Puppy Love

We're marking a small milestone in our house this week. As of yesterday, this little guy is four months old!

The time has passed in a flurry of housebreaking and puppy proofing. It sure didn't take me long to realize that I'd never raised a healthy puppy before. Holy smokes, a tiny thing sure can have a TON of energy!! A couple of my friends have said "Boy, I don't envy you one bit in that puppy stage", and while I'll admit it is a lot of work, it's also been full of joy, which is something my house had been lacking prior to the puppy's arrival. 

This is the first time I'd acquired a dog that I had chosen to get ahead of time. There are many great things about rescuing a pet and I've done that several times in the past. At this point in my life, still grieving the loss of Ritz, I knew what I wanted and needed from my new canine companion and I knew which breeds would be the best fit for me. I went on a search for a Boston Terrier and found the best one I could ask for! This puppy has been everything I needed and more, in ways that even I wasn't aware of. 

He is like Ritz in ways that make me laugh: he'll steal the cat food in less than a second, he'll perch on the back of the couch, and he humps my older dog, Charlie, with great enthusiasm. Then he's different from Ritz in ways that make me sigh with relief: he loves to be held, to snuggle close, and he greets visitors to the house eagerly with a wagging tail. This was the first Halloween in three years that we greeted trick or treaters without Ritz locked in our bedroom upstairs, loudly voicing his unhappiness with all these strange kids coming to his house! It was a sad occasion because it made his absence painfully obvious but it was also a relief to be free of that worry. It reiterates to me that I am in a new stage of my life, where I no longer need the security of a dog who will protect me. 

People often ask how I came up with Tinsley as the new puppy's name. I'll admit it's not very original to name a pet after a celebrity, but I knew he had to have a name that was unique and held some meaning for me. I've written before about my love for Dave Matthews Band (see here and here) so I won't go into a lot of detail. I'll just say their music has been a huge part of my life and they mean a lot to me. I knew that I would name the puppy Beauford (after DMB drummer Carter Beauford) or Tinsley (after DMB violist Boyd Tinsley). I was actually leaning toward Beauford when I traveled to Denver in August to see the band two nights in a row. There are a lot of things that made this trip special: it involved ten hours driving each way, it was the first time I had seen a dear friend in six years and it occurred on the weekend of my 35th birthday. It was also the self declared end to my Summer of Sadness. 

After the first night's concert, I managed to attend a gathering that Boyd held as a meet and greet for his fans. It was smallish, about 70 people, milling around chatting and waiting to talk with him. I rehearsed what I wanted to say to him over and over in my head as I waited for my turn. I had met Boyd in 1998 when I was a young college kid. To meet him again 15 years later, after his music was the soundtrack to so many important parts of my life, felt unreal. How often do we have the opportunity to truly thank our personal heros for the inspiration they provide us? It's amazing! Boyd turned to me and embraced me in the way a close friend would. My voice quavered as my rehearsed words spilled out at him. I said "I turn 35 tomorrow and that means I've been listening to you guys for more than half my life. I can't thank you enough for what your music has been to me". My eyes welled with tears and I got another hug as he wished me a happy birthday and thanked me for my words. "I love you guys", I uttered as my boyfriend took some photos. "And I love you", he replied. The incredible thing about this is I know it's true. I could feel the compassion and gratitude flowing from him. He didn't have to be there. He spent time with each and every person in that group (even my boyfriend got a hug he wasn't looking for!) because he truly wanted to and he appreciated the fact that we love his music. I have wanted to write about this ever since it happened, but each time I try I simply can't find the words to express what this experience meant to me. 

I picked my puppy up less than a week after that trip to Denver. The breeder lives in another state, a six hour car drive away so she had agreed to meet me half way. The roly poly baby dog tumbled out of the lady's car stretching and yawning, his eyes half closed. When I squatted on the ground, he came right to me, tail wagging, and put his front feet on my knee. I picked him up, he licked my face and I immediately knew that he was mine and that his name was Tinsley. There was never any second guessing or considering other names.  

When I explain his name to new people, I don't go into this much detail. Of course those who know me well have heard all of this and have seen the photos. When I first shared the pictures on FaceBook during my trip, I could feel the genuine excitement that my friends felt for me. They recognize how significant this experience was. Not a single friend batted an eye or acted surprised when they learned the puppy's name. It's totally "me"  and  it makes sense. 

I like that there's a story here that not everyone gets to hear. For me, there are so many different things wound together in the puppy's name. It's a way that I am constantly reminded of the importance of gratitude and joy. So when I look at this sweet puppy face, although I am sometimes hit with a rush of missing Ritz, I'm also reminded of all the beautiful things I've been able to experience and appreciate since his passing. 

You're Welcome

I was out for a run this afternoon when I felt compelled to stop and take this picture

                   

I'm sure you can guess that part of the reason I like this route is for the view. Running toward those mountains always makes me feel strong, like I'm officially a Montanan. Especially on days like this when it's barely over 30 degrees and my nose is running so much it's dripping onto my chest. I snapped the picture, put my glove back on and continued on my way.  I was headed toward home, thinking about the post I wanted to write today. I tend to get great ideas when I run so I do a lot of writing/editing in my head.  As I approached a crosswalk, I slowed my pace with my eyes on a black car, trying to figure out if it was turning my way when-BAM- it was crashed into by a white pick up truck. I'm not sure if I said "Holy shit" out loud (I think I did), but I was also thinking "Woah, I'm a witness". The black car had spun around and was stopped in the middle of intersection, the white truck still up against it so I jogged over to make sure everyone was okay. Everything happened fast but at that moment I remember seeing several vehicles going around the accident, and I was surprised that no one else was stopping. Everyone involved was okay but no one had a phone and someone asked me to call 911. Once police were on the way I made sure (again) that everyone was okay, pushed my ear buds back into place and ran home. 

What a rush! Talk about being in the right place at the right time! If I hadn't stopped to snap that photo and admire the view, I would have been just a little further along the path and might not have seen the accident. As my Nikes crunched on the snow in my driveway, I let out a big exhale and thought "I am so glad I was there to help". And this leads me back to my original idea for today's post that was going through my head as I ran...

This is the fifth day of the Gratitude Project I wrote about in my last post. Each day I've been posting a FaceBook status that lists three positive things about the day. Maybe you're doing something similar or have friends who are. Just a few days into November, I'm noticing something I wasn't expecting. (Although I suppose I should have been, it is FaceBook after all.) People are complaining about other people's daily posts of gratitude! When I saw the first comment a few days ago, I cocked my head and read it again. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or not. The next day I saw another person's comment which was clearly not a joke. Today I say a meme that said "November- When people who complain on FaceBook for 11 months are suddenly thankful every day". I wanted to shout into my computer and across the internet "YES! YES! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!" Everybody complains, it's human nature. I like to think I don't do it much, especially on FaceBook but I know I'm guilty at times. Everybody needs to vent. The friends I've seen posting daily words of thanks are people from all over the country, from every walk of life. Some of them haven't surprised me by participating but a few of them have. To me, that's the beauty of this. That's the whole point! You can be grumpy for 11 months and then think "Oh crap, it's the month of Thanksgiving, I should really think about what I'm grateful for", or you can post what you're thankful for every single day of the year, I don't care. I like to think that maybe someone who's been down in the dumps might see my posts of gratitude and think twice before they gripe about whatever is under their skin. I know that's some serious wishful thinking but hey, I'm an optimist.

Not everybody is full of gratitude every day. That's fine. Bad stuff happens, I get it. We lose loved ones, lose jobs, cars break down, people and pets get sick. It sucks. It makes us feel hopeless. Trust me, I've been there. But I know that when I've been down that low I would never have recovered had I not been able to find other positive things around me. It doesn't happen right away and it's certainly easier said than done, but it's the truth.

I've been doing a lot of self reflection in recent months. I've been reading about meditation, karma,  a path to awakening. Everything I read tells me the same thing, which I've now come to see as true with my entire being: Our joy and suffering is not caused by what happens to us but by how we respond to it. The reason I write for this blog is the same reason I post my FaceBook statuses; I want to share my experiences with others and connect with people who can relate to them and view the world as I do. Everybody likes different things. If someone doesn't like what I write, I can't let that stop me.  I have faith that The Universe guides me to be where I need to be and my run today was a perfect example.

Gratitude Project

For the past two years, I have posted FaceBook statuses throughout November to mention at least one thing I was thankful for that day. I'd seen other people do it and thought it was a lovely idea. Last year in particular, I received a lot of feedback from friends who enjoyed seeing my posts and some who were inspired to do the same. This year one of my friends, who is also a writer/blogger, took it one step further by inviting her friends and readers to join her in what she is calling a Gratitude Project. I love that name, by the way. She has challenged us all to post three positive things each day. She is posting to both her blog and her personal FaceBook page. It brought me joy to see her suggestion, to have a friend who obviously values a gratitude practice as much as I do so I've committed to join her by posting to my personal page as well.

Among my 400+ FaceBook friends, there is a mix of optimists and pessimists, along with a few fairly apathetic souls. Everyone seems to have a different view of what FaceBook is for and how it serves them. Sadly, I think I'm in the minority when I say that I find FaceBook to be useful and beneficial, although I will admit it can also be a huge time suck. I have quite a few friends on there who are a real part of my personal support system, even if they live far away and/or I haven't seen them in fifteen years. The older I get, the more I appreciate the people I know who grew up in the same area I did. We may be scattered all over the world and be different types of people, but we all started in the same place and I think that's a special thing to share. What I'm trying to say is I have lots of types of people as FaceBook friends so I'm curious to see who joins the Gratitude Project.

Since I won't be blogging every day this month, I thought I'd share a list of some of the things I am feeling most grateful for in my life right now:

         Having a supportive partner who "gets me"

         My dogs

         My life coach

         Books

         My above mentioned friends/support system.

         All the time I get to spend writing

         Good food

         Running

         That everyone I love is healthy

         The fact that I've recently been learning about my family history and tracing my ancestry

         Playing roller derby and having amazing women as teammates.
       

Of course there are many more things that make me happy but these are the ones that come to mind that have been making my life awesome lately.

To everyone reading this, I challenge you to take time this month (and every month!) to think about what you're truly grateful for and make a list. Even if you don't want to share it with anyone, write it down and look at it every once in a while. I've found this to be helpful on a crappy day when it feels like everything is going wrong. I can just flip through my notebook and see how much good stuff can be packed into a "bad" day: a nice bottle of wine, seeing a rainbow, catching every traffic light green. If you want to share your list, I encourage you to do so here or on my friend's blog or on your own FaceBook page. I promise you that people will notice your positive way of looking at things and they will appreciate it!
       

I'm Not Worried But My Brain Is

Over the weekend I was in Barnes & Noble with my other half, sipping a chai latte and browsing at a table of paperbacks. Out of no where, he casually asked "You might know this since you're a medical person: Is herpes simplex the same as herpes herpes?" My eyes snapped up and scanned his face as I attempted to respond slowly and calmly "Why in the heck are you asking me that?" It turns out he's reading a book about memory (Moonwalking With Einstein by Joshua Foer) and had read the story of a man who suffered severe memory loss due to brain lesions which were a result of herpes simplex. We stood there in the aisle having a discussion about human herpes, cat herpes and viruses in general. At least you can't say we're not an interesting couple, right? "I just don't want to get a cold sore that eats all of my memories", he explained. I vowed to look it up when we got home.

After I had gone off on my own to search for the works of Rumi, I was struck by how much emotion I'd felt reflexively in a split second. Obviously I don't have herpes, nor have I ever had a partner who revealed that he did. I honestly didn't truly believe my boyfriend was about to confess to being unfaithful and contracting an STD. What's fascinating to me is that my mind went crazy in those few seconds between the question and the explanation. It wasn't even enough time to have a complete thought but I had a quick flash of a genuine feeling: was my whole life about to change right there in the non-fiction section? I know there's a lot more at work here than I will ever fully understand but I find it interesting that I can have such a response to something before I even have time to think about it.

I've certainly received my fair share of surprises when it comes to romantic relationships: In high school I was dumped via a note slipped into my locker on Valentine's Day. I've been on at least two dates using match.com to which I arrived and discovered the guy's profile photo was five years old. I've come home from work to discover the guy I was dating had used my computer to send dirty messages to another girl online. And of course, I  married someone who later admitted "I shouldn't have married you." Is it all of these memories (plus more, unfortunately) that combine inside my brain and create what I imagine to be a cartoon robot with flailing arms calling out "DANGER! DANGER!" at the mention of the word herpes?

One of my personal goals over the last couple years has been to become a less reactive person. I know I've made a great deal of progress but I've still got a ways to go. I guess it's just human nature for that internal alarm to go off, to signal it's time to protect oneself. I don't know if there's a way to get around it, at least for me. Maybe a good rule to follow would be: if you're going to ask your partner a random question about an STD, consider giving your explanation first!

Save The Date

Today marks eleven years since I got married. I realize this may be a strange thing to acknowledge, considering I've been divorced for over eight years. This date also marks eight years exactly since I brought home my incredible dog Ritz, who passed away in May. My ex-husband and I had been separated for six months when Ritz came into my life. It was the first wedding anniversary since our split and I was not at a good place in my life. I've always known the timing was not a coincidence. That puppy was in desperate need for being rescued and so was I. And so, this date has always been bitter sweet for me. Not a year has gone by that I haven't thought of both events on this date, and the ways they have shaped me as a person. This is my first October without Ritz. Today I feel no bitterness, some sweetness and a great deal of sadness.

Last week I traveled to North Carolina for the first time since leaving there in 2007 (with Ritz in the passenger seat as my loyal co-pilot). The trip seemed like a great idea when we booked it in August. One of my boyfriend's relatives was getting married in a town a few hours away from the one I had last lived in, so it seemed foolish to travel all that way and not visit my friends who were nearby. What I hadn't anticipated was the amount of dread I felt in the week before the trip, when it occurred to me that I had left North Carolina at my personal rock bottom. The thought of returning and dealing with the memories, made me queasy. I'm a different person than I was when I left. "But aren't you proud of that?" my boyfriend asked when I shared my anxiety with him. "Don't you want to show off how much you've changed?" Sure I'm proud, (although I didn't feel a need to show off) but that didn't make the thought of facing my past any easier.

When I saw my closest friends last week, I gave each woman a lengthy embrace. I could practically visualize the time melting away, along with all my distress. It felt so good to be in the company of each of them. I'll admit I wasn't on the best of terms with them all when I moved away, something I feel a lot of sorrow about, but we had reconnected through FaceBook and I was genuinely glad to spend time with them.

As we traveled around North Carolina and visited with my friends, I was reminded of my past life there in a way I hadn't been in years. I thought of my ex-husband, of our failed marriage, of the beautiful house we had owned, of Ritz and the comfort he had brought me as I moved and left those things behind. I was hoping to return home with a sense that I had come full circle, that I had gone back to face my demons. But instead of feeling separate from the woman I was, I feel more connected to her. I see that even though I'm different in many ways, I'm still the same at my core. I still feel a strong connection to the people I knew there and the different places I lived. It's all a part of me. Looking at those words typed out, it sounds a bit cliche but I can't think of a better way to say it. I feel Ritz's absence a bit stronger today than I have in a while. I'm glad our anniversary came so close to my trip to where we moved from. It reminds me of how far I've come in the past eight years and how far I will probably go in the next eight.

Good Morning!

I've written in a journal almost every day since I was 18. I'll admit I go through phases where I write very little or not at all, but that hardly lasts more than a couple weeks. I've got boxes tucked away in a closet that hold all the notebooks I've filled over the years. Generally, I don't like to read my old entries but every once in a great while I'll flip through one looking for something specific. It's comforting to have them all together. I like the fact that I've recorded so much of my life on paper. My habit has almost always been to write in the evenings, reflecting on the day's events. Sometimes I have little scraps of paper I've tucked into my purse or pocket during the day, where I've jotted down a great thought or funny incident. I'll tape them onto my journal pages or transcribe them in with my other writings.

Although I'm a creature of habit, last month I made a switch. On the advice of my life coach, I've been writing in the mornings. She suggested I strengthen my gratitude practice by making time each morning to write before I start my day. Now that I've started working again, I set my alarm extra early (previously unheard of!) so that I have time for myself, without feeling rushed, before the rest of my morning routine. Initially, I thought I'd be too groggy to be productive right after rolling out of bed. Now, I will admit that I don't sit down without a cup of coffee but I've been surprised at how easily the words start flowing. I also have a great tool that I highly recommend. It's a book called Good Morning: 365 Positive Ways To Start Your Day by Brook Noel. I've had this book for a few years and I've read it intermittently but obviously I wasn't making time for it and I hadn't looked at it in a long time. So I dusted it off and have made it a part of my daily reflection. For each day of the year there is a topic for which there is an entry by the author that's related to the quote she has chosen for the day. Next, there's "Your Turn", which guides you on how to apply today's message to your life and a daily affirmation. Each day is filled with positive messages and reminders to help the reader slow down, identify and focus on the important things in life. I write down each day's affirmation as part of my journal entry. Then when I'm all finished writing, I slide off the recliner onto the floor and meditate for a few moments, usually on that affirmation along with my specific personal intentions for the day. I'm not sure why this hadn't occurred to me before, since I'm a planner! I paired this new habit with my return to the work force last month and I honestly can't believe how good I feel leaving my house each morning. I used to dread getting up for work. I'd set the alarm as late as possible, rush around trying to get everything together,  stumble out the door, then spend my commute figuring out what I forgot at home. I'm sure the fact that I wasn't happy at that job was a big factor in all of this, but of all the things I've learned in the last few months, it all comes back to making time for myself and showing myself kindness.

I know I've suggested this before (and I'll probably suggest it in future posts!), but if you don't already keep a journal, give it a try. It doesn't have to be a "diary", just jot down your thoughts or goals, make a list of things you are thankful for, or if you're feeling inspired, get a copy of this book and make it a part of your day. I guarantee you will notice a difference in your days! If you already have a practice similar to mine, please tell me about it! I love to hear what techniques people use to show gratitude!

The Big Picture

As I mentioned in my last post, I entered a new chapter of my life in August when I started working for a temp agency. So far I've completed my first assignment and start my second one tomorrow. About half way through my first day of work, I noticed something happening that I'd experienced before. When I enter into a new chapter of my life, I'll sometimes meet a person who reminds me of someone from a previous chapter. For example if I'd once had a negative experience with a person named X, I'll find myself  having a positive experience with someone of the same name. Other times I'll meet someone who reminds me of a person I cared about in a previous chapter (or just someone who I'm a great physical distance from now) and it makes me happy to be around them. It's as if The Universe is balancing things out for me, bringing me full circle through an experience. It's a reminder that all of my experiences are connected, that everything happens for a reason.

A few days into my first temp assignment, my supervisor and I were chatting about our pets. I mentioned I was looking for a Boston Terrier puppy but they were proving difficult to find. She perked up in her seat and said "I have a friend who just had a litter of puppies!" The full story was a bit more involved and the puppies turned out to be four hours away, but the owner was willing to meet me half way and so I brought my new buddy home last Friday.

This is a wonderful example of how our lives are full of tiny connections that create the big picture that is our journey. If I didn't play roller derby I would probably never have met my good friend A, whose in-laws own the temp agency which gave me the job with the supervisor who connected me to my new puppy. Whew!

When it first occurred to me to get a new puppy I dismissed the idea. A puppy is a big expense, a huge time commitment and a lifestyle change. Did I even really want a new puppy or was I just wanting back my dog who had passed away? Was it even fair to get a puppy if he'd constantly be compared to Ritz? "I think you're over thinking this" said my life coach. "Of course you want Ritz back but you can't have that and you also want a new puppy." That made sense. I tossed the idea around for a bit, meditated on it and discussed it with my other half. Then I decided I wanted a boy Boston Terrier puppy and I put it out to The Universe. Within a few weeks, the connections were made and now I have an adorable little dog who I already love with my whole heart. On his first morning home, I took him outside and sprinkled some of Ritz's ashes along the fence in our back yard, where he loved to patrol and woof at any passerby. All the guilt I was carrying for wanting another dog seemed to lift away. I felt a sense of closure around Ritz's death that I hadn't in the three months since. I'm not trying to replace him. No dog could ever fill his role because I'll never be in exactly the same place I was emotionally when he came into my life eight years ago. However I did need to feel the void I've felt since his passing. Already the new puppy is doing exactly that. He's a bold, noisy, wiggly, cuddly creature and he's brought a lot of joy into our household. I needed him even more than I'd realized.