U is for Universe

I'm a spiritual being, although I don't follow any particular religious doctorine. I suppose my personal beliefs are closest to that of Buddhism but I'm not educated enough to consider myself a Buddhist. 

What I do believe whole heartedly is that there is a power at work who is much greater than myself. I call this power The Universe. 

The Universe is wise and powerful. It is kind and forgiving. The Universe is not a cruel teacher who "tests" us or sets us up for failure. 

The Universe hears us. Even when we aren't clear on the message we're sending out, it is received. Then, we are provided with options. The choice is ours to make. 

Sometimes there is a lesson we must learn. If we don't get it the first time around, The Universe will present that situation again and again until we achieve what we need to. 

All living beings in this world are connected; people, animals, plants. It's all energy. Whether you pay attention to those connections and honor them is up to you, but they're always there.

Each day, I thank The Universe for all it has given me and I ask for continued guidance as I navigate  my path in this life. 

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is: Trust The Universe. Have faith. Remember that everything happens for a reason. Everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to, because The Universe knows the truth. 

We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Blog Posts

Me at The Bean in Millennium Park in Chicago last week

One of the most frustrating, yet most beautiful things about being human is that the Earth keeps spinning when we're faced with a crisis and it feels like everything has screeched to a halt. Even if it's not a catastrophe, life altering change can make me want to hang a sign on my front door that says "This household is dealing with some serious shit, please come back another time" and hide under my bed until I've recovered. But life doesn't work that way. No matter what I'm dealing with, the world continues to move along; my work place is still busy, my mother still calls (and calls and calls), UPS still knocks to deliver a package. Summer before last, shortly after my dog died, the home owners association sent a letter stating people were complaining about the unsightliness of our lawn and I thought How in the hell can anyone care about the lawn at a time like this? But they did care, because everyone else's life went along as usual.

Fortunately, I have not been dealing with a catastrophic loss such as that recently, but life as I know it has changed and that's always scary, even when it's exciting. Over the past few years, The Universe has nudged me a couple times. It gave me opportunities for change and I turned it down, both times, instead choosing the safe, comfortable route. And so The Universe has brought a battering ram this time and it is speaking to me loud and clear.

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while. I apologize. I know it makes some of my friends nervous. This tends to happen to me when I have a lot going on in my personal life. If I'm dealing with a situation I can't publicly write about, I have a hard time "ignoring" it and writing about other stuff. I still write a ton, but I can't bring myself to post. Such is the life of a non-fiction writer, I suppose...

Details will be emerging shortly, I promise. I'm on an adventure and I'm documenting it every step of the way, and I'll share it when the time is right! In the mean time, know that I'm safe and writing A LOT, and prepare for lots of pictures of my dog, Charlie, as he accompanies me on my journey!

Me & Charlie, nap time at the hotel

Rolling Forward

This weekend marked three months since my concussion.

According to the neuro rehab specialist I've been seeing, I've officially crept into the unfortunate 15% of people for whom Post Concussion Syndrome doesn't resolve within 90 days. I'd like to say I'm almost normal but really, what is normal?

My life is very different than it was three months ago. Instead of skating 6 hours or more per week, I'm thrilled to now be able to use my elliptical machine for 30-40 minutes at a time. I've even advanced to the point where I can handle listening to music with my ear bud. Hurray for progress!

In the months since my injury, I've suffered not only the concussion but a heat stroke, food poisoning, three full blown migraines (when I typically have 1-2 per year) and a serious cold that knocked me down for almost two weeks. Also, one of my cats died and I had a birthday. Life continues to happen regardless of the fact that I feel unequipped to handle it.

But I do handle it. I don't have any other choice. And then I think Woah, look at me. I handled that shit like a boss.

Since it's only been within the last three weeks or so that I've started to feel like my old self again, it's only now starting to set in for me that I won't be returning to roller derby. Obviously I've known that all along but I don't think my brain had the capacity to process the information and allow me to truly feel it until now.

There are some things about derby that I miss terribly. I miss my friends, my teammates that supported me through my roller coaster of a derby career. I miss using my body to it's fullest abilities, feeling strong and tired and sore after bout. And there are things I don't miss at all, like practicing til 10 o'clock at night and off skates obligations. Like anything else, derby has pros and cons. It just so happens that the biggest con happens to be damaging my brain!

My eight year old niece has been asking me to teach her to roller skate since she moved to town in August. I am honored that she asked and the thought of teaching her something new makes me heart happy. But I was fairly nervous about getting back into my skates. I knew there'd be some emotional work as well as physical and I didn't want that to happen with her around.

I tied on my roller skates this morning for the first time since my ill fated last game. The urge to do so had grown so strong over the past few days that I couldn't resist it any longer. Since learning to skate was pretty difficult for me, I thought three months away from them would have set me back quite a bit. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable I felt rolling around my street (wearing a helmet of course!)

Me in my skates this morning

I bought brand new ice skates this summer for $10 at a yard sale. I'd been looking forward to using them until my injury and then I'd been picturing myself slamming my skull into the ice. But now I'm thinking of finding my niece a pair of ice skates as well and using this as an opportunity to spend time with her and move myself forward while still using my skills and getting a work out.

I'll probably still miss roller derby for a while yet. I'm planning to go next month to watch my first bout since my retirement. I'm curious to see how that makes me feel and I'm super excited to cheer on my friends who still play.

The Universe has a plan and a sense of humor. I'm learning to stop worrying so much about what might happen in the future because really, I don't have any control over that what so ever.

I'm Trying!

It has recently occurred to me what a peculiar phrase "Get Well" is. I'd never given it much thought until these past couple of weeks while I've been recovering from a roller derby injury, but when I think about it, it seems more of a command than an endearment.

A couple weekends ago, I whacked my face hard during a game (and then not realizing I had a concussion, I made some poor choices for activities and beverage consumption immediately following the incident) and I'm currently dealing with Post Concussion Syndrome. I've been reading everything I can on the subject of concussions (because that's what I do when I'm upset about something-I read about it-I'm a nerd like that) and while it makes me feel better to know that everything I'm experiencing is to be expected with this type of injury, it's frustrating to know that there's nothing I can do but rest and wait for my brain to heal.

"Rest your brain",  said the doctors and the handouts on Traumatic Brain Injuries. How in the hell do I do that? I wondered. I still haven't figured it out. Okay, no TV or video games or music, no loud noise or bright lights. Minimal stimulation, I get that. But I tried lying alone in a quiet room, and I think my brain rested for about ten seconds, until it started spiraling out of control thinking about what I did to get into this situation and will I ever get better or will I ever play derby again and if I don't then what about this and what about that?  I reached for my book on the nightstand to distract myself from my thoughts. The doctor said I could do anything that didn't aggravate my symptoms and I tentatively checked in with my body after a few minutes of reading to discover that I felt fairly calm so I kept reading. I read four books in a week, much to the dismay of my boyfriend, with whom I have a friendly competition each year to see who reads the most books (See? Nerds). "That was number thirty", I announced smugly one evening as I slapped closed a hard cover novel. "That's not fair", he pouted, but my raised eyebrows must have let him know it was probably a more than fair trade.

"Get better soon" say my teammates and my friends when they post on my Facebook wall and my mom on the cheerful card she mailed me. I know their well wishes are genuine and I truly appreciate knowing I'm being thought of but I just want to scream I CAN'T GET BETTER RIGHT NOW SO STOP SAYING THAT!

What else do I expect them to say? I don't know. There's not much else to say to someone who gave themselves a serious injury playing a contact sport. And it's not like it's their fault I'm frustrated. But there's only so many times I can hear "I hope you're healing up quick" without feeling like I'm somehow doing something wrong. I'm not healing quick and there's nothing I can do about it. All the literature says symptoms can last "weeks to months" and some may never go away completely. That's overwhelming.

For the first ten days, I could barely move. I lived in a constant state of motion sickness. I was physically and mentally slow. I couldn't work or drive. Then last week, at about 14 days in, I started to feel my personality peeking through the fog. I wrote in my journal, I sent some funny Tweets. Oh, what a relief!

All my pets in bed with me on a recent sick day. 

Just when I started to be able to leave the house with minimal side effects, I got food poisoning. That set me back about three steps in my recovery. Talk about frustrating. My mother asked "Well, what did you eat that would have caused that?" insinuating that once again my less than stellar decision making brought about my misfortune.

I do realize that I am fortunate in my situation. My injury could have been much worse. Initially I thought my nose was broken but it wasn't, thank goodness. I am extremely grateful for my family, friends and teammates who have checked in on me, sent flowers, driven me to and from doctors appointments and cooked me meals, among other acts of kindness.

Get Well flowers from my team mates

Outwardly I appear to be in decent shape. I've returned to work, I've started driving short distances and my headache is no longer constant, but I still don't feel like myself and that's the worst part. I worry that I never will, but thankfully I know that this anxiety is also common in concussion patients. The fact that I have the capacity to work on this post is solid proof that I'm returning to myself.

The subject of roller derby hangs over me like a dark cloud. I know that's cliche but it's the best I can do right now! My doctors, my family, my co-workers, they all want to know if I plan return to the sport. The only people who aren't asking me this are my team mates and I think it's because they understand the need for a break and reassessment after an injury. When it comes to big issues, I'm a decisive person. I like to know what's going to happen and when. Am I going to play again or not? Yes or no, make a decision and move on. Right now, that's impossible for me. Roller derby is a part of my identity. There's a part of me that can't imagine my life without it. However, as much as I love playing derby there are other things I love more like reading, writing and my work as a veterinary technician. If I were to injure myself to the point where I couldn't recover to do these other things, well, I can't even think about that.

This series of events has been a clear message to me from The Universe that I need to slow down an bit and take some things off my plate for a while. I need a lot of sleep, I can't multi-task, I can't drink alcohol. Those aren't necessarily bad things. Once my new helmet arrives that I ordered from Amazon, I'll be able to start riding my bike to work again! In the mean time, you'll find me lying down reading a book!

The Big Picture

As I mentioned in my last post, I entered a new chapter of my life in August when I started working for a temp agency. So far I've completed my first assignment and start my second one tomorrow. About half way through my first day of work, I noticed something happening that I'd experienced before. When I enter into a new chapter of my life, I'll sometimes meet a person who reminds me of someone from a previous chapter. For example if I'd once had a negative experience with a person named X, I'll find myself  having a positive experience with someone of the same name. Other times I'll meet someone who reminds me of a person I cared about in a previous chapter (or just someone who I'm a great physical distance from now) and it makes me happy to be around them. It's as if The Universe is balancing things out for me, bringing me full circle through an experience. It's a reminder that all of my experiences are connected, that everything happens for a reason.

A few days into my first temp assignment, my supervisor and I were chatting about our pets. I mentioned I was looking for a Boston Terrier puppy but they were proving difficult to find. She perked up in her seat and said "I have a friend who just had a litter of puppies!" The full story was a bit more involved and the puppies turned out to be four hours away, but the owner was willing to meet me half way and so I brought my new buddy home last Friday.

This is a wonderful example of how our lives are full of tiny connections that create the big picture that is our journey. If I didn't play roller derby I would probably never have met my good friend A, whose in-laws own the temp agency which gave me the job with the supervisor who connected me to my new puppy. Whew!

When it first occurred to me to get a new puppy I dismissed the idea. A puppy is a big expense, a huge time commitment and a lifestyle change. Did I even really want a new puppy or was I just wanting back my dog who had passed away? Was it even fair to get a puppy if he'd constantly be compared to Ritz? "I think you're over thinking this" said my life coach. "Of course you want Ritz back but you can't have that and you also want a new puppy." That made sense. I tossed the idea around for a bit, meditated on it and discussed it with my other half. Then I decided I wanted a boy Boston Terrier puppy and I put it out to The Universe. Within a few weeks, the connections were made and now I have an adorable little dog who I already love with my whole heart. On his first morning home, I took him outside and sprinkled some of Ritz's ashes along the fence in our back yard, where he loved to patrol and woof at any passerby. All the guilt I was carrying for wanting another dog seemed to lift away. I felt a sense of closure around Ritz's death that I hadn't in the three months since. I'm not trying to replace him. No dog could ever fill his role because I'll never be in exactly the same place I was emotionally when he came into my life eight years ago. However I did need to feel the void I've felt since his passing. Already the new puppy is doing exactly that. He's a bold, noisy, wiggly, cuddly creature and he's brought a lot of joy into our household. I needed him even more than I'd realized.