Feeling All The Feels Is Hard Work

I went to a church service yesterday to see my husband sing. During the prayer at the end of her sermon, the Pastor referred to four victims of two separate tragic crimes which occurred in our town last week. I was tearing up as we said Amen. My husband's solo was immediately afterward and then the congregation sang Amazing Grace. Talk about a triple whammy. I couldn’t stop crying.

I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t look at anyone. All I could do was cry. And feel. All the feelings at once: proud of my husband, grateful for him and our marriage, love for his family who was there, and for my family that is far away, grief for the crime victims, grief for losses in our family, for friends fighting cancer. Each feeling was connected to the next until they became one giant pulsing emotion.

After the service, my husband received several compliments on his solo. “You brought your wife to tears,” commented one white haired lady with a smile. My sweet husband smiled and rubbed my arm. He knew the truth.

I don’t know the victims of the homicides in our town. That doesn’t make the violence any less senseless, the losses any less tragic and horrific. I think of their grieving families and my heart breaks.

 

At home, my husband came downstairs after changing out of his suit to find me lying on the couch weeping again. He came over to comfort me but didn’t speak. “You know what’s weird?” I sniffed, “Right now, I’m crying because I’m so grateful that everyone I love is alive.” 

He sat with me for a while, then left to make us some tea. I got down on the floor with my dog Charlie. He’s a very emotionally intelligent creature. (I have a friend who refers to him as a Buddha.) I curled up beside him and he touched his nose to the top of my head and we stayed this way for a while. I called to my husband to come and take this photo because this was real. This is what it looks like to be a sensitive, emotional human being who gets overwhelmed by feeling and thinking and loving. Sometimes I just can’t move. 

My husband is a sensitive empathic soul as well. He says “It’s a blessing and a curse.” I don’t necessarily think it’s ever a curse but it isn’t always easy or fun. 

Friends who read my blog and Facebook posts often compliment me on my positivity and gratitude practice. I appreciate that people notice. That’s the upside. I usually don’t discuss the flipside, but I feel called to talk about it today.  

As one of my favorite writers/self-help Gurus, Glenn Doyle Melton says, “Life is hard—not because we’re doing it wrong, just because it’s hard.”

When we live fully, when we love fully, when we appreciate life as much as we can, life is difficult. That shit hurts. When we drift through our days without looking around or being passionate about things, it can be easier. I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve thrown up my head back and wailed “Why do I have to care so much?" knowing that if I cared less, I'd hurt less.

The thing is if I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t be me. If I didn’t check cardboard boxes along the road to make sure there aren’t kitten inside, if I didn’t weep when I read the last Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book, then I also wouldn’t connect with the performers I work with or be in tune with my pets’ health. It’s all the same muscle. Is it my brain or my heart or my soul? Or a combination of the three? I have no idea but it’s real. 

I know I'm not the only soul like myself out there. We're trained from a young age to be ashamed of our emotional selves and hide them. So what do you do when the feelings get to be too much?

Good Grief

The news of Alan Rickman's death, announced a mere three days after David Bowie's, sent me reeling for the second time this week. Although I've never met either of these men, my life has been affected by both of them through their careers.

I was raised by music loving parents through the 70's and 80's. I don't recall a time in my life when I didn't know who David Bowie was. I can't pinpoint the first time I saw Labyrinth or heard Let's Dance, I've always known them. From the posts I've seen on Facebook, I know there are scores of us with vivid memories of The Goblin King from our childhoods!

Similarly, there's now a whole generation of people who have grown up with the Harry Potter world and Rickman's embodiment of Severus Snape.

Personally, my favorite of Alan Rickman's film roles is that of Harry in Love Actually. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, despite the fact that I'm not generally a RomCom type of gal. When I was starting out on my own after my divorce, I watched that movie so many times. I connected with each of the characters in some way, as I navigated through cycles of hope and grief. It's a beautiful story that shows all sides of love and loss, whether it be romantic or family or friendship. If you've never seen it, please watch it this weekend. If you've seen it before, watch it again this weekend. I know I will!

I received the news of the passing of both of these great men from Facebook posts. (Whether or not it's a healthy habit to have, I check my Facebook first thing in the morning while I'm still lying in bed.)

For all the negative press social media gets, and Facebook in particular, it cannot be denied that it is a place of unity, a place where we come together in times of crisis, or joy or outrage, to share our opinions and connect with like-minded souls.

I know people who say "So what? Celebrities are people just like the rest of us. No big deal." I both agree and disagree with this line of thinking. Yes, celebrities are people just like us, but they are a big deal and we are all a big deal. Maybe it's not on a global scale or Harry Potter level but we all affect each other every single day.

As I've scrolled through my social media accounts, and read posts from people who knew David Bowie and from fans who never met him, I was struck by these strong connections. Then I saw it again in regard to Alan Rickman. If you haven't already, you need to read this post Daniel Radcliffe wrote about working with Rickman. That's powerful stuff. I'm sure it brought Daniel comfort to be able to share those feelings with his fans.

Social media has changed the world in many ways. Some can be viewed as negative but the frivolous uses of it so often over shadow the positive, loving uses: connection, finding your tribe, sharing your thoughts with the world. Previous generations didn't have the opportunities that we do when it comes to this so I hope we are not wasting them.

Connect with someone you love today. Or better yet, more than one person. Tell your friends you love them. Then tell your favorite singer/actor/writer you love them as well! When we fill The Universe with those loving vibes, there's less room for the negative ones!

Y is for Yelling

I grew up in a yelling household. I mean, how do you expect people to understand you're angry if you aren't screaming at them?! I've realized that my default mode became to raise my voice when I got upset.

As I got older, I had a couple teachers and then bosses/co-workers who would yell. After a brief phase of being intimidated by the individual, I wouldn't take him/her seriously anymore. It's kinda like the boy who cried wolf, if someone yells at me every time

I will admit I have been guilty of the behaviors mentioned above. I went through a phase of being the "bad guy" in a work place and I know it wasn't fun for anyone involved, including me.

Over the past few years, I've really chilled out. I attribute this to my time playing roller derby and having a great life coach! I've learned techniques for dealing with situations that used to make me upset. More importantly, I've learned how to avoid many of those situations in the first place!

Even though I don't resort to yelling when I'm dealing with conflict, it still is my automatic response when I stub my toe or my dogs aren't listening! (It doesn't help either of those situations, by the way!) Where it does help, I've noticed is when I'm frustrated or anxious and need to let of some steam. A loud shriek of an exhale can do wonders for releasing some pent up energy!

So my life lesson here is: don't yell at other people. (Unless you really have to, like the building is on fire or something!) It won't make you feel any better in the long run, it certainly won't make the other person feel good, and it's not going to solve your problem. If you get to your yelly place, stop and take a deep breath and think about what you're about to say. I bet you'll be glad you did!