Good Grief

The news of Alan Rickman's death, announced a mere three days after David Bowie's, sent me reeling for the second time this week. Although I've never met either of these men, my life has been affected by both of them through their careers.

I was raised by music loving parents through the 70's and 80's. I don't recall a time in my life when I didn't know who David Bowie was. I can't pinpoint the first time I saw Labyrinth or heard Let's Dance, I've always known them. From the posts I've seen on Facebook, I know there are scores of us with vivid memories of The Goblin King from our childhoods!

Similarly, there's now a whole generation of people who have grown up with the Harry Potter world and Rickman's embodiment of Severus Snape.

Personally, my favorite of Alan Rickman's film roles is that of Harry in Love Actually. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, despite the fact that I'm not generally a RomCom type of gal. When I was starting out on my own after my divorce, I watched that movie so many times. I connected with each of the characters in some way, as I navigated through cycles of hope and grief. It's a beautiful story that shows all sides of love and loss, whether it be romantic or family or friendship. If you've never seen it, please watch it this weekend. If you've seen it before, watch it again this weekend. I know I will!

I received the news of the passing of both of these great men from Facebook posts. (Whether or not it's a healthy habit to have, I check my Facebook first thing in the morning while I'm still lying in bed.)

For all the negative press social media gets, and Facebook in particular, it cannot be denied that it is a place of unity, a place where we come together in times of crisis, or joy or outrage, to share our opinions and connect with like-minded souls.

I know people who say "So what? Celebrities are people just like the rest of us. No big deal." I both agree and disagree with this line of thinking. Yes, celebrities are people just like us, but they are a big deal and we are all a big deal. Maybe it's not on a global scale or Harry Potter level but we all affect each other every single day.

As I've scrolled through my social media accounts, and read posts from people who knew David Bowie and from fans who never met him, I was struck by these strong connections. Then I saw it again in regard to Alan Rickman. If you haven't already, you need to read this post Daniel Radcliffe wrote about working with Rickman. That's powerful stuff. I'm sure it brought Daniel comfort to be able to share those feelings with his fans.

Social media has changed the world in many ways. Some can be viewed as negative but the frivolous uses of it so often over shadow the positive, loving uses: connection, finding your tribe, sharing your thoughts with the world. Previous generations didn't have the opportunities that we do when it comes to this so I hope we are not wasting them.

Connect with someone you love today. Or better yet, more than one person. Tell your friends you love them. Then tell your favorite singer/actor/writer you love them as well! When we fill The Universe with those loving vibes, there's less room for the negative ones!

One Trip Around The Sun

This past Saturday marked the one year anniversary of the day I lost my sweet dog Ritz. The month of May had been plodding along under a gray cloud as the date drew nearer. I kept thinking One year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen. One year ago today he was with me and things were fine. 

A few months back, when I realized I would have a roller derby bout on May 24th, my first reaction was that I didn't want to play on that day. I thought I'd be too sad, too distracted, too whatever to be able to focus and enjoy myself. As the event got closer, though, I realized there wasn't anything else that would be better for me than playing that day.

May 22nd was the date that Ritz was suddenly ill and had emergency surgery. On that date this year, I was incredibly sad. And the next day. And then next morning, when I woke up on the 24th knowing that a year ago my life changed so drastically, I knew I needed to do something to acknowledge what I was feeling so I could move forward into my busy day. FaceBook can be a strange beast sometimes but I like to use it to put things out into The Universe for myself. I wrote this brief post and added this photo of him:
                  One year ago today I lost my best buddy. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him. His passing was a catalyst for some very big, necessary changes in my life and I believe that was his final gift to me. Today, I am truly grateful to have a roller derby bout to turn my focus and energy to. The number of people who are going to watch me play and support me makes my heart sing. I could not have made it through this year without the love from my friends, family and teammates. This is a beautiful day!

Sharing that released the majority of my sadness. I knew my friends would acknowledge what I was feeling and send me loving vibes! This first year without Ritz (after almost eight years with him) was difficult but it was a transformative time for me. I lost my companion, I left my job and I learned that I am capable of much more than I had been giving myself credit for. I had experiences and met people that I would have missed out on had I stayed at that old work place, feeling my soul be crushed every moment I was there. I look back on it now and I truly can't believe I tolerated it as long as I did. 

Next, I took my dogs for a nice long walk and listened to Dave Matthews Band, to find my center. Then I went to play some roller derby! My journey with this sport is its own story, which I'll tell some other day. For now I'll just say that to be playing in a home bout took a huge amount of hard work and perseverance on my part, both physical and emotional. Joining my team has been one of the best things I've done for myself and definitely the most challenging. I play with an incredible group of women and together we work extremely hard to put the events together. To stand on that floor with them, all painted up in my uniform, and seeing my friends and family in the cheering crowd fills my heart with so much joy and pride. I have friends that traveled over 90 miles to watch me play. One of the clients from my previous job was there along with my new boss and co-workers, people I'd met through my temp jobs and my life coaching. Having all these people who love and support me, who want to come watch me play a sport that I love and train hard for is overwhelming. I couldn't have made it through this last year without this support system and it's an awesome feeling to know I created this for myself by making decisions that serve me well. 

One year is a long time, yet it isn't. I can't say I'm less sad about Ritz than I was prior to this anniversary but it is different now. My life coach says there's something to be said for making one trip around the sun when it comes to grief. I think it takes all those little "firsts" to come together and bring some closure, to make the loss less surreal. It's almost as if I've finally proved to myself that I can survive without Ritz, because there was certainly a point in my life a few years ago where I wondered if I could. Right now I'm look forward to this coming summer, to enjoying it with my puppy who is nearing his first birthday. I refer to last summer as The Summer of Sadness and one of my dear friends gracefully pointed out that perhaps we all need a season of sadness occasionally to be able to appreciate the ones that are joyful. I think she's right.

Choose Wisely

Last night I skated in my first roller derby bout at our home venue. For most of my friends and family, this was their first chance to see me play. I had a busy week leading up to the event and a stressful day running around getting everything done so I could be in the locker room on time. The game was awesome. I had a ton of fun playing and enjoying the after party. I crashed into bed last night with a beer buzz, feeling exhausted and thrilled with the experience.

As I drank my coffee this morning (and stretched my sore muscles), I scrolled through photos from last night. Most of the ones on my camera were taken by my boyfriend's sister and there were a bunch on FaceBook already, posted by friends and teammates. As I took in all the images, I was struck by great feelings of love and gratitude for all these amazing people who are in my life. My teammates have supported me and cheered me on when I was feeling low and ready to quit. My boyfriend and his sister dressed up for the Kentucky Derby theme so they could sit in the front row. A friend I went to high school with is pregnant, yet she drove two hours each way to volunteer because we were short handed. Friends who I didn't expect to show were in line at the end, giving my whole team high fives. Even my life coach was there! To say that roller derby has changed my life is an understatement, so to see all these people come together to support me and celebrate was incredible. There was so much happening at once last night, that it wasn't until I was alone with my thoughts this morning that I realized how amazing it was.

One of the most important things I've learned as an adult is that I can choose who I allow into my life and who I don't. It took me until I was thirty to figure it out but once I did, my quality of life improved immensely. When I first moved to Montana I didn't know many people and I made one close friend. Long story short, in less than two years I figured out she wasn't a good person and I didn't really want her as a friend any more. I'll admit I probably didn't handle the situation in the best possible way, but I did what I thought was right at the time to make a clean break. I was lonely as hell for a while. Then, I reached out to some acquaintances I had always admired. Going forward, I made the choice to associate with people who I felt were well intentioned and would support me in my journey.

Sometimes a person turns out to be different than what I originally thought. Or a situation arises that stresses someone and they show their true self and it isn't pleasant. This has happened to me a few times over the years and I find myself at a crossroads: do I continue a relationship with someone or choose a life without them? It isn't ever easy but the older I get, the better I know myself and what I want from the people I share my life with. Now that I find myself with an extraordinary partner and friends who are funny, positive and supportive. Sometimes, like last night, I am amazed to see all of these people together having fun. It makes me feel good to know that I created this support system and contribute to it. In turn we are all providing for and supporting each other, enriching each others lives.