a level I can't beat. Sometimes I'll try the same level over and over for weeks before I finally give up. I'll stop playing, always vowing never to start again. Once, I almost deleted the game! But then time will pass, a few weeks or even a month or two, and I forget how frustrated I was and I decide to give it a try again. Usually I'm able to go back to that baffling level and complete it on one of the first few tries. I have no idea why that happens. And then I'm hooked again.I  don't want to be hooked, but man when you're doing well and beating levels it's so fun! And you really do have to think smart, look ahead to plan your moves. I'm not trying to justify it, okay yes maybe I am but it's not totally mindless.

I've read all sorts of articles about why the game is "addictive" for so many people. I don't know if any of it's true. I heard one news story that reported the game makes $650,000 a day from people who pay for the various tricks and tools that are offered. I'd like to say I've never contributed to that number but I'd be lying. I'm sure this happens to the best of us: you're waiting in line some where killing the time by playing Candy Crush when you run out of lives. I'll admit I've paid to avoid waiting the 20 minutes for more lives. Waiting 20 minutes? That would be so boring.

I started playing again when I was sick in November, after not playing since the summer and I have noticed one major thing: my quality of life is much better when I'm not in the throes of playing Candy Crush. Sometimes I have to physically hand my phone over to my boyfriend and say "Don't let me
have this or I won't be able to get to sleep." It's true, if I look at my phone or laptop laptop for any reason in the 30-60min before I go to bed, I'll lie there restless and not able to get sleepy. There have even been nights when I've closed my eyes and I can still see those shiny candies sliding around. That's bad. Once I was standing in line at the post office playing and the lady behind me started giving me tips. My friends play it and their kids play it. Everyone gets hooked!

I didn't intend for this post to promote the game but to look at how my life can be affected by one little device. I've written before about the joys of iPhone ownership and I still stand behind that, as it can be a great tool, but it's interesting to me how often it straddles the line between helpful and destructive/distracting. One of the New Year's Resolutions I made is to be less connected to my phone. It's usually beside me at all times but for the past week I've left it in a different room when I'm going to watch TV or eat a meal with my boyfriend. It's difficult but gosh, it's been nice. I have a tendency to multitask when I watch TV, either to play on my phone or look at a magazine or crochet. This year I'm making an effort to be present in each activity I engage in. If I'm going to watch a movie, then I want to give it my full attention. So far I've only broken this once while watching football and I was a little disappointed in myself but I hardly ever watch network TV and man, there are so many commercials.

I probably won't delete Candy Crush any time soon but I'm taking a little break again. This time it wasn't forced by a difficult level but by my desire to be more present and engaged with the world around me and sadly I'm quite proud of myself!

I Feel Better Already

This week, I've realized that January is my favorite month of the year. It has nothing to do with winter. While I do enjoy some things about winter, it's not my favorite season. The reason I like this month best is because it is so calm. No major holidays, no reason for travel, no deadlines. Yesterday I mailed a package at the post office and I was the only customer in sight. I went to the grocery store and didn't bump into another shopper or cart the entire time I was there! None of the items I wanted were out of stock and I didn't have to wait in line to check out! My mail is being delivered around noon again, instead of 3-4pm. My world feels wonderfully mellow.

The ramp up to the holiday season is gradual, starting just before Thanksgiving, so that by the time Christmas arrives everyone is whipped into a frenzy and they don't even realize it. Yes, I know that Christmas falls on December 25th every year but for some reason the 15th rolls around and I'm always saying "Holy crap, how is is the middle of December already?! I have so much to do!!" I enjoyed my Christmas holiday and time with my family but I was quite glad to get back home at the end of the week.

January just feels good, doesn't it? A brand new year! It's always exciting. There's all that possibility ahead of us. It's much easier for me to make a resolution and stick to it at the start of a new year. I could say "Okay, I'm not eating any more fast food" in the middle of July but the next time I got to craving a McDonald's cheeseburger I'd be able to talk myself out of it, "Oh, I had one last week so I'll have one more today and then I'll stop eating it". I'm just not good at holding myself accountable. But when I set a deadline for myself as in "No more ________ in the new year", it's a lot easier. I don't know why, but it is. I've made a couple resolutions for 2014 but mostly I just have a list of goals for the year. Things that aren't quite as concrete as my previous example. I'm looking forward to changing my habits, becoming healthier and stronger and loving myself.

One of my personal traditions is to eat pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day. It's one I picked up growing up in Pennsylvania Dutch country and it's supposed to bring good luck for the coming year. As I was mashing potatoes to go with dinner on Wednesday, I was acutely overcome with a sense of gratitude: It's officially a new year and here I am in a lovely house with an amazing partner who indulges my superstition and eats this meal with me. It occurred to me that 2013 is the last year I had with my sweet dog Ritz and now it's over and I cried a little over the pot of potatoes. He was important to me and I don't want him to be forgotten. I actually felt guilty for being glad that year is over. But isn't that one of the greatest gifts a new year gives us? A chance to move forward with an official starting line? So I wiped me tears on my sleeve and ate my delicious meal. One of my goals is to worry less about the past and future, and to experience the present moment to the fullest. Here was a perfect opportunity on the very first day of the year!

I know that the start of 2014 isn't an automatic end to my troubles. The things that happened in 2013 haven't unhappened. I'm sure that a year from now I'll be relieved to have another new year ahead of me. But for now I'm going to enjoy these calm, quiet January days because I know they won't last forever! My roller derby team's hiatus ends next week so I'll be busy, but that's another opportunity to put my resolutions and goals into action. I resolve to not eat fast food or drink soda. I will not make assumptions or take things personally. I will avoid processed foods and gossip. I will not panic or use my iphone while engaged in conversation with others.

I wish all of you a happy 2014 and success with any resolutions or goals you have. Please feel free to share them with me, either here or privately. I would love to strengthen my support system (and yours)!

We Made It!

As I sit here in my pajamas drinking coffee on the last morning of 2013, I am overwhelmed with a sense of relief because this year is over. Seriously, I'm giddy about it! I opened my eyes this morning and let out a huge exhale of "Whew, I made it".  Not that I ever had any legitimate doubts that I would physically survive to see 2014, it just felt that way sometimes. While I spent a few months this summer under a heavy blanket of sadness, I knew in a far off part of my brain that things would improve. I knew it as a fact, but my heart and soul were too burdened to believe it for a while.

When looking at the past year in review, it's easy to think of the negative things, the sad things, the hurdles. But for each of those things there's at least two positive things, happy things, times when I was lifted up. I find myself thinking of 2013 as a "bad" year because I lost my sweet canine companion but that event was a catalyst for so many amazing changes in my life.  Over the past few days I've been working on a short list of things I've learned this year to post as a FaceBook status today. Here's what I came up with:
           1. If you hate your job you should quit it.
           2. Dogs are truly amazing.
           3. I am no longer a "city person".
           4. I am loved.
           5. Everything is going to be okay.
Looking at that list makes me feel happy and full. There are a couple things on there that I thought I knew before but hadn't actually experienced in my heart. I'm glad I took time to make the list because it's a great reminder of how much I've grown and loved throughout this year.

Another thing I've done over the past few days is read the book The Four Agreements. It's been on my "To Read List" for close to two years. I even own a copy I picked up at a yard sale but for some reason I'd always skipped over it. Right after Thanksgiving my life coach sent me a link to an article she had come across after our most recent session, saying the topic reminded her of me and our discussions. The article referenced The Four Agreements so I said "Okay Universe, I get it. It's time to read this book." Reading it right before the new year was perfect timing. The four agreements are: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do your best. These are concepts I work on constantly in my life. It's a tough cycle to break: You make an assumption about another person then you take that personally and that affects your actions and that personal makes assumptions about you and one and on. It's toxic behavior but it's what we do naturally. This book spoke clearly to me. There were a couple times when I'd be reading along and then my jaw would drop open because I was shocked by a line that seemed to be written specifically for me. I know this book will be an important tool in the work I have yet to do when it comes to accepting and loving myself. I highly recommend it.

Along those same lines is one more awesome thing that's crossed my path in the last few days. One of my derby sisters shared a link on FaceBook for The Year of Enough. The title sparked my interest so I followed the link and was practically in tears by the time the video was over. One of my personal mantras that I've developed with the help of my life coach is "I am enough." I scanned the contents of the webpage, thinking over and over "This is for me! This is for me!". It's a network of people who have come together to share positive messages that each person is enough, just as they are. I immediately signed up to participate. If you have a second, follow the link and check it out. Sign up for you feel so inspired and please let me know if you do. It's such an amazing concept, isn't it? That we are enough just as we are. I have my moments of feeling confident but I don't know if I even go a whole day at a time feeling totally sure that I'm enough. I'm not good enough at roller derby, at writing, at cleaning the house, at keeping in touch with my friends. The list can go one and on. I'm too short, I've gotten too heavy, I'm too anxious, too lazy. I can beat myself up over anything. But just like the tiny part of my brain that knew I was going to be okay when I was depressed this summer, there's a tiny part that tries to call out "Look at you go! You're such a bad ass! You're beautiful and tough and funny and kind." I know it's there, I just have to tune in better. So here's to 2014! This will be the year I realize that I am enough, that everyone I love is enough, that my life is enough. It's a great life. A full, fun, life that I've worked hard for. It's time for me to enjoy it!

I'm so grateful that all these things came together to create a perfect storm of inspiration for me. I have a wonderful support system of people (and pets) who have helped me get this far in life. I'm excited to ring in the new year with some of them tonight and start off from a place of love and celebration. Happy New Year to you!

It's Better To Give And Receive

I know the saying goes "It's better to give than to receive" but after the Christmas holiday I experienced this week, I'm not entirely convinced it's true. Now I'm not coming from a selfish place here, I'm just saying I can't see how one can be better than the other because they're so tightly entwined, especially at Christmas time.

I enjoy giving presents. I truly do. I love it when I come across something, maybe at a yard sale or thrift store, that I know would be appreciated by someone I know. To give an unexpected gift, no matter how small, is always fun. Birthdays are my favorite holiday because it's a chance for each person to be acknowledged for how awesome they are separate from anything else. As the Christmas season approached this year, my biggest stressor was the fact that our household income was not near what it was the past few years so we simply couldn't afford the type of Christmas we've had previously. I had myself convinced that Christmas was going to be horrible because I couldn't afford fancy gifts and I might not be able to reciprocate to everyone who gave me something.

I'm not exactly sure when things changed for me, but gradually my mindset shifted. I'm sure it has a lot to do with having an incredibly patient and supportive partner who reminds me on a regular basis that everything is going to be okay! In our families, tradition is you make a list of what you want and people buy your gifts from it. You might get something small that wasn't on the list and you probably won't get everything that was on it but for the most part, you get what you ask for. When it came time to make a list this year, I found that the things I wanted were much different than previous years. Last year I had an iPad on my list and the year before that a Kindle. This year I asked for the specific mechanical pencils and notebooks I write with, for lavender lotion and bath salts, for a thesaurus, a book light, a travel mug. When I was working full time, these are things that I would go out and buy whenever I needed them but they aren't necessities. When I unwrapped these items I was thrilled, even though I suspected I'd be getting them. I'd been using the same brand of lavender lotion on my face every night at bedtime for over two years but I ran out a few months ago and didn't buy more because it's over $10 a bottle and I don't really need it. When I received not one but two bottles of it, it was even better than I had imagined! "Yahoo! This is going to last forever!", I exclaimed. My boyfriend's brother, who has his own soap making business, gave me homemade lavender and peppermint soaps in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors. After I'd piled it all into a box, I looked at it and happily thought "I'm not going to have to buy soap for years". To take away a burden of having to buy something or to know I'm not going to run out of items I like to have, those things are truly gifts. I know that a year ago I would have appreciated receiving these items, but not in the same way that I have now.

The same thing went for giving. I like to think I'm a thoughtful gift giver no matter what, but I had to put extra thought into purchasing this year. Would this person rather have one pricey gift or two smaller ones? Instead of going online and ordering everything at once, I'd buy one or two things then wait til I got another temp job and buy a couple more. For two of my family members, I enlarged and framed a special photo. The cost was minimal but the recipients were surprised and touched by the gesture. I spent an entire day baking with a friend and gave out plates and bags of homemade treats to friends I'd normally want to treat with a bottle of wine or a gift card to a favorite shop. Several of the friends had seen my FaceBook photos from the baking day and were thrilled that they were getting some of the goodies.

Some of the people I gave stuff to reciprocated but not all of them. Likewise a couple friends gave me a gift and I didn't have something in return. Although there was an initial pang of "Oh crap, I don't have anything for her!", I was able to silence it quickly. A gal in my online book club sent me a gift certificate to Amazon. She expressed her gratitude for being included in the club and having people to share and discuss books with. I sat back and received that thanks. I used it to buy a book on my Kindle that we've chosen as our January selection. I probably wouldn't have wanted to spend the money on it otherwise because I have so many books in my house that I still need to read! One of my closest friends took one of my photos from FaceBook and made a beautiful ornament that honors my dog who passed away this year. I have another friend who works for one of my favorite home town sports teams. He sent me some high quality warm weather gear emblazoned with the team logo because he knew I was in need of a new jacket. I know it took a lot of effort on his part to prepare and send a package right before Christmas. A couple of my family members even bought presents for my dogs. Honestly, my mind was blown by the thoughtfulness of my loved ones on more than one occasion this season. Looking back though I shouldn't have been surprised. I have worked hard to surround myself with kind, loving humans. They all know I've had a rough year and that I'm short on funds and they don't care.

So what was better, giving gifts to these amazing people or receiving gifts from them? I honestly can't say. I know it sounds cheesy, but just knowing these people, being around them and being loved by them, is a huge gift in itself. I care about plenty of people who I didn't exchange gifts with or even mail a greeting card to. That doesn't mean they're less significant to me. People complain about the commercialization of our holidays and I agree to a certain extent. I think there is definitely a general assumed link between the size or cost of the gift you give and the feelings you have for the recipient. I don't buy into that philosophy. My boyfriend didn't buy me expensive jewelry for Christmas. He bought me a thesaurus because he knows how important my writing is to me and a new skate tool because he knows how much I love roller derby and want to take care of my gear. Anybody can buy an expensive gift without putting much thought into it. It's a true friend who will buy an adult themed coloring book because she knows you'll think it's hilarious and color all the pages!

Tis The Season...

When the holiday season rolled around this year, I remember thinking "Nope. No way. Not interested. No Christmas for me this year please." If you read this blog regularly, you'll know that 2013 has not been a stellar year in our household. There have been a few drastic changes since last winter. In fact, this is my first holiday season without my beloved dog Ritz. To say I wasn't looking forward to it is an understatement. I haven't worked full time since May so I wouldn't have nearly the same amount of funds to spend on presents as I have previously. My brain could come up with all sorts of reasons that Christmas would be awful. However despite my best efforts at ignoring it December arrived anyway, in all it's bright cheerful glory.

Typically at this time of year I'm gritting my teeth to get through my To Do list one item at a time, until it's January and things go back to normal. As I've mentioned before, I'm not a "Christmas person". I'm an only child from a small family and while I certainly recall that Christmas was fun as a kid, it's never been a huge fancy deal for me. I said that to someone recently and she replied "Are you a Christmas hater?!" Woah, I definitely wouldn't go that far! I like the idea of Christmas time, just not the actuality of it. I like all the special food, exchanging gifts and hanging colored lights on the house. What I don't like is the frantic feeling that comes with all the obligatory shopping, gift giving and socializing. There's always a lot to do in a short amount of time!

Each year my boyfriend and I trek into the mountains on our snow shoes and cut down a tree to bring home and decorate. While I have never loved the idea of a live tree in my living room, it's one of the traditions we are making as our own. I was fully prepared to make the trip again this year as a part of my own process of moving forward without Ritz. We couldn't go last weekend due to dangerous sub zero temperatures and this week my other half is battling the illness I had a couple weeks ago. I could feel how heavy his heart was when he admitted to me that we probably wouldn't be able to go get a tree this year. While I was secretly dancing a jig inside, I never like to see someone I love be sad so I thought of a compromise and went searching for the small fake tree I knew was tucked away someplace in our house. It was high on a shelf in a closet where it's sat in its dusty box since before Reggie & I were even dating. I put it up this weekend and hung our smallest ornaments on it's flexible plastic branches. It's definitely not the same as a big live tree but it still feels Christmasy.

Last year's tree

This year's tree

Unexpectedly, putting up that little tree started a chain reaction of holiday spirit in me. Once I got it decorated I was even inspired to hang some lights around the living room window and put a wreath on the front door. On Sunday I spent the entire day with a friend, baking and cooking like maniacs until we had her kitchen  covered with cooling racks and colored frosting! After I put together plates of goodies for some friends, I decided to dig out greeting cards to attach to the plates. As I was filling out the cards I started thinking of other people in my life who deserve a card and a note of thanks. Handing out those cards and treats this week has been pretty powerful for such a small gesture. Everyone appreciates knowing they are thought of and most people I know like cookies too! For me, finding a way to show my gratitude that was within my means was incredibly important and left me feeling more comfortable and hopeful about my current circumstances.

Going through tough times this year made me acutely aware of the people and circumstances in my life that are positive. While part of my heart is still sad and grieving for Ritz, the rest of it is full of joy and love for the sweet puppy I have for his first Christmas with us. My loved ones rallied around me when I was low and celebrated with me when I reached new milestones. My mom also lost a wonderful dog this summer and has a new puppy. I'm looking forward to visiting her more than I have in as long as I can remember. Introducing our pups will be fun!

My two dogs with Santa this year

So, during the times I catch myself thinking "I can't wait until this year is over", I stop and take a deep breath. Even though my life is different than it was a year ago, it's simpler. The people who are in my life now are there because I have actively chosen to maintain those relationships. I might not be working full time but when I do go to work at a temp job, I'm happy to be there. I don't have any co-workers to bicker with or a staff party to arrange that no one actually wants to attend. I'm not going to visit my family because I feel obligated to but because I want to spend time with them and give the few special gifts I've bought. Instead of feeling like Christmas is about obligation, today I feel like it's more about opportunity. Because my life has changed so much this year, I'm quite aware that by this time next year it could all be altered again. It makes me hug my friends and listen patiently to my mom repeat a story. I still wouldn't call myself a "Christmas person" but who knows if that might change by next year!