N is for No

I was raised to be accommodating. If someone asks you to do something, you do it. If you commit to something, you follow through. Putting oneself first is viewed as selfish. As I got older, the world reinforced these tendencies in me. People who recognized my tendency to put others before myself took full advantage of me. 

Any time I was asked to cover an extra shift at work, I'd do it. If a boyfriend disregarded my interests, I'd let it happen. I took on other's demands and expectations without much thought about how they affected me. I just wanted everyone to be happy and like me. 

By the time I reached my thirties, I was exhausted and resentful. 

When I started seeing my life coach, one of the first things she said to me was it seemed like I had too many burners going on the stove and needed to choose one to turn off. What? No way! Work, home, partner, hobbies, family, pets. How could any of those be turned off? My coach helped me see that there wasn't a burner labeled as self. Because I wasn't putting any energy into treating myself well, I was doing a lousy job of maintaining all those other hot burners. 

One of the most important skills I've learned as an adult is how to set boundaries. It can be uncomfortable at first, if you aren't used to doing it. Even now, I occasionally struggle with feeling guilt, as if I'm letting others down by speaking up for myself. But actually I'm doing us both a favor!

Boundaries aren't always fun!

Learning that it's okay to say no was a HUGE life lesson for me. Sometimes people in my life don't understand. They aren't used to hearing "no" and don't say it often themselves. Sitting down with a boss or a boyfriend and saying "This isn't working for me" takes a lot of guts. Trust me, I've done both and it sucked. It's a big step, to recognize when it's time to say no and when the response is negative or the person lashes out, it can make a tough situation even worse. 

Fearing another's response to no isn't a reason to accommodate him/her. In fact, you're doing each other a huge disservice if you don't speak up. You can trust me on this one too because I've been there as well! 

I like to use the example of airplane emergency procedures when it comes to self care: Secure your own oxygen mask before you begin to assist others with theirs. 

Taking care of myself first doesn't mean I'm selfish. It means I value myself and my loved ones enough to know when I'm on the verge of becoming overextended. I was spread thin for far too long and that me isn't nearly as healthy and positive as the me that takes time our for herself!

If you're feeling pulled in too many different directions, I challenge you to say no to something. Say it nicely and with kindness but say it. I promise you will be glad you did!

Bison without boundaries in Gardiner, MT

K is for Kindness

As I began to embrace a gratitude practice, I noticed a shift taking place in my life. From that point forward, my sharp edges began to soften. The protective shell I'd built around myself my entire life began to fade. This process has taken years, and is still happening but it started when I began to face the world each day with gratitude and kindness.

It turns out that if you're miserable in your life and a bitch to be around, you tend to attract other miserables bitches and you all wallow together in your wretchedness. I am grateful for the friends I have who supported and tolerated me when I was at my lowest and helped to guide me out of my distress. Receiving kindness and choosing to separate myself from people whose energy I didn't want to share any longer (or having The Universe force that separation,) allowed me to start from the ground up, so to speak. I was able to rebuild my life with a foundation of my own choosing.

My life lesson here is that kindness is a cycle; you dole it out, it makes the receiver feel good, they dole more out and so on until you are the receiver and the circle continues.

I've spent the majority of my adult life working with the public, mostly in the field of veterinary medicine. If you've ever worked with the public, you know some days just suck, no matter what you do. And when there's a full moon? Forget about normal. Crazy stuff happens then! Over the years, I came to realize that people tend to act out when they are upset. A client who is rude to me about their bill is most likely distraught about their beloved pet, facing financial hardships or any combination of the emotions and challenges in life. I've witnessed first hand how being kind to a rude person will disarm him. He'll tilt his head or take a step back as if he's thinking "Oh, I'm not going to get a fight here so I guess I'll be nice!" I do believe that some people simply like to complain. They call or come in looking for an argument. When they don't get one, they don't know what to do so they retreat. Although occasionally a person will continue to lash out and there's nothing I can do to help. I just smile and say "Thank you, have a nice day!" These situations are challenging. I cannot say I'm always able to keep my cool. Every once in a while there's a person who is just down right out of line.

Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." I can't think of a better way to advocate for kindness. You never know the stories of the people you pass each day. Think about your worst struggle and imagine a stranger facing it, then give that person the treatment you would have wanted when you were struggling.

My boyfriend taking a photo for strangers in NYC Aug. 2010

It's That Easy

On my second day at my new job, I was monitoring anesthesia during a surgery when the receptionist slid into the room to tell me that a client had just hit my car in the parking lot. I closed my eyes and exhaled "How bad is it?" but she didn't know. My boss immediately vouched for the client, letting me know he was a nice honest guy who would surely take cake of things but my heart had already sank.

To my relief, I got outside to find my car in tact with the exception of one tail light but I will admit all that shattered colored plastic and glass made quite a mess in the snowy parking lot. Now here's an interesting thing about me; I suffer from anxiety issues and will often torture myself over seemingly minor issues such as what is appropriate to wear to a specific event or keep myself awake at night stressing about whether I'll be able to afford the gift I want to buy my other half for his birthday. But when it comes to major issues, ones that deal with others and my impact on The Universe, I'm often the one under control. Understandably, the driver was upset and embarrassed but I assured him that "Seriously, this is no big deal. We'll get it taken care of." It only took two days to get my car into the shop, fixed and back home. The gentleman was apologetic and friendly through the entire process. He repeatedly thanked me for being understanding and nice but I was also grateful for his honesty. If I'd finished my shift to find the damage without someone having come forward, I would have been crushed.

Car camping at The Gorge 2008

My car is 13 years old and has over 192,000 miles on it. I love this car. To say I'm emotionally attached to it is an understatement. It's not in great condition but it's fine. I'm used to all the dings it has and the noises it makes. There's a crack in the windshield, the back windows don't go down and in order to pop the hood you have to reach way up under the pedals for the handle and turn it a certain way but it runs fine and I don't have a car payment! This car is one of the last things I have left that links my current life to the one I left in North Carolina seven years ago. The day it leaves my life is going to be a sad one. If I had gone out to the parking lot and found my little Focus all crumpled, my heart would have broken.

I was grateful the damage was easily repaired and that the experience was positive and I went on about my business. A week later, I was busy at work when the receptionist brought me a greeting card that had been dropped off by the guy who'd hit my car. I was pleasantly surprised and quite curious. It contained a gift card to a local restaurant and a beautiful handwritten message. This kind human felt compelled to go out of his way to thank me again for being understanding and reasonable! He wrote "What a breath of fresh air to meet someone who is respectful and pleasant. It gives me hope for our society." As I put the card back into the envelope I was full of a sense of gratitude and pride in myself. I thought Well, I might be a lot of things but at least I'm not an asshole! The fact that a person was truly appreciative of me not being a jerk was pretty impressive. The whole thing was straight forward as far as I'm concerned! Someone made a mistake, apologized and made it right. In return I was understanding and kind. That isn't complicated. I don't think a person should be surprised to receive that treatment from a stranger in a situation like this.

Since that situation was easy for me to handle, it seems like there are other places in my life where I could be using this approach to make things easier, mainly with myself! What if I screwed up and instead of lying awake at night beating myself up about it, I said It's okay self, you're intelligent and kind and you made a mistake, so what? Make it right and then don't do the same thing again? I feel like I should challenge myself to try this. I find it interesting that the behaviors and personal philosophy that I believe in and show to the world is most difficult to show to myself. I wonder why that is?

My car seats 2 co-pilots