I Feel Better Already

This week, I've realized that January is my favorite month of the year. It has nothing to do with winter. While I do enjoy some things about winter, it's not my favorite season. The reason I like this month best is because it is so calm. No major holidays, no reason for travel, no deadlines. Yesterday I mailed a package at the post office and I was the only customer in sight. I went to the grocery store and didn't bump into another shopper or cart the entire time I was there! None of the items I wanted were out of stock and I didn't have to wait in line to check out! My mail is being delivered around noon again, instead of 3-4pm. My world feels wonderfully mellow.

The ramp up to the holiday season is gradual, starting just before Thanksgiving, so that by the time Christmas arrives everyone is whipped into a frenzy and they don't even realize it. Yes, I know that Christmas falls on December 25th every year but for some reason the 15th rolls around and I'm always saying "Holy crap, how is is the middle of December already?! I have so much to do!!" I enjoyed my Christmas holiday and time with my family but I was quite glad to get back home at the end of the week.

January just feels good, doesn't it? A brand new year! It's always exciting. There's all that possibility ahead of us. It's much easier for me to make a resolution and stick to it at the start of a new year. I could say "Okay, I'm not eating any more fast food" in the middle of July but the next time I got to craving a McDonald's cheeseburger I'd be able to talk myself out of it, "Oh, I had one last week so I'll have one more today and then I'll stop eating it". I'm just not good at holding myself accountable. But when I set a deadline for myself as in "No more ________ in the new year", it's a lot easier. I don't know why, but it is. I've made a couple resolutions for 2014 but mostly I just have a list of goals for the year. Things that aren't quite as concrete as my previous example. I'm looking forward to changing my habits, becoming healthier and stronger and loving myself.

One of my personal traditions is to eat pork and sauerkraut on New Year's Day. It's one I picked up growing up in Pennsylvania Dutch country and it's supposed to bring good luck for the coming year. As I was mashing potatoes to go with dinner on Wednesday, I was acutely overcome with a sense of gratitude: It's officially a new year and here I am in a lovely house with an amazing partner who indulges my superstition and eats this meal with me. It occurred to me that 2013 is the last year I had with my sweet dog Ritz and now it's over and I cried a little over the pot of potatoes. He was important to me and I don't want him to be forgotten. I actually felt guilty for being glad that year is over. But isn't that one of the greatest gifts a new year gives us? A chance to move forward with an official starting line? So I wiped me tears on my sleeve and ate my delicious meal. One of my goals is to worry less about the past and future, and to experience the present moment to the fullest. Here was a perfect opportunity on the very first day of the year!

I know that the start of 2014 isn't an automatic end to my troubles. The things that happened in 2013 haven't unhappened. I'm sure that a year from now I'll be relieved to have another new year ahead of me. But for now I'm going to enjoy these calm, quiet January days because I know they won't last forever! My roller derby team's hiatus ends next week so I'll be busy, but that's another opportunity to put my resolutions and goals into action. I resolve to not eat fast food or drink soda. I will not make assumptions or take things personally. I will avoid processed foods and gossip. I will not panic or use my iphone while engaged in conversation with others.

I wish all of you a happy 2014 and success with any resolutions or goals you have. Please feel free to share them with me, either here or privately. I would love to strengthen my support system (and yours)!

We Made It!

As I sit here in my pajamas drinking coffee on the last morning of 2013, I am overwhelmed with a sense of relief because this year is over. Seriously, I'm giddy about it! I opened my eyes this morning and let out a huge exhale of "Whew, I made it".  Not that I ever had any legitimate doubts that I would physically survive to see 2014, it just felt that way sometimes. While I spent a few months this summer under a heavy blanket of sadness, I knew in a far off part of my brain that things would improve. I knew it as a fact, but my heart and soul were too burdened to believe it for a while.

When looking at the past year in review, it's easy to think of the negative things, the sad things, the hurdles. But for each of those things there's at least two positive things, happy things, times when I was lifted up. I find myself thinking of 2013 as a "bad" year because I lost my sweet canine companion but that event was a catalyst for so many amazing changes in my life.  Over the past few days I've been working on a short list of things I've learned this year to post as a FaceBook status today. Here's what I came up with:
           1. If you hate your job you should quit it.
           2. Dogs are truly amazing.
           3. I am no longer a "city person".
           4. I am loved.
           5. Everything is going to be okay.
Looking at that list makes me feel happy and full. There are a couple things on there that I thought I knew before but hadn't actually experienced in my heart. I'm glad I took time to make the list because it's a great reminder of how much I've grown and loved throughout this year.

Another thing I've done over the past few days is read the book The Four Agreements. It's been on my "To Read List" for close to two years. I even own a copy I picked up at a yard sale but for some reason I'd always skipped over it. Right after Thanksgiving my life coach sent me a link to an article she had come across after our most recent session, saying the topic reminded her of me and our discussions. The article referenced The Four Agreements so I said "Okay Universe, I get it. It's time to read this book." Reading it right before the new year was perfect timing. The four agreements are: be impeccable with your word, don't take anything personally, don't make assumptions and always do your best. These are concepts I work on constantly in my life. It's a tough cycle to break: You make an assumption about another person then you take that personally and that affects your actions and that personal makes assumptions about you and one and on. It's toxic behavior but it's what we do naturally. This book spoke clearly to me. There were a couple times when I'd be reading along and then my jaw would drop open because I was shocked by a line that seemed to be written specifically for me. I know this book will be an important tool in the work I have yet to do when it comes to accepting and loving myself. I highly recommend it.

Along those same lines is one more awesome thing that's crossed my path in the last few days. One of my derby sisters shared a link on FaceBook for The Year of Enough. The title sparked my interest so I followed the link and was practically in tears by the time the video was over. One of my personal mantras that I've developed with the help of my life coach is "I am enough." I scanned the contents of the webpage, thinking over and over "This is for me! This is for me!". It's a network of people who have come together to share positive messages that each person is enough, just as they are. I immediately signed up to participate. If you have a second, follow the link and check it out. Sign up for you feel so inspired and please let me know if you do. It's such an amazing concept, isn't it? That we are enough just as we are. I have my moments of feeling confident but I don't know if I even go a whole day at a time feeling totally sure that I'm enough. I'm not good enough at roller derby, at writing, at cleaning the house, at keeping in touch with my friends. The list can go one and on. I'm too short, I've gotten too heavy, I'm too anxious, too lazy. I can beat myself up over anything. But just like the tiny part of my brain that knew I was going to be okay when I was depressed this summer, there's a tiny part that tries to call out "Look at you go! You're such a bad ass! You're beautiful and tough and funny and kind." I know it's there, I just have to tune in better. So here's to 2014! This will be the year I realize that I am enough, that everyone I love is enough, that my life is enough. It's a great life. A full, fun, life that I've worked hard for. It's time for me to enjoy it!

I'm so grateful that all these things came together to create a perfect storm of inspiration for me. I have a wonderful support system of people (and pets) who have helped me get this far in life. I'm excited to ring in the new year with some of them tonight and start off from a place of love and celebration. Happy New Year to you!