Life After Derby

A pin given to me in a birthday card last year.

This month marks one year since I retired from roller derby after suffering a head injury during a game. At this time last summer, I was still in the early stage of my recovery, wondering if I'd ever feel like myself again.

The answer to that question still isn't clear. Are any of us ever really "the same" after anything as we were before?

At my birthday party last August, I couldn't drink more than one beer and was devastated to discover I had to turn off the background music because all the sounds hurt my head too much.

As I prepare to celebrate my next birthday this week, I've been doing a bit of reflecting on my 36th year. (I'm a pretty reflective gal, if you haven't figured that out yet!)

I've realized that the past year has been about recovery and discovery for me. Recovering from my injury and all that entailed, physically as well as emotionally. And discovering who I am and what I want and need in life. I've tried a lot of new things and learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever imagined possible.

It's been a year since I played derby and I still miss it a great deal. When I got injured, I wondered who I'd be once I wasn't a "derby girl" any more. I've realized that a part of me will always be one. Even though I don't play anymore, I know that I'm capable of it and that's a powerful feeling.

Roller derby eliminated the shell I wore that separated the real me from the me I showed to the world. When you get knocked on your ass in front of a thousand people while wearing hot pants and fishnets, it's kinda hard to hide anything!

Roller derby allowed me to embrace who I am and who I strive to be. I formed strong bonds with like minded women (and a few men) who didn't judge me by my tattoos or the fact that I'm childless, and who helped me form a bad ass persona for myself based on the fact that I love candy.

Derby filled a void in me that I didn't even know I had. I had never played a team sport before. I miss the bond that I formed with my teammates. Now as I live a life without it, I wonder what will be next for me and where I might find that camaraderie. It's exciting to think there's something waiting for me that I haven't discovered yet.

If I had to sum up what I learned from roller derby in one phrase, it would be this: I can literally do anything I want to. I joined the team at age 33 and had never roller skated in my life.  Last weekend, I ran a relay race in the Grand Teton Mountains. It was tough. I sweat, I struggled, I cried. I turned into a monster from not getting sleep. But as I was pushing myself through seven miles with a 1,100 foot elevation gain, when I started to struggle I reminded myself  Hey, at least no one is chasing me or trying to hit me or stop me!

I've continued to support my derby team by going to bouts and fundraisers. My personal experience has allowed me to play a unique role for two of my former teammates who have retired in the past few months.

As I recovered from my head injury, I began to focus my energy on running, reading and writing. I've done some traveling and have tried my hand at floral design for the past few months.I am more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been before. I have the confidence to wear whatever I want and braid my own pigtails!

Sure I'm a different person than I was before my head injury but I'm also a different person than the one who signed up for that 180 mile relay race!

It's fun to look back every so often and see the changes in myself. I've had experiences this year that I never would have anticipated at this point last summer. That's the beauty of change.

Teaching my niece to roller skate this summer.

T is for Try

Chocolate bacon sundae

If there's one phrase I utter more often than any other, it's probably "Try it!" This is often followed by "You'll like it!"

 It's easy to fall into patterns and hold onto comfortable things in life. Going out to eat and ordering the same thing every time is safe, right? You know you're going to like it. I get that. Sometimes I want familiarity too. But when we cling too it too tightly, we miss out on new experiences.

I can't tell you how many women I've encountered who say some version of "I've thought about playing roller derby but I'd never be able to do it because  ________________." Fill in the blank with any excuse you can imagine. My response always is "You never know. You should try it." There's always a rebuttal. The truth is, you really don't know what it'll be like and if roller derby is something you think you'd like, you should try it.

Suiting up in my derby gear for the first time

I'm a pretty adventurous eater but there are a few things I was sure I didn't like: avocados, eggplant and onions come to mind. Last year, a friend suggested I try avocados in a smoothie. I was skeptical but I gave it a try and lo and behold, that has become one of my favorite quick breakfasts! 

I do not like white water rafting. I've only gone once and I was terrified the entire time. I'm generally not a fan of being on water in any way, shape or form. My other half, however, loves white water rafting and asked me to go with him at least once. I did and I doubt I'll ever go again but he appreciated that I was willing to face my fear and get in that raft! Now I do something on my own while he goes rafting with his siblings but at least I know what I'm missing!

Suited up for white water rafting

My life lesson here is simple: Try it. Whatever it is, give it a go. Take one bite of something, try on an outfit that isn't your usual style, take a class or lessons for a new hobby.

I believe that we, as human beings, are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. This goes back to my first post of the month, that you can do anything!

So, what is it you'd like to try that you never have?

That's me in green!

Rolling Forward

This weekend marked three months since my concussion.

According to the neuro rehab specialist I've been seeing, I've officially crept into the unfortunate 15% of people for whom Post Concussion Syndrome doesn't resolve within 90 days. I'd like to say I'm almost normal but really, what is normal?

My life is very different than it was three months ago. Instead of skating 6 hours or more per week, I'm thrilled to now be able to use my elliptical machine for 30-40 minutes at a time. I've even advanced to the point where I can handle listening to music with my ear bud. Hurray for progress!

In the months since my injury, I've suffered not only the concussion but a heat stroke, food poisoning, three full blown migraines (when I typically have 1-2 per year) and a serious cold that knocked me down for almost two weeks. Also, one of my cats died and I had a birthday. Life continues to happen regardless of the fact that I feel unequipped to handle it.

But I do handle it. I don't have any other choice. And then I think Woah, look at me. I handled that shit like a boss.

Since it's only been within the last three weeks or so that I've started to feel like my old self again, it's only now starting to set in for me that I won't be returning to roller derby. Obviously I've known that all along but I don't think my brain had the capacity to process the information and allow me to truly feel it until now.

There are some things about derby that I miss terribly. I miss my friends, my teammates that supported me through my roller coaster of a derby career. I miss using my body to it's fullest abilities, feeling strong and tired and sore after bout. And there are things I don't miss at all, like practicing til 10 o'clock at night and off skates obligations. Like anything else, derby has pros and cons. It just so happens that the biggest con happens to be damaging my brain!

My eight year old niece has been asking me to teach her to roller skate since she moved to town in August. I am honored that she asked and the thought of teaching her something new makes me heart happy. But I was fairly nervous about getting back into my skates. I knew there'd be some emotional work as well as physical and I didn't want that to happen with her around.

I tied on my roller skates this morning for the first time since my ill fated last game. The urge to do so had grown so strong over the past few days that I couldn't resist it any longer. Since learning to skate was pretty difficult for me, I thought three months away from them would have set me back quite a bit. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I felt rolling around my street (wearing a helmet of course!)

Me in my skates this morning

I bought brand new ice skates this summer for $10 at a yard sale. I'd been looking forward to using them until my injury and then I'd been picturing myself slamming my skull into the ice. But now I'm thinking of finding my niece a pair of ice skates as well and using this as an opportunity to spend time with her and move myself forward while still using my skills and getting a work out.

I'll probably still miss roller derby for a while yet. I'm planning to go next month to watch my first bout since my retirement. I'm curious to see how that makes me feel and I'm super excited to cheer on my friends who still play.

The Universe has a plan and a sense of humor. I'm learning to stop worrying so much about what might happen in the future because really, I don't have any control over that what so ever.

Does It Matter What You Call It?

I knew I was going to leave roller derby the day I got injured. The moment I was injured, in fact. I recall quite clearly, stopping on the track (which is a no no), holding my hands to what I thought was my broken nose and having a feeling of finality wash over me, a voice that said "All done". I probably could have walked off the track at that exact moment and been satisfied. But that wouldn't be fair to my teammates or to myself. I  put over two years of my life into this sport, literal blood, sweat and tears. I can't just quit, right?  I've spent the last few weeks recovering and thinking about a potential future with derby, but I came to the conclusion that there isn't one for me.

Taken just seconds before the hit that caused my concussion

Friends have asked me how I made the decision but I didn't make a decision as much as it simply became clear to me. This is a time for transition for me. I've gotten a message from The Universe that I need to slow down and re-evaluate my priorities.

But just because the conclusion was clear cut for me didn't mean it was easy to follow through. I went to my life coach for guidance, "I know what I need to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it". I wrote about it, meditated about it and talked about it with my loved ones. I packed away all my gear and derby clothes, just to see what it felt like.

I'm not quitting, I'm retiring. I keep telling myself that, but does it make a difference? I turned to my dictionary for clarification:
          Quit: to stop doing something, to give up, to resign from, to stop trying, to go away from
          Retire: to give up one's work, to remove from a position or office, to go where it is quieter, to retreat from battle

Well, all of those sound accurate to me! Why is there such a negative connotation with quitting? I battled in that sport for two years and now I'm done. Sure there are women who play for a lot longer but I've known many who played for a shorter amount of time. That doesn't make any of us wrong.

I'm four weeks out from my concussion and I'm still not back to my old self. I'm driving and working and (knock on wood) this past weekend was my first one in a month that didn't include me getting injured or terribly ill. I even worked out on the elliptical yesterday for 15 minutes straight! I'm definitely making progress. But my memory sucks and I have a headache at some point every day. Externally I look like I've healed but I still don't feel like myself. I feel slow and foggy which is the opposite of me at my best. It's frustrating and depressing. But when I push myself (like trying to paint the living room or help my sister in law move), I get sick and I backslide three steps.

The words of wisdom from my life coach were: surrender to what is. I like the sound of that-very Zen. But how do I actually do that? I'm still figuring it out. For now it means eliminating as many distractions and obligations as possible and the biggest one was roller derby. I can't commit to calling my mom every Monday or showing up someplace at a specific time. I'm trying to change my thinking from "This isn't me" to "This is me now". I'm trying to read, rest, watch movies and just be who I am right now. Hopefully I won't be this me forever and I think I'll appreciate that I was kind to myself during this phase.

I always have faith that everything will work out. Sometimes it's just tough getting through that middle part. But for now this middle part is all I've got.

Resting on the couch with my dogs

I'm Trying!

It has recently occurred to me what a peculiar phrase "Get Well" is. I'd never given it much thought until these past couple of weeks while I've been recovering from a roller derby injury, but when I think about it, it seems more of a command than an endearment.

A couple weekends ago, I whacked my face hard during a game (and then not realizing I had a concussion, I made some poor choices for activities and beverage consumption immediately following the incident) and I'm currently dealing with Post Concussion Syndrome. I've been reading everything I can on the subject of concussions (because that's what I do when I'm upset about something-I read about it-I'm a nerd like that) and while it makes me feel better to know that everything I'm experiencing is to be expected with this type of injury, it's frustrating to know that there's nothing I can do but rest and wait for my brain to heal.

"Rest your brain",  said the doctors and the handouts on Traumatic Brain Injuries. How in the hell do I do that? I wondered. I still haven't figured it out. Okay, no TV or video games or music, no loud noise or bright lights. Minimal stimulation, I get that. But I tried lying alone in a quiet room, and I think my brain rested for about ten seconds, until it started spiraling out of control thinking about what I did to get into this situation and will I ever get better or will I ever play derby again and if I don't then what about this and what about that?  I reached for my book on the nightstand to distract myself from my thoughts. The doctor said I could do anything that didn't aggravate my symptoms and I tentatively checked in with my body after a few minutes of reading to discover that I felt fairly calm so I kept reading. I read four books in a week, much to the dismay of my boyfriend, with whom I have a friendly competition each year to see who reads the most books (See? Nerds). "That was number thirty", I announced smugly one evening as I slapped closed a hard cover novel. "That's not fair", he pouted, but my raised eyebrows must have let him know it was probably a more than fair trade.

"Get better soon" say my teammates and my friends when they post on my Facebook wall and my mom on the cheerful card she mailed me. I know their well wishes are genuine and I truly appreciate knowing I'm being thought of but I just want to scream I CAN'T GET BETTER RIGHT NOW SO STOP SAYING THAT!

What else do I expect them to say? I don't know. There's not much else to say to someone who gave themselves a serious injury playing a contact sport. And it's not like it's their fault I'm frustrated. But there's only so many times I can hear "I hope you're healing up quick" without feeling like I'm somehow doing something wrong. I'm not healing quick and there's nothing I can do about it. All the literature says symptoms can last "weeks to months" and some may never go away completely. That's overwhelming.

For the first ten days, I could barely move. I lived in a constant state of motion sickness. I was physically and mentally slow. I couldn't work or drive. Then last week, at about 14 days in, I started to feel my personality peeking through the fog. I wrote in my journal, I sent some funny Tweets. Oh, what a relief!

All my pets in bed with me on a recent sick day. 

Just when I started to be able to leave the house with minimal side effects, I got food poisoning. That set me back about three steps in my recovery. Talk about frustrating. My mother asked "Well, what did you eat that would have caused that?" insinuating that once again my less than stellar decision making brought about my misfortune.

I do realize that I am fortunate in my situation. My injury could have been much worse. Initially I thought my nose was broken but it wasn't, thank goodness. I am extremely grateful for my family, friends and teammates who have checked in on me, sent flowers, driven me to and from doctors appointments and cooked me meals, among other acts of kindness.

Get Well flowers from my team mates

Outwardly I appear to be in decent shape. I've returned to work, I've started driving short distances and my headache is no longer constant, but I still don't feel like myself and that's the worst part. I worry that I never will, but thankfully I know that this anxiety is also common in concussion patients. The fact that I have the capacity to work on this post is solid proof that I'm returning to myself.

The subject of roller derby hangs over me like a dark cloud. I know that's cliche but it's the best I can do right now! My doctors, my family, my co-workers, they all want to know if I plan return to the sport. The only people who aren't asking me this are my team mates and I think it's because they understand the need for a break and reassessment after an injury. When it comes to big issues, I'm a decisive person. I like to know what's going to happen and when. Am I going to play again or not? Yes or no, make a decision and move on. Right now, that's impossible for me. Roller derby is a part of my identity. There's a part of me that can't imagine my life without it. However, as much as I love playing derby there are other things I love more like reading, writing and my work as a veterinary technician. If I were to injure myself to the point where I couldn't recover to do these other things, well, I can't even think about that.

This series of events has been a clear message to me from The Universe that I need to slow down an bit and take some things off my plate for a while. I need a lot of sleep, I can't multi-task, I can't drink alcohol. Those aren't necessarily bad things. Once my new helmet arrives that I ordered from Amazon, I'll be able to start riding my bike to work again! In the mean time, you'll find me lying down reading a book!

One Trip Around The Sun

This past Saturday marked the one year anniversary of the day I lost my sweet dog Ritz. The month of May had been plodding along under a gray cloud as the date drew nearer. I kept thinking One year ago today, I had no idea what was going to happen. One year ago today he was with me and things were fine. 

A few months back, when I realized I would have a roller derby bout on May 24th, my first reaction was that I didn't want to play on that day. I thought I'd be too sad, too distracted, too whatever to be able to focus and enjoy myself. As the event got closer, though, I realized there wasn't anything else that would be better for me than playing that day.

May 22nd was the date that Ritz was suddenly ill and had emergency surgery. On that date this year, I was incredibly sad. And the next day. And then next morning, when I woke up on the 24th knowing that a year ago my life changed so drastically, I knew I needed to do something to acknowledge what I was feeling so I could move forward into my busy day. FaceBook can be a strange beast sometimes but I like to use it to put things out into The Universe for myself. I wrote this brief post and added this photo of him:
                  One year ago today I lost my best buddy. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about him. His passing was a catalyst for some very big, necessary changes in my life and I believe that was his final gift to me. Today, I am truly grateful to have a roller derby bout to turn my focus and energy to. The number of people who are going to watch me play and support me makes my heart sing. I could not have made it through this year without the love from my friends, family and teammates. This is a beautiful day!

Sharing that released the majority of my sadness. I knew my friends would acknowledge what I was feeling and send me loving vibes! This first year without Ritz (after almost eight years with him) was difficult but it was a transformative time for me. I lost my companion, I left my job and I learned that I am capable of much more than I had been giving myself credit for. I had experiences and met people that I would have missed out on had I stayed at that old work place, feeling my soul be crushed every moment I was there. I look back on it now and I truly can't believe I tolerated it as long as I did. 

Next, I took my dogs for a nice long walk and listened to Dave Matthews Band, to find my center. Then I went to play some roller derby! My journey with this sport is its own story, which I'll tell some other day. For now I'll just say that to be playing in a home bout took a huge amount of hard work and perseverance on my part, both physical and emotional. Joining my team has been one of the best things I've done for myself and definitely the most challenging. I play with an incredible group of women and together we work extremely hard to put the events together. To stand on that floor with them, all painted up in my uniform, and seeing my friends and family in the cheering crowd fills my heart with so much joy and pride. I have friends that traveled over 90 miles to watch me play. One of the clients from my previous job was there along with my new boss and co-workers, people I'd met through my temp jobs and my life coaching. Having all these people who love and support me, who want to come watch me play a sport that I love and train hard for is overwhelming. I couldn't have made it through this last year without this support system and it's an awesome feeling to know I created this for myself by making decisions that serve me well. 

One year is a long time, yet it isn't. I can't say I'm less sad about Ritz than I was prior to this anniversary but it is different now. My life coach says there's something to be said for making one trip around the sun when it comes to grief. I think it takes all those little "firsts" to come together and bring some closure, to make the loss less surreal. It's almost as if I've finally proved to myself that I can survive without Ritz, because there was certainly a point in my life a few years ago where I wondered if I could. Right now I'm look forward to this coming summer, to enjoying it with my puppy who is nearing his first birthday. I refer to last summer as The Summer of Sadness and one of my dear friends gracefully pointed out that perhaps we all need a season of sadness occasionally to be able to appreciate the ones that are joyful. I think she's right.

Choose Wisely

Last night I skated in my first roller derby bout at our home venue. For most of my friends and family, this was their first chance to see me play. I had a busy week leading up to the event and a stressful day running around getting everything done so I could be in the locker room on time. The game was awesome. I had a ton of fun playing and enjoying the after party. I crashed into bed last night with a beer buzz, feeling exhausted and thrilled with the experience.

As I drank my coffee this morning (and stretched my sore muscles), I scrolled through photos from last night. Most of the ones on my camera were taken by my boyfriend's sister and there were a bunch on FaceBook already, posted by friends and teammates. As I took in all the images, I was struck by great feelings of love and gratitude for all these amazing people who are in my life. My teammates have supported me and cheered me on when I was feeling low and ready to quit. My boyfriend and his sister dressed up for the Kentucky Derby theme so they could sit in the front row. A friend I went to high school with is pregnant, yet she drove two hours each way to volunteer because we were short handed. Friends who I didn't expect to show were in line at the end, giving my whole team high fives. Even my life coach was there! To say that roller derby has changed my life is an understatement, so to see all these people come together to support me and celebrate was incredible. There was so much happening at once last night, that it wasn't until I was alone with my thoughts this morning that I realized how amazing it was.

One of the most important things I've learned as an adult is that I can choose who I allow into my life and who I don't. It took me until I was thirty to figure it out but once I did, my quality of life improved immensely. When I first moved to Montana I didn't know many people and I made one close friend. Long story short, in less than two years I figured out she wasn't a good person and I didn't really want her as a friend any more. I'll admit I probably didn't handle the situation in the best possible way, but I did what I thought was right at the time to make a clean break. I was lonely as hell for a while. Then, I reached out to some acquaintances I had always admired. Going forward, I made the choice to associate with people who I felt were well intentioned and would support me in my journey.

Sometimes a person turns out to be different than what I originally thought. Or a situation arises that stresses someone and they show their true self and it isn't pleasant. This has happened to me a few times over the years and I find myself at a crossroads: do I continue a relationship with someone or choose a life without them? It isn't ever easy but the older I get, the better I know myself and what I want from the people I share my life with. Now that I find myself with an extraordinary partner and friends who are funny, positive and supportive. Sometimes, like last night, I am amazed to see all of these people together having fun. It makes me feel good to know that I created this support system and contribute to it. In turn we are all providing for and supporting each other, enriching each others lives.

T is for Teammates

Before joining my roller derby team last year, I had never played a team sport. I'd never played any sport, actually. I started running in my late 20's and that was the most athletic I'd ever been. I joined the team for several reasons but mostly to enrich my life and give myself something to strive for that wasn't job related. In just a few months, these ladies became more important to me than I ever could have imagined. In case you wouldn't have guessed, roller derby is pretty tough. I knew I could do it, but I was in my 30's when I joined and had never roller skated before. I was "behind the curve" a bit. It took me longer to pass the skills test than most other girls and I was really hard on myself. Without the support from my teammates (both physical and emotional), I might not have stuck it out. I know it may be hard to believe since we all hit each other on a regular basis, but there's not a single lady on this team who hasn't shown me kindness. There's a pretty wide range of personality types and lifestyles but when we come together with our skates on, we blend together pretty darn well. When we practice we knock each other down and yell at each other but we also cheer each other on. I've never experienced anything like it. I truly love these women and my life is better because of the things I've learned from skating with them.

This photo was taken on a morning in March when it was about 27 degrees out! One of our teammates is a photographer (Bellissimo Photography) and toughed it out with us to get some awesome shots for our promotional material. 

*I know I only referred to ladies in this post,  so I want to clarify: we do have three male referees on our team and they are stellar guys!

My Body

            Last week, I faced the unpleasant task of shopping for a new bathing suit. It’s been a couple years since I bought a new one and my body has changed quite a bit since then. I didn’t expect it to be a fun shopping trip, but I knew I wanted a simple tankini and thought it would be fairly easy to find. Boy, was I wrong. The first afternoon, I went to JC Penny’s, Macy’s and Kohls with no luck. The second day, I hit TJ Maxx, Target and Ross with no success and some serious frustration. Sure, I was finding suits and trying them on but everything was either too small or too big. It felt like a suit was created for either a skinny teenager or a woman trying to hide her body. A size 8 in one brand was definitely not a size 8 in a different brand. Like most women I know, I’m a different size on top than bottom, so all of the suits sold as a pair were a no go. By the third day, I had given up but figured I’d make one more stop on my way home from work. I hit the jackpot at REI and found what I was looking for. I even had multiple choices! Granted, I paid almost three times what I thought I would, but I didn’t even hesitate. I wore the suit a few days later on my anniversary trip to a hot spring and was very pleased with it.

            After that second disappointing shopping trip, I voiced my frustration on FaceBook with a funny status update. My incredible women friends responded with gusto. Many of them related to my experience, and they made me laugh but also reminded me that I’m my harshest critic and that instead of being so hard on how my body looks, I should instead be reminding myself of how many amazing things it allows me to do.

            Before observing it in terrible mirrors under harsh department store lighting, I had in fact been appreciating my body lately. Just a few years ago, I was dealing with symptoms and diagnoses that led me to believe my body was quitting on me. After years of bouncing from one specialist to another, and receiving a series of incorrect diagnoses, each of which came with ineffective medications and a bunch of unpleasant side effects, I had in fact given up on ever feeling “normal” again and had resigned myself to a life of chronic discomfort and physical limitations.

            It was about a year ago that a wise woman who provides me with guidance suggested I start looking for ways to enrich my life, to focus on making myself happy. “What’s on your bucket list?” she asked. “Give some of those things a try”. And that’s how, a few months later, I found myself joining a roller derby team. I figured that if my body was going to be sore for no reason, I might as well give it a reason.

            It’s been a long haul but joining derby is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. There are often times when I’m in the middle of a drill, skating as hard as I can and in my head I’m screaming “I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M DOING THIS!”. And oddly enough, the more active I am the less my body hurts from my health issues. I’m doing things in practice every week that I literally thought I would never be able to do physically. I constantly amaze myself. I wonder why it’s so easy to forget all that when I’m closed in a tiny fitting room struggling into a polka dot bikini in the middle of winter.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Mine

About three months ago I joined a roller derby team. I was looking to enrich my life, round it out a bit. I needed something in my life that wasn't my job or my home. It's something that has been on my bucket list for as long as I can remember but I never thought I had it in me and didn't know how to go about getting started. This past spring, the universe starting sending me little messages and I decided I was going for it. So I talked to a couple girls who are on the team, checked out a practice and then signed up. In just a short time, roller derby has pushed me and challenged me more than anything else ever has. I've never been an athlete, never played a team sport. But I do now. It's been a bit slow going. I've watched some team mates breeze past me to pass the skills tests and move on to advanced levels but I'm still chugging along, and I know I'll get there when the time is right for me. I have an entire new group of friends, a new skill set and a new wardrobe. It's all mine alone and has already made me a stronger person in so many ways.