G is for Gratitude

I've written a great deal about gratitude because it's a concept that's important to me.

After a rough break up in 2009, I was hit with the realization that things happen for me, not to me. That's when I started a regular gratitude practice and began to notice a huge shift in my quality of life.

Being grateful is not about being happy every single second of every day. It's not about glossing over undesirable situations. It's about seeing beyond what's right in front of you, to see the big picture.

Terrible things happen in life. Sometimes I make poor choices. Having a gratitude practice doesn't change any of that. I still have days where I am down in the dumps. Since 2009, I have dealt with grief, heartbreak, regret, anger, frustration and illness. But in each of those situations, when I'm finished crying and feeling sorry for myself, I can wipe my snotty nose and say "Okay, well I'm grateful I'm alive." For me, it's about being able to deal with the death of my sweet dog by being grateful he didn't suffer through a long illness or dealing with my brain injury by being grateful it wasn't worse, being grateful I had loved ones to care for me.

Each day, I write down at least three things I am grateful for that day. Sometimes they're deep thoughts and sometimes not so much. Some days I'm grateful for the love and support that is in my life, for kindness and acceptance. Other days it's chapstick, white wine and a good book. All of those things are important in their own way!

Making my gratitude lists has helped me evaluate my priorities in my life. It points out what's important in day to day life and that can come in handy when I need to make decisions about work.

Here's my advice: Just start saying it every day, "I am grateful." Back in 2009, I put a sticky note on my bathroom mirror with those those exact words written on it. Stand in front of your mirror, look at yourself and say "I am grateful," even if you don't believe it. Because the funny thing is, after a while you will start to believe it. To believe it and to know it and to see it all around you.

F is for Friendship

My shadow and my bestie's, out for a hike.

As an only child, I learned the value of friends at an early age. Without any siblings or cousins, I was "stuck" with my mother's friend's children, who were mostly boys a few years older than me. Sometimes they humored me and played Barbies, but when I went to school and had friends who were girls who liked the same things I did, I noticed! 

As I've gotten older, I've learned that what makes a friendship special is more about what it isn't than what it is. 

True friendship does not mean obligation. It means not worrying about how clean my house is (or isn't!) when she comes over. 

True friendship means not being afraid to ask for anything: someone to pick me up from a doctor's appointment, to curl my hair, to lend me a skirt, to help me move, to ___________(fill in the blank with anything!)

True friendship is like true love. It is true love, in its own form. There is no judgement, no jealousy, no "I told you so."

I don't mean to brag but I have a lot of friends. I've lived many different places and thanks to Facebook, I've been able to reconnect with a bunch of awesome human beings I would have lost track of otherwise. Earlier this year, I visited two different friends I hadn't seen in 20 years and with both of them it felt like no time had passed at all. 

I wouldn't be who I am without my friends. They've done and been everything for me that siblings would. I want to say that the difference is I get to pick my friends but that's only true to a certain extent. Sure I choose who I hang out with but there's a point where the friendship bond form and is unbreakable. Not all my friendships reach that point but a few have and I wouldn't do a thing to change it!

E is for Expectations

Rainbow after a hail storm June 2011

Though we're only four months into 2015, if I had to choose one lesson I've learned this year it would be this: Expectations are bullshit.

I'm a planner. I want to know what's going to happen and when. I want to think things through so I can be prepared for potential outcomes. I'm so focused on what I think is going to happen that I don't see what comes out of left field until it's too late. I don't know how to stop having any expectations at all. My brain seems to do it automatically. I've worked hard over the past few years to change these patterns in my life. I've realized that expectation sets me up for disappointment and often prevents me from missing out on the excitement of anticipation and the joy of the moment. What I try to do now is recognize that I have expectations but not hold on to them quite so tightly.

When I left for my adventure in January, I said I didn't have any expectations but I was lying, although not consciously. I had a lot of thoughts about what I thought would happen and what should happen. Some of those thoughts were accurate but many of them were not. I certainly didn't expect that I'd be home two months later but that's where I ended up and I'm grateful for that.

I think it's impossible to not have expectations; of ourselves, of others, of an event we're planning to attend. So how does one let go of them? I don't have an answer for that so I'd love to hear how other people face this struggle!

D is for Dogs

I recall a clear afternoon many years ago, when I was living in North Carolina. Driving out of my neighborhood on the way to go shopping, I saw a man walking behind a German Shepherd carrying a claw like poop scooper and a plastic grocery bag. Ugh, I thought, I would NEVER follow a dog around with a plastic bag!

At the time I was a self proclaimed cat lady. My mother is still one, in her 60's. She's had at least one cat at all times, since before I was born. When I was five, one of them had kittens under her bed. I would squat down on the floor to peer under at the squirming, mewing little dark clumps. I've loved cats ever since. 

I was living in a one bedroom apartment with four cats when Ritz came into my life. I was working as a veterinary technician. He was an eight week old Shar Pei puppy who was injured and brought in for euthanasia. His injuries weren't actually life threatening and I agreed to nurse him back to health and turn him over to a rescue organization. That plan lasted only a few hours! It became clear to me right away that this little puppy had found me for a reason. 

Throughout the course of his life, Ritz earned the nickname of Cat Dog because his habits were cat like and he absolutely adored all kitties. But even though he and I both were cat lovers, he managed to show me all the wonderful differences between dogs and cats that make canine companions fun!

Ritz was my soul mate. He came to me a few months after I'd separated from my husband and was by my side through the years as I healed and started life over in Montana. If I received an invitation someplace, it was understood that I wouldn't go unless I could take Ritz with me! During the almost eight years he was my companion, he taught me so much about loyalty and showed me the value in embracing one's uniqueness. 

A few weeks before Ritz turned seven, I came home with my second rescue dog. At the time I did not want two dogs. To be honest, I thought I'd never have another dog after Ritz because he was so special. But there was something about Charlie that spoke to me in a way I'd never experienced before. 

My bond with Ritz didn't leave much room for me to connect with Charlie. The two guys tolerated each other but never became buddies.  Then, about 9 months after Charlie came to live with us, Ritz suddenly became ill and passed away a few days later from an advanced cancer of which he had hidden his symptoms from us very well. 

I truly didn't know how my life would go on without Ritz. As I grieved, Charlie stepped up in a way that amazed and comforted me. From that point forward, I've realized that he has an uncanny ability to know exactly what I need and provide me with it. If I needed to lay in bed all day weeping and napping, Charlie was right beside me snoring away. If I wanted to walk five miles, he kept up the whole way. While he is nearly the opposite of Ritz when it comes to personality, Charlie has proven to be  a lovely addition to my life. 

When Ritz died, my heart was broken. I swore I would never get another puppy and go through this again. That lasted about four months! And while I didn't necessarily want a puppy and all the work that comes with it, my heart needed it. 

Tinsley will be two in July. He and Charlie fill my days with love and laughs, and with mud and drool. They are happy, silly, friendly dogs. I don't know that Ritz would approve! And as the second anniversary of Ritz's death approaches, I still miss him regularly but I can see how his journey with me had come to its natural conclusion. He knew I no longer needed a guardian. 

The cool thing is that even though Ritz is no longer with me physically, I know his spirit still lingers. I can see his influence over my current dogs. He taught things to Charlie who in turn taught them to Tinsley. So even though Ritz is gone, his lesson to me is still clear: I need to have a dog (or two!) in my life to remind me how to live each day fully!

C is for Crisis and Change

Wild fires near my home June 2012

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in the last year is that sometimes it takes a crisis to initiate change.

 I love change. I crave it in my life on a regular basis. My new job at the flower shop appeals to me in a similar way veterinary medicine did, in that I never know what each day at work is going to bring. In veterinary clinics healthy pets come in for vaccines punctuated by an emergency hit by car, toxin ingestion or broken limb. At the flower shop, I might take an order to celebrate the birth of a new baby and five minutes later an order for a funeral. I've worked at temp jobs where each day is predictable and the same as the previous. After a week or so I'm bored and ready for something new!

Growing up, my mother and I moved four times between the time I was two and twelve. During those years I also had two different step-families. When I was fifteen, my life was flipped upside down when we moved from Pennsylvania to Wyoming. Each new chapter of my life forced a reboot. Despite being difficult at the time, those moves and lifestyle changes gave me the courage and confidence to initiate change in my life whenever I felt I needed it.

I can't imagine what it's like to grow up in one house with the same set of parents, rules and family traditions. Lots of people do grow up that way and aren't as adaptable and comfortable with change as I am. In fact, I've discovered that many people fear change. For those people, something different can be threatening. If things have been done a certain way for ____years, why change it? But the fact that  I like change doesn't mean I don't also like routine and familiarity. I tend to hoard sentimental items to provide consistency in my life!

I've also learned that comfort does not equal stability. You can live in a comfortable house with nice things and a nice partner, but that doesn't mean the bottom won't drop out eventually or that change isn't necessary. And that can get confusing. If things are going "okay," why do they need to change? Even if we aren't exactly happy with the way things are, they could always be worse, right? So why take the chance and shake things up?

Well...because sometimes life needs a little shake up.

A summer thunderstorm August 2014

But people who are afraid to take bold action don't understand those of us who do. They will judge and alienate the people they don't understand. It's an unfortunate side effect for being a risk taker. It still hurts my feelings when I get "unfriended" by someone who doesn't like a choice I've made but I've learned to let it go because that's not a person I want close to me anyway.

I've come to realize that perhaps people who fear change need people like me to show them it's not an enemy and help them bring it about. I've witnessed people close to me transform into a totally different being when faced with crisis. It brings out one's true colors and that's never a bad thing.

A flower can push through rocks to grow and bloom

B is for Breakfast

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I don't know who "they" are but I've learned that they're right!

I'm a foodie, so for me, every meal is an important one. The only problem with breakfast is that it happens in the morning! For years, I'd skip eating in the morning or try to get by with scarfing a banana as I drove to work,  because I "didn't have time to eat." Eventually, I realized my body was telling me that I need to eat at the start of my day. If I go too long without eating, I'll usually get a headache, my mind becomes foggy, I become irritable and eventually get to a point where I can't function. When this happens by 10am, it doesn't sit well with co-workers and makes for a loooong day!

For the majority of my life, I wasn't a "breakfast person." I'm not a huge fan of many of the dishes traditionally served for breakfast. Thanks to a couple traumatizing experiences of being forced to eat eggs when I was a kid, including one particularly memorable time of vomiting the forced eggs back onto my plate, I didn't eat eggs that weren't hard boiled until I was in my 20's. Even now, I'm very picky about eating eggs. I'll only eat scrambled eggs if I've made them myself, otherwise I just can't get them down. At a restaurant, I'll occasionally order eggs over easy (if they come with the meal I'm ordering) but I've been known not to eat them if they "don't look right" when they arrive at my table. I don't like French Toast, it's always too soggy and wet bread grosses me out. Until the past couple of years, I'd never liked pancakes much either but then I discovered crepes and realized that not all pancakes have to be the diameter of a dinner plate! However, I will admit I'm a huge fan of breakfast meats and fried potatoes so I can usually find something to eat on a breakfast menu!

In the five years that I've been with my significant other, I've reaped the benefits of the fact that he likes to cook breakfast! I've discovered breakfast items that I enjoy, like the previously mentioned crepes ( I love crepes,) scotch eggs, biscuits with gravy and of course I've always liked waffles. I've also noticed that like most other meals (but even more so, in my opinion) breakfast foods are much better when they are homemade and catered to our particular tastes. Instead of syrup, I put Greek yogurt and fresh fruit on my pancakes and waffles, for example. 

Not only does breakfast provide me with the sustenance needed to start my day and use my brain, it also forces me to be still for a few minutes. On work days, stopping to prepare and eat something helps me focus and sit down at the start of my day. On weekends, time in the kitchen preparing breakfast with my other half has become a fun, bonding experience for us. Sitting down to eat our meals together gives us more quality time and a chance to chat. 

I now realize that all the mornings I skipped breakfast over the years I was missing out on an opportunity for quality time with my loved ones and delicious food. I can't get that time back but I've learned from it and try to make the most of each morning I have now! 

A is for Anything

Listen up here, lesson number one: Anything could happen. You can do anything you want to. Anything. Yes. It's true!

It doesn't always feel that way, but if life teaches all of us any one lesson, it's this one.

I joined a roller derby team despite the fact that I didn't know how to roller skate! Not only did I learn to skate but I learned to play the game and eventually made the roster to play in bouts. Derby taught me that I can literally do anything I want to.

I know what Monsters thoughts can be: That would never happen to me or I'd never do such a thing or the torture of asking ourselves What if? What if? What if? My default setting for responding to life's unpredictability is to over think every possible scenario in an effort to be prepared. That's not only exhausting but has proved to be ineffective and I'm still blindsided from time to time. We can't predict others' actions, and one can never truly know how they would respond to a specific situation until they are facing it.

It's impossible to be prepared for anything that might come my way. Learning to go with the flow has been one of my biggest personal goals in recent years and has been quite a challenge! I remind myself that while I don't know for sure what's going to happen next, I do I know that I'll be okay.

I'm not writing about songs in all of my A to Z entries again this year but I had to include this song here because it was my inspiration for this post. I've discovered that I can't feel low while listening to this song. It's a beautiful reminder of how much possibility lies ahead of me, plus I just love the sound! It makes me feel empowered and hopeful. I've found it to be a particularly awesome song to listen to during a solo drive on the open highway!