E is for Expectations

Rainbow after a hail storm June 2011

Though we're only four months into 2015, if I had to choose one lesson I've learned this year it would be this: Expectations are bullshit.

I'm a planner. I want to know what's going to happen and when. I want to think things through so I can be prepared for potential outcomes. I'm so focused on what I think is going to happen that I don't see what comes out of left field until it's too late. I don't know how to stop having any expectations at all. My brain seems to do it automatically. I've worked hard over the past few years to change these patterns in my life. I've realized that expectation sets me up for disappointment and often prevents me from missing out on the excitement of anticipation and the joy of the moment. What I try to do now is recognize that I have expectations but not hold on to them quite so tightly.

When I left for my adventure in January, I said I didn't have any expectations but I was lying, although not consciously. I had a lot of thoughts about what I thought would happen and what should happen. Some of those thoughts were accurate but many of them were not. I certainly didn't expect that I'd be home two months later but that's where I ended up and I'm grateful for that.

I think it's impossible to not have expectations; of ourselves, of others, of an event we're planning to attend. So how does one let go of them? I don't have an answer for that so I'd love to hear how other people face this struggle!

D is for Dogs

I recall a clear afternoon many years ago, when I was living in North Carolina. Driving out of my neighborhood on the way to go shopping, I saw a man walking behind a German Shepherd carrying a claw like poop scooper and a plastic grocery bag. Ugh, I thought, I would NEVER follow a dog around with a plastic bag!

At the time I was a self proclaimed cat lady. My mother is still one, in her 60's. She's had at least one cat at all times, since before I was born. When I was five, one of them had kittens under her bed. I would squat down on the floor to peer under at the squirming, mewing little dark clumps. I've loved cats ever since. 

I was living in a one bedroom apartment with four cats when Ritz came into my life. I was working as a veterinary technician. He was an eight week old Shar Pei puppy who was injured and brought in for euthanasia. His injuries weren't actually life threatening and I agreed to nurse him back to health and turn him over to a rescue organization. That plan lasted only a few hours! It became clear to me right away that this little puppy had found me for a reason. 

Throughout the course of his life, Ritz earned the nickname of Cat Dog because his habits were cat like and he absolutely adored all kitties. But even though he and I both were cat lovers, he managed to show me all the wonderful differences between dogs and cats that make canine companions fun!

Ritz was my soul mate. He came to me a few months after I'd separated from my husband and was by my side through the years as I healed and started life over in Montana. If I received an invitation someplace, it was understood that I wouldn't go unless I could take Ritz with me! During the almost eight years he was my companion, he taught me so much about loyalty and showed me the value in embracing one's uniqueness. 

A few weeks before Ritz turned seven, I came home with my second rescue dog. At the time I did not want two dogs. To be honest, I thought I'd never have another dog after Ritz because he was so special. But there was something about Charlie that spoke to me in a way I'd never experienced before. 

My bond with Ritz didn't leave much room for me to connect with Charlie. The two guys tolerated each other but never became buddies.  Then, about 9 months after Charlie came to live with us, Ritz suddenly became ill and passed away a few days later from an advanced cancer of which he had hidden his symptoms from us very well. 

I truly didn't know how my life would go on without Ritz. As I grieved, Charlie stepped up in a way that amazed and comforted me. From that point forward, I've realized that he has an uncanny ability to know exactly what I need and provide me with it. If I needed to lay in bed all day weeping and napping, Charlie was right beside me snoring away. If I wanted to walk five miles, he kept up the whole way. While he is nearly the opposite of Ritz when it comes to personality, Charlie has proven to be  a lovely addition to my life. 

When Ritz died, my heart was broken. I swore I would never get another puppy and go through this again. That lasted about four months! And while I didn't necessarily want a puppy and all the work that comes with it, my heart needed it. 

Tinsley will be two in July. He and Charlie fill my days with love and laughs, and with mud and drool. They are happy, silly, friendly dogs. I don't know that Ritz would approve! And as the second anniversary of Ritz's death approaches, I still miss him regularly but I can see how his journey with me had come to its natural conclusion. He knew I no longer needed a guardian. 

The cool thing is that even though Ritz is no longer with me physically, I know his spirit still lingers. I can see his influence over my current dogs. He taught things to Charlie who in turn taught them to Tinsley. So even though Ritz is gone, his lesson to me is still clear: I need to have a dog (or two!) in my life to remind me how to live each day fully!

C is for Crisis and Change

Wild fires near my home June 2012

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the last year is that sometimes it takes a crisis to initiate change.

 I love change. I crave it in my life on a regular basis. My new job at the flower shop appeals to me in a similar way veterinary medicine did, in that I never know what each day at work is going to bring. In veterinary clinics healthy pets come in for vaccines punctuated by an emergency hit by car, toxin ingestion or broken limb. At the flower shop, I might take an order to celebrate the birth of a new baby and five minutes later an order for a funeral. I've worked at temp jobs where each day is predictable and the same as the previous. After a week or so I'm bored and ready for something new!

Growing up, my mother and I moved four times between the time I was two and twelve. During those years I also had two different step-families. When I was fifteen, my life was flipped upside down when we moved from Pennsylvania to Wyoming. Each new chapter of my life forced a reboot. Despite being difficult at the time, those moves and lifestyle changes gave me the courage and confidence to initiate change in my life whenever I felt I needed it.

I can't imagine what it's like to grow up in one house with the same set of parents, rules and family traditions. Lots of people do grow up that way and aren't as adaptable and comfortable with change as I am. In fact, I've discovered that many people fear change. For those people, something different can be threatening. If things have been done a certain way for ____years, why change it? But the fact that  I like change doesn't mean I don't also like routine and familiarity. I tend to hoard sentimental items to provide consistency in my life!

I've also learned that comfort does not equal stability. You can live in a comfortable house with nice things and a nice partner, but that doesn't mean the bottom won't drop out eventually or that change isn't necessary. And that can get confusing. If things are going "okay," why do they need to change? Even if we aren't exactly happy with the way things are, they could always be worse, right? So why take the chance and shake things up?

Well...because sometimes life needs a little shake up.

A summer thunderstorm August 2014

But people who are afraid to take bold action don't understand those of us who do. They will judge and alienate the people they don't understand. It's an unfortunate side effect for being a risk taker. It still hurts my feelings when I get "unfriended" by someone who doesn't like a choice I've made but I've learned to let it go because that's not a person I want close to me anyway.

I've come to realize that perhaps people who fear change need people like me to show them it's not an enemy and help them bring it about. I've witnessed people close to me transform into a totally different being when faced with crisis. It brings out one's true colors and that's never a bad thing.

A flower can push through rocks to grow and bloom

B is for Breakfast

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I don't know who "they" are but I've learned that they're right!

I'm a foodie, so for me, every meal is an important one. The only problem with breakfast is that it happens in the morning! For years, I'd skip eating in the morning or try to get by with scarfing a banana as I drove to work,  because I "didn't have time to eat." Eventually, I realized my body was telling me that I need to eat at the start of my day. If I go too long without eating, I'll usually get a headache, my mind becomes foggy, I become irritable and eventually get to a point where I can't function. When this happens by 10am, it doesn't sit well with co-workers and makes for a loooong day!

For the majority of my life, I wasn't a "breakfast person." I'm not a huge fan of many of the dishes traditionally served for breakfast. Thanks to a couple traumatizing experiences of being forced to eat eggs when I was a kid, including one particularly memorable time of vomiting the forced eggs back onto my plate, I didn't eat eggs that weren't hard boiled until I was in my 20's. Even now, I'm very picky about eating eggs. I'll only eat scrambled eggs if I've made them myself, otherwise I just can't get them down. At a restaurant, I'll occasionally order eggs over easy (if they come with the meal I'm ordering) but I've been known not to eat them if they "don't look right" when they arrive at my table. I don't like French Toast, it's always too soggy and wet bread grosses me out. Until the past couple of years, I'd never liked pancakes much either but then I discovered crepes and realized that not all pancakes have to be the diameter of a dinner plate! However, I will admit I'm a huge fan of breakfast meats and fried potatoes so I can usually find something to eat on a breakfast menu!

In the five years that I've been with my significant other, I've reaped the benefits of the fact that he likes to cook breakfast! I've discovered breakfast items that I enjoy, like the previously mentioned crepes ( I love crepes,) scotch eggs, biscuits with gravy and of course I've always liked waffles. I've also noticed that like most other meals (but even more so, in my opinion) breakfast foods are much better when they are homemade and catered to our particular tastes. Instead of syrup, I put Greek yogurt and fresh fruit on my pancakes and waffles, for example. 

Not only does breakfast provide me with the sustenance needed to start my day and use my brain, it also forces me to be still for a few minutes. On work days, stopping to prepare and eat something helps me focus and sit down at the start of my day. On weekends, time in the kitchen preparing breakfast with my other half has become a fun, bonding experience for us. Sitting down to eat our meals together gives us more quality time and a chance to chat. 

I now realize that all the mornings I skipped breakfast over the years I was missing out on an opportunity for quality time with my loved ones and delicious food. I can't get that time back but I've learned from it and try to make the most of each morning I have now! 

A is for Anything

Listen up here, lesson number one: Anything could happen. You can do anything you want to. Anything. Yes. It's true!

It doesn't always feel that way, but if life teaches all of us any one lesson, it's this one.

I joined a roller derby team despite the fact that I didn't know how to roller skate! Not only did I learn to skate but I learned to play the game and eventually made the roster to play in bouts. Derby taught me that I can literally do anything I want to.

I know what Monsters thoughts can be: That would never happen to me or I'd never do such a thing or the torture of asking ourselves What if? What if? What if? My default setting for responding to life's unpredictability is to over think every possible scenario in an effort to be prepared. That's not only exhausting but has proved to be ineffective and I'm still blindsided from time to time. We can't predict others' actions, and one can never truly know how they would respond to a specific situation until they are facing it.

It's impossible to be prepared for anything that might come my way. Learning to go with the flow has been one of my biggest personal goals in recent years and has been quite a challenge! I remind myself that while I don't know for sure what's going to happen next, I do I know that I'll be okay.

I'm not writing about songs in all of my A to Z entries again this year but I had to include this song here because it was my inspiration for this post. I've discovered that I can't feel low while listening to this song. It's a beautiful reminder of how much possibility lies ahead of me, plus I just love the sound! It makes me feel empowered and hopeful. I've found it to be a particularly awesome song to listen to during a solo drive on the open highway!

Lessons I've Learned So Far (26 to be exact)

Last year for the April A to Z Blogging Challenge I wrote about my favorite songs, ones that have been significant in my life. I spent six months working on those posts and was proud of what I produced. I received positive feedback from friends and readers who related to my feelings about music, and that was my goal!

Life distracted me from thinking much about this year's challenge until recently. I wanted to do a theme again  because I enjoyed writing last year's posts so much and a theme helps me come up with topic ideas. I wanted to do something along the lines of writing about my favorite things, or what brings me joy but I basically did that the first time I did this challenge, in 2013 (books, candy, Dave Matthews Band, elephants - yep, that pretty much covers it!) I have a friend who also does this challenge each year and she is going with the theme of her favorite things so check out her blog if you get time!

 I brainstormed on variations on that theme and finally stumbled upon the idea I'm going with this year. The past few months of my life have been a whirlwind of change and emotions. Through it all, I learned A LOT about myself and the people closest to me, and about my life in general. I traveled to places I'd never been and had a lot of fun new experiences but also a lot of heartache. I did some serious soul searching and returned home a changed woman, with a sense of clarity about my life that I couldn't have achieved any other way.

I know my recent adventures will eventually give way to a series of colorful, witty essays but now is not the time for that.

As I've reflected on my recent experiences, and my life in general,  I've decided to share what I believe are the most valuable lessons I've learned so far in my journey. Each lesson has it's own story (or stories) and while they may not all apply to everyone, I believe they are worth sharing and worth reading! So please stay tuned for the month of April, as I share what I've learned!

Life Is Like...Nothing Else

 

I like roller coasters. It's an interesting fact about me because I don't really like heights and I hate to fly. When I ride a roller coaster, I'm almost always in fear for my life and I have huge issues with fearing death. But I ride roller coasters anyway. It's probably one of the most thrilling, dangerous things I do by choice (except driving a car, of course!) I like the anticipation and the stomach dropping feeling. I'm usually terrified for the majority of the ride, thinking WHY DID I DO THIS?! but once it's over I'm like Oh that wasn't so bad, I'm excited yet relieved and generally glad I did it.

Lately I've found myself likening my life to a roller coaster ride. There have certainly been a lots of ups and downs, but I've started to give that more serious thought. There is much choice involved in a roller coaster ride. You get on and stay on, follow the track, then get off at the end. Most roller coasters don't have many blissful parts. During the calmer parts I'm thinking Oh shit, what's going to happen next? and while the uphill part is exciting, typically my body has been slammed back against my seat and I'm gritting my teeth.

Maybe that is like life?

During a recent chat with a close friend, I stumbled upon a solution to some of the anxieties I've been feeling in regard to all the change I've experienced. I said something along the lines of "I need to sit down into my choice and go with it, enjoy it." Now, that is like a roller coaster, isn't it?

One of my favorite movie quotes is from Forrest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." Being a candy connoisseur, I can appreciate that on many levels. There are few things worse than biting into a delicious looking piece of chocolate, expecting sweet gooey caramel, only to get a burst of  something gross like liquid hazelnut (or your own version of that! Many people don't like the fruit/jelly filled ones but those are my favorites!)

You can compare life to many different things, but the truth is all of those things are a part of life. There are ups and downs, there is joy, sadness, peaceful moments and terrifying ones. Sometimes you take a bite of something and it's delicious, but sometimes it's bitter or what you eat makes you puke! It all happens. It's all part of this glorious thing called being human.

To say my life has been full of change recently is the understatement of the year. Some of it has been brutally painful and some of it has been blissful. But it's all been the consequences of choices I made. Were those the "right" choices? I think so. I've been continuously motivated by following my heart and doing what was best for me at each moment.

It's funny how much that can change, isn't it? For me, what was best in January was a complete turnaround from what I needed two months later. But I never would have known that if I hadn't leapt, if I hadn't made some bold, scary choices and tried some new things. I could have sat around thinking I wonder what would have happened if I'd gone on that adventure? but now I know. I went, I did a lot of cool stuff and learned a ton about myself. You can't fake that or bring it about through any other circumstance than when it's actually happening.

Life is life. We only get one so we should give it all we've got. I know that's cliche but it's truth! So whatever it is you're going to do with yours, do it with gusto! Strap yourself into that roller coaster or reach blindly for a piece of chocolate. Don't second guess yourself and don't apologize for your choices!