An Intro To A to Z 2014: The Songs

I came up with the idea for this last July while I was doing The Ultimate Blog Challenge. I was walking my dog with my iPod on shuffle mode when Today by The Smashing Pumpkins came on. I was instantly transported to the first time I ever heard it, when I was a teenager, and  I was struck by how awesome it still is every single time I hear it all these years later. Then I got to thinking about other songs that have the same effect on me and realized there are a lot of them. Music has always been a tremendous force in my life and a part of my personal support system but I haven't written about it much. I thought it would be cool to write about these songs that move me, because there are a lot of great stories there too, but at that point I was already into the current blogging challenge. The idea rolled around in my head for a while, then in October it occurred to me that the A to Z Challenge was six months away and that would be an awesome opportunity to highlight the songs I'd been wanting to write about!

As I listened to music and had ideas over the next few months, I'd jot song titles down and eventually narrowed it down to one song per letter of the alphabet. It took time; some letters had lots of contenders while some had one obvious choice, a couple drew a blank for me initially and one came down to a tie so close I simply couldn't choose. I made a playlist of my choices and spent a lot of time listening to the songs and taking notes. It was fun to spend time with the songs in a way that I hadn't before, absorbing all the lyrics and processing any memories I have associated with the song, really taking a look at what makes it so special to me. I know that when you read my essays, these particular songs may not reach out to you, but if you are a music lover you will be able to appreciate what I'm talking about. You will have your own play list of songs that have spoken to you and helped you through life. That's what I want to acknowledge here, that music has the ability to do this for so many of us.

Whenever possible, I've put the official video for a song at the end of its post. Because I grew up in the hey day of MTV some of the videos play a role in the song's significance in my life. If the video wasn't available on YouTube, I chose whatever was there that I found most appropriate. I had a ton of fun doing this! I hope you enjoy my month of tribute to the songs that have moved me and that it inspires you to think about the music that moves you as well, and maybe it will even introduce you to some new music!

It's That Easy

On my second day at my new job, I was monitoring anesthesia during a surgery when the receptionist slid into the room to tell me that a client had just hit my car in the parking lot. I closed my eyes and exhaled "How bad is it?" but she didn't know. My boss immediately vouched for the client, letting me know he was a nice honest guy who would surely take cake of things but my heart had already sank.

To my relief, I got outside to find my car in tact with the exception of one tail light but I will admit all that shattered colored plastic and glass made quite a mess in the snowy parking lot. Now here's an interesting thing about me; I suffer from anxiety issues and will often torture myself over seemingly minor issues such as what is appropriate to wear to a specific event or keep myself awake at night stressing about whether I'll be able to afford the gift I want to buy my other half for his birthday. But when it comes to major issues, ones that deal with others and my impact on The Universe, I'm often the one under control. Understandably, the driver was upset and embarrassed but I assured him that "Seriously, this is no big deal. We'll get it taken care of." It only took two days to get my car into the shop, fixed and back home. The gentleman was apologetic and friendly through the entire process. He repeatedly thanked me for being understanding and nice but I was also grateful for his honesty. If I'd finished my shift to find the damage without someone having come forward, I would have been crushed.

Car camping at The Gorge 2008

My car is 13 years old and has over 192,000 miles on it. I love this car. To say I'm emotionally attached to it is an understatement. It's not in great condition but it's fine. I'm used to all the dings it has and the noises it makes. There's a crack in the windshield, the back windows don't go down and in order to pop the hood you have to reach way up under the pedals for the handle and turn it a certain way but it runs fine and I don't have a car payment! This car is one of the last things I have left that links my current life to the one I left in North Carolina seven years ago. The day it leaves my life is going to be a sad one. If I had gone out to the parking lot and found my little Focus all crumpled, my heart would have broken.

I was grateful the damage was easily repaired and that the experience was positive and I went on about my business. A week later, I was busy at work when the receptionist brought me a greeting card that had been dropped off by the guy who'd hit my car. I was pleasantly surprised and quite curious. It contained a gift card to a local restaurant and a beautiful handwritten message. This kind human felt compelled to go out of his way to thank me again for being understanding and reasonable! He wrote "What a breath of fresh air to meet someone who is respectful and pleasant. It gives me hope for our society." As I put the card back into the envelope I was full of a sense of gratitude and pride in myself. I thought Well, I might be a lot of things but at least I'm not an asshole! The fact that a person was truly appreciative of me not being a jerk was pretty impressive. The whole thing was straight forward as far as I'm concerned! Someone made a mistake, apologized and made it right. In return I was understanding and kind. That isn't complicated. I don't think a person should be surprised to receive that treatment from a stranger in a situation like this.

Since that situation was easy for me to handle, it seems like there are other places in my life where I could be using this approach to make things easier, mainly with myself! What if I screwed up and instead of lying awake at night beating myself up about it, I said It's okay self, you're intelligent and kind and you made a mistake, so what? Make it right and then don't do the same thing again? I feel like I should challenge myself to try this. I find it interesting that the behaviors and personal philosophy that I believe in and show to the world is most difficult to show to myself. I wonder why that is?

My car seats 2 co-pilots

Stay Tuned

When it rains it pours, right? Not only is that fitting for spring time in Montana (lots of rain on top of all that snow can make for terrible flooding) but also for life. I worked three days in January and I spent a great deal of my down time sitting around reminding myself that everything happens for a reason, that it was good for me to be home with my thoughts for a while and that things would pick up again. I was right, or course and now I'm reminding myself that things will slow back down again! I've gotten more work offers through  my temp agency, so much so that I've had to be careful not to over extend myself, and when I took my dogs in for vaccines on Saturday, their veterinarian offered me a job (for the third time!). So I went in to sit for an interview with her today and I'm considering taking a part time job at her clinic. It's funny how things can change from one month to the next, from one day to the next...

I haven't been blogging much lately but I promise you I have been writing! So please bear with me because you're going to be seeing a lot of posts from me really soon!! Last year was the first time I participated in the April A to Z Blogging Challenge but I've been looking forward to it all year and am gearing up for it again! I have a theme in mind this year and I hope my readers will enjoy a month's worth of alphabetized posts! Right now I'm in the process of getting them planned and hopefully most of them written and scheduled so that I won't be frantically writing every day in April!

Another thing I've been doing that I'm excited about is writing for Bozeman Magazine. I had written a couple articles in 2012 but they were in the journalistic style where I was assigned a topic and I wasn't crazy about it so I didn't continue. I'm not sure why it took me so long but at the end of 2013 I approached the editor again, gave her the link to my blog and basically said "This is what I enjoy doing, could you have a use for me?" and she said yes! March is my third month writing a "local living" article.

Spring is around the corner and the quiet winter doldrums are behind us (maybe? hopefully?). Who knows what the next cycle of the year will bring. I'm still working on my personal goal of living in each moment instead of focusing on or worrying about what lies ahead. It can truly be a challenge for me sometimes. There's so much to do, things to prepare for, places to go... But even on the days I struggle I can see I'm miles ahead of where I've been before. No matter what happens next, I'll be okay!

Phone It In

The saying "Write what you know" is one of my biggest motivators as a writer. I have it written inside a couple of my notebooks to serve as a reminder when I think I've run out of ideas. I enjoy reading fiction but I've never been a fan of writing it. I was uncomfortable turning in fiction assignments in school and if I had to read it out loud, oh man I would squirm in my seat. I hated making stuff up. I always thought people would assume anything I wrote was fact based, since that's what I preferred to do. I've always chosen to write personal based pieces because I believe that truth is often stranger than fiction. Amazing things happen to us every day and we take it for granted or miss out all together because we're too busy looking for something else. My iPhone has changed my life in a lot of ways but the biggest one is that I've started snapping photos of random things that I encounter throughout my days. Now I know I'm certainly not the only one doing this, and the people I work with and hang out with chuckle at me, but I don't mind. What I'm noticing are these tiny, fleeting moments that might seem uninteresting but when you stop and think about it, there's a cool story attached.

I was recently working a shift in the kitchen of a hotel. I prepare food and put it out for the guests' complimentary dinner. At the end of the dinner service, I bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies to set out at the front desk. It's pretty straight forward, the same type of cookies are made at the same time every evening. It's just one task on the checklist of many for that shift. But I'll tell you something, people appreciate those darn cookies! Those who are regular guests of this particular hotel chain expect those cookies! People can smell them baking and can be practically giddy at the thought of a free warm chocolate chip cookie. When I worked that most recent shift, the cookies looked and smelled perfect when I took them out of the oven. I looked at them and thought "It's pretty cool that I get to bake these cookies and take them out there for people" so I took a picture. I firmly believe that we always have a choice of at least two ways to look at any given situation. I know it's not always easy but I try to find that silver lining because it's always there, even when we choose to ignore it.

This Is Only A Test

Like the majority of the country, we've had our fair share of harsh weather here in Montana this winter. In fact, this week we had another spell of sub-zero temperatures more extreme than the last time, but fortunately they didn't stick around as long. Wednesday night brought us our lowest temperatures yet this season at -32 (and that was without the windchill factor!). My car wouldn't start for two days and neither of our vehicles would start Thursday morning. I'll admit I'm a home body but there's a certain point where not being able to leave the house starts to drive me a little batty! I was finally able to get out and run some errands Friday afternoon and I was thrilled! But with the cold, the wind and snowy road conditions, I was happy to get back home after a couple hours! Once the sun goes down, the temperatures drop quickly and by 7pm it was -15 and I was on my couch wrapped in my Snuggie with a glass of whiskey watching The Walking Dead.

The cold gray days, coupled with my inability to leave the house had me in a funk most of the week. I felt low and irritable. I skipped roller derby practice and started an argument with my boyfriend over the laundry. All of that is out of character for me. I was generally grumpy and I wallowed in it. Then, I started noticing all the FaceBook posts from my friends in the North East who were without power due to the ice storm. I also had a couple friends in Montana who had to deal with a broken furnace during our cold spell. For as much as people complain about FaceBook, it can really serve a purpose at times. It was kinda the slap in the face that I needed to see straight again. Even when I'm out of sorts, there's so much to be grateful for.

Thankfully the temperatures have gone up over the weekend, and with that came a whole lot of snow. I'm sure glad shoveling is good exercise! Today was finally sunny and clear with a crisp temperature of 18 degrees above zero. That was cause for celebration! This afternoon was beautiful and I was finally able to get outside with the dogs. We got about 8-10 inches of light fluffy snow this weekend, on top of what was already out there. I shuffled around the back yard, knee deep in the white stuff, while my boyfriend put in some time on his cross country skis.

This was the first time my puppy has experienced this much snow. It was pretty fun to watch! He took one pounce into snow that was higher than his shoulders and he seemed to realize that wasn't much fun. I shoveled him some paths and he stuck to them, happily biting at the snow and barking at the other dog who is big enough to handle the deeper parts of the yard. A couple months ago, I thought it was a bad idea to have gotten a puppy right before winter. It has definitely made housebreaking challenging when it's well below zero. But over the last couple weeks, I've realized it was probably better this way. He's been growing up during a harsh winter and it's made him tougher than I expected. He doesn't know any different so he asks to go out even in the worst conditions. My older dog however, he seems to know that winter doesn't last forever and he's quite content to wait it out on the couch!

Tinsley's first big snow

Our backyard fire pit & benches

People often ask me how I can live in a place with such extreme winter conditions. It definitely took some getting used to. I've lived in other parts of the country, places where two inches of snow shut down a city for a day. There's no such thing as a snow day here. Ever. It's not always easy but it keeps me balanced. When I start getting tired of winter, I remind myself how eager we always are for it to arrive, particularly at the end of an especially bad fire season. The Gallatin Valley is spectacular, even when it's dangerously cold outside. When I'm stuck inside I try to make the most of it by reading, writing, baking or binge watching shows on NetFlix! 

It's easy for me slip into that pattern of thinking "Oh, things will be better when ____________" or "I'll feel better once I __________". I get crabby and blame the weather or my car or any number of external factors, but really this is just The Universe testing me. When I'm forced to stay at home and really sit with myself, when I do a lot of writing and thinking, I can see that the only one who has the power to change things for me is me. It's a tough thing to admit. I basically had to look at myself in the mirror and say "Stop being a sad bitch. It doesn't serve you." Then I took a long hot shower, with some Dave Matthews Band blaring in the bathroom and I felt better. I'm trying to not be hard on myself. So I had a couple rough days, big deal. I've recovered from having a couple rough years before so this is nothing! This is where having a gratitude practice has become so important to me. I have a supportive partner, friends who let me vent and make me laugh, dogs who keep me company, books to read, people who read what I write, teammates who challenge me to grow. That's a lot of cool stuff. So what if my car won't start?!

My Trifecta

I'd like to preface this post by saying I'm aware I may not be using the word trifecta properly here. In the midst of my writing, it occurred to me that I'd better check on the word's actual definition so I had to do a little research. I came up with mixed results; some sources say it's strictly a betting term but others say it's appropriate for a winning trio, which is what I feel this post is about, so I decided to stick with it!

A couple of years ago I was going through a particularly rough patch at my job at the time. I felt out of place and unwanted, as if I had to suppress my true self when I was there. I dreaded going into the office each morning, sometimes I cried on my way there. I usually listen to music when I'm driving and in a situation like this, I'll often choose Dave Matthews Band songs to cheer me up. Their music always reminds me of happier moments and that whatever I'm dealing with isn't permanent. After a while I realized that I had three particular songs I'd listen to on my drive to work each morning, always in the same order: Two Step, #41 and Lie in Our Graves. I started to think back to other trying times in my life, and noticed that these songs have always been part of my go to play list when I need to feel better or psyche myself up. Music has always been therapeutic for me. A specific song played at just the right moment can influence me in a huge way. I have many custom made play lists in my iTunes library: songs for when I'm sad and want to cheer up, songs for when I'm sad and need to wallow in it, songs for when I'm happy, excited or pissed off. There's music for running, cleaning, driving, relaxing. You name the scenario and I can probably give you a list of at least ten songs that would be fitting! All of those playlists contain at least one song by Dave Matthews Band, some contain several. The music of DMB has been a huge portion of the soundtrack to my life. Any time I'm in public, especially if I'm nervous about the situation at hand, and I hear a DMB song come on, I take it as a sign that everything is going to be okay!

It was around that time that I started referring to those songs as "My Trifecta". They're three of my favorite songs by the band, off of my favorite album. They contain some of my favorite of Dave's lyrics as well. From Two Step "Celebrate we will, because life is short but sweet for certain", from Lie In Our Graves "Would you not like to be, sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free?" and "I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, wondering if we had spent our living days well". They're also some of my favorite songs to see the band perform live. All DMB remind me of the concerts I've been to and how joyful those experiences are. They're also each tied to certain people from my life; an ex-boyfriend, a former roommate, a friend from college who I'm still close to. These three songs together encourage me and calm me at the same time. I've made a tiny playlist that only contains these songs and sometimes I listen to it on repeat, over and over.

When it came time to choose my number for roller derby, it was a no brainer: I'm #41. Not many people get it, and I don't mind. It's just another way that I've been able to root myself to the music and people who have been so present in my life.

I got the idea for this post because I've been working on writing about the songs that have influenced me post in my life, for an A to Z blogging challenge this spring. Most of the songs on my list are ones I consider favorites but some of them are ones I don't listen to very often but were significant to me at a particular phase of my life. Music has been a comfort, a cheerleader, a constant companion to me over the years. I don't know who I'd be without it, without these songs I cherish so much. My mother and father are both passionate about music as well so I'm grateful to them for passing it on to me!  

Enough

So here we are two weeks into the new year. What have you been up to?

I haven't worked a single day in 2014. Not since before Christmas, actually. I'm not thrilled about that but the funny thing is,  I'm not stressing out about it. My temp agency assures me that this is a slow time of year and that I'll have plenty options for work soon. Sure, I'd like to be making some money but I have faith that things will turn around and that I'm being given this time at home for a reason. I'm trying to take advantage of this opportunity by doing things I don't always have time for when I'm working regularly, like cleaning out closets, writing as much as I can, reading and sleeping in.

I know this time would be a bit tougher on me if I wasn't currently participating in The Year of Enough this month. Each week day I get an email that contains a link to an audio interview with a self help "guru" and a challenge for the day, like meditating for three minutes or writing a letter to myself. All the interviews focus on the fact that we are all enough and have enough, just as we are. These interviews apply the concept to every aspect of life, from finances to career to diet, etc. What I've loved about the interviews is that so far the speakers all have had one thing in common: At some point, each one was struggling in life and had an "awakening" (or whatever you want to call it) when they said "Okay, something needs to change here" and they made it happen. I've done that! And no matter what the subject or how it's presented, the core message is consistent: you have to take care of yourself and make decisions that are true to yourself. I think that sounds a lot easier than it is in real life, but it means making sure you eat right, get enough sleep, exercise and have a support system. Even though I already "know" those things, it has done me an immeasurable amount of good to hear it over and over again each day. I usually listen to the interview in the evening, while drinking a cup of tea, as a part of decompressing from my day. As I listen, I take notes. I'm such a nerd. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken out loud, responding to the speaker! The Year of Enough also includes access to a special FaceBook group for participants. Each day, there's discussion of the interview or posts from folks who simply have something they want to share or get feedback on. It's been a great to see people from all walks of life who can say to each other "I've been there and here's what worked for me".  It's renewed my faith in humanity, to see all these people connecting and supporting each other. It's been a huge boost for me to know that all these people are out there, sharing the world with me!

In other January news, I'm proud to report that I've stuck to my New Year's Resolutions so far! The first two weeks of 2014 have been pretty calm and positive for me. I haven't had any fast food or soda and I've survived my return to a new roller derby season. I have everything I need. I bet you do too! But we don't always believe that do we? I can't figure out why that is. I know two weeks isn't very much time and I might be getting ahead of myself by thinking I can maintain this attitude all year long. Or maybe not!