N is for No

I was raised to be accommodating. If someone asks you to do something, you do it. If you commit to something, you follow through. Putting oneself first is viewed as selfish. As I got older, the world reinforced these tendencies in me. People who recognized my tendency to put others before myself took full advantage of me. 

Any time I was asked to cover an extra shift at work, I'd do it. If a boyfriend disregarded my interests, I'd let it happen. I took on other's demands and expectations without much thought about how they affected me. I just wanted everyone to be happy and like me. 

By the time I reached my thirties, I was exhausted and resentful. 

When I started seeing my life coach, one of the first things she said to me was it seemed like I had too many burners going on the stove and needed to choose one to turn off. What? No way! Work, home, partner, hobbies, family, pets. How could any of those be turned off? My coach helped me see that there wasn't a burner labeled as self. Because I wasn't putting any energy into treating myself well, I was doing a lousy job of maintaining all those other hot burners. 

One of the most important skills I've learned as an adult is how to set boundaries. It can be uncomfortable at first, if you aren't used to doing it. Even now, I occasionally struggle with feeling guilt, as if I'm letting others down by speaking up for myself. But actually I'm doing us both a favor!

Boundaries aren't always fun!

Learning that it's okay to say no was a HUGE life lesson for me. Sometimes people in my life don't understand. They aren't used to hearing "no" and don't say it often themselves. Sitting down with a boss or a boyfriend and saying "This isn't working for me" takes a lot of guts. Trust me, I've done both and it sucked. It's a big step, to recognize when it's time to say no and when the response is negative or the person lashes out, it can make a tough situation even worse. 

Fearing another's response to no isn't a reason to accommodate him/her. In fact, you're doing each other a huge disservice if you don't speak up. You can trust me on this one too because I've been there as well! 

I like to use the example of airplane emergency procedures when it comes to self care: Secure your own oxygen mask before you begin to assist others with theirs. 

Taking care of myself first doesn't mean I'm selfish. It means I value myself and my loved ones enough to know when I'm on the verge of becoming overextended. I was spread thin for far too long and that me isn't nearly as healthy and positive as the me that takes time our for herself!

If you're feeling pulled in too many different directions, I challenge you to say no to something. Say it nicely and with kindness but say it. I promise you will be glad you did!

Bison without boundaries in Gardiner, MT

M is for Marriage

I'm recently engaged, so marriage has been on my mind a lot lately.

Before I was engaged, I looked at other women's hands for rings. There have been many times I've been the only woman at the workshop, class, dinner party, without a ring. I'd wonder what that said about me that I noticed.

I wasn't looking out of jealousy. Maybe there was some longing, but it was mostly curiosity. Who is married and who isn't? Is that the only difference between us as women?

Now that I wear an engagement ring, I still look at other women's hands but in a different way. I think of all the love and planning that went into me having this ring and the sweet story that I have to tell about it. I wonder about the story behind each ring now.

When I got engaged, my best friend, who is a photographer and has worked with many brides, prepared me for the fact that everyone was going to have input about my wedding, and boy was she right! When I was picking out my wedding band, the gal behind the counter gave her opinion of my choices, warning me that I might feel differently once I'm wearing a wedding band.

The funny thing is, I have worn a wedding band before. I've done all of this before. I got married 13 years ago, and while I was a different version of myself back then, it was still me. I know what it feels like to wear that band constantly, to work in it, to get it snagged on things, to tug gloves over it.
My future husband has been married once before as well. Trust me, we know what didn't work for us the first go around!

While it's fun and exciting to be planning a wedding, it's also felt strange at times. I've been divorced for 10 years but a lot of memories and feelings have come swirling to the surface for me recently. I've experienced a whole world of personal growth, emotions and changes in those years. I've learned what I want and need in a partner but also what I don't. I know that what the wedding looks like doesn't reflect what the marriage is going to be like.

The life lesson I've learned about marriage is that it's different for everyone. The only thing that matters is that it's the same for the two people entering into it together. You would think that's a given, but it's not. It's something that should be discussed in great detail. Marriage is about more than loving each other. I didn't realize that the first time around.

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper, but that piece of paper is really important. You can live as a married couple without that piece of paper but it's still not exactly the same as when you have it.

For years after my divorce, I swore I'd never get married again, never ever. I'm glad I don't have to be held to that!

Image from she knows.com

L is for Light

There was a time in my life when the middle of the night was my worst enemy. There in the dark, I would re-hash my biggest failures and heaviest anxieties. There were nights when I thought I am seriously not well, because I couldn't stop obsessing about my ex-husband or a mistake I made at work, or something embarrassing I did when I was twelve! Eventually I'd wear myself out and fall asleep and when I woke up in the morning I could early remember what it was I had been so stressed about all night!

My life lesson here is: Everything looks better in the light of day.

I don't know why it is but I know it's a common condition. People all over the world lay down to sleep at night and are flooded with worry and pressure, fear and loneliness. I remember a particular period of time when I was single and would curl up on my side at night, imagining a loving man spooning me and I would think Some day I will have a man to spoon me. I won't always be alone. I'd wake up in the morning with my dog curled up behind my knees and think I'm not alone at all. Why the hell do I worry so much about finding a man? I believe the solitude that is forced upon me by the darkness leaves space for the doubts and fears to creep in.

Over the past several years, I've gotten a handle on my anxiety thanks to finding the right medication, therapy, exercise, a supportive partner, etc. Nighttime is not something I fear. In fact bedtime is one of my favorite parts of the day because I always read in bed and I love to sleep.

But occasionally the demons do show their faces around 3 or 4am. They say "Hey, what about that magazine deadline? Do you have enough money to pay your car registration? Stay awake with us and worry about those things!" That's when I snap on my bedside lamp and reach for my book. Distracting my mind with reading is one of the few things that makes those worries evaporate into the words and characters on the page. I read long enough to keep drowsy and turn the light off, knowing that when my room is flooded with sunlight in the morning, I will be able to tackle everything on my to do list!

Similarly, I often notice a difference in my disposition on a bright, sunny day versus a gray, gloomy day. Here in Montana, we can go through phases in the winter when I can't remember the last time I saw the sun. Everyone becomes slow and a bit melancholy. And then suddenly it's a glorious day filled with sunlight and I feel like myself again! There's such a huge shift that occurs in the spring, when the days get longer.

I'm a person who would rather be hot than cold. I'd rather sit in the sun than the shade. I'm a morning person. Daylight and sunlight represent a lot to me; motivation, happiness, the hope that comes with a brand new day. 

Tinsley likes to find a sunny spot, just like me!

K is for Kindness

As I began to embrace a gratitude practice, I noticed a shift taking place in my life. From that point forward, my sharp edges began to soften. The protective shell I'd built around myself my entire life began to fade. This process has taken years, and is still happening but it started when I began to face the world each day with gratitude and kindness.

It turns out that if you're miserable in your life and a bitch to be around, you tend to attract other miserables bitches and you all wallow together in your wretchedness. I am grateful for the friends I have who supported and tolerated me when I was at my lowest and helped to guide me out of my distress. Receiving kindness and choosing to separate myself from people whose energy I didn't want to share any longer (or having The Universe force that separation,) allowed me to start from the ground up, so to speak. I was able to rebuild my life with a foundation of my own choosing.

My life lesson here is that kindness is a cycle; you dole it out, it makes the receiver feel good, they dole more out and so on until you are the receiver and the circle continues.

I've spent the majority of my adult life working with the public, mostly in the field of veterinary medicine. If you've ever worked with the public, you know some days just suck, no matter what you do. And when there's a full moon? Forget about normal. Crazy stuff happens then! Over the years, I came to realize that people tend to act out when they are upset. A client who is rude to me about their bill is most likely distraught about their beloved pet, facing financial hardships or any combination of the emotions and challenges in life. I've witnessed first hand how being kind to a rude person will disarm him. He'll tilt his head or take a step back as if he's thinking "Oh, I'm not going to get a fight here so I guess I'll be nice!" I do believe that some people simply like to complain. They call or come in looking for an argument. When they don't get one, they don't know what to do so they retreat. Although occasionally a person will continue to lash out and there's nothing I can do to help. I just smile and say "Thank you, have a nice day!" These situations are challenging. I cannot say I'm always able to keep my cool. Every once in a while there's a person who is just down right out of line.

Plato said "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." I can't think of a better way to advocate for kindness. You never know the stories of the people you pass each day. Think about your worst struggle and imagine a stranger facing it, then give that person the treatment you would have wanted when you were struggling.

My boyfriend taking a photo for strangers in NYC Aug. 2010

J is for Junk

The donation bay at my local Goodwill

The saying goes that one man's trash is another man's treasure and I have learned this to be true.

The Webster's New World Dictionary defines junk as: things of little value; rubbish. Defining the value of something, however, is fairly subjective.

I've written previously about my love of yard sales and thrift stores, and my general appreciation for pre-owned items. I find it interesting to look at the things people have discarded. I think it says a lot about someone, even if I don't know the person. I enjoy slowly pursuing the shelves at my local Goodwill and photographing interesting finds. I like to hold an item and consider this thought: This used to be someone's treasure. What made them get rid of it?

The majority of my possessions are items that would hold little or no value to anyone but me. Not all of my things were purchased second hand, of course but I have a tendency to become emotionally attached to items I received as gifts or obtained during an emotional time in my life.

Often, second hand items hold energy that I can perceive. Many empaths dislike pre-owned things for this reason but I actually like it. For the most part, feeling that energy is a positive experience for me, although occasionally it can be negative and make me feel queasy or simply overwhelmed. I tend to dislike brand new items at times because they can feel "blank" to me.

I especially love it when I come across something at a yard sale or thrift store that's particularly unique yet specific to me. For example these Declaration of Independence glasses which I purchased at Salvation Army, both for a quarter! Since I grew up near Philadelphia, the city holds a special place in my heart and I particularly love things related to the rich history of the city and all things Ben Franklin related! I was thrilled to run across these here in Montana!

Similar to that is the story of this bust of Teddy Roosevelt that I found for my other half at a yard sale for $5. I bought it on an impulse, knowing Teddy is his favorite president, then had buyer's remorse on the way home. His reaction when he saw it was priceless. You never know what you're going to find across when you search through someone else's discard pile!

I also use the term junk to apply to one's emotional baggage. So I have a lot of junk in this sense too!

No matter what you call it, everyone has junk, both physical and non. I think it's another glorious part of being human. There's so much stuff to choose from. We get rid of some, we pick up some more. We pass ours on to someone else, we take some that another is giving away. It's all the same in the end, really. What matters to me is that I'm surrounded by the stuff that means something to me and makes me happy, my own personal junk.

I is for Ice Cream

Shortly after I started dating my other half, a little convenience store opened up in the subdivision where he lived, where we now live together. Pop's Country Store has expanded its inventory a bit since then but they have all the basics you might need when you get home from the grocery store only to realize you forgot something, or if you're in the middle of cooking dinner when you realize the milk you're about to use is spoiled! "Do you think Pop's would have it?" is a frequent question in our home, when the batteries die in the remote or the hot dog buns I pulled out of the breadbox are moldy. 

The most mentionable item that Pop's has served since it first opened is ice cream. Local Wilcoxson's brand hand scooped ice cream. You can choose a sugar cone or a bowl. I'm a cone gal!

My first outing after my concussion was a walk to Pop's

Having this treat less than a mile from home has reinforced the life lesson I already knew, which is: Ice cream makes anything better. Grief, joy, pain both physical and emotional, all are improved after a walk to Pop's!

Charlie waiting patiently at Pop's

H is for Humor

I love to laugh. Especially that rolling, uncontrollable laughter that you can't stop even if you try. I like when I laugh at something without even having the thought that's it's funny first. I like to laugh until my abs are sore, until my eyes are watering. I love being around people who can make me laugh a lot. My closest friends are those with whom I share my juvenile sense of humor. 

When it comes to movies, I prefer comedies over other genres. If I'm going to spend 2+ hours of my life watching a film, I want to be entertained. I don't want to be scared or sad or have to think too much. I like other movies at times, but a good, silly comedy is best-think Austin Powers or classic Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler. The goofier, the better!

I have learned that finding humor in difficult situations helps make them bearable. This is part of what inspires me to be a non-fiction writer. I believe that if I tell my story of getting fired, or divorced, or concussed, in a humorous light, I can bring a bit of hope to someone else in a similar spot who may not have seen the humor yet. 

My favorite writer, David Sedaris, is the champion of this. He can tell a story from his less than idyllic childhood, or an awkward social interaction that makes the reader cringe and laugh at the same time. This is what I aspire to as a writer!

I'll admit it's not always possible to laugh at our hardships as we face them. Sometimes it takes weeks/months/years to be able to look back on something and say "Okay, that was funny." But I believe it's important that we're able to do it eventually, to laugh at our blunders and failed attempts. Even if it doesn't deter my next blunder, it reminds me to think Hey, at least this will make for a funny story later!