Workin' It

I've taken a big step this week. (Drum roll please) I've re-entered the work force. In recent weeks I'd been feeling a slight tug in the back of my brain, like it was time to join the world again, to meet some new people, to establish a routine again. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do, just that I wanted to be doing something. What I did know for sure is that I'm not ready to commit to a permanent job and I certainly don't want to go back to the field of veterinary medicine. I wanted to be part of the economy again, make a little income, try something new. I have a good friend whose in-laws own a staf
fing agency so she encouraged me to give them a call about doing temporary jobs. I went in for an interview last week and was given some job options on the spot. This week I've spent three days cleaning high end homes in an exclusive resort community. I'll do another day this week, three next week and two the week after that. I've never done this type of work before but it's straightforward and it's a nice change of pace. It's not something I'd want to do forever but who wants to do anything forever, really?

On day two, a co-worker was asking some general getting to know you questions. When I told her about my most recent job and my reasons for temping she said "Well you seem really happy doing this" in a high pitched voice that suggested she found that strange. On day three, the owner of the company told me my supervisor was raving about how well I'd been doing. I told her I was glad to hear it, that I was happy to be there and have been enjoying myself. She replied with "You are a just a joy!" I can guarantee you that no one at my last job would say say that I'm a joy. The thing is, I am happy doing this. It feels like a positive step forward out of my cloud of sadness under which I've spent the last two and a half months. Every day there is a scenic 45 minute drive each way, which I spend in the passenger seat. We drive through a canyon, alongside a river. I sip coffee in the morning, Diet Coke on the way home, while I chat with my co-workers and watch for wildlife out my window. It's not a bad gig at all.

I'm curious to see what happens after the next few weeks. I imagine it will be weird for me to leave a job after that short of a time span and go to a new one. But I also think that knowing it's a short term job is part of what makes it enjoyable. I don't feel that sense of dread about work because I know I don't have to do it if I don't want to. I can call the agency and try something new next week. It's quite liberating.

I'm thankful for this opportunity to work yet not take on a long term commitment. Over these months that I've been home, I have changed. I'm not the same person I was when I was working at my last job. Things that were stressful and important four months ago just aren't anymore. I read a great line this morning, in my book of daily positive affirmations "Stress seems to be fairly subjective, controlled largely by perception".  Sure, there are other important things going on but I've learned that everything is going to be okay.

Pet People

I woke up early this morning when I felt my other half stir on his side of the bed. I had barely lifted my head when he said "Don't roll over. It appears one of the cats has thrown up on me." He said it calmly too. He was obviously not surprised or upset. So we got up, squinting in the early sunlight, cleaned up the cat puke, changed the sheets and went back to bed.

I've written before  about my life as a pet person. That is, a life with perpetually hairy furniture and dirty floors. I've always been an "animal person". This is my lot in life. I take care of these creatures, give them a great life, in some cases when no one else would. In return I get unconditional love and companionship along with an occasional dead bird and/or vomit in a weird place. I don't think it's a bad deal.

I once returned a pair of shorts to Wal-Mart that I had bought without trying on. As I handed them to the clerk,  she politely asked "Do you have a dog or a cat?". Oops! I have three cats: one orange, one calico, one gray and white, and one dog who is black and white. They've literally got me covered when it comes to hair on my clothes. It doesn't matter what color I'm wearing, one of them will shed all over me before I leave the house. I used to get embarrassed about it but I don't anymore. I have a few lint rollers I use on important outfits and that's about it. I don't stress about the cleanliness of my house as much as I used to either.

My pets have taught me about life. They remind me to be patient, to relax and enjoy each day. They also help me remember that I am not in control. I lost one of my beloved pets this summer as have my parents and my in-laws. I worked in veterinary medicine for over a dozen years, and I witnessed an incredible amount of joy and sadness come into people's lives through their furry family members. What's always amazing to me is no matter how huge that loss, how crippling that grief is, we're almost always willing to do it again. A "pet person" can always find more love in their heart for the next creature that needs it. 

I've just started thinking about getting a puppy. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm ready or I dwell on all that comes with a new puppy: chewing, house breaking, crate training plus the huge financial component. Then I think of the last time I got a puppy, eight years ago and what an incredible bond we had. I'm not looking for a dog to take his place, but rather fill the empty space and take on some of the love I have left.

August

I like August. A lot of people moan about it being the end of summer, but I think of it as a different phase of summer. As a kid, I always looked forward to August because it's my birthday month. School didn't start until after my birthday, which is late in the month, so when August rolled around I knew I still had time for fun before the dreaded school shopping started!

Even though we're still seeing temperatures in the high 80's, the heat just isn't as intense as it was a few weeks ago. Already there's a different slant to the sunlight. It's not too hot to go for a run at 9am. After the sun goes down, it's cool enough to wear jeans. It's still summer but it's a bit more enjoyable than the sticky days and hot nights of July.

Here in Montana, this is fire season. Thank goodness it's not nearly as bad as last year, but there's still a smokey haze that prevents the mountains from being seen clearly and burns my lungs if I run outside.

August is also the birthday month of my sweet dog Ritz, who I lost at the end of May. He would have been eight this year. I've been thinking of having a memorial service on his birthday. His death was so unexpected that it didn't occur to me to have one at the time. His absence around the house is still so large.

Earlier this week I posted a FaceBook status that said "I have decided that this summer shall be known as The Summer of Sadness and when it's over we will never speak of it again." This summer has been tough for a number of reasons. You know how it is, once one thing goes wrong it seems like everything goes wrong. I was touched by the responses from my friends.  Some days it feels like I'm the only one in the world who has ever been this sad. My favorite comment was "Every one must have a summer of sadness as a barometer for better days. I am sorry this is your summer." My friends understand and that's a great comfort to me.

Deep down inside, I know that I will recover and things will pan out for me.  Sometimes it's easier to see that than others. I have a big trip planned for later this month. To celebrate my 35th birthday, my other half and I are going to Colorado to see my favorite band in the world (Dave Matthews Band) for two nights in a row. It's at the end of the month, the end of the summer, the end of my roller derby season. To say I'm looking forward to it is an understatement. Even though I normally don't celebrate the end of summer, I think this year I'll welcome it as another step forward.

Crossing The Finish Line

I'm almost done! This is the last day of this Ultimate Blogging Challenge and I'm not going to lie, I'm relieved. Don't get me wrong, I've thoroughly enjoyed participating but I'm ready for a break. The hardest part for me was feeling pressure to produce something on days when I just wasn't in the mood. As much as I love writing, I can't turn it on and off at will. Some days I felt powerfully drawn to write and others it was just going through the motions to get something finished. I enjoy journaling every day but that's a whole different level. I rarely post anything that comes from my journal writings, or if I do it's after some heavy editing!

Despite the fact that I've produced 30 relatively positive blog posts this month, I've been struggling with some not so positive feelings. I'm still recovering from the loss of my sweet dog, from leaving my job in a field I worked in for almost 15 years, and I'm trying to figure out how to go about looking for work again. Honestly, I don't feel like it. I'm fortunate to have a partner who supports me taking as much time as I need to recover and figure out what I want to do but I worry I might not ever feel like it. Do I force myself to go through the motions of finding a job I don't really want? No, and I don't think I even could force myself. I struggle with feelings of guilt and inadequacy being the partner not working. In theory, I think I should be compensating by at least keeping the house super clean but I haven't  felt like doing that either. In fact, I hate housework. All the guilt in the world probably couldn't inspire me to do a perfect job! Some days I have half of my To Do List checked off by noon, other days I'm not even out of my pajamas at that time. I'm honestly not sure what I'm expecting. Everybody's advice is different and I truly appreciate it. I think I'm still trying to figure out who I am now, after all these changes and I guess I can't really put a timeline on that.

This blogging challenge came at a perfect time for me. It has given me something to do each day, given me a reason to interact with people and a chance to share my stories, all of which have helped my healing process. And while I'll miss the routine of posting for the challenge each day, I'm looking forward to days without a deadline! I'm glad to have my brain in writing mode again and while I don't plan on posting daily, I have plenty of ideas to work with to post regularly. I'd like to again thank everyone who hosted the challenge for making it happen and for everyone who participated, either writing posts or simply being my audience!

My Life Tastes Good

My boyfriend and I are both self proclaimed "food snobs".  My friends call me a "foodie", that sounds a bit nicer! Before I started dating Reggie, I appreciated good food but not to the degree I do now. The main difference between him and I is that he enjoys creating beautiful food before eating it, where as I'm just looking to indulge. Sure, I can cook and I enjoy cooking sometimes but only to a certain degree. I don't choose recipes with more than say six main ingredients, and I have trouble with timing all dishes in a meal to be done at once. If it's a recipe a little beyond my comfort zone, Reggie will serve as my sous chef.  I've read articles in magazines that give step by step instructions on how to cook a meal with your spouse without fighting. That's not an issue for us. We have never fought over cooking and honestly have only had a few actual arguments in all the time we've been together. He has done the majority of cooking our meals but since I've been out of work this summer, I've pitched in more than usual. But it goes like this: I'll make a few meals, stuff like baked fish with veggies or chicken enchiladas and then he'll make one meal that is fancier than all of mine combined: a whole chicken on the grill with green beans in yogurt sauce and sliced tomatoes with herbed mayo!

My female friends are typically surprised to see how much he loves to cook and even more so when I tell them we often cook together. They say "You're so lucky to be with a man who likes to cook" and I say "Oh yes, I know". We've both been married before, him to someone who was  picky about food, and me to someone whose motto was "If it hasn't been processed more than twice, I'm not eating it". Now, we both truly appreciate having a partner who shares our love of good, fresh food and adventurous eating. One of my favorite food stories is on our first Valentine's Day together, Reggie cooked us and amazing meal of steaks, baked potatoes and asparagus with lobster risotto.

What girl wouldn't love that, right? Well I was a vegetarian for seven years and although I'd been eating meat for two years at that point, I'd never had lobster before. I took one bite and said "Eww, what's that fishy taste?!" Apparently that's lobster and I don't like it!

We plan out our meals for the week, usually trying at least two new recipes per week. We grow a large garden and preserve some of our harvest, we make as many things from scratch as possible. For Reggie, cooking is a way to decompress after his day at work. He makes fresh bread, pasta, pies, salsa, you name it. Meal time is more than just eating for us. We were both raised in traditional households where Mom cooks the meals and the whole family eats together. We rarely eat anywhere but the dining table, which is always set nicely, even though it's just the two of us. We talk about our day and current events. We also make amazing meals with our family and friends. Just last weekend we had a sushi night with another couple. Well, I drank wine and took photos while everyone else rolled sushi! It's always a fun, bonding experience to make food with other people that you eat together.

Any time we eat at a restaurant, we're always inspecting our meal and saying "Oh we could make this at home"!  We're constantly amazed by the amount of prepared, processed foods in the grocery store. But even though we're "snobs", we know we're fortunate. I can't imagine what it would cost to feed a family of four (or more!) the kinds of foods we eat. I'm constantly frustrated by the fact that you can buy ground beef and Hamburger Helper to create a meal for only a few dollars when buying whole foods and fresh ingredients is often 3-4 times as much. I don't understand the politics of it but I wish there was a better solution. I'd much rather know we were the norm than a rarity.

The Power of a Good Book

As I've mentioned before, I'm an avid reader and I tend to devour good books quickly.  I spent the majority of my day today glued to Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult. I started it less than a week ago but have barely been able to put it down over the past few days.  Today, I simply couldn't handle the thought of closing the book and having to wait until tonight to find out what happened next. I folded laundry and loaded the dishwasher with the book open beside me. When I walked the dog, my brain was going crazy, thinking about what might happen to the characters. Finally I gave in and laid on my bed for over and hour and plowed through. I feel a great relief and sense of closure but also a little loopy from spending so much of my day staring at printed words. Now I have to rush through the rest of my To Do List before leaving for practice this evening. Totally worth it.

Reading is one of the hobbies I've been able to fully indulge in this summer. Reading and writing go hand in hand for me. The more I do of one (especially when it's good), the more I want to do of the other. Good writing has a lot of power.

Ironically, I also received a book in the mail today. I won it in a give away on Goodreads.com a few weeks ago. It practically makes me giddy, getting a book for free!

Thank You

As part of this blogging challenge, I've been reading 2-10 other blogs per day. That's a lot of posts over the past 28 days! One thing that I've been continually impressed by is how many of these blogs focus on positivity and gratitude. I just don't think there's enough of either of those things in our world today. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority, being a person who believes we all have something to be thankful for each day. This challenge has been a blessing for me in many ways but this is probably one of the biggest: It has restored my faith in humanity a bit, you might say. I feel a sense of relief, seeing how many other souls out there are similar to my own. We're plugging away each day, sharing our thoughts and experiences with positivity and humor. We give each other feedback and inspiration, sometimes intentionally but mostly just by being present and true to ourselves. I have been moved to tears more than once so far by a friend's or fellow blogger's comment on my posts. Knowing that there are people out there who enjoy reading what I write is a feeling I haven't experienced to this degree before. It has motivated me to write more and more and to push myself further than I have before. I have more ideas than I know what to do with right now which is an incredible feeling!

While I've been doing this challenge all month I've also been participating in a 30 day photo challenge on FaceBook. Each day has an assigned subject so I go through my day looking for an opportunity to take the photo. Combine that with also thinking about writing a blog each day and I've been a regular idea factory this month! I have more ideas than I know what to do with right now which is an incredible feeling! I've been taking tons of photos and carrying a notebook with me at all times so I can jot down thoughts and descriptions. I'm documenting my life in a way I never have before.  It's the first time in a long time that I've really felt this sense of worthiness about what I create.

I believe everything happens for a reason. There were some sad and unfortunate events that led to me being home by myself this summer but if they hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had the time to write for this challenge each day. I definitely wouldn't have produced the material that I have. I have questioned a few of the posts I've written this month. More than once I've cringed when clicking the "Publish" button thinking people would give negative feedback or think less of me for writing it. But I clicked it anyway and I am glad I did. I'm sure everyone hasn't loved every single thing I've written (I sure don't) but I haven't gotten any feedback that was less than positive. I'm already looking forward to the next challenge!