D is for Dogs

I recall a clear afternoon many years ago, when I was living in North Carolina. Driving out of my neighborhood on the way to go shopping, I saw a man walking behind a German Shepherd carrying a claw like poop scooper and a plastic grocery bag. Ugh, I thought, I would NEVER follow a dog around with a plastic bag!

At the time I was a self proclaimed cat lady. My mother is still one, in her 60's. She's had at least one cat at all times, since before I was born. When I was five, one of them had kittens under her bed. I would squat down on the floor to peer under at the squirming, mewing little dark clumps. I've loved cats ever since. 

I was living in a one bedroom apartment with four cats when Ritz came into my life. I was working as a veterinary technician. He was an eight week old Shar Pei puppy who was injured and brought in for euthanasia. His injuries weren't actually life threatening and I agreed to nurse him back to health and turn him over to a rescue organization. That plan lasted only a few hours! It became clear to me right away that this little puppy had found me for a reason. 

Throughout the course of his life, Ritz earned the nickname of Cat Dog because his habits were cat like and he absolutely adored all kitties. But even though he and I both were cat lovers, he managed to show me all the wonderful differences between dogs and cats that make canine companions fun!

Ritz was my soul mate. He came to me a few months after I'd separated from my husband and was by my side through the years as I healed and started life over in Montana. If I received an invitation someplace, it was understood that I wouldn't go unless I could take Ritz with me! During the almost eight years he was my companion, he taught me so much about loyalty and showed me the value in embracing one's uniqueness. 

A few weeks before Ritz turned seven, I came home with my second rescue dog. At the time I did not want two dogs. To be honest, I thought I'd never have another dog after Ritz because he was so special. But there was something about Charlie that spoke to me in a way I'd never experienced before. 

My bond with Ritz didn't leave much room for me to connect with Charlie. The two guys tolerated each other but never became buddies.  Then, about 9 months after Charlie came to live with us, Ritz suddenly became ill and passed away a few days later from an advanced cancer of which he had hidden his symptoms from us very well. 

I truly didn't know how my life would go on without Ritz. As I grieved, Charlie stepped up in a way that amazed and comforted me. From that point forward, I've realized that he has an uncanny ability to know exactly what I need and provide me with it. If I needed to lay in bed all day weeping and napping, Charlie was right beside me snoring away. If I wanted to walk five miles, he kept up the whole way. While he is nearly the opposite of Ritz when it comes to personality, Charlie has proven to be  a lovely addition to my life. 

When Ritz died, my heart was broken. I swore I would never get another puppy and go through this again. That lasted about four months! And while I didn't necessarily want a puppy and all the work that comes with it, my heart needed it. 

Tinsley will be two in July. He and Charlie fill my days with love and laughs, and with mud and drool. They are happy, silly, friendly dogs. I don't know that Ritz would approve! And as the second anniversary of Ritz's death approaches, I still miss him regularly but I can see how his journey with me had come to its natural conclusion. He knew I no longer needed a guardian. 

The cool thing is that even though Ritz is no longer with me physically, I know his spirit still lingers. I can see his influence over my current dogs. He taught things to Charlie who in turn taught them to Tinsley. So even though Ritz is gone, his lesson to me is still clear: I need to have a dog (or two!) in my life to remind me how to live each day fully!

Puppy Love

We're marking a small milestone in our house this week. As of yesterday, this little guy is four months old!

The time has passed in a flurry of housebreaking and puppy proofing. It sure didn't take me long to realize that I'd never raised a healthy puppy before. Holy smokes, a tiny thing sure can have a TON of energy!! A couple of my friends have said "Boy, I don't envy you one bit in that puppy stage", and while I'll admit it is a lot of work, it's also been full of joy, which is something my house had been lacking prior to the puppy's arrival. 

This is the first time I'd acquired a dog that I had chosen to get ahead of time. There are many great things about rescuing a pet and I've done that several times in the past. At this point in my life, still grieving the loss of Ritz, I knew what I wanted and needed from my new canine companion and I knew which breeds would be the best fit for me. I went on a search for a Boston Terrier and found the best one I could ask for! This puppy has been everything I needed and more, in ways that even I wasn't aware of. 

He is like Ritz in ways that make me laugh: he'll steal the cat food in less than a second, he'll perch on the back of the couch, and he humps my older dog, Charlie, with great enthusiasm. Then he's different from Ritz in ways that make me sigh with relief: he loves to be held, to snuggle close, and he greets visitors to the house eagerly with a wagging tail. This was the first Halloween in three years that we greeted trick or treaters without Ritz locked in our bedroom upstairs, loudly voicing his unhappiness with all these strange kids coming to his house! It was a sad occasion because it made his absence painfully obvious but it was also a relief to be free of that worry. It reiterates to me that I am in a new stage of my life, where I no longer need the security of a dog who will protect me. 

People often ask how I came up with Tinsley as the new puppy's name. I'll admit it's not very original to name a pet after a celebrity, but I knew he had to have a name that was unique and held some meaning for me. I've written before about my love for Dave Matthews Band (see here and here) so I won't go into a lot of detail. I'll just say their music has been a huge part of my life and they mean a lot to me. I knew that I would name the puppy Beauford (after DMB drummer Carter Beauford) or Tinsley (after DMB violist Boyd Tinsley). I was actually leaning toward Beauford when I traveled to Denver in August to see the band two nights in a row. There are a lot of things that made this trip special: it involved ten hours driving each way, it was the first time I had seen a dear friend in six years and it occurred on the weekend of my 35th birthday. It was also the self declared end to my Summer of Sadness. 

After the first night's concert, I managed to attend a gathering that Boyd held as a meet and greet for his fans. It was smallish, about 70 people, milling around chatting and waiting to talk with him. I rehearsed what I wanted to say to him over and over in my head as I waited for my turn. I had met Boyd in 1998 when I was a young college kid. To meet him again 15 years later, after his music was the soundtrack to so many important parts of my life, felt unreal. How often do we have the opportunity to truly thank our personal heros for the inspiration they provide us? It's amazing! Boyd turned to me and embraced me in the way a close friend would. My voice quavered as my rehearsed words spilled out at him. I said "I turn 35 tomorrow and that means I've been listening to you guys for more than half my life. I can't thank you enough for what your music has been to me". My eyes welled with tears and I got another hug as he wished me a happy birthday and thanked me for my words. "I love you guys", I uttered as my boyfriend took some photos. "And I love you", he replied. The incredible thing about this is I know it's true. I could feel the compassion and gratitude flowing from him. He didn't have to be there. He spent time with each and every person in that group (even my boyfriend got a hug he wasn't looking for!) because he truly wanted to and he appreciated the fact that we love his music. I have wanted to write about this ever since it happened, but each time I try I simply can't find the words to express what this experience meant to me. 

I picked my puppy up less than a week after that trip to Denver. The breeder lives in another state, a six hour car drive away so she had agreed to meet me half way. The roly poly baby dog tumbled out of the lady's car stretching and yawning, his eyes half closed. When I squatted on the ground, he came right to me, tail wagging, and put his front feet on my knee. I picked him up, he licked my face and I immediately knew that he was mine and that his name was Tinsley. There was never any second guessing or considering other names.  

When I explain his name to new people, I don't go into this much detail. Of course those who know me well have heard all of this and have seen the photos. When I first shared the pictures on FaceBook during my trip, I could feel the genuine excitement that my friends felt for me. They recognize how significant this experience was. Not a single friend batted an eye or acted surprised when they learned the puppy's name. It's totally "me"  and  it makes sense. 

I like that there's a story here that not everyone gets to hear. For me, there are so many different things wound together in the puppy's name. It's a way that I am constantly reminded of the importance of gratitude and joy. So when I look at this sweet puppy face, although I am sometimes hit with a rush of missing Ritz, I'm also reminded of all the beautiful things I've been able to experience and appreciate since his passing. 

The Big Picture

As I mentioned in my last post, I entered a new chapter of my life in August when I started working for a temp agency. So far I've completed my first assignment and start my second one tomorrow. About half way through my first day of work, I noticed something happening that I'd experienced before. When I enter into a new chapter of my life, I'll sometimes meet a person who reminds me of someone from a previous chapter. For example if I'd once had a negative experience with a person named X, I'll find myself  having a positive experience with someone of the same name. Other times I'll meet someone who reminds me of a person I cared about in a previous chapter (or just someone who I'm a great physical distance from now) and it makes me happy to be around them. It's as if The Universe is balancing things out for me, bringing me full circle through an experience. It's a reminder that all of my experiences are connected, that everything happens for a reason.

A few days into my first temp assignment, my supervisor and I were chatting about our pets. I mentioned I was looking for a Boston Terrier puppy but they were proving difficult to find. She perked up in her seat and said "I have a friend who just had a litter of puppies!" The full story was a bit more involved and the puppies turned out to be four hours away, but the owner was willing to meet me half way and so I brought my new buddy home last Friday.

This is a wonderful example of how our lives are full of tiny connections that create the big picture that is our journey. If I didn't play roller derby I would probably never have met my good friend A, whose in-laws own the temp agency which gave me the job with the supervisor who connected me to my new puppy. Whew!

When it first occurred to me to get a new puppy I dismissed the idea. A puppy is a big expense, a huge time commitment and a lifestyle change. Did I even really want a new puppy or was I just wanting back my dog who had passed away? Was it even fair to get a puppy if he'd constantly be compared to Ritz? "I think you're over thinking this" said my life coach. "Of course you want Ritz back but you can't have that and you also want a new puppy." That made sense. I tossed the idea around for a bit, meditated on it and discussed it with my other half. Then I decided I wanted a boy Boston Terrier puppy and I put it out to The Universe. Within a few weeks, the connections were made and now I have an adorable little dog who I already love with my whole heart. On his first morning home, I took him outside and sprinkled some of Ritz's ashes along the fence in our back yard, where he loved to patrol and woof at any passerby. All the guilt I was carrying for wanting another dog seemed to lift away. I felt a sense of closure around Ritz's death that I hadn't in the three months since. I'm not trying to replace him. No dog could ever fill his role because I'll never be in exactly the same place I was emotionally when he came into my life eight years ago. However I did need to feel the void I've felt since his passing. Already the new puppy is doing exactly that. He's a bold, noisy, wiggly, cuddly creature and he's brought a lot of joy into our household. I needed him even more than I'd realized.