L is for Light

There was a time in my life when the middle of the night was my worst enemy. There in the dark, I would re-hash my biggest failures and heaviest anxieties. There were nights when I thought I am seriously not well, because I couldn't stop obsessing about my ex-husband or a mistake I made at work, or something embarrassing I did when I was twelve! Eventually I'd wear myself out and fall asleep and when I woke up in the morning I could early remember what it was I had been so stressed about all night!

My life lesson here is: Everything looks better in the light of day.

I don't know why it is but I know it's a common condition. People all over the world lay down to sleep at night and are flooded with worry and pressure, fear and loneliness. I remember a particular period of time when I was single and would curl up on my side at night, imagining a loving man spooning me and I would think Some day I will have a man to spoon me. I won't always be alone. I'd wake up in the morning with my dog curled up behind my knees and think I'm not alone at all. Why the hell do I worry so much about finding a man? I believe the solitude that is forced upon me by the darkness leaves space for the doubts and fears to creep in.

Over the past several years, I've gotten a handle on my anxiety thanks to finding the right medication, therapy, exercise, a supportive partner, etc. Nighttime is not something I fear. In fact bedtime is one of my favorite parts of the day because I always read in bed and I love to sleep.

But occasionally the demons do show their faces around 3 or 4am. They say "Hey, what about that magazine deadline? Do you have enough money to pay your car registration? Stay awake with us and worry about those things!" That's when I snap on my bedside lamp and reach for my book. Distracting my mind with reading is one of the few things that makes those worries evaporate into the words and characters on the page. I read long enough to keep drowsy and turn the light off, knowing that when my room is flooded with sunlight in the morning, I will be able to tackle everything on my to do list!

Similarly, I often notice a difference in my disposition on a bright, sunny day versus a gray, gloomy day. Here in Montana, we can go through phases in the winter when I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. Everyone becomes slow and a bit melancholy. And then suddenly it's a glorious day filled with sunlight and I feel like myself again! There's such a huge shift that occurs in the spring, when the days get longer.

I'm a person who would rather be hot than cold. I'd rather sit in the sun than the shade. I'm a morning person. Daylight and sunlight represent a lot to me; motivation, happiness, the hope that comes with a brand new day. 

Tinsley likes to find a sunny spot, just like me!

C is for Crisis and Change

Wild fires near my home June 2012

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the last year is that sometimes it takes a crisis to initiate change.

 I love change. I crave it in my life on a regular basis. My new job at the flower shop appeals to me in a similar way veterinary medicine did, in that I never know what each day at work is going to bring. In veterinary clinics healthy pets come in for vaccines punctuated by an emergency hit by car, toxin ingestion or broken limb. At the flower shop, I might take an order to celebrate the birth of a new baby and five minutes later an order for a funeral. I've worked at temp jobs where each day is predictable and the same as the previous. After a week or so I'm bored and ready for something new!

Growing up, my mother and I moved four times between the time I was two and twelve. During those years I also had two different step-families. When I was fifteen, my life was flipped upside down when we moved from Pennsylvania to Wyoming. Each new chapter of my life forced a reboot. Despite being difficult at the time, those moves and lifestyle changes gave me the courage and confidence to initiate change in my life whenever I felt I needed it.

I can't imagine what it's like to grow up in one house with the same set of parents, rules and family traditions. Lots of people do grow up that way and aren't as adaptable and comfortable with change as I am. In fact, I've discovered that many people fear change. For those people, something different can be threatening. If things have been done a certain way for ____years, why change it? But the fact that  I like change doesn't mean I don't also like routine and familiarity. I tend to hoard sentimental items to provide consistency in my life!

I've also learned that comfort does not equal stability. You can live in a comfortable house with nice things and a nice partner, but that doesn't mean the bottom won't drop out eventually or that change isn't necessary. And that can get confusing. If things are going "okay," why do they need to change? Even if we aren't exactly happy with the way things are, they could always be worse, right? So why take the chance and shake things up?

Well...because sometimes life needs a little shake up.

A summer thunderstorm August 2014

But people who are afraid to take bold action don't understand those of us who do. They will judge and alienate the people they don't understand. It's an unfortunate side effect for being a risk taker. It still hurts my feelings when I get "unfriended" by someone who doesn't like a choice I've made but I've learned to let it go because that's not a person I want close to me anyway.

I've come to realize that perhaps people who fear change need people like me to show them it's not an enemy and help them bring it about. I've witnessed people close to me transform into a totally different being when faced with crisis. It brings out one's true colors and that's never a bad thing.

A flower can push through rocks to grow and bloom

Life Is Like...Nothing Else

 

I like roller coasters. It's an interesting fact about me because I don't really like heights and I hate to fly. When I ride a roller coaster, I'm almost always in fear for my life and I have huge issues with fearing death. But I ride roller coasters anyway. It's probably one of the most thrilling, dangerous things I do by choice (except driving a car, of course!) I like the anticipation and the stomach dropping feeling. I'm usually terrified for the majority of the ride, thinking WHY DID I DO THIS?! but once it's over I'm like Oh that wasn't so bad, I'm excited yet relieved and generally glad I did it.

Lately I've found myself likening my life to a roller coaster ride. There have certainly been a lots of ups and downs, but I've started to give that more serious thought. There is much choice involved in a roller coaster ride. You get on and stay on, follow the track, then get off at the end. Most roller coasters don't have many blissful parts. During the calmer parts I'm thinking Oh shit, what's going to happen next? and while the uphill part is exciting, typically my body has been slammed back against my seat and I'm gritting my teeth.

Maybe that is like life?

During a recent chat with a close friend, I stumbled upon a solution to some of the anxieties I've been feeling in regard to all the change I've experienced. I said something along the lines of "I need to sit down into my choice and go with it, enjoy it." Now, that is like a roller coaster, isn't it?

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Forrest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." Being a candy connoisseur, I can appreciate that on many levels. There are few things worse than biting into a delicious looking piece of chocolate, expecting sweet gooey caramel, only to get a burst of  something gross like liquid hazelnut (or your own version of that! Many people don't like the fruit/jelly filled ones but those are my favorites!)

You can compare life to many different things, but the truth is all of those things are a part of life. There are ups and downs, there is joy, sadness, peaceful moments and terrifying ones. Sometimes you take a bite of something and it's delicious, but sometimes it's bitter or what you eat makes you puke! It all happens. It's all part of this glorious thing called being human.

To say my life has been full of change recently is the understatement of the year. Some of it has been brutally painful and some of it has been blissful. But it's all been the consequences of choices I made. Were those the "right" choices? I think so. I've been continuously motivated by following my heart and doing what was best for me at each moment.

It's funny how much that can change, isn't it? For me, what was best in January was a complete turnaround from what I needed two months later. But I never would have known that if I hadn't leapt, if I hadn't made some bold, scary choices and tried some new things. I could have sat around thinking I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone on that adventure? but now I know. I went, I did a lot of cool stuff and learned a ton about myself. You can't fake that or bring it about through any other circumstance than when it's actually happening.

Life is life. We only get one so we should give it all we've got. I know that's cliche but it's truth! So whatever it is you're going to do with yours, do it with gusto! Strap yourself into that roller coaster or reach blindly for a piece of chocolate. Don't second guess yourself and don't apologize for your choices!