Put It On The List

This year, my birthday gift to myself was to get my hair cut short and colored in shades of blacks and reds. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time. The next day, while I was squinting at myself in the bathroom mirror trying to decide if I liked my hair or not, I thought Boy, I just do whatever I want anymore. This could get dangerous. I meant dangerous in a good way (Is that a thing?) I've had one adventure after another this year and I like it!

In August, I ran a 180 mile relay race with 11 other people through the Teton Mountains. It's not the type of thing I ever imagined doing and while I don't think I'll ever do another relay, it changed my parameters when it comes to running and what I'm capable of. Prior to that race, I'd never run more than six miles at a time. Now I'm looking at vacationraces.com saying "A half marathon through Zion National Park? Sure, let's do it!"

My husband running in the Grand Teton Relay

These new realizations of my capabilities (with my hair and my running) have led me to re-evaluate my Bucket List.

I've had a Bucket List for years. I started it after watching The Secret and becoming enamored with The Law of Attraction and gratitude. I figured if there were things I wanted to do, I should write them down so I could focus on them. Occasionally I'll encounter someone else who has a Bucket List, but I've never met anyone else who keeps a physical list with them. I write my list at the back of whichever notebook I'm currently using for writing, which goes with me everywhere. That means every couple of months I have to transcribe it into a new book. It helps me remember what's on there and why, and it prompts me to think about how I can make some of those things happen for me.

Playing roller derby was on my Bucket List. I made that happen. As I've discussed before, derby was a powerful force in my life that showed me I can literally do anything I want to. That was the first thing I ever crossed off my Bucket List and let me tell you, that's an awesome feeling! This January I crossed another item off my list-a visit to Mount Rushmore.

A few weeks ago, my husband told me he's going to make his own list. I responded first with raised eyebrows, because of course I have been trying to get him to do this for years, but I quickly threw in words of encouragement! He explained, however that he doesn't want to call it a Bucket List. First of all because it implies he's going to kick the bucket and he doesn't like to acknowledge his own mortality (okay...) but mostly because Adventure List feels like a more fitting title for him. I like that idea.

Of course, my hubby's attitude caused me to re-think the title of my own list. I do kinda internally cringe at the thought that what I'm saying is "Hey, here's a list of things I want to do before I die," even though I know that's exactly what it is. But then again, isn't that what all of life is, really? I don't know that I want to change the title of my list so much as re-purpose it to Bucket List as in I want to fill up my bucket of life, instead of kicking over an empty bucket when the time comes.

Me running in the Grand Teton Relay

It has taken me a lot of time, tears, therapy and trial and error to find this "dangerous" adventurous part of myself and welcome her. It's certainly not something that can be perfected. Some days are happier and easier than others. During that relay race, which went for 36 hours, I didn't get any sleep and I pushed my body past its limits. Near the end, my feelings were hurt by something a teammate said. I cried and said "I'm done." I let someone else run my last leg. I was done and I couldn't push myself any more. It was not my best moment. Some of the other people on the team asked my husband "Isn't she going to be disappointed? Won't she feel bad about herself for not running the last leg?" and knowing me as well as he does, he reassured them that I was going to be just fine.

Am I disappointed I didn't finish my final leg? Yes and no. I ran as hard and as fast as I could for my first two, one of which was at 4am. I'm proud of that. I was more reactive than I like to be by getting upset, but that was real. That was me as raw as I could be, in front of a bunch of strangers. It wasn't pretty, but it was me and I don't feel bad about that.

Running a relay wasn't on my Bucket List but I kinda want to put it on there just so I can cross it off! That was a huge accomplishment and a hell of a life experience!

Now whenever I think of something I want to do or have or a place I want to visit, I turn to my list. I want to own a tank of sea horses, drive a race car and have a beer with Dave Matthews. What do you want to do? Just put it on your list!

A Stranger In A Strange Town

Me in the bank vault at a Starbucks!

As I've traveled from town to town in the U.S. during the past several weeks, I've noticed a few things. While every community is a little different, they're all pretty much the same. There's an Applebee's, a Wal-Mart and a Home Depot. One morning I walked my dog outside my hotel, staring out at the vast Sam's Club parking lot and beyond to a strip mall behind a busy intersection, groggy before I had any coffee, and I actually forgot where I was for a moment! There were no distinguishing characteristics to remind me what city I was in. 

I'm sure people who live in these places would disagree with me. I know each town has its own history and appealing qualities. I found one Ohio suburb particularly charming after noticing an abundance of repurposed buildings. I browsed in a book store that used to be a church and visited two Starbucks that used to be banks, one of which still features a vault! I saw a liquor store that used to be a church and a Christian academy topped with a giant lighthouse, which I'm guessing was previously something sea food related! 

In each chain restaurant sits a familiar cast of characters, the hung over college kids having breakfast at IHOP, the elderly couple having a 4pm dinner at Bob Evans, blue collar men in grease stained Carharts having beers at the restaurant bar. People complain about the weather or politics, they cheer the local sports team playing on the flat screen TVs. 

For the most part people are friendly, if maybe a bit cautious. A waitress who asked to see my ID wanted to know what brought me from Montana to an O'Charley's in Ohio on a Tuesday night at 10pm in the snow. 

A couple weeks ago I went to a Columbus Blue Jackets hockey game, to root for the away team which is "my team", the Philadelphia Flyers. I felt a little guilty, wearing my bright orange and cheering against the home team but since I grew up outside of Philadelphia, I couldn't help it! When a group of Philly fans started a chant of "Let's go Flyers!" the twenty something guy seated in front of me (who gave me a nice view of his hairy butt crack each time he stood, despite the fact that he was wearing a belt) returned the cheer in the same tune with "You live in Ohio!" It struck me as interesting that he assumed all of the several thousand sports fans in the arena live nearby. I don't live in Ohio and I was there. I think it's interesting to see how some people aren't able to see much past their own personal bubble.

As I've aged, I've noticed that people's opinions are based on their own life experience. And if they don't have much of that, they tend to go with what they've seen or been told while growing up. That young guy at the hockey game probably couldn't yet imagine a life where he traveled to a different city to see his favorite team play. Just like the people who didn't support me going on this adventure probably haven't ever had the opportunity or desire to take bold action, to demand change in life, to shake things up. 

There are things I miss about home: my purple comforter, my sweet little Boston Terrier, home made food, having a daily routine. And there are things I certainly don't miss: house work, obligatory dinner parties, shoveling snow. It's nice to go to the hotel desk when I need more toilet paper, trash bags and even coffee. There's a part of me that could maintain this lifestyle indefinitely and another part that's just really tired. Not having a place to settle is fun and appealing. It's not as scary as I thought it might be. One of the most frustrating parts has simply been figuring out how to operate a new shower/faucet every few days! But I'm also constantly reminded that I don't have a home base right now which can sometimes leave a gal feeling a bit disconnected.

I've learned some incredible things about myself in the weeks since I left Montana, and about the people I love. I've learned who my real friends are and what parts of the country I'll choose to bypass in the future! I've realized how important adventure is to me, experiencing new places and things. I've seen my toughness and my weak spots. And although I already knew it, I've realized how important and amazing my dog, Charlie, is. He's made more friends on this adventure than I have! 

I know I still have a lot to learn about myself and about life. In the near future, I will face a lot more unknowns. They're intimidating. I don't know exactly where I'm going next. That's exhilarating and terrifying both at the same time, which is the evidence I need to know I need to push ahead. 

We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Blog Posts

Me at The Bean in Millennium Park in Chicago last week

One of the most frustrating, yet most beautiful things about being human is that the Earth keeps spinning when we're faced with a crisis and it feels like everything has screeched to a halt. Even if it's not a catastrophe, life altering change can make me want to hang a sign on my front door that says "This household is dealing with some serious shit, please come back another time" and hide under my bed until I've recovered. But life doesn't work that way. No matter what I'm dealing with, the world continues to move along; my work place is still busy, my mother still calls (and calls and calls), UPS still knocks to deliver a package. Summer before last, shortly after my dog died, the home owners association sent a letter stating people were complaining about the unsightliness of our lawn and I thought How in the hell can anyone care about the lawn at a time like this? But they did care, because everyone else's life went along as usual.

Fortunately, I have not been dealing with a catastrophic loss such as that recently, but life as I know it has changed and that's always scary, even when it's exciting. Over the past few years, The Universe has nudged me a couple times. It gave me opportunities for change and I turned it down, both times, instead choosing the safe, comfortable route. And so The Universe has brought a battering ram this time and it is speaking to me loud and clear.

I've been absent from the blogosphere for a while. I apologize. I know it makes some of my friends nervous. This tends to happen to me when I have a lot going on in my personal life. If I'm dealing with a situation I can't publicly write about, I have a hard time "ignoring" it and writing about other stuff. I still write a ton, but I can't bring myself to post. Such is the life of a non-fiction writer, I suppose...

Details will be emerging shortly, I promise. I'm on an adventure and I'm documenting it every step of the way, and I'll share it when the time is right! In the mean time, know that I'm safe and writing A LOT, and prepare for lots of pictures of my dog, Charlie, as he accompanies me on my journey!

Me & Charlie, nap time at the hotel