Put It On The List

This year, my birthday gift to myself was to get my hair cut short and colored in shades of blacks and reds. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time. The next day, while I was squinting at myself in the bathroom mirror trying to decide if I liked my hair or not, I thought Boy, I just do whatever I want anymore. This could get dangerous. I meant dangerous in a good way (Is that a thing?) I've had one adventure after another this year and I like it!

In August, I ran a 180 mile relay race with 11 other people through the Teton Mountains. It's not the type of thing I ever imagined doing and while I don't think I'll ever do another relay, it changed my parameters when it comes to running and what I'm capable of. Prior to that race, I'd never run more than six miles at a time. Now I'm looking at vacationraces.com saying "A half marathon through Zion National Park? Sure, let's do it!"

My husband running in the Grand Teton Relay

These new realizations of my capabilities (with my hair and my running) have led me to re-evaluate my Bucket List.

I've had a Bucket List for years. I started it after watching The Secret and becoming enamored with The Law of Attraction and gratitude. I figured if there were things I wanted to do, I should write them down so I could focus on them. Occasionally I'll encounter someone else who has a Bucket List, but I've never met anyone else who keeps a physical list with them. I write my list at the back of whichever notebook I'm currently using for writing, which goes with me everywhere. That means every couple of months I have to transcribe it into a new book. It helps me remember what's on there and why, and it prompts me to think about how I can make some of those things happen for me.

Playing roller derby was on my Bucket List. I made that happen. As I've discussed before, derby was a powerful force in my life that showed me I can literally do anything I want to. That was the first thing I ever crossed off my Bucket List and let me tell you, that's an awesome feeling! This January I crossed another item off my list-a visit to Mount Rushmore.

A few weeks ago, my husband told me he's going to make his own list. I responded first with raised eyebrows, because of course I have been trying to get him to do this for years, but I quickly threw in words of encouragement! He explained, however that he doesn't want to call it a Bucket List. First of all because it implies he's going to kick the bucket and he doesn't like to acknowledge his own mortality (okay...) but mostly because Adventure List feels like a more fitting title for him. I like that idea.

Of course, my hubby's attitude caused me to re-think the title of my own list. I do kinda internally cringe at the thought that what I'm saying is "Hey, here's a list of things I want to do before I die," even though I know that's exactly what it is. But then again, isn't that what all of life is, really? I don't know that I want to change the title of my list so much as re-purpose it to Bucket List as in I want to fill up my bucket of life, instead of kicking over an empty bucket when the time comes.

Me running in the Grand Teton Relay

It has taken me a lot of time, tears, therapy and trial and error to find this "dangerous" adventurous part of myself and welcome her. It's certainly not something that can be perfected. Some days are happier and easier than others. During that relay race, which went for 36 hours, I didn't get any sleep and I pushed my body past its limits. Near the end, my feelings were hurt by something a teammate said. I cried and said "I'm done." I let someone else run my last leg. I was done and I couldn't push myself any more. It was not my best moment. Some of the other people on the team asked my husband "Isn't she going to be disappointed? Won't she feel bad about herself for not running the last leg?" and knowing me as well as he does, he reassured them that I was going to be just fine.

Am I disappointed I didn't finish my final leg? Yes and no. I ran as hard and as fast as I could for my first two, one of which was at 4am. I'm proud of that. I was more reactive than I like to be by getting upset, but that was real. That was me as raw as I could be, in front of a bunch of strangers. It wasn't pretty, but it was me and I don't feel bad about that.

Running a relay wasn't on my Bucket List but I kinda want to put it on there just so I can cross it off! That was a huge accomplishment and a hell of a life experience!

Now whenever I think of something I want to do or have or a place I want to visit, I turn to my list. I want to own a tank of sea horses, drive a race car and have a beer with Dave Matthews. What do you want to do? Just put it on your list!

You're Welcome

I was out for a run this afternoon when I felt compelled to stop and take this picture

                   

I'm sure you can guess that part of the reason I like this route is for the view. Running toward those mountains always makes me feel strong, like I'm officially a Montanan. Especially on days like this when it's barely over 30 degrees and my nose is running so much it's dripping onto my chest. I snapped the picture, put my glove back on and continued on my way.  I was headed toward home, thinking about the post I wanted to write today. I tend to get great ideas when I run so I do a lot of writing/editing in my head.  As I approached a crosswalk, I slowed my pace with my eyes on a black car, trying to figure out if it was turning my way when-BAM- it was crashed into by a white pick up truck. I'm not sure if I said "Holy shit" out loud (I think I did), but I was also thinking "Woah, I'm a witness". The black car had spun around and was stopped in the middle of intersection, the white truck still up against it so I jogged over to make sure everyone was okay. Everything happened fast but at that moment I remember seeing several vehicles going around the accident, and I was surprised that no one else was stopping. Everyone involved was okay but no one had a phone and someone asked me to call 911. Once police were on the way I made sure (again) that everyone was okay, pushed my ear buds back into place and ran home. 

What a rush! Talk about being in the right place at the right time! If I hadn't stopped to snap that photo and admire the view, I would have been just a little further along the path and might not have seen the accident. As my Nikes crunched on the snow in my driveway, I let out a big exhale and thought "I am so glad I was there to help". And this leads me back to my original idea for today's post that was going through my head as I ran...

This is the fifth day of the Gratitude Project I wrote about in my last post. Each day I've been posting a FaceBook status that lists three positive things about the day. Maybe you're doing something similar or have friends who are. Just a few days into November, I'm noticing something I wasn't expecting. (Although I suppose I should have been, it is FaceBook after all.) People are complaining about other people's daily posts of gratitude! When I saw the first comment a few days ago, I cocked my head and read it again. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. The next day I saw another person's comment which was clearly not a joke. Today I say a meme that said "November- When people who complain on FaceBook for 11 months are suddenly thankful every day". I wanted to shout into my computer and across the internet "YES! YES! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!" Everybody complains, it's human nature. I like to think I don't do it much, especially on FaceBook but I know I'm guilty at times. Everybody needs to vent. The friends I've seen posting daily words of thanks are people from all over the country, from every walk of life. Some of them haven't surprised me by participating but a few of them have. To me, that's the beauty of this. That's the whole point! You can be grumpy for 11 months and then think "Oh crap, it's the month of Thanksgiving, I should really think about what I'm grateful for", or you can post what you're thankful for every single day of the year, I don't care. I like to think that maybe someone who's been down in the dumps might see my posts of gratitude and think twice before they gripe about whatever is under their skin. I know that's some serious wishful thinking but hey, I'm an optimist.

Not everybody is full of gratitude every day. That's fine. Bad stuff happens, I get it. We lose loved ones, lose jobs, cars break down, people and pets get sick. It sucks. It makes us feel hopeless. Trust me, I've been there. But I know that when I've been down that low I would never have recovered had I not been able to find other positive things around me. It doesn't happen right away and it's certainly easier said than done, but it's the truth.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection in recent months. I've been reading about meditation, karma,  a path to awakening. Everything I read tells me the same thing, which I've now come to see as true with my entire being: Our joy and suffering is not caused by what happens to us but by how we respond to it. The reason I write for this blog is the same reason I post my FaceBook statuses; I want to share my experiences with others and connect with people who can relate to them and view the world as I do. Everybody likes different things. If someone doesn't like what I write, I can't let that stop me.  I have faith that The Universe guides me to be where I need to be and my run today was a perfect example.