Does This Blog Post Make Me Look Fat?

My friend Amber is participating in a 365 Grateful Project this year. Each day, she posts a photo to her social media of someone/thing she is grateful for that day and a little blurb about the person/thing. As we hung out one evening, she asked if she could take my photo for that day’s post. I was honored.

When I got home and logged on to Facebook, her post popped up right away. The first thing I thought was Oh God, I look so fat.

 

Here’s what she wrote: “1/14/16 - Ramona - I am so happy to have this woman as part of my tribe. She is fierce and strong and sensitive and kind. She has taught me so much in the past couple years of friendship.” That’s incredible. You wish someone would write that about you on Social Media, right? It’s wonderful. But before I could let in sink in how kind and true her words were, I sat there berating myself for a fat face, bad haircut and wide body. 

Would I ever say anything like that to one of my friends? Never. I don’t think I’d even talk like that to someone I dislike. So why do I do it to myself?

I could list all the reasons I’ve gained weight since I've retired from roller derby. Some are valid reasons, some are excuses, but I’m not going there. I’m working on accepting that yes, my body is different than it was two years ago. It’s not good or bad, it's different. It simply is. 

The thing is, I know my body is amazing. This body of mine has played roller derby, given and taken hard hits, run races, hiked to mountain peaks, skied down mountain faces. It walks my dogs every day. This body has worked many long hours on tired feet. My body has danced, laughed, cried, taken lovers. This body has hugged some of my favorite people in the whole world. My body has healed from severe illness and injury, miraculously recovered from hangovers and migraines. It displays my beautiful tattoos, houses my soul. 

All of those things are astounding. They require strength, compassion, perseverance. Why is it so difficult to remember that my body is me? It's not a separate entity to be fought against.

Now, I want to go back to Amber’s 365 Grateful post because do you see what I did? I made it about me when it isn’t at all. 

So what's the post about if not its subject? Is it about Amber? Not really. Each post is about love and connection. Most of her photos are of people and in every single one of them, that person has a big smile and is obviously feeling loved.

With each post, Amber is giving love, showing appreciation, putting it out into The Universe without asking for anything in return. Maybe the least I can do is accept that graciously. Instead of disliking my photo, I try to look at it and see what she sees.

There's a gap between perception and reality. Sometimes it's bigger than others. The way I see myself is not the way others view me but what is true?

My sweet friend has inspired me so much with her posts, and I plan to start my own 365 Grateful Project on February 1st!

I Live Life, That's What I Do

  

On Christmas Eve, my family engaged in a particularly competitive game of Taboo. This isn't surprising considering my husband and his four siblings can make anything super competitive. (I’m an only child so I don’t get it, but I do my best!)

It was my nine year old niece’s turn. When the timer was flipped she looked at her first card, thought for a second, then gave a clue: “This is something Ramona does.” Her team members immediately starting shouting out guesses:

                “Roller skating!”

                “Vet tech!”

                “Arrange flowers!”

                “Writing!”

It turns out the answer was “pen.”

I was on the opposite team so I couldn’t guess. I sat back laughing until my face hurt, watching our family frantically try to remember all the different jobs and hobbies I’ve had!

This funny incident has been on my mind lately because I’ve attended a few functions recently where I’ve gotten the question “What do you do?”

Ever since I left my work in veterinary medicine, I’ve been more aware than ever before of that question and my response. It used to make me self-conscious because I know people are going to judge me based on my answer. Now I usually say something like "I do a lot of things. Are you asking me what my job is?"

As I’ve moved through the past three years trying different jobs, I learned what I don’t want to do more than what I do want to do. As I’ve made my happiness a priority (work related and in regard to relationships and other interests) The Universe has noticed and guided me toward a life that is more focused on what I enjoy instead of what I “should” do. But that’s not easy to sum up in a quick answer to a four word question!

For a decade and a half, I worked as a vet tech and wrote on the side as a hobby. Now, I write for work and volunteer at the local animal shelter. Everything is still there but my priorities have shifted and my quality of life has improved.

I see my current job as a Karmic reward for following my heart and striving to increase my happiness. It’s never been more clear to me how each thing I’ve ever done connects in some way to the next. If I didn’t play roller derby, if I didn’t befriend my teammates, if I didn’t blog and share it on social media, if I wasn’t honest about my journey to pursue a more satisfying line of work, if I didn’t do any one of those things, the connections would not have made it all the way through and I never would have found my job.Or rather, my job wouldn't have found me.

When I meet new people, I’m often interested in what they do for work and for fun as well. If I want to know about a job, I come right out and ask “What do you do for work?” but I’ve started looking for more creative ways to learn about someone I’ve just met. “What do you do for fun?” is one of my favorites. I also like “Where did you grow up?” because almost everyone has strong feelings about their birth place. I ask people if they have pets or what their favorite book is, because those are both topics that are important in my life, and I like to connect with people about them.

We all do a lot of things. Work is one of those things but it’s not the only thing. It’s not what defines us. Maybe the line of work you've chosen says something about who you are as a person, but it might not. What you do with this life you've been given speaks for you, not what you do from 9-5.

So the next time you want to ask someone what they do for a living, stop and think about how you want to present that question. Chances are there’s something else you’d rather know about that person. And if you genuinely want to know what that person's job is, just ask!

Another Lesson Learned (or the same one again)

Last week I wrote about how easy it is to judge others, even when we don't mean to. I got a lot of feedback on that post and I was glad to see that the struggles I face are familiar to others. I definitely think this is a subject worth revisiting.  Zen Buddhism teaches me to be detached, not judge anyone, not take anything personally. I can certainly see myself progressing but it's much easier said than done, even when I'm aware. One thing I do know is that The Universe will continue presenting me with the same situation until I learn the lesson at hand. I'm getting much closer.

Earlier this week I put an ad on Craigslist to sell my old iPhone. I got a response within 30 minutes. We exchanged a few emails, the person (with a gender neutral name) asking if it was still available and then if I would go down on the price. I replied that I would be willing to take less if no one else was interested in the phone at my asking price. The response I got was this "Ohh. Cause I'm a poor high schooler with no job and it's tough getting 100$". My first thought was "Are you freaking kidding me?"  It's so easy for me to immediately project my values and experiences onto this teenager and his/her parents: When I was in high school I worked, it's summer so why isn't/he/she working, I never had anything as nice as an iPhone, etc. I didn't respond to the email right away because it wasn't necessary. Today I was able to write and explain that I'd sold the phone for my asking price. I believe that all people/things/situations come in to our lives for a reason, for either me or the other person to learn from. This wasn't a big deal but it was a nice little reminder and I wagged my finger at myself "There you go again..." I don't know anything about this kid or his/her family or their situation. The world surely is different than when I was in high school, almost twenty years ago.  I bet it's even tougher than it was back then, now that there's social media and cyber bullying. I've often said I can't imagine what school would have been like for me if FaceBook had existed. All the teasing and cliques are probably magnified many times over. The only thing I envy is that nowadays kids can do research online instead of lugging around those old encyclopedias!

One thing I've really enjoyed about this blogging challenge is that it has changed the ways I look at my day to day life. When something happens I think "How could I write about that?" I've taken to carrying a notebook with me at all times. I even tuck a tiny one in the waistband of my shorts when I walk the dog because I never know when inspiration will strike! I like that I can take a minor event, like the email exchange yesterday and share it with people to start a discussion. What would you think if you got that message? What do you assume about people?

Say What?

Not too long ago, out of a combination of desperation and laziness, I went to a business near my neighborhood that I don't normally frequent. It was a cute, clean shop. The woman who helped me was friendly and outgoing. While making small talk, the conversation turned to the up coming July 4th holiday. We were exchanging complaints about fireworks being set off in the evenings already when she added "And it's always the gross people too. You know, the ones who can't even afford to pay their rent. How are they spending hundreds of dollars on fireworks?" I sat silently, feeling a bit shocked and thinking "Holy crap, that was not nice". I just couldn't think of an appropriate response. After only a few seconds pause she started chatting again about something totally different, never seeming to notice my lack of response.

I left that business feeling a bit put off, to say the least. I've given the comment a lot of thought and clearly it's still bugging me since I'm writing about it. Maybe I'm overreacting by finding the comment incredibly rude, but this was a woman who had never met me before and didn't know a thing about me. What exactly qualifies someone as a "gross person"? Maybe I'm gross. Why would you ever assume someone is buying fireworks with their rent money? Then all of a sudden, while ruminating on all of this, I had a realization: I'm judging her for judging other people. I'm doing the same dang thing!

I'm a fan of the old saying "Never judge someone til you've walked a mile in their shoes". I've gone through periods in my life where I've made choices that I thought were best at the time, but lost friends who didn't agree with me. I would like to say I don't ever judge people but we all do it. It's almost impossible not to, isn't it? The guy who cut me off in traffic is a selfish jerk. The person who doesn't pick up their dog's poo is lazy. I catch myself doing it all the time and I give myself a mental slap on the wrist. I consider myself to be a kind, accepting person. I understand that not everyone is the same. Even so, it's difficult to not put my expectations onto others: don't talk loudly on your cell phone in public, pick up after your dog, obey traffic laws, say please and thank you. For me, those are simple things we should all do to be respectful of each other and that's the way I act in public. However we all make mistakes and I'm sure there are things I do that other people don't like, even when I think I'm being polite.

I don't think I'll go into that business again. It's my own little way of saying I'd rather not hear people talk about others that way. I believe The Universe is always teaching us and since this experience I've been more mindful of how I look at others and what I think about them. I am thankful for all the people who have forgiven my poor choices and love me any way so I hope I can be in that role for someone else.