Some Thoughts On Tragedy

I sat up with a gasp a 2 o'clock this morning, in the middle of a dream about a high school classmate of mine who was in a horrific car accident earlier this week and is still hospitalized with severe injuries.

I woke from that dream sweaty, with a racing heart. I turned on my bedside lamp and leaned back against my pillows, attempting to get my bearings. I looked around my dim bedroom, at my dogs sprawled out around my feet, my husband curled up beside me sound asleep, and I thought How lucky am I?

I know that sounds cliche but there's a reason cliches exist, because they're relatable and generally true.

On one hand, I think How can I go about my day laughing and working when such suffering is happening to people I know? and then I think How can I not? That's my duty right now. There's nothing else I can do. I think of them and send positive vibes their way and then I go on living. I am overflowing with empathy and gratitude today.

One of the most beautiful yet frustrating things about being human is that the world doesn't stop turning when crisis befalls us. I have gone through experiences (grief, illness, divorce) where I've  wondered how in the hell everyone else was acting so normal. As I get older, I realize that they had to, just as I have to now. That doesn't mean I'm not acknowledging others' tragedies and creating space for them.

Hug your loved ones today, hug your dogs, hug yourself. Wave to the other drivers on the road and send them thanks for paying attention and not causing an accident. Do those things every day.

So often we travel around through our days without realizing how connected we all are, how much our lives are in the hands of the strangers around us. Saturday afternoon I was in Wal-Mart (I know, what was I thinking?!) when there was a sudden sharp BANG. I grabbed my husband's arm and hid my face in his chest. I thought it was most certainly a gunshot. I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for another bang or a scream. It turns out that a child had popped one of those large bright rubber balls and everyone was okay. But look at how everyone in that store could have had their life change in less than a second. Those things happen.

I wasn't able to get much sleep after my 2am wake up. I tried to distract myself with a book but I'm currently reading a sci-fi novel about a man who died and unbeknownst to his wife, had arranged to have his head cryogenically frozen so he can live forever in the future. The poor widow is fighting to get back her husband's head. Needless to say, that didn't take my mind off the tragic thoughts it was holding onto! It's a good book though!

As I made my To Do List this morning and drank my spinach smoothie, the thoughts that made up this post came to me. I felt compelled to write them down before they slipped away, and share them with the world. Why? Because I can. I have this day and I don't want to waste it. See? A cliche again, but so true.

C is for Crisis and Change

Wild fires near my home June 2012

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the last year is that sometimes it takes a crisis to initiate change.

 I love change. I crave it in my life on a regular basis. My new job at the flower shop appeals to me in a similar way veterinary medicine did, in that I never know what each day at work is going to bring. In veterinary clinics healthy pets come in for vaccines punctuated by an emergency hit by car, toxin ingestion or broken limb. At the flower shop, I might take an order to celebrate the birth of a new baby and five minutes later an order for a funeral. I've worked at temp jobs where each day is predictable and the same as the previous. After a week or so I'm bored and ready for something new!

Growing up, my mother and I moved four times between the time I was two and twelve. During those years I also had two different step-families. When I was fifteen, my life was flipped upside down when we moved from Pennsylvania to Wyoming. Each new chapter of my life forced a reboot. Despite being difficult at the time, those moves and lifestyle changes gave me the courage and confidence to initiate change in my life whenever I felt I needed it.

I can't imagine what it's like to grow up in one house with the same set of parents, rules and family traditions. Lots of people do grow up that way and aren't as adaptable and comfortable with change as I am. In fact, I've discovered that many people fear change. For those people, something different can be threatening. If things have been done a certain way for ____years, why change it? But the fact that  I like change doesn't mean I don't also like routine and familiarity. I tend to hoard sentimental items to provide consistency in my life!

I've also learned that comfort does not equal stability. You can live in a comfortable house with nice things and a nice partner, but that doesn't mean the bottom won't drop out eventually or that change isn't necessary. And that can get confusing. If things are going "okay," why do they need to change? Even if we aren't exactly happy with the way things are, they could always be worse, right? So why take the chance and shake things up?

Well...because sometimes life needs a little shake up.

A summer thunderstorm August 2014

But people who are afraid to take bold action don't understand those of us who do. They will judge and alienate the people they don't understand. It's an unfortunate side effect for being a risk taker. It still hurts my feelings when I get "unfriended" by someone who doesn't like a choice I've made but I've learned to let it go because that's not a person I want close to me anyway.

I've come to realize that perhaps people who fear change need people like me to show them it's not an enemy and help them bring it about. I've witnessed people close to me transform into a totally different being when faced with crisis. It brings out one's true colors and that's never a bad thing.

A flower can push through rocks to grow and bloom

We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Blog Posts

Me at The Bean in Millennium Park in Chicago last week

One of the most frustrating, yet most beautiful things about being human is that the Earth keeps spinning when we're faced with a crisis and it feels like everything has screeched to a halt. Even if it's not a catastrophe, life altering change can make me want to hang a sign on my front door that says "This household is dealing with some serious shit, please come back another time" and hide under my bed until I've recovered. But life doesn't work that way. No matter what I'm dealing with, the world continues to move along; my work place is still busy, my mother still calls (and calls and calls), UPS still knocks to deliver a package. Summer before last, shortly after my dog died, the home owners association sent a letter stating people were complaining about the unsightliness of our lawn and I thought How in the hell can anyone care about the lawn at a time like this? But they did care, because everyone else's life went along as usual.

Fortunately, I have not been dealing with a catastrophic loss such as that recently, but life as I know it has changed and that's always scary, even when it's exciting. Over the past few years, The Universe has nudged me a couple times. It gave me opportunities for change and I turned it down, both times, instead choosing the safe, comfortable route. And so The Universe has brought a battering ram this time and it is speaking to me loud and clear.

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while. I apologize. I know it makes some of my friends nervous. This tends to happen to me when I have a lot going on in my personal life. If I'm dealing with a situation I can't publicly write about, I have a hard time "ignoring" it and writing about other stuff. I still write a ton, but I can't bring myself to post. Such is the life of a non-fiction writer, I suppose...

Details will be emerging shortly, I promise. I'm on an adventure and I'm documenting it every step of the way, and I'll share it when the time is right! In the mean time, know that I'm safe and writing A LOT, and prepare for lots of pictures of my dog, Charlie, as he accompanies me on my journey!

Me & Charlie, nap time at the hotel