I Really Don't Know What Time It Is

Two years ago, I stopped wearing a watch and replaced it with a bracelet that reads "Be Here Now.”

One of my personal resolutions over the past couple of years has been to work on being present and aware in my daily life. Far too often I found myself in the middle of a task I wasn't focused on, instead my mind was running through a ticker tape of all the stuff I need to do next. I realized I was missing out on the joy in experiences because I simply couldn't sit still and enjoy them.

On a recent evening, as my other half was considering some pre-dinner preparations, he asked me "Do we have time for this? About an hour and a half?" I looked up from what I was reading to reply "Sure. We've got all the time in the world. We're not on a schedule." With one eyebrow raised, he asked "Who is this new Ramona?"

He's justified in being surprised at my laxidazical attitude toward time. A year or two ago, I would have been stressed about the fact that it was "dinner time." For the majority of my life, I've clung to beliefs that certain things need to be done at certain times. That's how I was raised. Thanks to having a mom who always had me arrive an embarrassing thirty minutes early for any school or social function, I'd come to believe that promptness was a life or death issue. If you're going to be late, you might as well not show up at all.

As I grew up, I saw that not everyone held that belief as firmly as my mother and I did. Sure, it's understood that one should try to be on time for a commitment but that's generally about as far as it goes. I had professors who were always late, then worked for bosses who couldn’t show up on time. There was a time when I thought less of those people; You expect me to be on time but you can't be? I begrudgingly thought to myself. I started to realize that actually no, those people didn't put any expectations on me, I was putting them on myself. Sure, you can't be chronically late to work or there are consequences (usually) but occasionally, it happens. The alarm doesn't go off (or-gasp-you fall asleep without setting it), you get stuck in traffic or the roads are icy or any number of  hinderances that lurk between Point A and Point B. Still, I held tightly to my belief that I  had to be on time and if the people around me cared about me and my selves, they would be on time too.

Then I moved to Montana.

On multiple occasions, I've gotten behind a car with a bumper sticker that asks "Did you move here to be in a hurry?" Well...I guess the answer is no...

Montana slowed me down. A lot. Maybe it's the open space and the long distances between towns. Maybe it's the mountains, the fresh air, and/or the outdoorsy lifestyles but people who live in Montana have a different energy than people in the rest of the country. 

I moved to Bozeman eight years ago, after living in the Raleigh-Durham area of North Carolina for close to a decade. I liked it there but headed West after my divroce, in search of a fresh start closer to my personal support system. After only a couple of weeks in my new home, it occurred to me just now welcome my lifestyle change was; No more daily commutes on the belt line in rush hour traffic, no hour long waits at the grocery store check out, and I felt safe walking my dog alone in the evenings.

My “Be Here Now” bracelet was custom made for me by a roller derby teammate who is a metal smith. The one I wear now is actually the second version because I wore the first one so much that it broke in half! My sweet friend made my second bracelet out of a stronger metal after taking measurements and other efforts to make sure this one would last me a long time. 

I glance at my bracelet when I need reassurance. When I’m feeling anxious, or rushed or uncomfortable, I look at the blocky letters to remind me to take a deep breath (I’m considering getting a second bracelet that reads “Just Breathe”) and stay with whatever situation and emotion I’m facing. 

Even after two years, I still occasionally look at my wrist when I want to know what time it is. It’s still a reflex after decades of wearing a watch, I suppose. And while there are certainly times when I genuinely do need to know what time it is, I’ve realized most of the time it doesn’t actually matter. And when it does matter, like for work, there's a clock I can look at, or I can always check my phone.

The result of my lacking a time piece constantly attached to my body is that I now “run behind” more than I ever have in my life. *GASP* And I’m still alive, still cruising along just fine. 

Sure, it’s stressful to me at times. I still believe that being on time proves your dedication to the task at hand and I don’t want to be late. But sometimes it happens. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t mean I’m giving the finger to the person I’m supposed to meet. Sometimes I just don’t get there exactly when I said I would. 

I’ve come to realize I was a slave to time for the majority of my life. Now, I’m likely to text a friend to say I’m running behind or ask to push dinner back by 30 minutes so I’m not rushing around like a maniac. 

I’ve learned that my time is valuable and precious. I’ve only got so much of it each day. I want to enjoy what I’m doing when I’m doing it and spend less time in the future or the past. 

How do you feel about time? Do you wear a watch? If so why or why not. I’d love to know!

X is for Xanadu

Here we are at the third to last day of the A to Z Challenge and it's the first time I've gotten stuck coming up with a subject for a letter! These last three have had me a bit stumped so I turned to my shelf of writing books for inspiration.

Rogert's Thesaurus of Words for Intellectuals defines xanadu as "A place of perfect, idyllic beauty."

(I know it's also a reference from Citizen Kane and a movie from the 80's but I can't tie those into a life lesson!)

When I left home on my adventure, I was not only re-evaluating my relationship with my partner but also my relationship with myself and with the place I live. 

Earlier this month, I wrote about how Montana has changed me. It's an incredible place. "Perfect, idyllic beauty" couldn't sum it up any better. I'm continuously amazed by how much open space and untouched land exists here. But for all the ways that Montana is lovely and majestic, it is also harsh. Winters are long and sub-zero temperatures can make daily life challenging. Your car won't start, the gas pumps don't want to work and staying outside too long can be a health risk. Spring finally creeps in with summer right behind it. Then suddenly there are forest fires and the air is tinged with smoke for weeks at a time. By fall, everyone is praying for snow again to quench the earth. It's an endless cycle.

Any Montanan can tell you, it's not easy to live here. There are reasons we do it and those are a little different for everyone. For me, it's the raw beauty of the place. People travel from all over the world to see what I get to view on a daily basis.

I've lived in many different cities in four different states and I've done a lot of traveling in the U.S. I've learned that no place is going to be a perfect place to live all the time. There are going to be moments of pure joy that make the rest of the time worth it. It's important to find the place that gives you the most number of those moments. For me, right now, that's Montana.

So my life lesson here is: find your own xanadu, the place you long for when you're away. You don't necessarily have to live there, but spend as much time there as you can. It will feed your soul!

Where is your personal xanadu?

O is for Outside

When I moved in Montana in 2007, I was seeking change and a fresh start. I got much more than I bargained for!

Montana has changed me in ways both physical and non. I'm stronger and more independent. I appreciate solitude and nature, and enjoy a slower pace to my lifestyle.

The most valuable lesson Montana has taught me is that sometimes, I just need to get outside!

There is a power and energy that comes with being out in nature that cannot be replicated any other way. The serenity that I find while riding a chairlift is something I have not experienced elsewhere. Being suspended above the earth, gliding through the tress during a lightly falling snow, is incredible. Hiking to a mountain peak and viewing the entire valley that is my home is invigorating. Living in a place that provides me with the opportunity to have honest to goodness adventures on a regular basis was something I hadn't considered when I moved here. I'm glad I didn't have any preconceived notions about this aspect of my lifestyle because I was able to discover  activities that I enjoy without being on a search for them.



Being outside doesn't always have to be an epic adventure. Sometimes it's as simple as a walk through the neighborhood with my dogs or sitting beside my backyard pond. For me it's about taking breaths, maybe getting my heart rate up, and feeling sunshine (or snow or rain!) What it comes down to is feeling alive!

I came upon this video on YouTube a couple years ago and fell in love with it immediately. Not only do I adore Jason Mraz and anything Muppet related, I appreciate the message the song is sending. It's sweet and fun but also important.

What does being outside do for you? What are your favorite ways to enjoy nature?

Another Season Of Change

September first always feels like the beginning of a new phase for me. My birthday was one week ago and school used to start shortly after Labor Day so this week has always been one of transition that I look forward to. The first of this month is the official start of fall in my mind. I like fall a lot. I like wearing more clothes than summer requires, I like the cool mornings and evenings and that certain slant the sunlight has now. I first noticed it a couple weeks ago, it always happens all of a sudden that I notice the afternoon shadows seem different and I sigh Ahh, it's almost fall.

I like when it gets dark at 8pm. That seems like a reasonable time for evening. I'm a big fan of going to bed "early" and I hate it when it's light until 10pm in the summer. That encourages people to be out doing stuff when I consider that "late at night" and want to be home in my pajamas!

I realize that 8pm darkness is a precursor to 5pm darkness and I do not like that, but I believe the cycle is important. We need to have a most favorite and least favorite of things to keep us moving forward.

The visible season change is a relief to me. (We saw our first snow, in the mountains, on August 24th!) Summer in Montana has a frantic energy because everyone is trying to squeeze in their activities and parties into the short window we have for nice weather. There's always an underlying pressure of I should be outside while I have the chance whenever I'm indoors during the summer. That's why the timing of my concussion has been particularly tough on me. I've had to turn down invitations and lay inside on beautiful days and it sucks!

 I'm still working on this whole "Surrender to what is" process and I'm making progress. I've been doing an unbelievable amount of reading and writing (which I'm grateful to have the ability to do) and I've been catching up on a long list of movies I want to see. I'm working four days a week, six hours a day and when I get home I'm usually worn out and I don't do a darn thing most days. At first that made me feel lazy and anxious. Like most women, I have a never ending list of things around the house that need my attention but I've tossed it aside for now. When I feel motivated, I do something. If not, I don't. Isn't that an amazing concept?! It seems so simple but until now I'd never been able to pull it off! I'd force myself to get one more chore done before calling it a day. The change certainly hasn't been easy. Sometimes I ask for the assistance of my other half, as in "Please tell me not to worry about vacuuming" and he'll always comply!

So as I welcome fall today, I welcome change. I have the windows open and I cleaned the carpets in my bedroom, because it was long overdue and I finally felt inspired to do it! Instead of moving down the list to the next task, I'm writing this. Later I might feel anxious about not getting more done but I might not...I'm trying to take in one moment at a time.

This Is Only A Test

Like the majority of the country, we've had our fair share of harsh weather here in Montana this winter. In fact, this week we had another spell of sub-zero temperatures more extreme than the last time, but fortunately they didn't stick around as long. Wednesday night brought us our lowest temperatures yet this season at -32 (and that was without the windchill factor!). My car wouldn't start for two days and neither of our vehicles would start Thursday morning. I'll admit I'm a home body but there's a certain point where not being able to leave the house starts to drive me a little batty! I was finally able to get out and run some errands Friday afternoon and I was thrilled! But with the cold, the wind and snowy road conditions, I was happy to get back home after a couple hours! Once the sun goes down, the temperatures drop quickly and by 7pm it was -15 and I was on my couch wrapped in my Snuggie with a glass of whiskey watching The Walking Dead.

The cold gray days, coupled with my inability to leave the house had me in a funk most of the week. I felt low and irritable. I skipped roller derby practice and started an argument with my boyfriend over the laundry. All of that is out of character for me. I was generally grumpy and I wallowed in it. Then, I started noticing all the FaceBook posts from my friends in the North East who were without power due to the ice storm. I also had a couple friends in Montana who had to deal with a broken furnace during our cold spell. For as much as people complain about FaceBook, it can really serve a purpose at times. It was kinda the slap in the face that I needed to see straight again. Even when I'm out of sorts, there's so much to be grateful for.

Thankfully the temperatures have gone up over the weekend, and with that came a whole lot of snow. I'm sure glad shoveling is good exercise! Today was finally sunny and clear with a crisp temperature of 18 degrees above zero. That was cause for celebration! This afternoon was beautiful and I was finally able to get outside with the dogs. We got about 8-10 inches of light fluffy snow this weekend, on top of what was already out there. I shuffled around the back yard, knee deep in the white stuff, while my boyfriend put in some time on his cross country skis.

This was the first time my puppy has experienced this much snow. It was pretty fun to watch! He took one pounce into snow that was higher than his shoulders and he seemed to realize that wasn't much fun. I shoveled him some paths and he stuck to them, happily biting at the snow and barking at the other dog who is big enough to handle the deeper parts of the yard. A couple months ago, I thought it was a bad idea to have gotten a puppy right before winter. It has definitely made housebreaking challenging when it's well below zero. But over the last couple weeks, I've realized it was probably better this way. He's been growing up during a harsh winter and it's made him tougher than I expected. He doesn't know any different so he asks to go out even in the worst conditions. My older dog however, he seems to know that winter doesn't last forever and he's quite content to wait it out on the couch!

Tinsley's first big snow

Our backyard fire pit & benches

People often ask me how I can live in a place with such extreme winter conditions. It definitely took some getting used to. I've lived in other parts of the country, places where two inches of snow shut down a city for a day. There's no such thing as a snow day here. Ever. It's not always easy but it keeps me balanced. When I start getting tired of winter, I remind myself how eager we always are for it to arrive, particularly at the end of an especially bad fire season. The Gallatin Valley is spectacular, even when it's dangerously cold outside. When I'm stuck inside I try to make the most of it by reading, writing, baking or binge watching shows on NetFlix! 

It's easy for me slip into that pattern of thinking "Oh, things will be better when ____________" or "I'll feel better once I __________". I get crabby and blame the weather or my car or any number of external factors, but really this is just The Universe testing me. When I'm forced to stay at home and really sit with myself, when I do a lot of writing and thinking, I can see that the only one who has the power to change things for me is me. It's a tough thing to admit. I basically had to look at myself in the mirror and say "Stop being a sad bitch. It doesn't serve you." Then I took a long hot shower, with some Dave Matthews Band blaring in the bathroom and I felt better. I'm trying to not be hard on myself. So I had a couple rough days, big deal. I've recovered from having a couple rough years before so this is nothing! This is where having a gratitude practice has become so important to me. I have a supportive partner, friends who let me vent and make me laugh, dogs who keep me company, books to read, people who read what I write, teammates who challenge me to grow. That's a lot of cool stuff. So what if my car won't start?!

Cabin Fever

After several weeks battling various degrees of sickness, I finally started to feel like myself again over the weekend. I was a bit antsy by Monday, after about ten days of barely leaving the house, so I treated myself to a trip to the grocery store. I wasn't even going for cough drops or Kleenex this time! It was a dreary day, with a mix of snow and rain falling throughout the morning. Luckily I returned home just before the temperature started dropping and the precipitation turned to snow for good. Then the temperatures dropped some more. On Tuesday, I stayed home, peering out the windows feeling as if I were stuck in a snow globe. Then the temperatures dropped even more. Here's a screen shot of my phone from 7:30 this morning:

With the windchill it was -30! Temperatures this low certainly aren't uncommon in this part of Montana. We almost always see a few days each year than dip below zero but this is a bit earlier in the winter than usual and it's sticking around longer too. I read in the paper that we could be getting the lowest temperatures over a ten day period in over 40 years. Even though we might experience these temperatures every year or so, it still feels absolutely brutal. You can't be outside for long with exposed skin, it can take half an hour to get your car cleaned off and warmed up, and everything is much slower like gas pumps and commutes. I know what you're thinking: Yes, it's Montana and yes people choose to live here. For the most part life goes on regularly no matter how cold it is or how much snow we get. We have plenty of inventions that make life safer and easier under these conditions like down coats, balaclavas and block heaters for our car engines. But no matter how warm I'm dressed or how prepared I try to be for winter, it always makes me throw up my hands and say "Okay Mother Nature, I get it. You're in charge." 

So even though I'm feeling better and ready to return to the world and run errands, I've stayed inside with my dogs all week as I wait out the cold snap. I've been writing, getting housework done and  watching 30Rock on NetFlix, but I'll admit I'm starting to get bored. Now that my bronchitis is gone and I can finally exercise it's too cold to run, even on the treadmill in the garage. I'm getting my cardio from playing dancing games with the XBox Kinect, which is fine but it doesn't give my dogs much chance for exercise (they just aren't very good dance partners). Instead of letting the pooches into the back yard and taking advantage of a petless kitchen to sweep the floor, I stay at the door  so I can let them in as soon as they're finished. My poor Boston Terrier puppy can barely stay out there long enough to pee on a snowy corner of the patio before darting back in. Needless to say, our housebreaking has taken a couple steps backward recently. Even my Saint Bernard mix, who likes to leisurely inspect his territory and is typically stoic when it comes to weather conditions, does his business close to the house and trots directly back to the door. 

Having five pets who enjoy the outdoors be stuck inside for days on end certainly creates some entertainment. I actually think it has forced some major steps when it comes to everyone getting along. 

Thankfully the puppy has only gotten into trouble in ways that are cute, funny and not harmful to himself. I'm constantly amazed at how quickly he can go from a dead sleep to wreaking havoc. He's keeping me on my toes, that's for sure!

Today was the first day of sunshine all week, so this afternoon when it "warmed up" to zero degrees, I started my car for the first time since Monday. It didn't start on the first try but it started. My driver's side door was frozen shut and I almost landed on my butt when it finally opened, but I was just thankful the handle didn't break off in my hand. As I drove to check the mail (the bank of mail boxes is a half mile from my house), I thought of a George Carlin quote a friend of mine in Florida often says to me when I talk about Montana winters. I'm paraphrasing here but it goes something like "I'll never live in a place where I might die of exposure going to the mailbox." That usually makes me roll my eyes but today it would be a valid concern! One of the reasons people choose to live in Montana is for all the outdoor recreation opportunities. I love to ski and snowshoe but not when it's below zero! What makes it worthwhile for me is that even though I couldn't stay outside for very long today, this is the view from my driveway:

I might have a case of cabin fever but at least I know I won't die from it!

You're Welcome

I was out for a run this afternoon when I felt compelled to stop and take this picture

                   

I'm sure you can guess that part of the reason I like this route is for the view. Running toward those mountains always makes me feel strong, like I'm officially a Montanan. Especially on days like this when it's barely over 30 degrees and my nose is running so much it's dripping onto my chest. I snapped the picture, put my glove back on and continued on my way.  I was headed toward home, thinking about the post I wanted to write today. I tend to get great ideas when I run so I do a lot of writing/editing in my head.  As I approached a crosswalk, I slowed my pace with my eyes on a black car, trying to figure out if it was turning my way when-BAM- it was crashed into by a white pick up truck. I'm not sure if I said "Holy shit" out loud (I think I did), but I was also thinking "Woah, I'm a witness". The black car had spun around and was stopped in the middle of intersection, the white truck still up against it so I jogged over to make sure everyone was okay. Everything happened fast but at that moment I remember seeing several vehicles going around the accident, and I was surprised that no one else was stopping. Everyone involved was okay but no one had a phone and someone asked me to call 911. Once police were on the way I made sure (again) that everyone was okay, pushed my ear buds back into place and ran home. 

What a rush! Talk about being in the right place at the right time! If I hadn't stopped to snap that photo and admire the view, I would have been just a little further along the path and might not have seen the accident. As my Nikes crunched on the snow in my driveway, I let out a big exhale and thought "I am so glad I was there to help". And this leads me back to my original idea for today's post that was going through my head as I ran...

This is the fifth day of the Gratitude Project I wrote about in my last post. Each day I've been posting a FaceBook status that lists three positive things about the day. Maybe you're doing something similar or have friends who are. Just a few days into November, I'm noticing something I wasn't expecting. (Although I suppose I should have been, it is FaceBook after all.) People are complaining about other people's daily posts of gratitude! When I saw the first comment a few days ago, I cocked my head and read it again. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. The next day I saw another person's comment which was clearly not a joke. Today I say a meme that said "November- When people who complain on FaceBook for 11 months are suddenly thankful every day". I wanted to shout into my computer and across the internet "YES! YES! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!" Everybody complains, it's human nature. I like to think I don't do it much, especially on FaceBook but I know I'm guilty at times. Everybody needs to vent. The friends I've seen posting daily words of thanks are people from all over the country, from every walk of life. Some of them haven't surprised me by participating but a few of them have. To me, that's the beauty of this. That's the whole point! You can be grumpy for 11 months and then think "Oh crap, it's the month of Thanksgiving, I should really think about what I'm grateful for", or you can post what you're thankful for every single day of the year, I don't care. I like to think that maybe someone who's been down in the dumps might see my posts of gratitude and think twice before they gripe about whatever is under their skin. I know that's some serious wishful thinking but hey, I'm an optimist.

Not everybody is full of gratitude every day. That's fine. Bad stuff happens, I get it. We lose loved ones, lose jobs, cars break down, people and pets get sick. It sucks. It makes us feel hopeless. Trust me, I've been there. But I know that when I've been down that low I would never have recovered had I not been able to find other positive things around me. It doesn't happen right away and it's certainly easier said than done, but it's the truth.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection in recent months. I've been reading about meditation, karma,  a path to awakening. Everything I read tells me the same thing, which I've now come to see as true with my entire being: Our joy and suffering is not caused by what happens to us but by how we respond to it. The reason I write for this blog is the same reason I post my FaceBook statuses; I want to share my experiences with others and connect with people who can relate to them and view the world as I do. Everybody likes different things. If someone doesn't like what I write, I can't let that stop me.  I have faith that The Universe guides me to be where I need to be and my run today was a perfect example.

Nice Work!

Montana is the only place I've ever lived where people say congratulations when I tell them I'm harvesting from my garden. As I've mentioned before, gardening here is an ambitious effort. With an average growing season of 74 days, we often see our last frost in early June and our first one at the beginning of September. We live at a high altitude, deal with frequent high winds, hail, and poor soil conditions. At this time of year, we're often dealing with drought conditions combined with water restrictions, which can make caring for the plants extra tricky.

I will admit that my other half and I are a bit above average when it comes to our gardening efforts. This is our fourth summer gardening together and I like to think that we're starting to get the hang of it. We've learned what plants do well (peas, lettuce, squash) and what isn't worth the effort (corn, cabbage,  melons). We've brought in soil, which was deposited in our driveway in a hill and we moved it to the back yard with shovels, wheelbarrows and the help of family members. We start planning our garden in January and order seeds which we plant indoors beginning in March. This year we had a common problem in that our tomatoes were six inches tall and ready to go in the soil but it was still too cold to put them out.

The first few weeks that things are in the ground are always nerve wracking. Sometimes we have to cover plants overnight with tarps to avoid frost. But once June is in full swing and the days are long and sunny, things start to take root and flourish.

This summer is unique because I'm not working. I've been able to send much more time in the garden than previous summers. It has been therapeutic for me as well, as I've cried over and recovered from my loss, and thought about my future with my toes in the dirt. I'm usually pretty emotionally invested in the garden but this year I am even more so. I haven't decided if that's good or bad! I've lost a couple plants for various reasons and it really bums me out. My carrots are doing better than they ever have and I attribute that to all the time I've spent thinning, weeding and tilling around them. Earlier this week I harvested my first sugar snap peas. I bit into one right there in the garden. It was warm from the sun, sweet and crispy. I felt full inside, with pride and a sense of accomplishment different from previous harvests.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. There's never a good time for bad things to happen but the timing of everything that happened to me this spring couldn't have been better. If it was winter and I was cooped up in the house, I know my rough few weeks would have stretched on and on. Instead, even though I was sad or worried, I'd make myself go outside at least once a day to water the plants and check on them. I look forward to eating from the garden as the summer goes on, but especially this winter, when we'll eat salsas, jams and frozen veggies we've preserved. Even though it might remind me of a sad time, it will be proof of what I was able to do during that time. Sometimes it's amazing to me that I've accomplished anything at all over the past two months. If I can do this now, I know that when I'm healed and motivated, I will be able to conquer anything I put my mind to!

Hurry Up And Relax

This is probably my favorite time of year. Hot hazy mornings bring afternoon thunderstorms. Although today's storm has also brought hail, which makes me cringe asI imagine all my green leafy plants getting pummeled in my garden. I can't stand to look til it's over.

Summer in Montana is different than any other place I've lived. I'd even go so far to say it's a bit magical. I think it's because it's so brief that it's truly appreciated. The days are long and even the night time temperatures are warm. There are three glorious months where I don't have to worry about bad weather, unsafe road conditions or starting my car before I plan to leave the house. I can go anywhere I want at any time I want! This isn't something I ever appreciated before I moved here.

Of course summer does have some down sides (see above mentioned hail storm). One of the jokes among locals is that there are two seasons in Montana: winter and road construction. But even if I'm stuck idling in a dusty construction zone, my windows are down and I have an incredible view.

Along with the summers is a strange sense of pressure. Many summer activities have limitations: some hiking spots have snow most months of the year, the river levels get low, wild fires may start, etc. Just last night, I was having a conversation about how it's almost mid July and we haven't camped/gone back packing/gone fishing/gone rafting. We haven't even floated the river yet, we'd better hurry up! And all this has to be balanced with yard/garden care. We left for a weekend and the weeds were taking over by the time we got back!

So how do you find that balance? Not just with summer but with life in general. It's something I struggle with regularly. How can I manage to do the things I want to do (and enjoy them) without worrying about the things I must do? And what must I do? That's always subjective. I've been making huge efforts to change my ways of thinking and my lifestyle over the past year. That's why I'm no longer working at a job where I couldn't be myself. But it's hard to do things just for me. Like taking a hot summer Sunday to lay around the house when I should be outside doing an activity I won't be able to do two months from now. I guess I need to have a little more faith in myself and know that whatever I feel like doing is the right thing for me at the time. Now I just have to wait to feel inspired to do a 20 mile backpacking trip!

W is for Winter

Winter is not my favorite season. It might make you wonder then, why I choose to live in a place where it typically snows during at least nine months out of the year. Trust me, there are definitely some days when I wonder the same thing myself. Like when I'm shoveling a foot of snow in the dark at 6am or when it's 40 degrees below zero and going outdoors is unsafe due to risk of frost bite. But ask me on a day I'm skiing, with the sun shining in a blue sky or snowshoeing in the mountains to cut down my own Christmas tree and I'll tell you winter isn't so bad after all. Living here does take some getting used to, I'll give you that. The first winter I lived here, after moving from North Carolina, I spent most of the time inside. That makes for a loooong winter. By the following year, I knew I needed to learn how to enjoy the snowy season or I wouldn't be able to last long here. So I took skiing lessons and bought some used gear. Now I own both downhill and cross country skis and snow shoes plus lots of hats, gloves, mittens, long underwear, etc. My car has an engine block heater, which I have to plug in with an extension cord on cold nights so that it starts the next morning. My dogs wear coats and boots. I even have a "Happy Light" to get me through the long months of short days and minimal sunlight. It's not for everyone. I've found that the people who do live here are generally pretty happy and fit because they choose to stay here because they enjoy it. People who can't tolerate it tend to move away.


 I've lived in Montana for six years now and I'm still constantly amazed at the amazing experiences I have and the beautiful scenery I see on a daily basis. Yes, I've had to wear snow boots with fish net stockings to go to a roller derby event and it was cold but it was also kinda awesome. I think it does take a special kind of person to thrive here and I feel so lucky to know so many of them and to be making this my home.

H is for Hotsprings

Hot tubs and whirl pools are great but in my opinion, you haven’t really lived until you’ve soaked in an outdoor pool filled with hot water that’s coming directly out of the earth.  There is a large amount of geothermal activity in this part of Montana (Think Yellowstone Park, geysers, super volcano, etc) and as a result there are places where that results in natural hot springs available for our enjoyment. Some of them have been commercialized and turned into a lodge/resort, some are more like a public pool with entry for just a few dollars and other still are in untouched/natural areas where you can hike in, take a soak and hike back out.

My favorite of the hot springs I’ve visited is Norris Hot Springs. It’s the most rustic I’ve experienced. The pool is made of wood and there are places where you can feel the hot water pulsing up between the slats. I like visit hot springs because it’s always a fun, relaxing experience and it’s also a reminder of how amazing and powerful nature is.

This photo was taken last spring when I was staying at Jackson Hotsprings Lodge in Jackson, MT. I got up early in the morning to walk the dog and saw this stream, which ran near our cabin, steaming in the chill morning air. 

Winter Doldrums

                      

I haven't seen the sun in four days. Four cloudy, gray, winter days. I feel groggy and unmotivated, never quite able to shake that foggy headed morning feeling. The last time it was sunny was in the middle of an exceptionally cold spell that lasted several days. Temperatures were in the single digits with night time lows well below zero, but still the sun was shining.That can make a big difference between winter feeling like a tolerable necessity rather than a constant state of gloom. Now we're up to a balmy thirty five degrees in the afternoon but still no sun! Even the dogs seem to grow weary of the long days indoors. They ask to go out, circle the icy patio and ask to come back in, where they lay on the doormat and peer into the yard as if they're watching for spring to arrive. It will be a long wait. Typically I'm not such a Debbie Downer when it comes to winter. Montana has a lot to offer during the snowy months (and there are many of them). Personally I find the mountains even more spectacular when they are snow covered. However when clouds settle in and disrupt the views for days at a time, it can be tough to remember why one chooses to live in such a place. I will remember why in February when I am skiing on a perfect blue bird day and my winter doldrums are long gone, or in June when I'm hiking in a field full of blooming wild flowers. So today I'll just stay inside with the dogs and take a nap.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Thankful

       




             This year I've participated in what seems to have become a social media tradition. For each day of November, I wrote a FaceBook status describing something I was thankful for that day. Some days the post was long and meaningful, being thankful to have a loving supportive partner or being on a sports team that has encouraged my personal growth. But some days were simpler, like being thankful for my new tires after a big snow or at the end of a long stressful day being thankful for my hot tub or new pajamas. I typically write my post each evening so that I can reflect on the day and write about what I had appreciated most. There have only been a couple of days when I struggled to find one good thing, but there was always something there. I've made sure to pick a new thing each day. It was uplifting to see that I could recognize the good there is in my life, even after a crappy day. I've also really enjoyed seeing others posting what they are thankful for. It's inspiring to see my friends finding joy in their lives and realizing how similar we are, even at our most different. My friends are thankful for a nice glass of wine, a good meal, their child getting over a cold. Yet what I've noticed just as much as those posts are the people who aren't participating and instead are posting their regular updates, complaining about having a cold or a sore back or being called in to work on a day off. It's funny that I always can think of a response like "Be thankful that you have a job to be called in to" but I rarely share my opinion because I know it likely won't be appreciated. I wish I could help those people see the silver lining but I know from my own past that no one can force you to see it until your ready, and some people never do.
         So in this season of gratitude, here are some photos of the things I am most thankful for this year: My partner, my dogs, my roller skates, the beautiful place where I live and amazing home cooked meals.

     

Just The Sheets

           One of my coworkers has recently moved here from the south. Talking with her has me remembering what it was like to make that transition, as I moved here from North Carolina five years ago. One of the things that took some getting used to was how much “stuff” you need. If you want to be active and do fun stuff outdoors, you need a lot of gear. I think it's especially true for women because nine months of cold weather is a long time to be stuck wearing just a single coat and hat! When this winter began to set in, I gave her a couple of my older coats and a pair of like new hiking shoes that hurt my toes. My new friend has been very appreciative of my hand me downs. I’ve gotten a lot of joy out of sharing now only my things but my experiences.

            Over the weekend I went into my storage closet to dig out some sheets to give her for her new guest bed. I had a full bed when I lived alone but got rid of it when I moved in with my boyfriend and we now only have queen mattresses. I’ve boxed up a lot of my things left over from my single days that I don’t have use for but haven’t wanted  to get rid of. Initially I was glad that I could pass on my nice comforter set but as I pulled it from its box, I remembered how much I like it and a dreadful thought came to me: What if Reggie and I split up and I have to live by myself again? I was flooded with the memories of living on my own after my divorce and how proud I was of myself as I bought myself new things and made a life on my own. I was overwhelmed by a sense of panic: I don’t want to go through all that again!, I don’t want to get rid of my things! I love my things! Panic!

            “I can’t decide what to do about my sheets”, I said to Reggie sheepishly as we folded laundry together later in the evening.  He looked puzzled. What didn’t I know? Either I give them away or I don't, right?  So I explained myself: I have X number of sheet sets, dust ruffles and comforters. We have no use for them right now and I want to help my friend by giving them to her “But what if I have to live along again someday?” I sniffled, “I’ll want to have my things.”

            No amount of comforting from my boyfriend could ever convince me that I’ll never be single again. No one knows for sure what’s going to happen. I understand that and I honestly think I’m okay with it, as much as one really can be with the ever looming sense of the unknown.

            It’s just amazing to me how much emotion can be entwined with the objects we hold dear. Sure it’s a bedding set that can be easily replaced. But what it represents to me is so much more. So much history and it makes me feel better  to know it’s tucked away. 

A Little Bit Of Relief

   
     Earlier this week we received our first snow of the season and I'm pretty sure I heard the entire state of Montana breathe a collective sigh of relief. It's not that I'm in a hurry for winter to get here, but we've had a particularly hot dry summer that resulted in a dangerously long fire season. While the sudden drop in temperature takes a while to get used to, it's nice to have a change of scenery and wardrobe. It's time for jeans and hooded sweatshirts, almost time for hats and gloves. It feels good after several months of wearing out the same few pairs of shorts and t-shirts. I really enjoy this brief time of year when there is snow on the mountains but not yet here in the valley. The white mountains look stunning contrasted against the sky and dried grasses. In just a matter of weeks it will all be white and stay that way for what will feel like forever and then we'll be anxious to see the grass again in the spring. I enjoy living in Montana more than I ever thought I would. While the weather can be harsh, there is always a change to look forward to.  The mountains may stay the same but they always look different to me, some days hidden by the clouds or snow capped & bright in the sun. I never get tired of looking at them.
     

Seriously, where's the fire?

        Our most recent winter here in Montana was unusually mild and we all knew what that meant. We talked about it everywhere; with clients at work, with strangers in line at the grocery store “We really need more snow or we’re going to have horrible fires this summer”. Now here we are at the beginning of September, still experiencing one of our worst fire seasons in recent years. I certainly haven’t seen anything like this in the five years I’ve lived here.  I know there are other places that have had much worse fires than ours this year but really when it's the area that you live in and love and people your know being displaced, it's always terrible.  Thankfully the towns where I live and work haven’t been touched by fire but many people who live outside of the towns have been evacuated along with many poplar recreational areas. For the last couple weeks, I’ve gone about my regular routine while the air smells like a campfire and the smoke is so thick I can’t see the Bridger Mountains from my house one some days. There have been warnings that it isn’t safe to exercise outside and school children are being kept indoors for recess. Some days it’s hard to go about my normal business knowing how much damage is occurring and thinking of all the firefighters who are working around the clock to keep our towns safe. And even though I know my home is safe, it’s still a bit unnerving to be driving home and see something like this

Or to get of the interstate, look back toward Bozeman and see this

        I know that wildfires are a part of nature's cycle and a part of living in Montana. Other parts of the country have their own risks like tornadoes or earthquakes. I lived in the south for many years and experienced hurricanes but this is a little different. With a hurricane you have warning and then not much to do but get ready and wait it out. Here, it's a little different. Often I'll we'll arrive at work in the morning literally asking each other "Where's the fire?" and determining whether or not we have anything to worry about. Then we just wait, keep informed and hope for rain (without lightning). 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Merge

 

 

 

      Winter in Montana can be beautiful and enjoyable but it can also feel overbearing and endless at times. This photo is a perfect combination of all of the above. Sometimes on a frigid snowy day it can be hard to tell where the earth ends and the sky begins.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Purple

    I didn't fully understand "purple mountain majesties" until I moved to Montana. I live very close to the Bridger Mountain range and even though I see it all the time, I'm constantly amazed by the beauty of the mountains. I took this photo one evening early this year as I was walking in my neighborhood and feeling particularly stunned by the scenery.

My Recent Guest

         Recently I was happy to have the chance to participate in a pretty cool project. I have a FaceBook friend who is an elementary school teacher in Pennsylvania. Several months back, she asked me if I'd be willing to have a "flat visitor". Her students had apparently been reading Flat Stanley books (click here if you don't know the story of Flat Stanley) and had created flat versions of themselves to mail to various locations. As the recipient of a flat student, my job was to show them around a place they'd never been and document it with photos I would then email to the teacher so the real student could see their travels.
          I was very excited when Flat Katie arrived but quickly realized it would be difficult to find the right times to take her out and about due to her size (she was almost as tall as me and had long limbs that like to flap in the Montana wind!). I managed to take her hiking once

and for a walk in our neighborhood

        I finally sent Flat Katie home shortly after Memorial Day and was pleased to hear the kids had enjoyed the photos and the letter I had sent. It was fun for me to share a little bit of this beautiful space I live in. 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Today

           

                              This week’s challenge required that I post a photo taken today.

            

       I took this photo this afternoon on my lunch break while out for a walk. I usually do the same lap on nice days to get out of the building to decompress. This is the view as I turn the final corner to head back to my office. I’ve lived in this town for five years and I’m still regularly in awe of the amazing scenery that surrounds us every day. It’s a reminder to me of why I choose to live here and sometimes I need that half way through a hectic work day!